Alt title: Soiree! Scandalous! Sasuke! Stupefied! Snack! Schlong?

A/N: Updated to contain 100% less ntr

Tayuya rechecks her reflection in the passenger vanity mirror for the fourth time in the past five minutes, this time finding something else wrong with her hair. She tries to straighten out these new mysteriously appearing and irritating strands before snarling and flicking the mirror back up in frustration. It was good timing, too, as Naruto had just stepped out of the bakery, birthday cake box in tow. Tayuya rolls down the passenger window and takes it. She rearranges the box on her lap and wraps her arms around it for extra stability as Naruto goes around, piles into the driver's seat, and drives the busted up, orange truck off.

Today was Tayuya's second chance to try and impress Naruto's family, and she was full of shit when she told Naruto she wasn't worried. Maybe months ago, she would be able to play it cool, but after almost giving her boyfriend's dad a concussion, you could forgive her for being a little nervous about what his relatives thought.

Her fingers drum on the box anxiously. If nothing else, she was just seeing Naruto's cousins and not the drunken fossil again. They were closer to her in age, so there was bound to be something they could talk about. It was a small party too. All included, it would be just the four of them, which Tayuya was grateful for, she didn't know if she could handle any higher dosages of Naruto's family.

"Soooo, is there anything I should know about Karin that you've been holding out on me until we were already on the way there? Cuz I'd really appreciate it you'd spring on me at the last second here instead of the very last second there."

Naruto shrugs, still keeping his eyes on the road. "Eh, not really. Karin can be a bit… much? I guess? Don't worry about it."

"That's some great insight darling, so please forgive me when I ask for more." She makes a poor attempt at batting her eyelashes before scowling. "Tell me what the fuck that means!"

"I mean, she has a real one-track mind on things she likes, and literally everything else. Honestly, we could probably drop the cake off at the front door, leave with Nagato, and I don't think she'd even notice."

Tayuya mulls that over. "Sounds like a real bitch. I guess the rotten apples don't fall far from the maggoty orchard. Hey, is that why didn't we get her a gift?"

"Nah, we did. Her cake's the gift."

"Cake's expected. It's not a gift."

"It is with this cake."

"What so special about it?" She starts to scratch at the folds of the box, she did it as a joke, but Naruto didn't seem to mind, though there was a funny look in his eyes.

"It's fine. Go ahead and take a peek. Just uh- promise you won't throw it out the window, will ya?"

Tayuya quirks an eyebrow, confused at how easily Naruto acquiesced and at his expression. But her curiosity and bullheadedness won out, and she cracks the box open to get an eyeful of it. Unaware that the it was… well…

It took all the willpower Tayuya had and would have for the foreseeable future to slowly and gently close the lid. She turns the box around, so it opened away from her. She sits there for a moment before being able to speak again.

"Why the fuck is Sasuke's dick in here?."

Naruto can't hold it in any longer. "GAH! AHAHA-AHAHAHAHA!"

"You explain yourself right now, or else Sasuke isn't the only one about to get a knife and fork to his junk today!"

Naruto eases the truck to a stop at a red light. He turns to Tayuya with his best attempt at a sleazy grin.

"Geez, babe, calm down. I know you're crazy about me, but there's got be a better way for you to say need a taste of m-ACCCK!"

Tayuya whacks him hard with a sharp thump to the ribs.

"Light's green dipshit." She says over her boyfriend's pained groans.

Naruto pulls forward but does take one arm off the wheel to soothe his aching ribs.

"Okay, okay! I get it that was too far, but I thought it'd be better to let you know about the cake here than there. Eh, eh?"

"This was so not what I meant." Her eyes go back to the box before flicking about to look at literally anything else. "God, there is so much wrong with this. Just… why an erotic cake? And-And what was wrong with normal pubes? Did you have to give it his haircut too?"

Naruto starts to giggle again.

"Don't you dare laugh!"

"Listen, I know, okay. It's not even the worst part."

"The… worst part?"

"Yeah, I asked them to make the hair-frosting chocolate flavored, but they told me they only had vanilla for that kind of dark blue. I like vanilla just fine, but that amount is seriously pushing it."

Tayuya jerkily cranks her neck slowly to bore holes into her boyfriend's plain expression. He was so unfazed, like what he said was completely normal. She turns back to her window and checks the passenger mirror. Satisfied there was no one to their right. She throws the car door open and hurls the penis pastry onto the asphalt.

Well tried to at least, Naruto quickly locks the side door. Tayuya rebuts by manually unlocking it, which Naruto locks again. She hurriedly rolls down the window and leans out.

He pleads with her to come back. "Babe, please! Do you know how much that cake cost?!"

With a huge sigh, Tayuya returns back inside, cake box intact. She rubs one hand over her face.

"What the hell did you even tell the baker?"

"Well, I was going to say it was for a joke, but the cashier didn't even ask. Weird."

"I'm pretty sure they're tired of hearing that excuse. Hey, you know how people smash birthday cake into people's faces?"

"Yeah, I was gonna do that to Karin."

"Yeah, I'm gonna do that to you when- Wait! What?! Why are you trying to shove a faceful of Sasuke onto your cousin's face?!"

"…Well, I'm not gonna do it now! Now you just made it weird!"

"No, this whole thing is fucking weird!" She stops herself to take a deep breath, close her eyes, and rub the bridge of her nose to calm herself. "Naruto. I just… need you to know if it wasn't for a birthday party and we weren't on the road. I would absolutely be shoving this cake through your face and driving it down your throat."

"Eh, wouldn't be the first time I got a faceful of Sasuke."

…

Tayuya turns to Naruto, her face a mix of unparalleled giddiness and suppressed snickers. "I'm sorry, what?"

Naruto says nothing, his pupils expand, and his whole body turns rigid, frozen in place, but thankfully still driving on the straightaway. Tayuya smile drops, and she snaps her fingers repeatedly in front of his face.

"Hey, hey! Naruto! Earth to Naruto! Hello?!"

His face starts to regain color as his eyes blink back to life.

"Huh, what? Tayuya? What-What happened?"

"You tell me? You just tripped out after-"

"Did I? I-I don't know. My brain just… stopped.' Naruto looks down at his whitened and sore knuckles clinging onto the steering wheel. "Tayuya, babe, how long have I been driving?"

"That's it, pull over."

Twenty minutes and several conflicting directions from a dazed Naruto later, they arrived at Karin's apartment complex. When they stepped out, Karin started prodding and quizzing Naruto to test if he was still in touch with reality. She reeled off personal questions left and right, all the while embarrassed how intimately she already knew the answers.

Tayuya didn't know what was worse, having to be nice to Naruto out in the open where anyone could see her, or having to suck in her comment about Naruto having to hold and care for the cake.

There was an upside at least, Tayuya was primed and ready to take Naruto's photo when it was time to take it out and blow out the candles.

They had made it across the parking lot and were inside the building. The elevator was down for maintenance, so the two had to trudge up all seven flights. The two were so tired, mostly mentally, that they kept swapping the box between them to share the load. They were at the end now, and it was Tayuya's turn, not that she didn't bitch and moan about it the whole way up.

"*pant* Did Karin *pant* really have to pick the seventh floor? What? Was the roof's rent too expensive? Is the view *pant* of a fucking forest just that worth it?"

"Nah, I think *pant* she thinks seven is Sasuke's favorite number or something,"

"Does crazy just fucking run in this family?"

"Well *pant* that and good looks."

Tayuya stops as they reach their floor. "Did you just call your cousin hot?"

So does Naruto. "Damn it, Tayuya! Why'd you have to make it weird!"

"No! You made it weird!"

"No, It wasn't! It wasn't weird til you made it weird!"

"*Sigh* What the hell, I asked for a magician, and they sent me clowns?"

Naruto and Tayuya both turn to the new voice. Sitting outside Karin's apartment door and on a folding chair was a very drowsy looking man outside the door.

"Oh, hey Nagato!"

Any of Tayuya's civility had shriveled up inside. She was not in the mood.

"Oh, so that's why we didn't bring gifts. Your cousin went and ahead and packed them into those huge fucking bags under his eyes."

Nagato rolls his eyes. "It's a pleasure to meet you too." He sighs again and shakes his head. "Just what we needed, another loudmouthed punk."

"Hey, I'm not that bad. Look, check out this awesome cake I got you. Bet you can't guess the flavor."

She flicks the fold open, but Nagato puts a hand on the lid to stop It from opening.

"I'm well aware of what flavor it is."

"Wait, what flavor is it? Tell me? What'd you get? Red Velvet? Chocolate?"

"Give me a sec. You'll find out soon enough. Let's go in already."

Nagato gets off the chair. "Wait, don't-"

There were a couple of things Tayuya was expecting from Karin's place. Maybe it would be just as messy as Naruto's. Maybe poor housekeeping skipped a generation, and it was really tidy. Maybe Naruto had undersold how possessive Karin was, and the walls would be plastered with pictures of Sasuke and scrawled psycho handwriting.

If you asked her after today, she wouldn't be able to tell you what it looked like. It was hard to focus on the furniture or upholstery when there was a lingeried stripper in the room.

The glasses wearing redhead had her eyes closed, and she was mumbling steps to herself as she practiced her routine. The only 'furniture' Tayuya could actually notice was the fully installed stripper pole that said hooker was working on.

Tayuya was beyond stunned, and in her state, could only drop the cock in shock, flattening it; the poor thing never had a chance.

Nagato, with his eyes shut, pulls her back and closes the door.

"If you would've stopped to listen, you would have heard me warn you not to go in there."

"…I thought Naruto calling his cousin smoking hot was the most fucked up thing I'd have to deal with today, but no, no. I think hiring a stripper for your cousin is even more fucked."

"That's not what I said!" Naruto pipes up, though he's still keeping both hands over his eyes.

"If that's not what you said, then why are you getting so defensive?!"

Nagato coughs. "There is no stripper."

"What are you talking about? Then who the hell was- no, THAT was Karin?!"

"Yes, the only reason why Naruto isn't the family shame, that was her."

"Hey, I thought Sasuke wasn't coming over?"

"Why does this have to keep going back to Sasuke?"

Nagato sits back down. "Sasuke said he'd be out of town, and Karin got upset. Essentially, we were her plan B pity party. But then Sasuke rang and said he'd be right over, and well, that happened. I would have gone home, but I wanted to give you two the heads up. Now, can we head out to eat?"

"Totally!" Naruto puts his hands back down into fists and puts them under his chin, starry-eyed. "Where we going? BBQ? Oh wait, can we go to a buffet? Now that Tayuya-" He side-eyes her. "-ruined the cake."

Tayuya can't even laugh or bring up how that cake had come out of Naruto's pocket.

"She-She has a stripper pole installed in her place and still invites family over?"

Nagato takes out a cigarette from within his coat pocket and lights it.

"When you put it like that, you make her sound like some kind of deviant. The pole's collapsible." He lets out a cancerous puff. "Are we going or not?"

"You people are fucking insane."

In her bewilderment, she finally notices and takes stock of Nagato, a man she wasn't afraid to admit was attractive if not her type. He was a fair bit older than Naruto too, probably had to babysit him a couple of times in the past.

Her mind puts two and two and Sai's observations together and comes up with four.

"Oh god, was Sai right? Do I owe him money now? Does the I in you assclowns' name stand for fucking inbred?!"

Naruto waves his arms vehemently. "Whatever Sai said, that was wrong and a lie!"

"I think it's time for the Uzumakis to get wiped off the face of the earth." She steps back to Naruto's side and tugs at his sleeve, not taking her eyes away from Nagato or the door.

"Naruto, honey, when we get married, you're taking my name."

Tayuya's face freezes, her pupils expand, and her arm won't stop tugging at Naruto.

"What was that, babe?" Naruto leers.

"What was… What was what?" She hurriedly pulls her hand back and crosses her arms. Tayuya turns away, incapable of looking at Naruto's face now. "I didn't say anything."

'Oh god no. Oh fuck no. Not here, anywhere but here.'

"Cause what it sounded like-"

"W-What I said was-was when you die choking to death on ramen or some other stupid shit, I'll do you a favor and excluuude your name on the-the tombstone! That's what I said! Okay?!"

"Awww, Tayuya!" He wraps his hands around her and rests his chin on her shoulder.

"Clean out your ears right now! L-Let go of me before I throw you out the nearest window! I mean it!" She tries to shove him off her, but there is no bite to the force she's putting in.

Tayuya prayed hard for anything-ANYTHING to change the subject and get her out of this. And of all the things you could call Sasuke, he certainly did classify under anything.

Well, it would be a lie to say it was just Sasuke. The giant stuffed bear he was holding had about enough brains to fit in with this crew. All three- TWO! TWO Uzumakis and an unwilling bystander stare at the man of honor as he comes up the stairs, leaving Tayuya the out to slip of Naruto's embrace. It seems Tayuya's thorny front wasn't the only one in jeopardy today. Even a certain redheaded toy fanatic found himself shivering after a quick sneeze and suddenly concerned about meeting Sakura tomorrow.

Sasuke's forced to break the silence.

"…Karin said it would be just the two of us.

Nagato gets up with a sigh. "No, she told you there was nobody home." He moves his arms to gesture to Naruto and Tayuya. "And we're the nobodies. Come on, let's go."

Thankful for the god, the devil, and everything in between for saving her, Tayuya frantically changes the subject as they all head down the stairs.

"So-So Nagato, what do you do for about living?"

"I'm in a band. You?"

"Um... Naruto mostly."

"Babe! Come on!"

The conversation fades out as Sasuke turns back to the door. His nose twitches as he's able to catch a slight whiff of Karin's special perfume. The one she uses for special occasions, i.e., him.

He smirks and opens the door.

Despite all outward appearances and reality itself, it was Sasuke's birthday that had come today.