Author's note:

I had no peace of mind until I wrote this story - I just needed to explore a certain perspective. I hope it doesn't prove controversial, that is not the intention.

This is probably the second piece of writing I have ever finished in my life, and certainly the first in 20 years (yes it's all written, but I might post slowly as I tweak, haven't decided yet). I wish there was more dialogue, I hope it isn't boring.

If you want to leave a comment, I'd be curious to know what you think of my writing style! I have read so many of the N/CC stories on here that I hope I haven;t absorbed too much and I still have my voice!

CALIFORNIA CHANGES

CHAPTER 1

Niles opened the window on the California morning sun. It was about three months since they had all moved, and life was starting to settle into a new routine. It was different from New York but everybody was adapting, each in their own way. It wasn't bad at all, just different and it took some adjustment, but the sense of novelty kept it all exciting even if there was so much work to do, both in terms of arranging their professional and daily affairs, and of re-organising their lives.

He and his wife - his wife! - had rented a cute little house only a few streets away from the frankly enormous new Sheffield mansion. It was comfortable, and they could always find somewhere else later if required by the changing needs of their family life (his head started spinning with joy every time he thought of the family life lying ahead).

The Sheffields had hired more help, firstly a new nanny - not quite a character like the previous one, but an experienced Mexican-born lady in her mid-40s called Carmen, who had raised kids in LA for some 20 years. And then a new maid, Christina, aged around 50, who could also help out with the children where needed. Niles remained employed in a supervisory role, therefore dealing with more administrative matters than cooking and scrubbing - and he enjoyed what was effectively a promotion. The arrangement was for him to work for about half of his time, freeing up the other half to take care of his home and, later, of his child once CC would be back to work - this could also be reviewed in the future if it no longer worked for any of the parties. The current deal also left him some time, at least for now, to pursue new literary endeavours with the hope to maybe eventually publish a novel or see a script successfully turn into a play. Why not? It was worth trying and he had learnt by now, there was no better time than the present time.

He stopped gazing dreamily at the beautiful Sunday morning and went downstairs to join the ray of sunshine he now called his wife, who was already in the living room (and who would resent being likened to sunshine, he thought with a giggle).

CC sat on a comfortable armchair looking at the blue sky outside and sipping a cup of tea, praying to be able to hold that down at least for a while. The move and the new life had brought new and interesting challenges at a professional and personal level, which she was enjoying - and she was happy, in fact even happier than she had shown or confessed to anybody - of her life with Niles, but the relentlessness of her pregnancy-related discomfort was ruining a great deal of it, and she had to make a great effort to focus on the positive changes and not turn sour (she didn't always succeed). Her "morning sickness" was more of a 24-hour debilitating nausea, which no remedy she tried so far could improve for very long, and which seemed to grow worse every day.

But it wasn't only the physical side of it that was disturbing her. Once the whirlwind of getting married, finding out she was pregnant, and moving across the country had calmed down somewhat, she had started to realise little by little that maybe she wasn't so thrilled about having a child as she should have been. It had taken her quite some time to feel that it was really, really happening, so at first she played along everybody's happiness because that was what was expected of her and it seemed easy to just follow the general mood; then she started to pretend, hoping that it was normal that it took time for that maternal feeling to grow and take over her - but when she had time to focus and really think about it, she could not imagine that ever happening, and a sense of dread came over her. Of course, she tried to push it away, for once playing the part that everybody was expecting her to play, and finding strength in Niles' proud beam every time he looked at her or the topic was discussed. It didn't always work. She sat through doctors' appointments failing to find any interest in the biology of the child inside her (eww), only really paying attention when sickness remedies were discussed, while Niles grinned and asked questions. Ever so perceptive, he did suspect that she was having some difficulties, but he attributed them to her stern nature and also assumed it would take time for her to fully embrace such a big change among the other big changes in their lives. He wondered if they should discuss it, but she always seemed nervous after those appointments and it didn't seem a good time to broach the subject.

CC also failed to find an interest in the Sheffield newborns. Everybody, even herself at the beginning, just imagined that it was just a byproduct of the old rivalry and complex relationship between her and Fran - the two were now a bit closer but not really what could be defined as "friends". They tolerated each other and knew what they could appreciate in each other, but were also aware of each other's traits that they did not approve of, and which meant that the distance would never be fully crossed. However, as time went by, CC realised that it wasn't just because the twins were Nanny Fine's babies, but that really she couldn't muster any interest in any child. What about her own? Would she really develop an attachment to him or her, or would she be forced to look after an innocent being, who never asked to be brought into the world, she could not care about? She had to do it at this point, of course, whether she wanted it or not, but how long would it take for such an effort, and such a lie, to wear her down?

Every time she was in the presence of Fran's twins, she marveled at how people could tolerate their screams and shrieks and tears and constant need for attention. She resented the insistence that she hold one (or both) of them, "to practice" - she managed to refuse for as long as she could until the day Nanny Fine placed one of them (which one? CC didn't even know) in her arms so suddenly she couldn't refuse, or else the poor thing would have fallen to the floor with tragic consequences - and as uninterested and occasionally cruel as she was, even she couldn't allow that. The child wasn't crying at the moment (lucky to catch those ten minutes a day when that wasn't happening, she thought!) and she admitted he or she looked somewhat cute, but she didn't feel any primal love, or longing for her own, washing over her. In fact, not only she was terrified of somehow breaking the fragile creature, she dreaded having to be responsible for one, not to mention all the icky chores associated with it all.

It was all a fiasco waiting to happen and she had started to lose sleep about it.

Speaking of sleep deprivation, CC had to admit Nanny Fine's efforts were impressive. She really was the perfect mother, fussing about her children just about enough, getting help from her nanny and maid just about enough, and being able to still look pretty polished in the process. Sure, she wasn't as perfectly groomed and glamorous as she used to be, and her clothes were more comfortable than sexy lately, but she didn't look like she was on the verge of exhaustion like most people would be with two small babies, a family, and a cross-country move (even with the privilege of hired staff). She seemed to find a strength in her new role that superseded any tiredness and difficulty. CC's jealousy for this ever-so-perfect woman grew during those first weeks in California, and every time she witnessed Fran's maternal endeavours, her own sense of inadequacy threatened to eat her alive. At first she tried to think it was just her hormones making her more sensitive, but eventually she had to drop that pretence too and admit to herself that she was just irreparably jealous once again.

And she couldn't even drown her sorrows in alcohol! She missed soothing her anger with a glass or five, and she missed drinking with Niles. Even if… There was more than one possibility that they were in this mess because of booze. After the initial shock, she had obviously questioned herself about how on earth that could have happened. In truth, they had been very...active, and the heat was such that they hadn't always been as careful as they should have been. She had never paid too much attention to her cycle, always busy with work and other preoccupations to really take notice - she just knew it was happening frequently enough, and was mild enough, not to cause any worry. She wasn't using any regular contraception, and the "affair" with Niles had developed so fast that the idea of perhaps going to her doctor and having something prescribed had just started to form when the news of her pregnancy hit them. In the slightly frantic conversation she had had with Niles, they had identified a number of occasions when they had neglected to even use condoms, and at least 3 or 4 of them had involved booze. That would teach her, she thought… Was that a punishment for her excessive drinking? For not overthinking everything, just for once in her life? For finally being in a fun, promising relationship? She had learnt over the last few weeks to avoid that train of thought, but no matter how much she tried to agree with everybody that a bun in the oven was a blessing, especially at her age, deep down (or not even so deep) in herself she really struggled with that notion.

It was these thoughts that she had been mulling over for the few hours she had already been awake that Sunday morning, first rolling around miserably in bed, then sitting on her favourite armchair overlooking the small garden and the glorious sky, after having had to get up to take care of the first bout of nausea of the day.

She had heard steps from upstairs and knew that Niles would appear very soon, and so he did, wearing his shining smile and greeting her with "Happy Sunday, my beautiful witch, did you once again manage not to turn to dust in the morning?" She loved him, but his good mood was sometimes infuriating, though she had to admit it helped her feel lighter and not drown in the gloom that inhabited her head and her stomach.