A/N: Just a side project to cool down between chapters of my main work. The writing of The Golden Boy of Sargasso will resume soon.
Hear ye hear ye ladies and gentlemen! It is I, your humble servant, that has come upon this earth to offer you tales from a land beyond the sway of the wise, away from the grasp of the fool. A land where tragic backstories wither to anecdotes, where enemies become friends and friends enemies. Whence I come, love enthrones and bends logic to its will, fantasies blossom to the detriment of consistency, and heterosexuals are an endangered species. People from the internet, let me present you the treasures from this strange land: shipping fanfics!
Weeks passed since I read Nitwit Nonsense from my highly esteemed colleague EternallyEcho on AO3 (a fruitful read whose jocosity I vouch for without reservation!). Weeks since the enlightening epiphany which dawned upon me. For the truth is apodictic and incontrovertible, my friends, and I shall expose it: Panther can be shipped with anybody and it wouldn't unhinge a soul.
Pardon me? What is that I hear? Objections?! Oh my giddy aunt, the audience teems with sceptics! It shall be no more, for I will demonstrate to anyone's satisfaction Panther's versatility for the matters of the heart. Thus, here is my purpose: to write a series of one-shots where our favourite jungle cat will experience the bliss of love, each time with a different character from this universe (… or beyond. Prepare your anus, Delta).
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the shipping train. Fasten your seatbelts, for it has no brake!
Chapter 1: Fox
A flat cold surface against the cheek… A vague humming in the background…
So were Fox's first sensations upon a sluggish awakening, dragging him out of a sleep too deep not to arouse suspicion. He opened his eyes, vision still blurry, to find himself on his stomach against metal through which engine-like sounds reverberated. The handcuffs on his back hinged his movements, but if he could at least sit up and…
Wait a minute… Handcuffs?!
A panicked tug of his wrists and ankles confirmed his fears. He inhaled to scream before a headache, as delicate as a pile of bricks falling from the third floor, turned his call for help into the gargle of a drunkard burping in his own vomit—that's what it sounded like at least. Recent events came back. He remembered sauntering the pavement, unarmed and dressed like your run-of-the-mill Cornerian water-drinker; the caress of the wind months in isolation in space made precious; enjoying his sparse vacation in one of those casual bar whose beer your friend says is very good, and when you try out you suddenly wonder why is this person still your friend. He also remembered a peculiar tinge in his pint.
He'd thought it was mint. It wasn't.
Yet the vulpine wasn't one to lose his temper. He was just captured, it was not like he forgot to close the freezer before exiting the Great Fox or something. He threw around a cursory glance which met a dark empty room, and stars beyond a small window. After having thrashed around for a few minutes, sparing energy came as a priority, and his body relaxed as much as it could. The captors would probably come soon to meet a very, very, very angry fox. Not dangerous since he was handcuffed, but still pretty pissed off.
A door slid and cast a rectangle of light onto the vulpine, before footsteps grew closer.
Fox growled. "You must be high, or drunk, or both, to think any of this was a good idea!"
As a response, he only heard the flick of a switch before neons lighted up the whole metallic room. Something screeched against the floor. It sounded like wood, and kept approaching before stopping close behind Fox.
"Free me and be a man! Show me what kind of animal you are!"
"Oh, but it is my intent," a voice replied. A sticky, snooty, suave voice Fox wouldn't forget, despite having heard him only a handful of times in space.
The vulpine was about to reply when two strong paws, gripping under the shoulders, cut him off by heaving and seating him on the wooden object which turned out to be a chair. His gaze caught the figure as it circumvented him to stand ahead.
Fox stared at the black panther and showed his teeth. Nothing in the feline's expression pointed towards hostile intents—for the moment at least—but 'friendly' wouldn't fit well either. "Not only Wolf's too cowardly to beat me fair game, but he also sends his underling to deal with me?"
"On this point we agree. Wolf's cowardice is outmatched only by his arrogance." Panther spoke without sarcasm, in full agreement, even allowing himself a knowing nod. "And his distaste when it comes to choosing a colour for the kitchen's ceiling."
"And still, he… Wait, what?"
"Nevermind." He chuckled and waved in dismissal. What the hell was he doing? Was he being… friendly? "However, I take great offence in your choice of appellation. And underling? Me?"
The vulpine raised a brow. "Aren't you under his authority?"
"…"
"Well that makes you an underling."
"…"
"By definit—"
"Okay, fine!" Panther paced in front of Fox, hiding his frustration. "You are wrong on one aspect, though. Wolf did capture you, and will soon send Leon to torture you. But, he did not send me. I am here on my own accord."
"Huh… What are you doing here then?"
"I am talking to you."
"Thanks captain, I meant: what is the reason that made you come into this room?"
"Because you are here and nowhere else."
"I know, but why did you want to see me?"
"To talk to you."
"Stop doing that."
"Okay." Panther erased his smile, a bit too proud of his bantering. "I'm here for two things. First…"
He stepped closer, as if he primed himself to slam some fox cheek. Contrary to Fox's expectations, he kneeled and untied the prisoner's ankles, before looping around him and acting alike with his wrists. Fox rubbed his paws, relishing on the lack of contact.
"Uh, thanks." Fox looked around, expecting a nasty surprise at any minute, "But I'm not sure what I did to get this."
"You bless this unholy place of your dashing presence."
"What?"
"And the second reason is… I have a proposition."
What the heeeeell is going on?
Fox didn't want to gloss over the remark. "No no no, repeat the last thing you said."
"I have a proposition."
"Before that."
"And the second reason is."
Fox closed his eyes and shook his head. "Like trying to get out of a pyramid…"
The feline grew a wide smile, in a perfect yet eerie harmony with his yellow eyes. "Listen, Fox. It is known that you're the best pilot of Lylat. Yet, it is the least of your achievements, for you were bestowed with numerous qualities! You have honour, you're fierce and strong, you protect the innocent. And top of that, you're humble!"
"You sound like those retards who beg me to let them join Star Fox, you realise that?"
"Unlike them, I mean every word I utter!" He paused, sizing up Fox with a quick glance. "You intrigue me, Fox. There's few people like you. You stand on a mountain, overlooking the unwashed masses, worthless peasants before your grandeur. But I keep wondering… Don't you feel lonely, atop that mountain?"
Fox stared at the void awhile. "What?"
"I share your qualities, especially humility. Hence, I am, by far, the most qualified to keep you company in this hard quest we mortals call life. Imagine! You and I, travelling through the system, overcoming dangers after dangers in the most passionate of the partnership! A duo like none other, exceptional—"
"Panther."
"Yes darling?"
"All the… darling… All that spiel you made me endure… Was it flirting?"
Panther sniggered. "Without dispute, your mind is sharp and your heart is a tough one to conquer, and I'm ready to explore every possibility."
"Wait… Wait… Wait wait wait…" The pause stretched into an excruciating silence.
Fox looked at Panther. Panther looked at Fox. Panther wiggled his eyebrows.
"Waaaaaait wait wait wait 𝕨𝕒𝕚𝕥 waitwaitwait 𝓌𝒶𝒾𝓉 ʇᴉɐʍ… Are you telling me—"
"Yes."
An uncomfortable silence settled, during which Fox fixated a point ahead of him, thus ignoring whatever antics the feline was up to. At once, he jumped out of the chair and ran towards the door before banging it with both fists as though his life depended on it. "Leon! Please come torture me!"
Panther's smile vanished. "Hush, you fool! He might actually come!"
"I know, I'm counting on it! Anything not to stay another second with you!" Fox resumed his desperate banging before two black-furred arms grabbed his, spun him around, and pinned him against the door. Panther's muzzle was centimetres away from his, grinning at a vulpine standing in one of those awkward positions found in bad romantic fanfictions written by a Swiss nerd who should reconsider his life choices.
Yet, to have this self-satisfied skirt chaser so close to him, to have his oddly pleasant scent wafting to his snout, unnerved Fox, and not in the expected way. He felt blood rushing to his cheek and… to another region, also.
"Your mouth might spit venom, McCloud, but through your body transpired what you really feel."
Fox yanked on his arms, to no avail. "T-This hogwash will get you nowhere, so you might as well c-c-cut it!"
"Nervous, aren't we." Panther leaned close enough for his whiskers to graze against Fox's. Even within bite reach, he trusted the vulpine wouldn't attempt such a vile attack. Eyes in eyes, lying was difficult. However, time hadn't come for the final move.
"Fine." Panther released Fox and took a few steps back. "It seems time has come for… extreme measures."
Fox inhaled, but stayed silent, too afraid—or curious, he knew not which it was. He observed Panther slipping a paw inside his jacket, expecting a weapon, a torture tool, or anything threatening.
Instead, Panther merely brought the zipper down, his jacket parting to reveal the white tank top beneath.
"Panther, what the hell are you doing?"
"Giving you a taste of what you're missing out on." He tossed his jacket aside, exhibing his imposing muscles finely outlined by his tank top. For a split second, Fox's eyes lingered on the sizeable pecs and finely chiselled abs, before he snapped himself out of it. Panther's eyes lit up. "I saw this, Fox!"
"You saw n-nothing!"
"Really? Then I hope you won't mind…" He clasped the bottom of the tank top, and with a swift motion of his paws, doffed it away, revealing his bare musculature any man would dream of adorning.
"Okay just put those back please."
"Why?" Panther asked in a playful tone whilst running a paw on his torso "I am the definition of 'magnificent'! My body is one to turn a straight man gay!"
"That's… not how it works."
"And you haven't seen everything yet."
"No."
Panther undid his belt.
"No."
Panther slipped the belt out of his pants and dropped it onto the floor.
"No, no, no."
In a rare elegance, Panther hopped out of his trousers, now only dressed in a tight brief that showed way too many details. He flexed his muscles by bending his right arm and grinned at Fox. "Behold! Behold this state-of-the-art prodigy of Mother Nature, like she so rarely offers!"
"I must be in hell."
"Never get cover from a vixen… When you can run to a panther!"
"What a terrible day to have eyes…"
"Grawl!"
"Or ears…"
"You shan't remain unconvinced, Fox. I might not wear sleeves, but I still have plenty of tricks up these!" He rested a paw against his hip and extended a single claw between the black fur and the fabric.
Spasms of sheer panic shook Fox's body. "NO! No stop, alright, you won! Please stop whatever you're doing, I'll listen, I promise!"
"But I have yet to charm you, darling!"
"You did! You absolutely did! I'm completely under your charm! Just… state your proposition and let's be done with it."
Panther retracted his claw back and adorned a face of victory. "Perfect! It is fairly simple. I'll grant you a way out and an access to a small ship sufficiently refuelled for you to be reunited with your dear home."
The promise relieved Fox. "And in exchange?"
"Given your conspicuous feelings towards me—which, truly, is merely the result of a healthy mind—my request shouldn't faze you." He approached Fox, swift tail waving in slow movements behind him
"Which is?"
The distance between them kept shrinking as a satisfied and grinning panther moved forwards in a slow but confident pace, their eyes not leaving one another.
"Panther?"
"I think you know."
Fox knew. He closed his eyes and primed himself for the impact, as though Panther's sharp claws would slice his throat—which wouldn't necessarily have been a worse scenario, Fox thought. Panther continued approaching in a suspenseful quietness. When breaths waved over Fox's muzzle, he held his, and searched for a way to command his brain not to record the following seconds.
Time stopped when two pairs of lips met, as if Fox's mind, unprepared and unarmed for this situation, gave up and let the body operate on its own. His rational inner voice now gone in vacation, no barrier prevented him from actually enjoying the contact, much softer than expected, as his paws unconsciously took hold of Panther's. Not once did he attempt to break the contact, before Panther eventually had to gently push him away.
"Damn, when you averred having fallen for my charm, you spoke truthfully!" Panther let go of Fox's paws and cupped his cheek, looking at him with tender eyes. "This panther certainly wasn't expecting such a success!"
Fox shook his head and blinked himself back to reality, unsure of what just happened and of what he felt. He removed Panther's paw from his face. "Er… Sure… Can I go now?"
"You promise to call me? Swear, and I'll let you go."
"Fuck shit testic—"
"Not that swear."
"Oh right. Yes, I do. Can I go now?"
Panther took a step back and gestured at the door. "By all means! Take your flight, be at liberty! Seize back what has been bereaved from you and return to your rightful place amongst the stars! Cleave the firmaments, slay the vile and the wicked on your path towards glory, Fox, but remember my gift. Remember the opportunity I'm giving you, for love is of those things you can't get through contracts, and if by any means you were…"
His voice trailed off as Fox had already exited the room and ran towards the hangar. The feline hadn't seemed not to have noticed Fox's departure. Soon enough, Fox found a series of training aircraft lining one side of a large hangar. He hopped onto one, didn't bother to perform the usual pre-take-off routine, and at once soared away from whatever place he was captured, leaving behind him the strangest feline of Lylat.
Strangest man, but still oddly charmi… No, that was preposterous. Of course he wouldn't keep his promise. Panther was a criminal, and thus unworthy of such an honour.
Unless…
No, nothing to think about. Even if Panther had shunned his current lifestyle, he was at the exact opposite of everything Fox would look for in a potential mate, he should be the last of Lylat on his list!
Unless…
Fox facepalmed his forehead. Don't be ridiculous, you aren't even into men anyway!
Unless…
The sun has just set on Papetoon, isolated stars peering from the evening sky in its departure. Fox, once more dressed as a civilian, paws in pocket and nervous foot treading the ground, waited for the most improbable date destiny could have granted him.
A paw tapped on his shoulder. He turned to see a familiar feline, this time dressed—thank heavens—in regular clothes, at the complete opposite of the picture he had of him so far.
Panther beamed wholeheartedly. "You kept your promise!"
"I did! Don't make me regret it!"
"I assure you, I won't!" Panther giggled before the two set themselves in motion, the feline following the vulpine who had chosen the date's location.
"I have a question," Fox said whilst walking.
"Yes, darling?"
"Weren't you into Krystal not so long ago?"
"I know a dead end when I see one."
"And… It doesn't bother you I'm a dude?"
Panther shrugged. "Well, nobody's perfect."
A/N: Have you spotted the Some Like it Hot reference? :)