Kei knew he was intelligent. He prided himself in his grades, studying practically every chance he had downtime. He was one of the top students in his grade, ranking fourth in his entire class. He was planning to apply to Tohokudai, one of the top ranking universities in all of Japan. If he wasn't studying, he was practicing volleyball with his brother and his college friends. On top of everything, he had basically mastered English all on his own.
Yet, in this moment, he was the stupidest person in the whole world.
Kei felt as if he had frozen in place as he watched the scene unfold in front of him.
Hinata with his hands in Yachi's hair, hers under his shirt, their lips locked with each other's.
Before they could even open their eyes, Kei was slamming the door shut again. He backed away from the small bedroom and down the hallway as if the entire room was on fire.
Idiot, how could he be such an idiot?!
It all started their first year. Kei was somehow roped into tutoring his two moronic classmates, something he doubted he would've done if it wasn't for Daichi's incessant nagging.
(And definitely not the way Shōyō had pleaded, the adorable way he resembled a puppy, his bottom lip jutted out when begging for his help.)
At first, he had decided that it was the worst karma he could ever receive for all of his teasing. The two freak twins were constantly arguing with each other, and neither of them could comprehend even the most basic of practice questions.
But then, something changed. Shōyō came around for his help more often, every chance that he got. This meant that the two of them were usually left alone as Kei helped the other run through English flashcards, or whatever it was that he wanted help on. Kei found himself starting to look up from his books more during down time, catching himself getting excited at the thought of Shōyō visiting him during their time in between classes.
He had started to warm up to Shōyō's sunshiney personality, and it terrified him.
When Tadashi had told him that the two moron twins had decided to go bug Yachi for help, his initial reaction was relief. But, horrifyingly, as the relief wore off, he could start to feel grief seeping in. He had pushed that feeling deep down inside him, burying it under the cold façade that everyone was familiar with. Kei didn't want to think about the terrifying truth that he had realized about himself.
He had completely and utterly fallen in love with the idiot that was Shōyō Hinata.
For the first few months after coming to this realization, Kei had avoided Shōyō as if he had the plague. It wasn't like it was out of character for him, but Shōyō had decided it was.
"Why are you hiding from me?" Shōyō had called to him in an empty hallway during their last day of school before winter break. Everyone had gone home, Kei was just there to pick up Tadashi's water bottle he had left in their class. Who knows why Shōyō was there.
Kei had bristled at that, shoulders jolting up to touch his ears and hide his burning face. Why was he embarrassed? It wasn't like they were friends or anything. Why did Shōyō care so much?
"I don't know what you're talking about." Kei had replied, deciding to keep his back turned.
"Yes you do!" He insisted, "You don't make fun of me anymore, and you stopped giving advice on how to block. You don't even look my direction anymore!"
Kei could hear the other's footsteps getting louder as he got closer.
"You're complaining about me not teasing you?" Kei responded, the grip on Tadashi's water bottle in his hand tightening.
"That's not what I meant, and you know that."
He did. He knew exactly what Shōyō meant.
"What do you want from me? An apology? For not being mean?" Kei willed his voice to not waver.
"I want you to keep talking to me," Hinata scoffed, "I want you to keep being my friend."
Kei could run. He could walk away and ignore Shōyō like he had been doing for months now. But it was almost as if his feet were glued to the floor, unable to move. He was coming face to face with his biggest insecurity, and for the first time in a while, he was terrified again. He wanted to cry. He wanted to turn around to face Shōyō. He wanted to run. Instead, he stayed silent, stuck in place as if he was a statue.
"We're friends, Tsukki," Shōyō said, voice softer now that they were within speaking distance, "And I mean it."
Kei swallowed thickly, willing the lump in his throat to go away.
"Fine." He said.
And as if that word was a key, his feet were freed from where they had stood, and he was walking away.
Their second year wasn't any better.
Kei couldn't keep ignoring his feelings for Shōyō. His crush had started to overtake everything he had known before, overpowering his ability to keep his cold personality up around the red head. By their second semester, Shōyō had realized this too. The more Kei impulsively was nice to him, the more he had inserted himself into his life, and the more Kei started to fall in love. And the more he felt fear growing in himself.
As time went on, they had gotten to be the closest they've ever been since they've known each other. Shōyō knew he could get away with practically anything now, and Kei didn't know what he could do to fix it. He just weathered the storm of his own feelings, willing himself not to turn into a bright red puddle every time Shōyō flashed him a huge smile, every time Shōyō grabbed his hands after an amazing block, and every time Shōyō teased him when he got the chance. Kei hated how vulnerable he had become around him. He needed to do something about it.
He couldn't run, he had already tried his first year. He couldn't keep staying quiet, his feelings were going to eat away at him until there was nothing left. There was really only one thing he could do.
Tell Shōyō about his feelings.
The first time that thought arose, he immediately shut it down. Absolutely no way was that going to happen in their lifetime. But then the thought about confessing kept coming back, slowly starting to worm his way into all his thoughts, and filling every quiet moment his brain had. He hated the idea, the mere thought of sharing his feelings made his heart pound out of his chest. He was scared. But he was more scared of the idea of going his entire high school career without saying anything, and then any chance of being together disappearing when Shōyō inevitably made it to the big leagues, and Kei was stuck in Sendai.
He was going to confess one way or another, whether he plan it out, or it came out accidentally.
Kei decided at the beginning of his third year that he would tell his feelings on Shōyō's 18th birthday. It gave him enough time to plan out what he was going to say, and it gave them enough time to let Shōyō drop him without much heartbreak if things went wrong. The worst he could do was say no, and even if it was scary, he'd much rather be rejected and know exactly how Shōyō felt about him, and hopefully it would shut his feelings down entirely. Kei didn't think Shōyō would be homophobic, he remembered how supportive he was of Tobio when he had came out to the rest of their friends after practice one day at the beginning of their third year.
What was the worst that could happen? It wasn't like Shōyō was dating anyone.
How stupid of him to assume no one else would fall in love with Shōyō Hinata as well.
How stupid of him to assume Shōyō would like men as well.
He needed to leave the party now. Shōyō's house felt as if the walls were closing in on him, his vision starting to tunnel as he frantically looked for Tadashi. Eventually, he found him, talking to Tobio and Kenma, laughing at something one of them said.
"Tadashi," Kei started, clamping down on his best friend's shoulder, "I'm ready to go home now."
There was no room for debate in his tone. Kei needed out of there now, and fast.
Tadashi turned to look at him, the annoyance of his conversation being interrupted so abruptly quickly disappearing into a look of worry after seeing the expression on Kei's face.
"It's time for us to go," Tadashi said, quickly pulling away from the other two he was with and ushering Kei towards the door, "Tell Shōyō happy birthday one more time for us!"
And just like that, they were out the door and in Tadashi's car.
"What happened?" Tadashi said the second they pulled out of the driveway.
Kei rested his head on the dash, the seatbelt digging into his neck uncomfortably, but not enough for him to care.
"I..." He started, "I think I'm in love with Hinata."
Kei squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the lump in his throat grow painful. He choked out a sob as tears slipped their way through his tightly closed eyelids.
Tadashi stayed quiet, the only sound in the car being his own sadness and the AC. He hated the way the silence sat in the small car, save for the occasional sniffle from him.
"Can you..." Tadashi hesitated, picking his words carefully, "Start from the beginning?"
Where he would've stayed quiet usually, this wasn't usually. Kei couldn't even think about stopping himself before words started pouring out of him, starting in their first year when Shōyō had caught the ball in front of his face before they were even official team members. By the end of his speech, he was sitting up, raking his hands through his hair and not even caring about the tears now freely flowing down his face.
Tadashi had stayed silent during his tearful confession, and where Kei would've loved it if it was any other time, he was absolutely unnerved by it now. He needed his best friend to be there for him, to say the words that would make him feel better. Kei could practically hear the gears turning in Tadashi's head as he wracked his brain for the right words to say. After a long silence, he finally spoke.
"It's not because of you." He said quietly. Oddly enough, that was one of the most comforting things that Kei could hear at the moment.
"Will you at least call me stupid?" Kei had chuckled out sadly.
"No, because you're not stupid." Tadashi said, a complete seriousness in his voice as a comforting smile pulled at the corners of his lips, "These things will happen, and in the moment it sucks. It's okay to be scared, terrified even. But what matters is what you do after, and the most uncool thing you can do is to run away, and isolate yourself. Don't go back to being 15, Tsukki."
Kei took a deep breath in, each word slowly starting to calm him down from his breakdown. He sat back in his seat, staring a hole in the fabric ceiling.
"Jeez," Kei finally spoke, a bit nasally from the crying, "Are you sure you're going into electronics and not therapy?"
Tadashi finally chuckled at that, breaking the rest of the tension in the tiny car.
They stayed silent for the rest of the drive back to Kei's house, but now the silence was comfortable. Kei was exhausted, and he just wanted two things. To be with his best friend, and to sleep.
As they pulled into the driveway of his house, the realization that he would be alone quickly hit him, jolting him awake.
"Um..." He said, feeling nervous around Tadashi for the first time since their first year, "Can you sleep over?"
Tadashi quickly nodded, putting the car in park and getting out. He was thankful for it.
Kei was thankful to have such a great best friend.