Hotbox
The blazing sun receded behind the horizon of Papetoon's scorching desert, and with it the cold set in. The sunny plains of sand turned into a sea of black and blue.
Wolf O'Donnell looked up at the night sky, watching the stars with his singular eye. He sat upon the wing of his recently wrecked Wolfen. His face spoke of pure anger. As much as he wanted to blame someone else for this, it was all his fault. He went after Fox McCloud on his own and payed the price. He pulled out his phone and opened up his messages.
Wolf: You almost here?
Pigma: Yup, just a few more minutes. Sit tight, Pup.
Wolf released a pained breath and out his phone back into his pocket. He needed a ride back home, and it was Pigma who answered the call. He wondered why Leon did not take the opportunity. Of his three teammates, Leon was the only one he'd want to be stuck with for the flight back, which lasted about five hours. Andrew was a terrible pilot and Pigma was...well Pigma. Nonetheless it was the hog coming to pick him up. Wolf's phone buzzed from his pocket and he pulled it out again.
Pigma: I'm touching down now :)
Wolf didn't bother replying, instead he looked up at the sky and watched as Pigma's ship appeared. It gently lowered down into the sand, sending it airborne as the exhausts got closer. Wolf waited until the ship was fully landed before he hopped up onto the wing and overlooked Pigma sitting in his cockpit. Pigma gave Wolf a shit-eating grin and popped the cockpit lid open. As soon as it opened, he looked over the cockpit to see it in a truly horrific state. Food wrappers and other garbage were everywhere. It was a pigsty, and Wolf was appalled at how someone could let their ship be in a state like this.
"Clean your fucking ship!" Wolf growled. Then, a terrible smell slapped him. "Ugh, what is that smell?"
"Well it's nice to see you too!" Pigma gave a hearty laugh.
"Just shut up and fly me home." Wolf replied and noticed something was wrong. Wolfens did not usually have two seats, but there was a storage space behind the seat that would fit another person. However, there was no divider between where Pigma sat and the storage. Instead, he moved the backrest all the way back. "Where's the divider?" Wolf asked. Pigma turned his head around to look at his seat.
"Oh yeah! I moved it back to make more space for me lay down. Took a nap on the way here!"
"You've got to be kidding me!"
"No, it's true. Just sit behind me." Pigma did not seem to notice the displeasure Wolf was expressing. Nevertheless, Wolf climbed down into seat and sat as far back as possible. He pushed aside multiple wrappers before sitting down. Their current sitting position was almost like Pigma was sitting on Wolf's lap, it was too close for comfort. Wolf kept both legs to one side. None of the two bothered to put on the safety belt. Pigma shifted the landing gear and took off, leaving Papetoon and Wolf's Wolfen behind. Wolf pushed aside some wrappers that were touching his leg.
"You packed a lot snacks for this trip." Wolf pointed out. He looked around and noticed something that made him mutter 'shit' under his breath. Most of the snacks he ate were dairy products. "Pigma, aren't you lactose intolerant?" Wolf asked.
"Yup." Pigma replied bluntly while he adjusted himself.
"And you're eating dairy?" Wolf asked, but he already knew that.
"Yup." Pigma said again.
"Fucking hell." Wolf said which made Pigma chuckle. "So that's why it smells like ass in here."
"Yup."
"I hate you." And with that Pigma let out a loud fart. The smell filled Wolf's nose and made him cough. "What the fuck man!?" Wolf yelled between coughs. The hog gave a hearty laugh and proceeded to fart again. "Dude, stop!" Wolf began to gag.
"What? I can't help it!" Pigma replied.
"You could have not eaten a shit ton of fucking dairy, you moron!" Wolf growled. He wanted to up and beat the shit out of the hog, but that would not get them home faster. It was going to be a long five hours. Wolf pinched his nose to block out the smell. "God it fucking stinks!"
"You want me to crack a window?"
"You jackass!"
The two rode in silence, well mostly silent except for Pigma's occasional ass explosions. The encapsulated air was tainted more and more with each fart. They were both breathing in the fumes and Pigma did not seem to mind. Wolf tried to refrain from choking on the smell. The lupine pulled out his phone and opened up his messages to Leon.
Wolf: Pigma won't stop farting.
Leon read his text.
Wolf: Why didn't you pick me up?
The wolf raised an eyebrow as it showed that Leon read his second text but never responded.
"What's up with Leon? Why didn't he pick me up?" Wolf asked Pigma, who was in the process of opening up another snack.
"All he told me was that a 'responsible adult' needed to stay back and watch the base." Pigma responded, followed by ripping another fart.
"So he sent you?"
"Yeah. Besides, I don't think he wants to see you now, anyway. He's mad at you for leaving us like that." Pigma said as he readjusted his sitting position, moving slightly closer to Wolf.
"Godammit." Wolf sighed. "I thought I could get him this time!"
"Not without backup. But anyway, Leon's kind of pissy so it's best that I got ya."
"I would've preferred someone who isn't farting every ten seconds." Wolf muttered, which prompted Pigma to release another one. The smell was driving Wolf crazy. It smelled like rotten eggs mixed with sour cream along with the simple smell of shit. "Maybe Andross oughta weaponize your ass against the Cornerians!" Laughter came out of Pigma from both his mouth and his butt.
"I'd love to rip a big one on General Pepper and those StarFox pricks!" Pigma exclaimed, then proceeded to rip a big one for Wolf instead.
One hour into their flight. and Wolf was finding it difficult to breathe. They were being succumbed by the smell, but Pigma did not seem to bat an eye.
"How can you stand this shit?" Wolf asked, holding his nose shut. Pigma chuckled and farted again.
"You get used to it. Besides, we all do it." Pigma said to try to justify and ripped ass again.
"Not like you." Wolf coughed. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Pigma took that as another reason to fart again. He had an average of eleven farts per minute. Wolf prayed that he would soon get it all out, but Pigma seemed to have an endless tank. The fat hog reached his hand behind himself.
"Hey Wolf, pull my finger!"
"Do I even need to?"
"No!" Pigma chuckled and farted. Wolf thought he would be nose-blind to it by now, but he was wrong. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around his snout, hoping that it would block out the awful smell. It did not work.
"Seriously why are you like this? Why do you like to fart on people?" Wolf asked angrily.
"Not everybody, just certain people. I remember one time Peppy Hare was in a similar situation that you're in. He didn't speak to me for a whole week after that." Pigma said with a laugh and a fart. Wolf shook his head and groaned.
"Don't think I'm letting you get away with this when we get back home!"
They were only one hour in, but it felt like a lifetime. Wolf still had forever to endure. Death was preferable to being trapped in a small space with Pigma.
The second hour passed and so did the gas from Pigma's ass. Wolf felt like he was sitting in an oven. Pigma farted again and all Wolf could do was just sigh and breathe it in. All of his efforts to block out the smell were fruitless, so he gave up. He accepted defeat and man did it stink! At this point he was less angry and more disappointed and even concerned. How the hell could one fart this much for HOURS?
"You should see a doctor." Wolf bluntly said.
"For what?"
"For your fucking farting!" Wolf growled.
"Eh, nah." Pigma said lazily. Wolf could only shake his head. Wolf wanted to ask what he ate that made him fart like this, but remembered the answer was all over the cockpit. The hog ate everything. Wolf was not even sure if he had a favorite snack, or if everything was his favorite. But all the dairy products made Wolf question if Pigma was doing this on purpose or if he was just an idiot. Pigma farted again. By now Wolf was able to determine what exactly he ate from the smell; a fact that disgusted Wolf.
"You fucking dumbass!" Wolf growled, which sent Pigma into a fit of boisterous laughter. "Are you gettin' off on this shit!?" Wolf asked, disgustedly. That just made Pigma laugh even more. "What is it with you and farting? Were you dropped on yer fuckin' scent gland as a child?"
"Maybe," Pigma giggled, "or maybe it was all the fart jokes in the shows I watched as a kid."
"I watched the same shit and yet I don't fart on my friends." Wolf stated with frustration.
Pigma did not know what to say, so he farted instead.
The third hour arrived, but Pigma had stopped farting. This hour they flew in peaceful silence, and Wolf was starting to think it was all over. He did not want to jinx himself, but he felt relieved.
"Seems like you ran out." Wolf said in a slight smile. Pigma began to laugh and Wolf's serious expression returned.
"Oh you think I'm all done? No sir, I've been building one up!" Pigma corrected. "And I think it's time for me to release it!" Pigma yelled with excitement. The hog began to shift around in his seat and proceeded to lift his rear end up.
"What the fuck are-?" Wolf was cut off as Pigma's butt pressed up against his face. Wolf squirmed to get out but it was no use, all he could do was brace for impact.
*BRRRAAAAAAAAPPPPP*
Pigma was not lying when he said he was building it up. This fart was much more powerful than any of the others. It was strong enough knock Wolf unconscious. Pigma took this opportunity to take a nap himself. The pig set his controls to autopilot and leaned back up against Wolf's body and fell asleep. Of course, Pigma farted in his sleep.
They slept through the rest of the third hour and most of the fourth. Wolf eventually woke up and shoved the pig away from him. Pigma snapped awake and continued flying and farting. As much as Wolf wanted to yell and beat the shit out of Pigma for what he did, Wolf couldn't even comprehend it. So Wolf just stayed quiet for the rest of the ride.
One last hour, and many farts later, they finally arrived home. Wolf moved forward and tried to get out of the cockpit but Pigma blocked his path. The hog started to get up and Wolf scrambled back away. It was a good call since the pig cut one loose as he climbed out of the cockpit. Wolf was still recovering from that blast to his face and did not need another. Wolf took a relieved breath. The new air filled his nose, creating a pleasant contrast to the air he had been stuck in for hours. While Wolf normally did not find the smell of their home base to be too good, it smelled like lavender compared to the air he had been breathing in for the past five hours.
As much as he wanted to rejoice, he had someone to talk to. Wolf made his way through the hallways towards Leon's room. As he walked he encountered Andrew in one of the hallways. The young monkey was smiling at something on his phone, and when he looked up at Wolf he almost burst into laughter.
"What's so funny?" Wolf asked, letting his bad mood show.
"What? Oh nothing, I swear!"
"You suck at lying."
"Okay, okay! I just heard you were getting hit with some chemical warfare!" Andrew said with a face Wolf wanted to punch. Wolf pinched between his snout and took a deep breath.
"Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up." Wolf replied bitterly, before continuing his walk to Leon's place. Andrew went back to looking back at his phone. That kid always knew how to get on Wolf's nerves.
Wolf approached Leon's room and knocked on the door. He contemplated just walking in, which is what he usually would do. Leon and Wolf's relationship had gotten to the point where they could walk into each other's rooms unprompted, but Wolf felt he should not do that this time. Wolf heard movement from inside the room, then the sound of the door being unlocked. The door opened and Leon's face stared directly at Wolf.
"Welcome home." Leon said in a bitter tone.
"Listen, can I come in?" Wolf asked. Leon blinked and gestured for Wolf to come in. Wolf entered and shut the door behind him while Leon went and sat down on his bed.
"You can't just leave us like that." Leon spoke softly. "With no warning. What were you thinking?"
"I know. I'm sorry. I thought I could get him, but I should have taken you with me." Wolf said as he sat down next to Leon. The chameleon was clearly still upset, but understood the sincerity of Wolf's words.
"I normally respect every choice you make, but I can't with that one" Leon sighed. "But what's done is done. How was the ride home?"
"Fucking awful. He would not stop ripping ass. I lost track of how many times but it had to be in the hundreds. It smelled terrible." Wolf growled. "Still, it should have been you who picked me up. Not Pigma. That ride was fucking awful." Wolf stated. Leon shook his head and leaned in closer towards Wolf.
"I can imagine." Leon sniffed. "I can smell it on you."
"Really? Ugh. The smell is stuck in my nose." Wolf released a breath. "So do you forgive me?"
"The question is: do YOU forgive me?"
"Why would I need to forgive you?"
"I was the one who told Pigma to eat all that dairy. And I told him to record it."
"WHAT?"
Andrew and Pigma stood in one of the hallways watching and laughing at the video of Wolf and Pigma's ride home. Suddenly, Leon came barreling down the hallway. Pigma and Andrew watched as the lizard sprinted down and turned the corner. Then, Wolf rushed down after him.
"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Wolf yelled as he chased after Leon. Andrew and Pigma burst into laughter as Wolf flew by them, chasing the chameleon.