Severus POV
PTSD is a normal reaction for someone who has experienced a major trauma just like it is natural to bleed after being stabbed. Severus Snape suffered from and experienced PTSD and being stabbed. Though suffering from PTSD was much worse than being stabbed. He couldn't be sure what specific trauma he experienced first initiated his disorder. Maybe it was when he first joined Voldemort and his followers, or when he became a spy or the first time he killed someone. Or maybe it was when he fought in the war instead of working on the sidelines. But it didn't matter. The world is covered in ruins from war. And he certainly was a ruin of what he once was. He was a spy and has been one for almost 20 years in the war against Voldemort.
As a spy, his job was to observe and report any information he was able to collect. If only that was all he had to do. A part of his job was to lie, cheat and manipulate those around him. That was common knowledge. One of the reasons most of the order didn't trust him. They never knew which side he was playing. They always doubted him. Always assuming the worst in him even after years of providing invaluable information and risking his life they still questioned his judgement and his loyalty. He had a role in the war just like everyone else. Though most people diminished the risk and importance of his role. They just viewed it as the best of both worlds for him. No matter which side won he would be safe. But that wasn't true. Most of the time outthinking your opponent was more critical than fighting him. Severus had to constantly pretend his inferiority and encourage his arrogance. In order to force the Dark Lord to reveal himself to find out his weakness.
He was not to intervene in any circumstance. And that was a difficult concept for a bunch of bleeding heart Gryffindors. But he knew the importance of picking his battles in order to win the war. He had to stand back and watch countless innocent individuals tortured, raped and killed. Women, children and men. Though he never partook in certain extra activities the other death eaters did that gave them sadistic pleasure. He feigned impotence. That didn't prevent him from being ordered to crutio people until they pissed themselves. Or to torture someone until they couldn't move. They would lay for hours covered in their own blood and in excruciating pain. And Severus could do nothing to help them. Once you were captured by the death eaters there was almost no chance of escape. No one was going to rescue you. You would die surrounded by monsters and in chains. The only thing he could do to ease their pain was to kill them. He only had to kill or torture a person only a handful of times. Most of the time the Dark Lord had him focus on spying on the order, Dumbledore, brewing potions, and silently recruit students while performing his normal job as a professor. He had only killed 7 innocents while the number of death eaters he killed was much higher. He killed them either on the Dark Lord's orders or because they proposed a threat to his cover. He did what he needed to do so that the order and the light could thrive. Another reason no one liked him was that he was a miserable git. But you would be too if you had seen all that he had. Or experienced. Most people would cringe and look away in fear if they saw the scars on his body and that was not including his dark mark.
At the end of the day, it didn't matter how others viewed him. He had long since made peace with people's opinion of him. He had heard it all before; murder, death eater, ugly, coward, greasy git. It wasn't something new and it certainly wouldn't be the last time he heard it. But it didn't matter to him. At the end of the day, he was there with everyone else fighting during the final battle. He was injured and killed to protect others. And yet he was forgotten. But that instinct to fight to survive didn't just go away when the sun started to rise.
Adjusting from war was hard enough in itself. Any soldier knew that first hand. No man comes home from war, not truly. Every noise sounded like an explosion and your ears would ring. Your blood ran cold whenever someone sneaked up behind you. Or if they touched your arm it was a reflex to try and to defend yourself. Your bed was too soft and you couldn't sleep. Always haunted by memories that would present themselves as dreams. Trying to adjust to civilian life when your body and soul were used to and missed fighting. Add onto a man or woman the added stress of being trapped in an alternate dimension. Then 14 months later to be sent away again from everything they knew and grew to love. Most people wouldn't be able to handle it or come out of the other side with their insanity intact.
Severus Snape and Hermione Granger did. Barely.
They never could figure out how it had happened even after everything came to an end. The only logical explanation they could come up with was that a time-delayed portkey activated due to dark magic. But even then it couldn't account for all of the variables. Maybe it was fate or destiny. Maybe it was karma. Call it what you want. Severus held the personal opinion that it was revenge from some death eater and at the time Mrs. Granger was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Severus held the personal opinion that it was revenge from some death eater and at the time Mrs. Granger was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. But for reasons that couldn't be explained Hermione and Snape ended up in an alternate dimension.
Not many people knew that the universe was filled with infinite alternate dimensions. They never knew what to call the dimension they were in. It was too different and complex, to sum up in one word. From what they could tell it was a farmland and rural environment. The world was in some type of post-apocalyptic/war recovery. They never asked about the history of the world they were in and no one questioned them on their confused expressions or survival-based experiences. They were all survivors in one way or another just trying to find a place to call home. One thing they did know for sure was that no magic existed in this world. Which posed quite a problem for the two of them.
They came across a town called old Wickery after two months of aimless wandering. The town was filled with houses that for the most part had some type of running water but no electricity. The town consisted of around 700 hundred people. Everyone contributed in one way or another and everything was built by hand. There was a school for the children and an old run-down library. A beat-up doctor and dentist's office ran out of part of an old pharmacy. The pharmacy and medicine were based on plants and herbs with medicinal properties. A bar or two, a clothing shop, and other necessities were found within the town. Most of the adults worked in the fields planting, watering and harvesting food that was traded or sold at the market in town. There were hunters and even a sheriff and some local protectors. The entire town; including the wheat fields and even some of the forest, was surrounded by a 20ft tall wall. The city was protected against bandits, militia and other unknown riffraff criminals. It was a safe place and for the most part, if you were new to town and willing to contribute to society and play by their rules then you were welcome to stay
Severus Snape leaned against the brick walls of Hogwarts. It was dark; the sun has long since set.
He was smoking his second cigarette of the night. Smoking was one of the many habits he gained after the war. Though one of his worst coping methods. But he liked watching the smoke cloud his vision. Sometimes he could imagine it clouding his mind and dampening his memories. Though it was never successful. It's funny he never really had a family before or ever felt welcomed anywhere. Though Hogwarts had always been his home the halls always felt lonely. He never knew what a true home felt like until Old Wickery. But like all things in his life, that too has been taken away from him. He stamped out the fire and made his way through the halls.
He ended up making his way to his private potions lab the only place he could go during the school year and even the summer where he wouldn't be bothered by the students or other staff members. The only place left untainted by Hermione's presence. A place that was once his personal sanctuary now felt empty.
Yes, Hermione. Not Mrs. Granger as it once was.
Despite his initial disdain over Hermione Granger. Initial; being the past seven years. It was almost impossible for the two people to be trapped together for months on end having to rely on one another to survive and not become close with one another. And once they started to build a life in Old Wickery they started to build a life together.
They never bothered to search for a way home. In a world, without magic and textbooks on the subject, the two of them were left in the dark. And after several months of adjusting and accepting their new life in Old Wickery, they both gave up the hope of ever returning home. And in the end, it wasn't such a bad thing. They lived together in an old two-story farmhouse on the edge of town. They had their own private vegetable garden and the house had a small brick wall that separated it from the surrounding wheat fields. Hermione worked as an elementary teacher and he provided healing herbs for the pharmacy and helped the sheriff conduct patrols. Something about Old Wickery just felt right. It always felt warm, comforting and inviting. Like basking in the sun or drinking hot cocoa after coming inside from a snowstorm. It became their home.
Being in a world without magic seemed to strip the two of them until all that was left was the basics. He wasn't her professor, a death eater or a murderer. And she wasn't a student or war hero. They were just a man and a woman. And somehow they became more.
Severus wasn't sure when everything changed between them. Maybe it was when she seemed to willingly seek him out for not only advice but for daily conversation. The way her eyes would seek him out in a crowd because she knew he was not comfortable in close proximity with others. Or when he looked forward to their morning walks through the wheat fields so he could see the way she seemed to glow in the sunlight. Or when he sought her out at night to ensure she got home safe every night. The way they joked over her awful cooking and he would always redo instead of doing it the first time around just so the two of them could spend more time together in the morning. They both seemed to be comfortable in each other's presence. Even during the moments where there was no need to speak. He told her things about himself that he buried in the darkest corners of his mind and she told him things she was always too afraid to say to her friends. It did help that she was already aware of the basics of his role as a spy and a death eater. There was no need to filter his past from her. But she never demanded answers from him. She took his advice and stopped wearing sleeves that covered her scar and he in return didn't feel so ashamed to let his dark mark show. Due to her encouragement, he was introduced to some of their neighbours and even became friends with some of them. He would go once a month to the Daniels' family picnic without much of a fuss. And once a week he and Sheriff Tony would drink the night away on his porch.
It made sense as to why he would fall in love with her. She was intelligent, kind, and beautiful. She was well-read and ambitious and not lazy like her fellow Gryffindors. She was brave despite being so young but not rash. She wasn't ignorant or arrogant though sometimes she could be bossy. Something he began to find cute. She encouraged him but didn't nag him. She made him want to be a better man not for her sake but because she believed that he deserved better than what he was getting out of life. She wanted him to get happiness out of life with or without her. She was simply a remarkable woman.
He loved toying with her hair, he could play with it for hours in fascination. Her brown eyes would glow in golden rays no matter the time of day. He could see the reflection of the world around her and it was beautiful. He loved the way she would remain quiet for hours as she silently read. Completely immersed in her head. The way she would bite the edge of her thumb and her the middle of her brow creased as she turned the page left him wondering if she was dancing in a daydream or carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. It left him wanting to know more. And everything about her. He loved the way the lanterns in the market square made her sparkle as they danced under the night way her back would press up against his chest as they sat together on the steps of the porch watching the sun set as they drank a cup of tea. He loved waking up every morning to see the light shining down on the two of them. Or the way she curled up into his side as they slept. Even her subconscious sought him out for safety. He was truly surprised when she began to reciprocate his feelings. She knew who he was and what he had done. And yet that didn't stop her from loving a monster.
Severus was always alone. He didn't trust easily and he liked to keep his emotions close to his heart. It was for the most part by choice. Until the day it wasn't and he was forced into an alternate dimension with Hermione Granger. But slowly he chose to be with her.
It tore him apart when he woke up to screaming and found himself back at 12 Grimmauld place. He never could imagine the pain he would feel in that moment or the weeks after. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw Potter and Weasley hugging Hermione. The world was silent as Severus tried to gain his bearing before the world fell into chaos.
Are you okay?
What happened?
Who did this?
How did you escape?
And where were you for the past three days?
Three days? He stared at them in disbelief. No, they were gone for 14 months. That wasn't something he could just have made up. No one could fake such intricate details that had become his memories. It was real, his experiences and feelings were real and definitely valid. Luckily and to his immense relief, Hermione was just as confused as he was. It wasn't all a dream. Though that would probably have made it easier.
That was the first thing they had to adjust to after their return. Their perception of time was different. For the world, only three days had gone by. But for him and Hermione, they had lived an additional 14 months. They both had to get used to the use of magic again. Magic was at their very core. It was a part of their DNA. It made them who they are. And that didn't go away when they were in the alternate dimension. It wasn't as though they had a part of her body amputated and it felt like something was missing. Both of them could feel it boiling underneath the surface just waiting to be unleashed. But no matter how hard they tried. It wouldn't work. It left both him and Hermione feeling frustrated. And after the first couple of months, they stopped trying. With and without their wands. It felt strange holding his wand in his hand. The feeling of his magic channelling through his wand was incredible. He tried to start simply knowing his magic would have built up over the last year and that it would be explosive. He started with a basic levitation charm and ended up sending sparks in every direction and caused a couple of fires. Luckily it didn't take long for him to get it all under control. That was one of the only perks of returning home. Everything else felt like a bad nightmare. He had to drag himself out of his bed every day and dreaded facing the day. He dreaded seeing his coworkers and the cheery disposition as they enjoyed the last few weeks of their summer vacation. He hated that he was now going to be a professor again, but he didn't have the heart to tell Dumbledore, the man that gave him a second chance, that he was just going to up and leave and probably never come back. A thought he had been toying with ever since his return. And what he hated the most was that no one seemed to notice how much he was struggling. He was never much of a happy-go-lucky person but still, he would have a few moments of bliss. He was a master spy but not even he could fake pleasantries and happiness. He couldn't always cover the dark circles under his eyes that stood out prominently against his sallow skin. But no one noticed or maybe they simply didn't care. One of the two. Or maybe both. Before it would never have bothered him. But now after meeting people who seemed to generally care about his well-being, maybe he was selfish for wanting more.
And it wasn't the friends that they had lost that hurt the most. That left a hole in his dark heart.
Nor was it Old Wickery, the house or even the Wheatfields. It was losing her.
Severus sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was supposed to be brewing some skele-gro for the infirmary and yet he just couldn't tear his thoughts from her. He had done a lot of things in his life. Lying and pretending was a specialty of his but this would be the hardest thing he ever had to do. How was he supposed to pretend that the last 14 months never happened? How was he supposed to pretend that he was fine and that everything was normal for him? How was he supposed to pretend that he didn't love her? But he would do it. For her sake not for his. He knew in his head that she deserved better than him and all that he could over her. He held a candle flame of a chance when they were in Old Wickery of making her happy and for them to grow old together. But here at Hogwart, the candle had gone out. It had gone out the moment they woke up on the floor.
"She graduates in 8 months." Severus looked up to find the wise eyes of Albus Dumbledore staring at him behind his moon glasses. It was a testament to how lost in his thoughts he was since he never noticed the Headmaster's entry. Though the man had spent years learning to mast to cover the sound of his footsteps. You would think he was floating while in his purple robes. He wasn't surprised to see him here. He was his only friend and brave enough to dare enter his territory unannounced. If he was in a normal state of mind he could have severely injured him if was surprised. "However, you know just like every other staff member of this school that as long as she is of age; which she is, then there are no rules preventing a student-teacher relationship."
Severus wasn't surprised by Albus's assumption or accusation. Whatever one would call such a statement. There was no hesitancy or anger in his voice. The man knew many of his secrets though he never told him. He never told anyone about what truly happened between him and Hermione in Old Wickery. She never told her friends about their relationship. Hermione never told him that. She didn't have to. He figured it out on his own by the lack of a mob knocking down his door. They wouldn't understand. They hated Severus, always had. They would think that he forced her, which was preposterous. Or strap her down until what they would think was polyjuice or a love potion wore off. And once they knew she was with him willingly they would think she was crazy. They wouldn't understand. He was her professor again even though he wasn't at the time they began their relationship. Hell, they had just celebrated her 20th birthday and now she was 18 again. They would think that it was a matter of convenience. The two of them were trapped alone. Despite the fact, there were other people in town and interested individuals, the two of them were the only ones who knew each other. Admittedly it was something both he and Hermione had thought about when he realized he was attracted to her. But he loved her then and he still loved her now. It was as if the two of them were bound to one another. Separately they were two pages in a book, but together they created the rest of the story.
"It doesn't matter as long as I am her professor." Logically he knew that it was pointless to fight for something that would ultimately fail. Even if he could forgive himself for being in a relationship with one of his students it wouldn't change the problems it would cause for her. If anyone found out she would be referred to every derogatory name a female could be given. She would be accused of favouritism and then her grades would be put in question. Her friends would then hate her. And that was putting it simply. In the end, she would have to choose; him or her friends, and he wasn't selfish enough to make her choose. His heart on the other hand protested when they went their separate direction. His heart begged him to turn around and fight for her. It was a double-edged sword. I'm damned if I do. I'm damned if I don't.
He knew that Hermione was struggling with adjusting as well. They didn't want to end things between them but it was the right thing to do. But right for who in the end. It broke his heart when the tears started to stream down her face when she kissed him goodbye.
He hoped that she at least had more things to distract her and to help her eventually move on then he did. She had to start locating her parent; who were still in Australia without any memories that they even had a daughter. Then she had to start focusing on her NEWTS though he had no doubt she would receive the highest marks. School was always her first love and something she prided herself over. One of the many reasons why he couldn't keep interfering in her life. He was a distraction. She also had to try to make the leap to reconnect with her friends again. They probably knew that something was off with her by now. They might not be the brightest bunch but they were close enough to see through her fake smile. He knew she felt guilty. She loved her friends and her life here. But after what she experienced in the last 14 months she couldn't help but want more. To live again in that small provincial town. Not to have to live up to any expectations. To be whoever she wanted to be. To be truly and utterly free.
He could imagine it so clearly in his head. She was wearing one of his old t-shirts that she never bothered to return as she sat underneath the window sill in the library at Grimmauld Place. She would have a book in her hand but she wouldn't be able to focus long enough to read it. She wouldn't have turned the page in ages as stared outside. Sometimes like right now she would stare out the window on the third floor as she wished that she was seeing something different than what was right in front of her. She would have been dreaming more than she had been sleeping. He wished that he could be with her just for a moment if only to see her smile one last time.
"Okay, then you're fired." He dropped the ladle he had in his hand. Probably ruining his potion. He couldn't have possibly heard him right. He almost thought he heard the words You're fired.
"What?" He asked, narrowing his eyes in disbelief. Surely being in love made him go crazy or deaf.
"You are relieved of your post on this staff." He dreamed about hearing those words for almost 20 years. He hated teaching and he wasn't a fan of children either. He only stayed as a favour for Albus but he had hoped that it was only a temporary favour and not a permanent career path. He had done everything humanly possible in order to hear those words coming out of his mouth. And he didn't know what to say. He had never been surprised by such a statement before. However, he was also a cautious man and this was too good to be true. To just be fired for no reason at all. He hadn't done anything horrible or said anything particularly mean to anyone lately in fact he was on relatively good behaviour. So he was naturally suspicious.
"Well, now that you are unemployed I would like to hire you." His voice was cheerful as he said this. As if he held the world's largest bowl of lemon drops.
"You fired me and now want to give me a job?' Severus was confused, to say the least. The old man had finally gone off his rocker or sucked one too many lemon drops.
"It's a contract position. Until we can handle the vacant potions position I would like you to work as a consultant, supplying the infirmary with potions. Of course, you could also do some of your experiments as well. And since you would be brewing for the school you would have full access to the lab here." Severus couldn't believe his ears. What was the catch? "And to make it more convenient a room as well. Perhaps a new set instead of your previous one."
Could he? Could he even do this? Well of course Albus could, he was the headmaster. But could he personally do this? Albus was giving him a chance. A chance to have everything he ever wanted. To be happy. Though it would still be a difficult road ahead of them. People would still talk, rumours would spread. But he wouldn't be put under any possible legal scrutiny and she wouldn't be involved with a professor. Her reputation wouldn't be ruined. He wouldn't have a level of authority over her. There wouldn't be a moral sense of duty either of them would be obliged to follow. They would once again be on equal footing. But was he both brave and selfish enough to take it?
"Well? What do you say?" Albus asked with a raised brow. It was clear that he was expecting an immediate answer. There would be no time to deliberate. No time to go and see if this would change anything for him and Hermione. If he refused he might have just thrown away the best opportunity to ever come his way. If he accepted he would finally be free from a job he hated but would it even be worth it if Hermione wasn't there to celebrate and be by his side.
Being sent into the alternate dimension was a blessing in disguise. He found a home and found love. His home was ripped away from him. That he had no control over. But he did have control over losing the women he loved. She was still right here in arms reach just behind the door he closed. That Albus had now unlocked. Like always Abus was giving him a second chance. Not for redemption or to ease his guilty conscience. But to build a home again.
And with a renewed sense of purpose, he squared his shoulders and smirked at his old friend. "I guess I will have to have the house elves relocate my effects." His answer was obvious.
"And where are you going?" Albus asked as Severus clearly headed in the opposite directions of his room. He was so quick in his haste that he barely had time to distinguish the flames from underneath his cauldron.
"I have to make a trip to the library." There was a woman sitting underneath the window sill dreaming of wheat fields he had to fight for.
Please let me know what you thought of this little one shot.
I am not sure if I will do a prequal story with them in the alternate dimension. Depending one how many views and hits I get and any comments I might do a sequel/add on, where I do a couple chapters of just scenes and memories in that world. If you have any ideas let me know.