They cross paths in the hospital.
Walking in opposite directions, minds both occupied with patients and paperwork, the news of the death of their friend set to the back of their minds out of necessity. Off in worlds neither of them expected to be when they started the day.
How was it only a few hours ago they were making dinner reservations to celebrate one year of marriage? Anniversary plans made around delightful sex and silly flirting. The tug and pull of tease and happiness.
Light into darkness.
It's cruel. To start the day with such joy and face ending it with such sorrow. But here they are, again.
They catch sight of each for the first time since this morning. Hours apart that feel like a lifetime and barely seconds. They both freeze, eyes a magnetized pull that holds them both frozen.
Carina shudders, feeling her world narrow to one single point of contact.
Maya.
She watches for a moment before it hits her hard, forcing her to double over. Relief spears through her chest, ripples down to her knees so visceral that if she wasn't holding onto the desk in front of her she'd probably drop to the ground.
The part of her that had been guarding the fear, not allowing it to take her under, shreds itself apart, tears raw ribbons through her chest. Grief hits her like the tumbling water of rapids. Drowns her.
Their friend died and her wife is alive. Joy and sorrow in one single horrific, beautiful and complicated thought.
It's their anniversary and Maya is alive.
When she sees her wife, bent double half draped in the gown she must have picked up at the scene, Maya realizes she was there and she'd seen it all. Knows already that Dean is dead.
Maya's dirty and dusty, a little crazy with Adrenalin, mind narrowed to the tasks at hand but knowing Carina was on scene pulls her straight out of work mode and plummets her into reality.
Her heart drops into her stomach, throat thick making it hard to swallow, worry splinters through her and she's hit with the reminder that Carina must feel a little bit of this everyday.
Not knowing if Maya will be coming home.
Dean died.
A hand pushes into her ribs and she forces herself to breathe. Her field of vision tunnels. She sees nothing but Carina and the pain on her face.
The weight of the day is written there, in stark and bleak lines that Maya wishes she could shield her from. Knowing instantly she has no right to hide her wife from the pain of this.
Carina already knows. She knows a little girl will be going home without her father, she knows how close it was and will be for several others. She knows how easily it could have been Maya. Knows relief that it's not and it wasn't and hates herself for it, even as she revels in it.
Everything plays on her face, fear and wonder, pain and relief. A juxtaposition of the agony they both feel.
They move at the same moment, feet inexplicably in coordination. They don't run, don't collide in a frantic hug, don't kiss or cry. It's not the time, both needed elsewhere right now, both knowing if it starts it won't stop.
They don't speak, but Carina tilts Maya's chin and gives her a quick worried appraisal. Her thumb skims the line of dust painting her jaw, her eyes seeming to drink Maya in. They cover every inch scanning for any sign of injury until they settle once again on the shimmering blue. Her hand slides from Maya's chin to her cheek, sits there for a moment before Maya covers Carina's hand with her own.
It's not enough, but it's everything and it will suffice.
Maya nods, slow, her eyes watery but her face set and stern.
Carina nods back and the burn in her eyes increases but doesn't overwhelm her. They share a shuddering breath, a moment of quiet before Carina closes her eyes and steps back.
They part with reluctance, knowing it's necessary, and neither turn back when they do, knowing if they did they'd never leave.
Later, when she's checked in on her team, when watching Vic through the glass window has left her raw and she can no longer stand the sound of Pru's quiet whimpers, Maya wanders.
She doesn't have a place in mind, her feet seem to follow their own path and yet when she ends up at the chapel it seems to make perfect sense. Her body sings for her wife, cries out in desperation for a moment of respite from the deafening sadness.
And there she is.
Lighting candles like she did before, her hands steady this time, words muttered quietly under her breath. Poetic in movement and grace, she repeats the pattern two, three, four times before she's even aware of Maya's presence.
"I hoped you'd be here." Maya whispers quietly.
Carina's body stills, her eyes closing when she sets down the taper. "I didn't know what else to do."
It's now her hand shakes, now her voice sounds like gravel, the thick smoke of burning grief at the back of her throat, coating her words and making them stick. Carina swallows hard.
"If it's ever me," Maya starts.
Carina spins immediately, "No - don't."
Maya takes her hands, holds them both in her own the way she did when they made their first vows, only a year ago today.
"I love you, Carina" she repeats, voice quiet but forceful now. "If it's ever me, know that I am coming home to you. I am choosing you, everyday."
Maya's breath rattles out, the walls that have held her together shatter into ash. Her heart is heavy with loss and her bones brittle with having yet another day of happiness tainted by grief. But she needs to say it, needs Carina to know.
"No matter what else happens-" her eyes lift, blue swimming with tears, a river of truth and sadness running down her cheek, "-if we're fighting, if we're mad, even if we haven't spoken for days -"
Carina's eyes close, open again instantly. Her fingers burn within Maya's as they cling to each other. She listens to her wife whispering solemn promises before an altar of grief.
"- no matter what else happens, if I don't-" Maya's voice splinters. "If - If I d- my last thought is of-" she pushes the sorrow aside, needing to say it out loud. "If I die, I will die loving you."
Her hands come up and claim Carina's face, fingertips in the line of hair, palms covering her cheeks. Maya sweeps her thumbs under her eyes and brushes away the tears. "I lov -" her voice breaks and tears fall harder as she allows herself to truly feel the loss of her friend.
"I love you." Carina finishes for her, voice breaking when she pulls her in. She wraps her arms tight around Maya, feels her head land heavy over her heart, the hot breath of tears landing over her skin.
They sway in silence, as they did on their wedding day, wrapped in each other's arms. United when the tears fall.