More Tricks than Treats
It was October 31, 1932. Moe, Larry, and Shemp now work at a hospital connected to American Red Cross. Tonight was the night where they would probably see everything and endure some pranks. However, some of these "pranks" may not be pranks. They were just about ready to get off duty.
"Alright fellas, we have to be prepared for anything." Moe said.
"Why?" Shemp asked.
"Anything could walk through that door." Moe pointed at the door.
"Why would something walk through that door when it is Halloween and the dead are awake?" Shemp looked confused.
"Yeah, and we wanna go home and trick or treat." Larry chimed in.
"Oh, you don't wanna help patients, eh?" Moe slapped them.
"Ooh! Cut that out!" Shemp rubbed his face.
"Owwwwwwwwwwww! Moe, ya broke my neck!" Larry turned his head slightly to the left side.
"Oh no! I'm sorry, kid. I didn't mean it! I-I-" Moe believed he actually did break Larry's neck.
"Ha, ha! I fooled you!" Larry laughed, as he turned his head back to the correct position.
"Oh, so you did?!" Moe went to slap him, but instead laughed it off.
"Hey, you guys, I...don't feel...so well!" Shemp had his back turned to them.
"Whaddya mean, kid?" Moe looked extremely worried.
"Yeah, what's the matter?" Larry asked.
"See for yourselves." Shemp groaned and turned around, revealing a seemingly uncontrollable bloody nose.
Moe and Larry got wide eyed and screamed, while Shemp took a few more steps and fell down.
"Shemp!" Larry's hair went up.
"Oh no!" Moe was scared.
Shemp didn't move.
"Shemp? Shemp?" Moe tried to shake him awake.
Shemp still didn't move.
"It's n-no use, Moe." Larry started to cry.
"Poor Shempy!" Moe also started to cry.
"Oh, woe is Shemp!" Larry sniffled.
"Ha, ha, ha! I got you both good!" Shemp sat up and started laughing.
Larry and Moe look at each and nod, before they angrily pull Shemp to his feet.
"You both fell for it!" Shemp chortled and guffawed.
"What's the matter with you?!" Moe slapped him, again.
"Yeah, you scared us half to death!" Larry rapped him on the nose and poked him in the eyes.
"Ooh! I still got you good! Ha, ha!" Shemp laughed and slapped his knee.
"That does it! I oughta roast you like a Turkey!" Moe angrily pulled Shemp by his hair.
"Ohhh, Ohhhh, Ohhhh, Ohhhhhhhh, Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!" Shemp screamed.
"Grab a clipboard, Larry!" Moe demanded, as he pushed Shemp over a table hard enough to where his head nearly went into the nearby fish aquarium.
"Oh, Oh, Oh! What're you gonna do?! What's the idea?!" Shemp protested.
"We're gonna get you for that!" Moe started to move Shemp's head towards the aquairum, almost getting it inside.
Larry walked over with the clipboard, saw a bug on the seat of Shemp's pants, and swatted it.
"Ouch!" Shemp jumped up and rubbed his back seat, "Owwww! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh hoo hoo hoo!".
"What's the idea?" Moe gave Larry a weird look.
"He deserved it and plus, he had a bug back there." Larry pointed out, before he saw that the said bug was still on the seat of Shemp's pants, "Hold still, Shemp!".
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! No, wait!" Shemp was still rubbing his backside.
Just as Larry was about to swat Shemp with the clipboard, again, a red light came on.
"Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard." said the man on the intercom.
"Ah, we'll deal with you, later." Moe pushed Shemp aside, before walking up to the intercom and pressing a button.
Larry and Shemp walked up to it as well.
"Yes?" Moe asked.
"Dr. Howard, you have a patient in room 202. Dr. Fine, you have a patient in room 119. Dr. Howard, you stay put just in case a patient comes in." said the man on the intercom.
"OK!" Moe, Larry, and Shemp said in unison.
Moments Later
Moe and Larry come back, looking completely drained and exhausted.
"What's with you two?" Shemp asked, while chewing bubble gum.
"That man wouldn't hold still for his examination. I later found out the reason." Moe caught his breath.
"Which was?" Shemp asked.
"He had worms in his neck. Apparently, he had open mosquito bites and a bot fly laid eggs and yadda, yadda, yadda." Moe looked nauseaous.
"And you?" Shemp cringed, before turning to Larry.
"That lady was a screamer when it came to taking a few shards of glass out of her foot." Larry ran his hand over his face.
"All for a few pieces of glass?" Shemp looked puzzled.
"Well, a few pieces of glass, an ingrown toenail, and a slug in her ear." Larry started to get a little pale.
Moe and Shemp cringe and make disgusted noises.
"I hope this Halloween doesn't get any more weird or creepy crawly!" Larry shuddered.
"You said it." Shemp nodded.
"Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard." the intercom came on, again.
"Yes?" Larry walked up to it and pressed the button.
"Dr. Howard, you have a patient in room 200. Dr. Fine, you have a patient in room 206. Dr. Howard, you continue to stay put." the man said.
"OK." Moe and Larry said in unison.
"Wait a minute! Wait...a...minute! How come I don't have any cases or patients?" Shemp was annoyed.
"Because nobody has requested you, yet." Moe bluntly put it.
"Plus, they might be saving the special cases for you, Shemp." Larry told him.
"Sp-Special cases? You don't mean!" Shemp started to get scared.
"Get the fairy tales out of your head!" Moe slapped him, again.
"Ooh! Cut that out!" Shemp rubbed his face, again.
Moe and Larry go off to treat their patients.
Hours Later
Moe and Larry return, heaving and looking even more exhausted than before.
"Did you two run a marathon or what?" Shemp asked.
"I had to pop a horrible disgusting lump on a man's very hairy back!" Moe whined.
"That's disgusting!" Shemp cringed, again and looked as if he was about to throw up.
"Yeah and here's some left overs." Moe seemingly flung it at Shemp.
"Ohhhhhh! You wise guy, why I oughta!" Shemp, who had apparently gotten some in his eye, screamed and quickly rubbed it off, before giving Moe an annoyed look.
"OK, OK, I'll admit that, that was low, even for me." Moe surprisingly admitted some guilt.
"You bet it was, kid and now, I am going to teach you a valuable-" Shemp rolled up his sleeves.
"Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard." the intercom came on for the third time.
"Yes?" Moe and Shemp walked up to it and pressed the button, before asking in unison.
"Dr. Howard, you stay put. Dr. Fine, you stay put. Dr. Howard-" the man was cut off.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you stay put." Shemp brushed him off.
"No, you have a patient in room 300." the man quickly corrected him.
"Uh huh. Sure I do." Shemp sarcastically nodded and walked away.
"Shemp, what are you doing? You finally have a patient." Larry told him.
"Yeah, that's what you wanted, right?" Moe asked.
"Of course, but I am starting to think that you knuckleheads are pulling pranks on me and the hospital is in on it." Shemp was starting to get suspicious.
"Now, why would we do a dumb thing like that?" Moe folded his arms.
"Yeah, why would the hospital be in on it?!" Larry asked.
"Something about your "patients" seems fishy to me." Shemp made quotation marks with his fingers.
"Shemp, we're not making it up." Moe tried to reassure him.
"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure! You two have been pranking me all day and all night long and Larry spanked me with a clipboard for my prank and fibbed that there was a bug on the seat of my pants, while you were holding me over the aquarium, so I think your patients were just pranks. Therefore, I don't have a patient, because why would I suddenly have one now and you two wouldn't?! You both are up to something and like I said, the hospital is in on it." Shemp was very suspicious and started putting two and two together.
"Shemp, we wouldn't make it up and the hospital wouldn't. Honest." Larry held his hand up.
"Uh huh. Sure, sure, sure. A nurse won't come out and say, "Dr. Howard, you have a patient in room 300."!" Shemp folded his arms and smirked, before imitating a girl's voice and being surprisingly, on spot.
Pretty soon, as if on cue, a brunette nurse came out with a clipboard.
"See, if I am wrong." Shemp had his back turned.
"Dr. Howard, you have a patient in room 300." the nurse said.
"I'll be right there." Shemp got wide eyed and turned around.
The nurse nodded and walked off.
"Just a pure coincidence. Probably going to be someone in a scary costume playing a prank on me. You two have it all planned to get me back for my prank earlier." Shemp turned back to Moe and Larry.
"Shemp, believe us, we're not making it up." Moe once again tried to reassure his brother.
"Yeah, yeah. Let me check with the nurse to see what is wrong with my "patient"." Shemp made quotation marks with his fingers, again, before turning to the nurse," Oh, Nurse.".
"Yes?" the nurse walked back in.
"This patient, what's the matter with him?" Shemp asked, while still not believing any of it.
"He has a baseball stuck in his mouth." the nurse told him.
Shemp got wide eyed, again.
"Yeah, that's the look I got." the nurse nodded, before walking off.
"I don't believe this! A baseball?! Stuck in his mouth?!" Shemp turned to Moe and Larry.
"That's what the nurse said." Larry replied.
"Yeah and if I were you, I'd get going." Moe nodded.
"Look, any moment now, some poor soul is going to come in with a serious injury and what am I doing? Treating some wise guy who decided to have a ball!" Shemp shook his head in disbelief.
"Get goin'!" Moe slapped him.
"Alright, alright!" Shemp headed off to the room, but quickly turned back, "I can't put it past you two! You both are up to something!".
"We're not." Larry tried to sound convincing and truthful, but instead, sounded like a whiny child.
In the elevator
"They're up to something and the hospital is in on it." Shemp said to himself, before he finally arrived to the third floor and looked at his clipboard, "Room 300. That is..".
He looked around for a little bit until he saw the door in front of him and realized it was the said room.
"Oh, right in front of me." Shemp knocked on the door.
Inside Room 300
The patient, who looked quite young and had dark hair, obviously had the said ball in his mouth and let out a groan.
"Hello, kiddo. I'm Dr. Howard and you are?" Shemp walked in and shut the door.
The patient made muffled noises.
"Hmmm...is that with one 'M' or two?" Shemp obviously couldn't understand what the patient said.
The patient made the same muffled noises, again.
"I'll assume that is three. Well.." Shemp looked at the clipboard and saw the patient's name, "Is your name Joseph?".
The patient nodded.
"Do ya go by Joe?" Shemp asked, as he set the clipboard down.
The patient nodded, again.
"Well, Joe, what seems to be the trouble?" Shemp was curious.
Joe let out more muffled moans and groans.
"Now, my dear boy, don't be shy. I'm not going to hurt you. I am your friend. I want to help you." Shemp put his stethoscope on and patted Joe on the back, before running the bottom of the stethoscope on Joe's back, listening for anything.
Joe made more muffled noises, while trying to speak, before he started heaving.
"Kid, you seem to be a little congested and your breathing has become extremely heavy." Shemp was still listening to Joe's lungs.
Joe continued to make muffled noises.
"Do ya have a frog in your throat or something?" Shemp asked, sounding a bit snarky.
Joe, who was still making the muffled noises while trying to speak, shook his head and pointed to the part of the baseball that was sticking out of his mouth.
"Kid, could you cough for the doctor, please?" Shemp asked.
"Mmmmm, mmmmm!" Joe, still muffled, shook his head, again.
"Oh, my poor boy, how can I find out what's wrong with you, if you will not cooperate?" Shemp took his stethoscope off.
Joe, muffled while trying to convey that he had a ball in his mouth, motioned for Shemp to look at his mouth.
"Oh, I see. You want me to take your temperature. Well, if that'll get you to open your mouth, then I'll come around here and look." Shemp nodded, before grabbing the thermometer and walking around to look.
Joe sighed and started heaving a little bit more than before.
"Hee-Beeee-Beee-Beeee! EGAD! Kid, do you realize that you have something in your mouth?" Shemp got wide eyed when he saw the ball protruding out of Joe's mouth.
Joe incessantly nodded his head.
"What in the world could that be?" Shemp scratched his head.
Joe imitated a baseball player.
"Oh, well, looky what we have here, it has stitches on it. It's a baseball." Shemp took a good look at the baseball.
Joe somewhat smiled, before tapping his nose, as if telling Shemp that he was right. Then he patted Shemp on the arm and imitated the baseball player, again.
"Oh, that's no sweat, kiddo. There just happens to be an alternative. I'll just take your temperature the other way." Shemp pushed Joe down onto the table.
Joe clearly not wanting it, sat back up, and made more muffled sounds, as if he was trying to protest.
"Well, don't get mad at me or give me any guff, kid. You're the one who lodged that ball into your mouth and if you didn't have that silly ball in your mouth, I'd be able to take your temperature by sticking the thermometer in your mouth." Shemp sounded like the average typical parent chastising their child.
Joe still continued to make muffled noises.
"You something? I have a crazy idea. However, it'll work. Do you want to know what it is?" Shemp briefly put his finger on his bottom lip.
Joe made muffled pleas, as he became even more desperate than before.
"What if I were to somehow remove the ball from your mouth?" Shemp suggested.
Joe held onto him like a lifeline and gave a somewhat smile.
"Now, just how would I go about doing it?" Shemp got into a thinking pose for a brief moment.
Joe shrugged.
"I know how I'll do it. I'll break your jaw." Shemp snapped his finger, as if a light bulb had just turned on in his head.
Joe let out a muffled scream, as he stood up, staggered across the room, backed into a corner, and got into a begging position.
"Come on, wise guy, are you a man or a mouse?!" Shemp folded his arms and gave him a very firm look.
Joe made another muffled noise.
"I could use anesthesia and/or a muscle relaxant. That oughta do the trick." Shemp's voice had a more gentle tone to it.
Joe got into the begging and pleading position, again.
"But that's the whimp's way out!" Shemp's gentle tone changed back to the firm one.
Joe nodded his head, before getting a quizzical look on his face, and letting out more muffled protests.
"Listen here, wise guy, you got yourself into this and now, you are going to get yourself out of this with my help and under my terms! The next time we see each other, I am going to perform a major surgery whether you need and like it or not." Shemp sounded even more firm than before.
Joe looked at the floor, then back at Shemp.
"Now, didn't your mommy and daddy teach you to not put certain things in your mouth?! Huh?!" Shemp, sounding more like a parent than he did before, waved his finger at Joe.
Joe nodded.
"Now, we can agree that you did a dumb moronic little thing, right?" Shemp put his hands on his hips.
Joe reluctantly nodded, again.
"We also agree that you are lucky that I am not your father, because if I was your father, I'd put you across my knee and tan your backside in order to teach you a valuable lesson after this one. Would I be right in doing so for putting yourself in near grave danger? After all, you could've suffocated with that ball in your mouth." Shemp slapped his knee.
Joe nodded, again.
"However, because of your situation, I'll take pity on you for the time being. Now, I'll have the nurse come in and get you all prepared, while I scrub up." Shemp's gentle tone returned.
Joe gave a thumbs up, as Shemp walked off to scrub up, before surgery, while the nurse prepped Joe for the surgery.
Many many moments later
While Joe was wheeled to recovery, Shemp met up with Moe and Larry. Boy, did he have a story to tell!
"Well?" Larry stood up from his chair and walked over to Shemp.
"You two spoke the truth. The guy had a baseball lodged in his mouth." Shemp looked exhausted and worn out.
"He-He did? How did you get it out?" Moe's eyes got wide.
"Surgery. He's in recovery now. I'll visit him in the morning." Shemp yawned and headed for the front door.
"Okay." Moe nodded and followed him.
"See? We told you we weren't making it up." Larry followed them.
The next day
Moe, Shemp, and Larry came in and enjoyed the fact that it was November, which meant no more Halloween pranks for a year. Shemp immediately went off to see how his patient, Joe, was doing. Once he was informed of what room he was in and approached the door to the room, he knocked.
"Oh, Dr. Howard must be here." said the same nurse from last night, before she opened the door, "Hi, Dr. Howard.".
"How's my patient?" Shemp wanted to know how Joe was doing, as he had started to grow fond of Joe and think of him as a younger brother or even a son.
"See for yourself." the nurse said, before walking off.
"Hiya, Joe. How are you?" Shemp shut the door.
"I'm g-good, doc. Just in a lot of pain and exhausted." Joe groaned.
"Well, you've gained your speech back. That's good." Shemp stood at his bed side.
"Ohhh, I'll never play baseball, again! Ever!" Joe moaned.
"I bet you'll never take any dares, now will you?" Shemp asked.
"No, sir. Uh uh!" Joe shook his head.
"I bet you've learned a valuable lesson." Shemp added.
"Oh, yes I learned alright! Oh ho, I learned!" Joe wholeheartedly agreed.
"Good boy." Shemp lightly patted him on the shoulder, pride somewhat showing on his face.
"I have something for you." Joe reached over to his night table and opened the drawer.
"You do? What is it?" Shemp sounded like an eager child on Christmas Day.
"It's a souvenir." Joe grabbed it.
"Oh, kid you don't have to give me anything." Shemp told him.
"Here. I want you to have it." Joe handed him the exact baseball that he had gotten unstuck from his mouth.
"You want me to have the same baseball I had to extract from your mouth, because of your poor foolish choices?" Shemp raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, please take it. I don't want any part of it." Joe insisted.
"Now, I can't accept gifts, but you're a good kid, so, I thank you." Shemp smiled.
"No, no, no, thank you." Joe replied.
"You're very welcome, kid." Shemp started to have a smile forming on the corner of his mouth.
"About what you said last night when you said that I was lucky that you weren't my father, because if you were, I'd go over your knee, uh, you're not going to really do that, are you?" Joe sounded a bit nervous.
"No, no. I just said that out of pure frustration due to your poor choice in putting that baseball way deep into your mouth. However, if you as so much make a poor choice of any kind, again, I will go through with my threat. Understand? That is a definite promise." Shemp firmly, but gently warned him.
"Oh, I understand. I understand and I promise I won't do any more foolish things." Joe completely understood.
"That's good. That's just what I wanted to hear." Shemp gave a thumbs up.
"Thanks, doc." Joe smiled.
"You're welcome and for the record, you can call me Shemp." Shemp told him.
"OK, if you don't mind, Shemp." Joe replied.
"Not at all. Well, I'm going to let you get some rest and I'll check on you later." Shemp patted him on the shoulder and stood up.
Joe nodded and tried to go back to sleep, while Shemp walked out of the room and met up with Moe and Larry
"What's with you?" Larry noticed that Shemp had a big smile on his face.
"Yeah, you're smiling an awful lot." Moe also noticed.
"That kid I took care of last night is such a good kid. I think my message got through to him." Shemp shut the door to Joe's room.
"What? Not to lodge a baseball into his mouth ever again?" Moe got a puzzled look on his face, clearly not expecting Shemp to teach anyone a valuable lesson.
"Exactamundo." Shemp gave another thumbs up, followed by a wink.
"Do you still think we made it up?" Larry asked.
"Nope." Shemp shook his head.
Two weeks later
After Joe improved very quickly, Shemp authorized for him to be released from the hospital. In all honesty, the two were sad that they had to part ways, because they had developed close tight knit father-son like bond with each other, but as always, duty called and their patient-doctor relationship had to be strictly professional. However, that wouldn't stop Shemp from thinking of Joe as a son.
"What's wrong, Shemp?" Moe noticed that Shemp had a somewhat happy, somewhat sad expression on his face.
"Yeah, you look a little sad." Larry also noticed.
"Oh, it's nothing. I'm just going to miss that kid. That's all, fellas." Shemp looked as if he might cry, despite trying to hold it together.
"Ah, he may be back." Larry brushed it off.
"Yeah, he'll be back to see his papa Shemp, but in the mean time, duty calls and we cannot get close to our patients." Moe surprisingly sounded more comforting than Larry did and yet, he never usually was the comforting one.
"That's true. Well, back to work." Shemp nodded, then snapped out of it.
Suddenly, a stuttering brunette walked in with her hair caught in an electric fan, a teenage boy came in with his hand stuck in a vase, and a man came in with his foot caught in a Bear trap and his hand caught in a Rat trap.
"Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard! Dr. Howard, you have the teenage boy with the vase, Larry, you have the man with the bear and rat traps, and Shemp, you have the stuttering broad with her hair caught in an electric fan." the intercom buzzed.
"What's the idea?! You're up to something!" Moe, Larry, and Shemp saw their patients and instantly put the blame of more pranks on each other.
*Cue The Three Blind Mice Theme*
~Fin~