Difficult Engagements
Chapter 29
Welcome Home.
Gaara POV
17 Years Ago
The First Attempt.
The glint of a blade can be seen reflected in the light of the pale moon. It falls down upon my neck. Sand envelops the form of the attacker. Red liquid falls down on me as if a baptism of sorts.
Screams.
Then darkness.
Present Day
Finally, our first glimpse of the gates of Sunagakure, this past week has felt like a lifetime. The capitol is placed strategically past the desert within mountains to protect it both from the elements and outside invaders.
A setting sun casts long shadows in many directions, the sand beneath our feet appears a different shade of golden yellow. Nothing compares to the sheer scale of the surrounding desert. The dunes rise and fall dramatically, and the sea of sand seems to go on for miles. I don't usually mind the natural defenses of my country, but they felt longer to traverse than normal.
The entrance is a long tunnel carved between mountains, the final defense for my city is a choke point. Hidden atop the path are multiple guard towers; each one with a small group ready to attack any intruder brazen enough to get this far. It's the final stretch to our safety.
There is no fanfare on my arrival, but they know I'm coming home today.
Two men appear before us wearing standard attire of their rank and position in this city. Both are in dark blue base uniforms layered with beige flak jackets and wrappings to better blend with the environment. Their head wrapped in a cream colored cloth, it's a common headpiece to aid against the sun and sandstorms.
"Kazekage-sama, your sister has been expecting you." the one on the left says.
"Alert her that we're here. I need to talk to her about a few things." I want to limit my interactions with anyone as much as possible.
"Of course, Kazekage-sama." the same one bows before going back to his designated guard station to send a transmission.
After days of travel, it feels wonderful to escape everything and enter a world of familiarity, safety, and clear blue skies. We take an afternoon walk through the city filled with shy children who slow their playing as we pass. Their families had rebuilt their homes years ago across the green fields and a small river. The new city still had the feeling of the old buildings sandy in colour and roads of winding corridors cooling from the end of day sun.
Naruto laces his hand in mine, and seems to be dragging me through the streets with a destination in mind. I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about where he was taking me. I blindly followed him for a while, seeing where this goes.
The children still ran through the streets, finding a particular joy in just existing in the moment.
16 Years Ago
Love.
Standing in front of a photo of my mother's smiling face, it's the closest thing to maternal love I've experienced. She reassures me through her smile.
I bet she was really nice. Someone with a smile like this has to be nice. My mom loves me… she has to.
I wonder what she would say about me… about what I did today. I couldn't control it again… I hurt a lot of people… I didn't mean to. Would she punish me?
I would deserve it.
I place a blade to my hand pressing down, "It's no use... The sand gets in the way."
The sand violently spirits up from that spot preventing any future action on my part. It's futile for me to keep going. I attempt to hide the blade behind my back when I hear someone enter.
My uncle comes in injured, because of me, he has bandages around his head and obvious bruise marks around his body. My eyes cast down to the floor in shame.
"Yashamaru!" I glanced up at him, "Is it painful?"
He uses a smile to cover the pain, "A little bit... But it'll heal in no time."
"What is pain?" I ask… not really knowing if I want the answer, but "I've… never once had a wound so…"
"It's like… it's distressing, or difficult." He attempts to describe something I've never felt, "I can't say it well, but I suppose it means a feeling that is not very good."
"I think I sort of understand what pain is now. I'm not bleeding, but" I clasp over my heart, "I've been having a lot of pain around… here."
He just looks over me with sadness in his eyes.
Eventually my uncle takes the blade from me, before putting it to his own hand and slicing a finger. No sand protects him. I instinctually wince as I see the red liquid pour from the fresh cut.
"But as time passes, the pain naturally disappears. By using medicine, the healing is even faster." He holds out his bloody hand for me to see. "A wound on the body and a wound of the heart are slightly different. Unlike a wound on the body, there is no ointment and sometimes, it doesn't heal for one's entire life."
I glanced over to the photo of my mothers smiling face again before my uncle said, "The thing that can cure a wound of the heart… that is love."
"You are a precious person who is near to me, Gaara-kun." He said before putting his wounded finger in his mouth to clean away the blood.
Present Day
We wander aimlessly for a while, while Naruto enjoys the sights of the city. Everyone's staring at us, but the fox doesn't seem to notice. He just keeps pulling me around like there's no one but us in the entire world.
The blonde looks back at me with a smile, "You know I don't know where I'm going right?"
"Right." I just laugh. As much as I'd like this to continue forever, "We do have to get to my sister soon. I'm sure she's worried about us."
"Oh, right, you have a sister!"
"Yeah, and she gets impatient if she's forced to wait for too long."
"Then lead the way, Kazekage-sama." he jokes with formality, letting go of my hand to usher his hands forward to allow me to lead.
I led him down the streets on the most direct path of The Kazekage's Office. It is a large, round, sandy coloured building with the kanji for "wind" painted in red in a circle. The building contains my office, the meeting chamber of the Sunagakure Council, and my family's sleeping chambers. The building also houses the large statues of the previous Kazekage, it is considered sacred like a temple. This is the building my sister currently occupies and conducts his administrative duties.
16 Years Ago
Love.
I'm in front of the door of one of the other kids I accidentally hurt today.
I'm scared.
No voice can be heard.
I tentatively knock on the door. Inside the house there is some rustling of sounds… I still can leave if I want. They haven't made it to the door yet.
It opens.
It's her.
She's hurt.
"Sorry about earlier… It must have hurt." I hold out a bag of ointments my uncle helped me get, "Here."
She slams the door in my face, "Go home, monster!"
I told you so.
I drop the medicine at the foot of the door and leave to wander the streets at night. I don't really know where I'm going… and I don't really care.
Present Day
"Welcome back." Tamari makes sure to greet us at the door. Naruto's guards stand behind her, waiting for their next order.
"Greetings Tamari-sama," Naruto does an official greeting bow, showing genuine respect for my sister and her position.
She raises an eyebrow and looks at me, fuck, I forgot to tell her, "It's nice to see you again, Naruto-kun."
"The Kazekage has told me you take over his official duties while he's out. That must be very stressful for you. From what I saw it seems like you do a good job, though." Naruto pauses before saying, "He was right to pick you for this role."
"Who are you and what have you done with Naruto-kun?" my sister jokes.
"Huh?" his sky blue eyes look over to my sister.
"Very funny, but I'm sure Naruto-kun is tired from the trip. Why don't we let him get settled in, while we talk." I try to stop this before it gets worse.
"Yeah, we can do that." She agrees with my request.
Naruto takes the lead again, unlike in the city, it does seem like he knows where he's going. If on instinct he finds his way to my old room with no issues.
The fox looks over my childhood room, warm sandy walls covered with shelves of various cacti. I tried to keep it the same as how he left it. In case he ever returned on his own, I didn't want him to feel lost or unwelcome.
Soft blue eyes fixate over my bed, I did my best to keep that exactly the same. His brows furrow at the sight of it though. Like something wasn't quite right. He makes a beeline to it, arranging the pillows and blankets to his desires.
"Huh… That explains it." Haku says almost to himself.
"What?" I asked.
"Oh!" The Omegan guard realized he said that out loud, "Why Naruto-kun doesn't nest back in Konoha… he has one here."
"That's not a nest." It's just my bed.
"Thats a fuckin' nest..." Zabuza says out of turn.
"I told you so." Tamari says while pointing her finger at me.
"It's not a nest. Naruto-kun is just very particular about how he likes the bed arranged." I don't understand what's so complicated about this.
The shark seems more interested in this now, "Can you say that again with a straight face?"
"It's not a nest. Naruto-kun is just very particular -" I look over at the fox still arranging the pillows around the bed, and they might be right, "- about how he likes the bed arranged."
"That was hard for ya', wasn't it?"
"You know I can hear you, right?" Naruto says while making one final look over the bed.
"Then settle the bet," The shark says, "It's a nest right?"
"Gaara-kun is right. I'm just particular about how I like a bed set up." The fox seems frustrated right now.
It's a nest.
"Yeah, and I'm the next Mizukage."
"Zabuza-san." Haku eyes his mate.
Naruto doesn't look back at us, he might be embarrassed. That's clearly a nest, and everyone was just commenting on it.
"Tamari, I'll meet you in the office in a bit. I need to help Naruto-kun get settled in." before I enter, "Zabuza, Haku, go to the medics room, there should be something for you to do in there."
When they leave I finally walk in, Naruto back still faced towards me.
"Sorry, about them." I say hoping to fix the mood.
"Why? You didn't do anything." He deflects.
"I guess you're right."
"Of course I am… can I be alone for a bit?" he asked, still not bothering to look at me.
"Yeah, but I'll be back after my meeting with my sister, okay?"
He just shrugs his shoulders.
"I'll be back later." I remind him as I leave.
Being back here has to be a lot for him… at least he's already made himself at home.
That's a good sign.
I hope.
I walk down the halls, past some stairs, through the labyrinth of the household to my office. Where my sister is sitting behind my desk, impatiently waiting for my arrival.
"I heard some rumors about my baby brother. Are they true?" She had an all knowing smile on her face as she got right to the point.
I know exactly what she's talking about, but "Yeah. I killed some people after a rut again. They were mostly Root Agents, so I don't think it counts."
"Not that." Of course my sister won't let me get away with this, she looks at my covered neck, "I heard my little brother got bonded, let me see."
I pull down the collar of my jacket, "It's not a big deal."
"What the fuck, Gaara?!" Her eyes widened at the mark Naruto left on my neck claiming me as his own.
"It was going to happen in a few months anyways." I try to excuse my behavior.
"How's it going to look at the official ceremony when the pair is already bonded?" she huffs, "I thought you had a plan for. Throwing it away for a night of passion… Really?"
"Naruto doesn't have one."
"Oh! Of course he doesn't. I'm going to kill him. I know we just got him back, but I'm going to kill him." her hand slams onto the desk in frustration.
"Tamari. Stop." I only do this because, know this won't work on her, but I need her to know how serious I am.
"Stop defending him. He took advantage of you, again."
"He doesn't know who he is."
"What? That's the best excuse you can come up with for him? 'He doesn't know who he is.' Just because that boy gets himself into a heat, is no reason for you to bend over backwards to please him. Letting him mark you like that." She sighs and shakes her head in disappointment.
"No, Naruto-kun really doesn't know who he is. He lost his memories." I tried to explain.
"Really? That's what he said… nice excuse."
"Do you think Naruto-kun would have been gone this long if he had his memories?"
"I know you've been trying to figure out why he didn't return on his own for years… but really, memory loss?" She scoffs at the idea.
"Really." I try to reassure her.
"It sounds too convenient."
"Trust me, it's not."
"If he doesn't remember you, why did you go get yourself marked by him?" Tamari accuses me now.
Because I never want him out of my life again.
"I don't know…" I answer.
My sister sighs, "Gaara, what am I going to do with you?"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," she sighs again, "we got him back. So what are we going to do with him now? Is he any use for your plan in this state?"
"I don't know… I don't think so. It doesn't matter. He's back… I don't know. Maybe." my facade starts to crack the more I think about the situation.
"Calm down." my sister's voice comes out nonchalantly.
How?
She continued, "We have him back. He's safe. Now we just have to take out the Kyuubi. Even if Naruto can't help us, at least he can't hurt us."
"Yeah. We still have a few months for a new plan, if we have to change it." I get back on course of my mission, "Kyuubi fucked us over by the way."
"What else is new?"
"Naruto-kun's previously betrothed is still alive."
"Wasn't expecting an answer, but okay. What are we going to do about that?"
"Obviously, the Uchiha has to die." I state the only viable solution to this situation.
"You're the Kazekage… You can't just kill everyone that opposes you."
"I think I can…" I pause, that's not what she was actually saying, "But I'm not trying to, just this one particular person."
"Are we sure he's still alive?"
"Yes, he sent Naruto-kun a letter while I was there. It's the only reason why Kyuubi let me take him home so soon."
"I was wondering that... So, his old betrothed is alive and wants Naruto-kun back… Can he even do that?" She asked.
"I don't know… But I'm pretty sure he rules over The Sound now." I add more information to the puzzle.
"What happened to Orochimaru?!"
"He's dead… and I'm pretty sure it was the Uchiha who did it."
"We have been working with the fox for a few months and are already dealing with so many problems…" her head rested in her hands.
"We knew this wasn't going to be easy."
"Yeah, but I was hoping for something a bit more simple than this."
"We at least know most of Orochimaru's hideouts are. Naruto let me know some other places to check out as well."
"So, he's on board with tha-"
I interrupted her, "He doesn't know.
"Gaara." She scolds me.
"I didn't know if he would help if he knew."
"I'm almost impressed with you right now, but if that backfires on us it's your fault." She wags her finger condescendingly at me.
"I'll take the blame for it, but we need to strike fast. I don't trust the Uchiha right now, for all we know he's still working with the Kyuubi."
"I wouldn't put it past the fox to be double crossing the both of you, using his son as bait."
"Me either. So, I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible."
"The Sound is Kyuubi's territory, just send some of our troops out there and weed the Uchiha out."
I'm glad she's on the same page as me, "That was the plan."
"I'll send out the word shortly," she pauses, "Anything else I need to know, little brother?"
Root Agents in the Wind. The bite. Kyuubi double cross. The Uchiha isn't dead. Orochimaru is dead. Naruto doesn't have his memories.
"I don't think so."
"Why did you ask for Chiyo anyways? It was such a pain in the ass to get her here. Practically had to drag her out of her little hiding hole." my sister says exasperated.
Oh right, that, I let her know, "He has a seal on him."
"Naruto?" she asked for clarification.
"Who else?"
"Okay… so you think it has something to do with the memory loss or what?"
"Yeah, I'm not sure, but he's trapped in a True Omega State at the very least…"
"Oh…" Tamari realizes the severity of that.
"Yeah, so we need to get him out of it."
"Obviously. I'll take care of everything here, you take care of Naruto-kun." she ushers me out of my office so she can work.
16 Years Ago
Love.
It didn't go well.
What am I?
I'm sitting atop the balcony that oversees the village… not wanting to return home just yet. If I'm home, it's true, I am a monster. I can't help as the tears fall down my cheek, at least no one can see me.
She's right… I am a monster.
Several kunai cut through the air attempting to hit me.
My sand shield blocks it.
Behind me is another assassin. Cloaked in darkness and a white cloth mask to hide his identity. The only thing I can see are his eyes filled with hatred and the glint from more of his weapons at the ready… as if I could be killed by simple blades.
"What?" The sand cocoons around my form, keeping me safe.
The fear turns to hatred, "Why me?!"
The sand that shielded me readied itself to become a weapon. My first clutches tight, digging my nails into the flesh of my palm. The sand mimics a hand crushing the would-be assassin. I can feel the texture of his bone crushing, until deep red blood splatters out paints the wall behind him.
Who is that? Why?
Curiosity got the better of me, as I walked over to the dying man's form. I pull the mask down off his face to reveal my uncle.
I scream loudly in pain.
The tears that painted my cheeks earlier come back in full force, "Why you… Yashamaru?"
My uncle's grey eyes glassed over as he's about to enter the afterlife, before he departs he says, "It was an order."
That gives me a slight pause.
He didn't want to do it.
"By your father, the Kazekage." his voice pushes out in a whisper.
"My Father?" I want to throw up.
"Gaara-kun, you were born and possessed by the Sand Spirit Shukaku…. However, you can't control the living spirit. Thus, you pose a threat to the capitol. Before more damage is do-"
I cut him off, tears still streaming down my face but a slight bit of hope in these words, "So you had no choice. You had to go along with my father's orders, Yashamaru?"
"No, that is not so." He pushes through his own death to tell me this, "It's true I accepted his orders, but if I had wanted to turn it down, I could have."
I am a monster.
"You… who stole my sister's life when you were born. You were my late sister's legacy, however, I was never able to love you. My sister didn't choose to have you. She became the sacrifice for this village. My heart bore wounds that moment and it has never healed." blood pouring out of his mouth at each word.
He looks me dead in the eyes when he says this next part, "My sister gave you that name. It means a 'monster that loves only itself.' Love only yourself, and fight only for your own sake. It's the only way you'll continue to exist."
"That was her wish." He looks up at the full moon now, "But she didn't name you out of love or concern, she wanted you to know you were never loved."
"Now, please die." a smile pulls on my uncle's lips one last time.
A huge explosion rips through the air.
My sand protects me.
If no one else can love me, I'm going to have to love myself.
I scar my forehead with the word "love" as a permanent reminder of this day…
Before everything goes black.
Present Day
Fuck.
On my side table is a photo of us from 5 years ago.
From the last diplomatic mission we went on before Naruto was taken away. Both of us dressed in formal garments. Me a simple maron high collar jacket with black trim, him an ornate black kimono with red waves. The fox's cheek firmly pressed against mine. Red kohl rimmed eyes squinted shut from the large smile on his face. My arms crossed as his arm draped over my shoulder. A peace sign graced his fingers.
Naruto's eyes widened in fear at the same image that gives me strength.
I keep that moment on my side table as a reminder of what everything I was doing was for. Any doubts in my head would be removed at the sight of his smile. The confidence he radiates was always infectious.
Seeing the blonde's shaking form makes me regret ever putting it on my desk in the first place. I made a mistake. It's one thing to know we have a past, it's another to see it.
He reached out to the frame, "What is that?"
"It's us." I can't lie.
"You really weren't lying to me."
"No, I wasn't. We've known each other for a long time."
"I'm sorry…" he whispers out.
I don't know what he's apologizing for and I don't think he does as well, "It's okay."
"No, it's not! I should remember you… I should remember this… but I don't." he waves around the frame erratically at each word.
"It's fine."
"It's not fine! I'm not fine!" he keeps shouting. "I'm broken."
I shrug, if he's broken, "Then we'll fix you."
"You make it sound so easy."
"It probably won't be, but, remember, we have some specialists here who are going to look over your seal. So, it's a start."
"I guess…" Naruto waves the frame around a bit, "Are there more of these?"
"Yeah."
"Can I see them?" his hands are still shaking a bit.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Taking an old family photo album for him off the shelf I handed it over to him, "Here."
I feel like he understands that we were childhood friends best. It starts off with just photos of my family first, mostly my siblings.
He stops at a page for a while just starting before saying, "... That's my bear."
"It was mine first." I paused looking at a photo of a younger me holding a teddy bear, alone, "You, kinda, stole it from me."
"Stole it?" He looks at the image for a bit longer.
"I mean, I ended up giving it to you."
A few more pages after that Naruto shows up. It was the first day we saw each other, back in Konoha. After a long day of playing we fell asleep on the floor… Naruto did his best to drag a blanket otop of us but just ended up tangled in it on top of me. I'm surprised I was able to get any sleep that day.
A few after that there's a more official picture of both of our families together. Kyuubi and my father are standing in the middle, both standing straight to keep appearances. Minato on Kyuubi's right, my siblings fill the blank space next to my father. Naruto and I in front, him standing confidently with a huge smile and me slightly behind him.
There's one of Kankuro and Naruto both getting into my father's old war paint. Naruto is covered in a white face with red decorative spirals around his cheeks and palms. My brother in some classic Suna geometric pattern similar to what he wears now.
More and more photos from birthday parties, social gatherings, and small intimate family events are all throughout the book. Each page turn Naruto grips the book a little tighter. His eyes show the sheer shock and terror going on in his mind.
Until the last one, Naruto and I were around 9 or 10, it was the first time our parents really had us fight against each other to test our abilities. I'm in a smaller sand jinchūriki form and Naruto is cloaked in his red chakra.
He whispers out, "I look like my father."
"You're not him."
I don't know if he's ignoring me now, but he just sits silently staring intently at the last photo. He examined every last centimeter of the image before him, looking for any signs that would prove its validity. A finger ghost over the image as if to test that it is really there.
"Remember when I said I'd answer any questions you had… Well, we're in the capitol." I hope this will make things better… I don't think I could make things much worse.
"Why don't I remember any of this?" Naruto's first official question to me.
"I don't know… but I think it has to do with your seal. Have you heard of a True Omegan State?"
"No."
"I didn't think they would tell you." I paused, "It's basically what happens when an Omega get's commanded too many times. It's a dissociated state where the brain is prepped to follow any Alpha Commands. Staying in that state for too long can cause a lot of long term problems. Especially with cognitive awareness."
"Then why does it exist in the first place?"
"Remember after your heat… When I was commanding you to breathe?"
Naruto seems hesitant to say, "...Yeah."
"That's why. Alpha Commands are supposed to be used to help your mate… A lot of people just don't use it that way."
"I thought it was to show dominance."
"I mean to other Alpha's, yeah, but when an Alpha does it to an Omega it's supposed to be an exchange of trust. If an Omega doesn't trust the Alpha, then it becomes a dominance thing. The command breaks down mental barriers. Too many at once can cause a drop or a slip into a True Omegan State, because they can't fight it any more." I explained.
"But I became less foggy when you did it to me… and you did a lot at once." he's trying to make sense of this.
"You trust me to take care of you… That I'm not going to hurt you. So you typically listen when I do them. It's why you gave me permission to do it in the first place."
"I gave you permission?"
"I mean… you didn't, but," I gesture to the frame again, "you did."
"Oh…" his face dropped, as he asked a question that he seemed to want a specific answer for, "Do you like me… or this Naruto?"
I have no idea what answer he wants from this question. To me it doesn't feel like there is a big difference between the Naruto in front of me and that of the past. The only thing that really seemed to change is he doesn't know who I am.
"Both." I made a promise to take care of him.
"That's a cop out."
It is… but, "It's the truth."
"Bullshit," he crosses his arms in a huff, "You're upset in not him."
"I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt that you don't remember me. It hurts a lot, here." I clutch my hand over my chest, "but you're still Naruto."
"No, I'm not. I'm nothing like him."
"You're exactly like him. You call me out just like him. You confidently drag me through unfamiliar territory. Your smile is even the same." I bridge the distance between us.
"But I'm not the same person. I'm different now."
"It's been 5 years, of course you'd be different." I shrug, "I'm different from then too."
"I wouldn't know…" that hurts.
"It's probably for the best, I wasn't the best person back then."
Naruto lets out a huff of air again, "I don't believe that. There's no reason I would be hanging off you like this if you were a bad person. Looking at you now, I see someone kind that protects the people they care about. There's no way you just magically became that in 5 years."
I just laugh at the familiarity.
"Don't laugh, I'm being serious." the blonde whines out.
"I'm laughing, because you're exactly the same." I reassure him and myself in this next sentence, "I did everything within my power to get you back, and I got you back."
"I guess," Naruto's soft blue eyes look over at the framed photo of us again, "Are you sure we didn't date?"
"Yeah, we didn't date."
"We looked really close."
"We were."
"It looks like we were dating."
Looking at the photo closer, I never knew if it was the lighting or if it was real, but his lips were so close to where he pressed to my cheek. It was the slightest tilt of the head where I could never be sure if it was intentional.
Naruto was always super affectionate to everyone.
"I wanted to… I think you wanted to as well. We just never did."
"That's stupid…"
"Yeah… We were stupid back then."
"We?" Naruto paused, "I think you were the stupid one. I'm practically kissing your cheek in this photo."
He confirmed my suspensions, "I guess."
"You said you'd answer any question, right?"
"Yes." I nod while saying that.
"What am I like in heat?"
I dry swallow, "... that's a question."
"You said you'd answer any questions… You're apparently the 'Naruto Heat' expert and after seeing all of this I kinda believe it now."
Fuck.
"I mean…" fuck, how do I answer this, "You're in heat."
"Obviously, but, like, what am I like?"
How does he want me to answer this, "Your heat comes in different waves."
"Okay?" He asked for clarification.
"You usually start off really anxious. You kinda just want someone to hold you. Then you get very… umm - excited. Then you usually fall asleep… after… well, then you'll wake up in a deep heat state, where you're basically just running on instinct… Sleep then repeat that cycle until it's over." He looks at me so intently while I say this.
"How many have we shared, Mr. Expert?"
"All of them from when we presented until I turned 15." I don't want to do the math right now… but it's fair to say a lot.
"What?! How is that even possible?"
I answer, "When I presented as an Alpha… it triggered your presentation as an Omega. Some stuff happened, and we agreed to share them."
6 Years Ago
Last Heat Wave.
"Why did you do that?" Naruto said before licking my wounded wrist to clean away the blood.
"I would have claimed you." We never talked about claiming before, "You want to explain to your father why you snuck off with me during a heat and came back with a claim mark?"
"Honestly?" before I have a chance to answer the fox does "Better than the alternative. I'd rather explain how I'm already claimed, than have to go through another one of his stupid-fucking courting set ups."
I'm stuck on his words now, I just nod.
"He says me going around with my uncle is so I can get more powerful, but, really, I think he's just trying to show me off to all the dumb alphas from other kingdoms. I wouldn't have to deal with another one of those losers trying to claim me. I would just show up, with your mark, and just be done with everything." he pauses, "Why? Are you afraid?"
"No." I answer too quickly.
The blondes tongue licks ever so slightly at the top of his teeth before pressing them together in a smile, "Liar."
"Maybe, a little. Not of your father though."
"Oh, your dad?"
I shake my head, "No. My dad wants me to claim you and 'fill you with pups.' Said your interest in me was the only thing that's stopping me from being a failed experiment. The second you lose interest, I would be worthless again."
"Gaa'." his voice sounds heart broken, he starts scenting me to calm himself, "Don't talk like that. I would never lose interest in you. And even if I did, you would never be worthless."
I grab him by the wrist, moving them away from my body to stop the comfort his scent gives me. I don't deserve it.
My dad's right.
Without Naruto, I'm just a failed experiment who can't control themselves… and I do want to claim him and 'fill him with pups.'
"Shut up!" He's frustrated with me.
"I didn't say anything."
"You don't have to. Whatever your saying in there," he tapps my head, "Is so dumb and wrong I can feel it out here. Now let me take care of you, you idiot."
I let go of his wrist, there's no use arguing with him right now. He goes back to scenting me, it feels nice. Honey glazed oranges are still saturated in the lingering warmth of heat from a summer's day. My own scent mixed in with his as a false claim.
I hate it.
"You have worth, just being you. Don't tie that to anyone else but you. You're a good person." The golden fox lectures me.
"I've killed people."
"So have I. Do you think I'm a bad person?"
"No."
"Can you name one person in your life that you know for a fact hasn't killed anyone?"
"No."
"We live in a world full of death and violence. It makes sense we also share some of its traits."
"It's different."
"You're not different, Gaa'. I mean you are, but, like, it's not a bad different."
I don't know what he means.
"When I see you, I see someone strong. Someone kind. Someone who protects the people they care about. And it pisses me off that you don't see that. Do you think I'd cross all these countries' borders just to see someone worthless?"
No.
"Who did you leave this time?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Don't know, never showed up. He lived somewhere cold." He shrugs as he accepts the subject change.
"You hate the cold."
"It's not even winter and there was snow. How do you expect me to live like that?" Even with all of his travels, Naruto has clearly acclimated to the warm climate of Sunagakure.
A slight smile tugs at the corner of my lips, "I don't."
Present Day
"We've really known each other this long?" I think Naruto wants to change the subject.
"Yeah. We met when I was five. Our parents arranged it."
"Arranged it? Why would they arrange the two of us to meet?"
Fuck, I don't know if I should tell him about you.
Are you ashamed? Because you shouldn't be. I'm clearly the better one occupying this vessel.
"We were in this weird program when we were kids. Our parents did these experiments on us. They tried to pit us against each other. Make us fight. They thought it would make us stronger."
"Did it work?" consern laced in his voice.
"No." I smiled, "I'd never go against you, and you would never go against me. Not for real anyways."
"I bet that pissed off my father."
"It did. He hated me for it."
"You? Why would he hate you for it?" Naruto asked, finally relaxed enough to sit on top of my bed.
"Thought I made you weak." I joined him.
"Why didn't he hate me for it?"
"You were Kyuubi's pride and joy. He never hated you… always paraded you around like the success story of his life."
"When you say these things, it makes me think you're lying. My father hates me, he thinks I'm a failure." He wraps one of the blankets around his form as if hiding himself away.
"Sorry…" I admit, "that's probably my fault."
"It's not your fault. My fathers just an asshole." the blonde tries to reassure me.
"He is, but he didn't start hating you until we got too close for his liking."
"Well that seems like his problem."
"Kyuubi likes making his problems everyone else's."
Naruto just laughs at that, "Yeah. He's such an asshole. So, like, why do I have this seal in the first place?"
"I'm not sure, but I don't think your father wanted us to be together."
"Then why are we?"
I answered the question truthfully, "Because I wanted us to be together."
6 Years Ago
Not a Nest.
Entering my room I see Naruto out of nowhere rearranging my entire bed.
I wasn't expecting him today.
He's moving pillows and blankets around, trying to find some satisfaction from the process of organization. Trying to control what little he can from his environment. I don't think he's noticed me yet… I don't think he'd want me to see him like this.
"Naruto-kun?" my announcement to this room is almost a question to him.
"Don't look at me like that…" the fox is clutching a pillow close to his chest.
"Like what?"
"Like you pity me." his soft blue eyes now cast to the floor unable to look into my own.
I don't want to pity him, but "You're nesting."
"It's not a nest… you just don't know how to make a bed."
"It's my bed."
"And?" Naruto finally looks at me.
"It's my bed?" That sentence almost comes out as a question.
"And you don't know how to make it." He removed the pillow from his form to put it back onto the bed.
I'm not going to win this, "So how do you make it?"
"Okay… so your bed is round, right?" before I can answer, Naruto does, "That means you don't have a foot of the bed. Which means extra blankets don't have a designated spot… so you have to fold them like this and drape them over each edge."
"They're just blankets…" I don't get this.
"No… they aren't. Each one's different. Some breathe better, some are softer, some are nice and thick and warm. And I won't know which one I want at which time. So, I have to make sure I can grab anyone whenever." He teaches me his ways, before saying, "Duh."
"... Okay." I'm trying to understand this better, but it really just looks like he's nesting to me. He is right, I don't know how to make beds though. No one felt it necessary to teach me.
"And now we get to the pillows, each one's different too. The variety is really good, because they stupidly thought you'd be an Omega. Which was dumb for them, but good for me. Anyways, You want the really firm ones in the back for support… then the super big plush ones, yeah, they go in the middle. Finally the soft little tiny ones go on top."
The fox shows me exactly what he's doing as he says it. I guess this all makes sense. There seems to be a reason behind each of his organization habits. Maybe he is just really particular about his, my, bed.
Naruto looks at me now that he's done, "Get it?"
No.
I say, "Yes."
"Ugh, don't lie." he plops down into the middle of the bed.
I finally have the courage to ask, "What's wrong?"
"Everything." Naruto mumbles into the sheets of the freshly made bed.
"Everything?"
"Yeah, everything, do I have to repeat myself?"
"No."
"Ugghh… Just." He pulls me down into the bed, "Lay down with me, asshole."
"Huh?" The question leaves my lips after my body hits the bed.
He doesn't reach for me like usual. He just curls up on his side not looking at me. He's so quiet and far away.
"It still gets to you, doesn't it?" I know Jiraiya's death wasn't easy on him… I don't really know what to do for him.
"Shut up…" he sounds like he's on the verge of tears, "Just hold me or something, I don't know."
I can do that.
My arms wrap around his midsection, pulling him a bit closer to me. He said that my scent calms him sometimes, so I relax and release some calming pheromones. Naruto nuzzled closer to me accepting my embrace.
Before I realize it, the sand is gone too.
"Gaa'?" Naruto realized at the exact same time I did, tears unapologetically fell down his cheeks, "I miss him."
"I know."
I know what it's like to lose an uncle… but I don't think our situations are at all similar. Naruto seems to like this answer though. He presses his body closer to mine for comfort.
Before I know it he submits to his tears. Each sob racked violently through his body. I don't do anything except hold him closer to me. After a while he's fully cried out, and there are no more tears to shed.
"You know… You're my best friend, Gaa'." He said before using the back of his hand to clean away his tears.
Present Day
"Hey? Will you be okay for a while? I have some things I need to do."
"Huh?" Naruto wraps his tired form deeper into the nest he made, "Oh… yeah. I'll be fine."
I don't know if this is true, but I need to get to work. I have to fix all of this.
"If you need me, just call for me, okay? I shouldn't be long."
I make my way to the medics room that I sent Haku and Zabuza off to earlier. The expert I requested should be there as well.
Chiyo was an elderly woman with black eyes and greyed hair tied in a tight slicked back bun. She wore the traditional Sunagakure garb; a dark-coloured, loose fitting floor length dress with a white cowl draped top. Tradition and customs suited her well.
"Hello, again." I greet the woman who helped curse me with this life.
"Kazekage-sama. It's pleasant to see you. What do I own the cermconstamce of your call for me?" Chiyo begrudgingly asked.
"I need your help with seals."
"Unfortunately, I am retired." She exaggerates her old age in these words.
The elderly woman, while once being Suna's top puppet master, was also a highly capable medic. While having some healing skills, she mostly used her medical knowledge as a poison expert. Finding more joy in ways to exploit the body's weakness than healing it of sickness.
"You can seal monsters away, but you can't break them free?"
"I'm done dealing with monsters, especially the ones that come from Konoha."
"That's convenient," I paused, "You help build the monsters and leave it to the younger generation to deal with the fall out of your mistakes."
"You think you were one of my mistakes, dear boy? On the contrary, you were one of my greatest successes. If it went for you, Sunagakure would still be reliant on the foxes." she seems almost pleased with herself for helping make me this way.
"Well I have one of the foxes here, and they need your help."
She sighed, "Don't be like your father, I thought you were better than that. Helping foxes only ever gets this country in trouble."
"We are helping a fox, not foxes." I clarify.
"They will take this country for all it has. I will not help them. I refuse."
"You can't." I say plainly.
"I am retired."
"I'm the Kazekage, and as such I am ordering you to do a job."
"You would really force an elderly woman like myself to work?"
"Yes."
"You're dooming this country, you know?" she sighs again, "but I suppose if it's a direct order from the Kazekage, I have no choice."
"You don't."
"So when do I get to see the patient?"
Naruto POV
3 Months Ago
Little Fox.
I look around. I'm in the forest and no one is here. I'm so lonely. I'm all alone. No one wants to be around me. I can't blame them, I'm a monster.
Looking up at the night sky to see our protectors and guides.
Tanuki.
I need to go home.
I start to follow my guide in the stars to my home.
"Naruto-kun, we've been looking all over for you. It's dangerous for you out here." A pretty boy says to me.
He's so pretty. He's got pretty long brown hair and really kind eyes. I wish I was that pretty.
Maybe he'll know where my Alpha is, "Alpha?"
"I'm an Omega."
"Duh. Looking for Alpha." He's too pretty to be an Alpha. He must think I'm stupid or something.
"He'll be back home tomorrow, Naruto-kun." The pretty Omega tells me.
"Oh, home." Then I'm going the right way. I continue on my path.
"You're going the wrong way."
I look up at the stars again, and the Great Tanuki leads the way home. He really must think I'm stupid.
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are, follow me Naruto-kun." He wants to lead me the wrong way. Maybe he's stupid. Good thing he's pretty then.
"This is the wrong way." I point to the stars.
"No it's not. Trust me, Naruto-kun." he holds me by the hands, his hands are so soft. He seems really kind.
"The First Protector leads the way home." I tell him, he's so stupid, doesn't even know basic directions.
The pretty Omega giggles, pointing in the air, "No Naruto-kun, the Great Kitsune leads you home. See he's right there in the sky."
"You're stupid." I'm not getting lost looking for My Alpha because of him.
"That's not a nice thing to say."
"Sorry."
"You're lucky you're cute." the pretty boy tells me. He tries to lead me down the wrong path again.
"No." I stand my ground.
"No, you're not cute?" He asked, before complimenting me "I think you're very cute. You're one of the cutest little fox's out there."
Little Fox?
"You know Alpha?"
"Yes, I know your Alpha. He's going to be here tomorrow, you want to see him right?" the pretty Omega says.
I just nod.
He continues, "Then you have to follow me."
Maybe Alpha is coming to me this time. He must know my heat started early. He's such a good Alpha.
"I like my Alpha."
"I'm glad, Naruto-kun."
"Yeah! He's so smart… he always has the best plans." I gushed over Alpha.
"Oh, does he?"
"Yeah, whenever Alpha makes a plan it always works."
"Well that's good to know. It's always good to have a capable Alpha by your side." the pretty omega giggles.
"You promise alpha is going to be there?" I make sure I'm not going the wrong way.
"I promise, Naruto-kun."
"Okay, I'll be mad at you if he's not." I warned him.
The world feels so fuzzy. I'm like a star. Fuzzy and far away.
They lead me to this weird room. I don't like it here. They said Alpha would be here too, but he's not.
Teddy bear.
Mine.
I'm all alone again.
Alpha will be here in the morning. I'll be a good little fox and wait for him.
Present Day
I'm curled up in my nest all alone.
The only thing keeping me company is the lingering scent of alpha and the photos full of memories that I had lost a long time ago. It's comforting and disorienting at the same time. I want to cast it away never to be seen again in one moment, then clutch it to myself forever in the next. Looking over them, again and again, the Naruto in these photos doesn't even look like me.
Or maybe I don't look like him.
That's it.
I'm not him.
I'm an actor trying to play Naruto... but I don't have any lines or marks or cues. All of my stage directions are given to me by my other cast members and I'm just hoping I'm doing it right. I know I've done something right when I'm applauded.
I know I've done something wrong when they look at me expecting something from me. Their silent eyes judge me for making them wait for my line or action.
The closest I've come to feeling like more than just an actor on the sage is when I talk to Haku or Gaara. I almost feel like I'm a real person then. They don't expect anything from me… they just let me be… me.
I don't know who I am, but I'm glad I have space for it when I figure that part out.
I hold the carefully framed photo of me obviously wanting to kiss Gaara's cheek, "It's real."
In the back of my mind, I was hoping this whole time he was crazy…
That the Kazekage had seen me once years ago, and was obsessed with one fleeting moment he idealized in his head. Just your average Alpha asserting dominance over what he thought was his property. He was a knot-head trying to conquer me with the same indifference he did land. It was safer to think that.
Because the alternative is I'm crazy.
The world I have known my entire existence is wrong. I always knew it felt wrong… Everything always felt off, like I was living in the world two inches to the left. I thought the whole world was off, but in the end it was just me.
I was knocked out of my thoughts by an old lady who barged into the room looking over at me, "So this is the patient?"
"Yeah." Gaara responds, coming up behind her.
"Come here, boy, I don't have all day."
I glance over to Gaara for reassurance, before I do as I'm commanded. Standing up I take myself away from the safety of my nest and memories I'll never have.
"Shirt up." Her fingers impatiently jerk up.
I keep my eyes on Gaara, he doesn't say anything to protest this. I lace my fingers into my shirt and pull it up to expose my body to the two in this room. The old lady looks over my abdomen in interest.
Without warning, a scorching hot light blue buzzing engulfed her hands as she placed it over my stomach. It feels like I'm being branded with her energy. My eyes squint shut as I wince in pain at the touch. I stifle a small grone from escaping my lips.
The old lady's Chakra feels invasive.
It's burning through insides exploring the parasite of a seal that feels permanently attached to me. Long black roots attached to my Chakra System restricting the flow of energy. It's a weed that eats at me from the inside. I don't think it can be removed.
She smirks before saying, "The old fox out did himself with this one."
I breathe out in relief as she removes her hand from my body. Rubbing over the area she just explored to reassure myself that it's all still there and nothings damaged. I cover back up, now that I'm pretty sure we won't be doing that again for a while.
"Really?" I asked not really sure what she meant, but getting the gist of it.
"Multi-Level Seals. Impressive really."
"Hm." Gaara replies.
"The one in the center redirects his chakra supply, basically cutting it off from use. The ones along the edge are a combination of Sunagakure, Uzumaki, Uchiha, and a few other varraint seal types from different countries. Orochimaru was playing around with this idea for his Omega Laboratory back in the day. I guess he finally got it to work. It's a little rudimentary, but it's definitely that." the old lady explains to Gaara like I'm not even here.
"Can you reverse it?" I asked. The two look at me as if not expecting me to speak.
The old woman was clearly offended by my question, "Of course I can. It will take a few weeks, but I'll be able to reverse this."
"We have some scrolls your guard provided that should help." the redhead adds on.
"Haku?" I asked, not knowing he knew about this.
"Yes. Kyuubi gave him them in case your seals acted up while you were here."
"Why did he give them to you?"
"Because he's more loyal to you than he is afraid of Kyuubi." A smirk makes its way across the Kazekage face.
It seems like everyone is going through a lot, but "What if this doesn't work?"
Gaara thinks for a second, before shrugging his shoulders and saying, "Then it doesn't work."
What's up demons? It's ya' boi.
I'm working on my transitions a bit more between memories and current time. I want it to feel more seamless like ones bleeding into the others. I'm also going back and editing some previous chapters. Nothing major. When I am done editing a chapter, the title will be changed, you don't have to re-read any of it.
Just fixing up timeline discrepancies and some basic edits. I'm also going to start labeling the chapters with something more descriptive so it's easier for me to reference the earlier ones later. I'm labeling the memories as well for the same reason.
So you know, I'm expecting there to be like 45-ish chapters total.
TigrezzTail.
100% No need to apologize.
I have no issues saying where in this long fic I've mentioned something before. I read a lot of fics, too, so I totally understand how things blend together. I have to re-read my own fic a lot to make sure I don't mess up writing these chapters.
I just felt bad being like "Oh, yeah Haku got this in X Chapter." because I know some people might see that as me being mean, when really I understand how long this fic is and that I intentionally make things harder to understand. So I over explained my process as a way to be like, it's okay that you missed these things. My intention wasn't to make you feel bad or like you need to apologize.
Over explaining again, I kinda want it to feel like the movie Memento. Where on the first read(watch), you're just kinda pulled through the disorienting story. Then if you ever read(watch) it again, you pick up all these hints. So you are reading it "right."
(as long as you're enjoying yourself your doing it right)
I love your comments and they inspire me to keep writing more. They also let me know where I'm doing something "right" or "wrong" or where I need to elaborate more.
Remember when I said there was a scene your comment inspired... It's the Naruto flashback scene: "Little Fox.". Sorry it's so sad, but when you mentioned, "Naruto wouldn't obey Itachi because he instincts realized that's not 'his' alpha." My brain was like… "oh shit, what if."
Again, never apologize to me for the way you read or for asking for clarification. If you're having a good time you're reading it right.
Guest.
Pretty much. We're basically seeing Sasuke at where Naruto would have been 6 years ago when he first got his seal. Still a little bit of independence, still able to act mostly like himself, but slowly losing himself to its power. He's at a good point that if someone does interfere it could be fixed with minimal long term damage.
Naruto is almost completely long gone, the core of him still remains, but like he's hardly ever there. He's able to fight off his seal more because of what he is. Gaara has been trying to help, he just wasn't 100% sure what was going on. You've seen what happens when Naruto is confronted with the idea that he doesn't have memories. He doesn't react well.
The only reason why he accepts it in this chapter is, this is the turning point chapter and shits about to get real after this, and he's confronted with actual evidence of the truth. He's also in/around his nest while he hears all of this, so he's in a safe place while he's confronted with these ideas.
I'm glad you're curious about what happens when one of them realizes what's going on… because next time we'll see if this works.
Oh yeah, Itachi is straight up spiraling right now, and has no idea what he wants to do. He literally has spent his entire life working for other people and has no idea how to be independent outside of systems with structure. He also has no idea how to deal with grief and loss in a healthy way. What I'm saying is he's over analyzing everything so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings.
On top of having more and more stuff thrown at him, Itachi's entire family's dead, his brother helped, his country helped, his brother is pregnant, he's now 'forced' to lead a group of terrorists, his betrothed is with someone else, that someone else is a war lord, and people are actively trying to kill him. That boy is in the eye of the hurricane right now. Not justifying his behavior, because it is a bit toxic, just explaining it.