DEAD INSIDE

"I tried it once before, but I didn't get too far

I felt a lot of pain, but it didn't stop my heart

And all I really wanted was someone to give a little fuck

But I waited there forever and nobody even looked up"

Ghost by Badflowers

Title: Dead Inside

Author: Addiction2Greatness

Rated: M

Tw: this story talks about suicide, blood, depression, talks about self harm

Summary: Derek turns to self harm when everything in his life starts to fall apart and he loses something that he really cared about.

Author note: this is a prompt suggestion by KEENER-QUEEN

Chapter 1

Ghost

Derek was having a really great dream before he was woken up by the sound of his alarm. Derek rolled over in bed and saw that it was 6:00 am, "six o clock is too early to get out of bed for school" Derek thought to himself. Derek smacked the alarm and rolled back over, he leaned to the other side of the bed for another pillow and he put it behind his head. "That's better" he said to himself. Derek eased back into sleep, his body rested comfortably against his soft bed and warm sheets. Derek's body began to feel light and he could feel his body sinking further into a peaceful sleep.

In Casey's room, when she heard the alarm go off she reluctantly got out of bed and headed for the shower. The warm water felt nice against her skin and it helped to wake her up. If she was being honest with herself though, she would rather be in bed getting a few more hours of sleep. She had been up all night studying for a test that was coming up in a few weeks but after page 237 she had drifted off to sleep. Even though the thought of getting more sleep sounded tempting, she knew better.

she Knew that she had to start her day off right and that involved waking up early, showering and getting ready and having a great breakfast. So after she showered and brushed her teeth. When she opened the door with a smile on her face and Derek was standing right there.

"What are you so happy about?" Derek said lazily with his eyes barely open.

Before Casey answered she rolled her eyes because she knew that this was going to turn into another fight about how she's a keener because she was excited about going to school. Then she would argue that there was nothing wrong about being excited for school and then he would say something about her being unpopular. Casey saved herself the drama and just brushed passed up and he walked into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Casey smiled happily because she didn't allow Derek to lure her into a fight and she went downstairs for Breakfast. Like usual, she was the first one to beat everyone downstairs. Next was her mom as she yawned when she entered the kitchen.

"Good morning, sweetie. Did you have a good nights rest" Nora says as she reaches for the coffee bag to pour into the coffee machine.

" yes"! I had a great nights rest, thanks for asking" she lied to her mother because she didn't want her scolding her for staying up too late to study. Casey knew that if Derek knew that, it would just be another thing that he would make fun of her for.

"That's good, you need a good nights rest if you going to start the day off right. On top of that, a good nights rest is healthy for the body and the mind" Nora says trying to bait Casey into telling her the truth. Nora knew Casey was lying because when she went to the bathroom she saw her light on. After she used the bathroom, she checked Casey room and saw she was knocked out at 3 am. When George went to the bathroom at 10 pm, he said Casey was still up.

So, she already knew that Casey had been up all night studying. She was just waiting for her to admit it. It usually didn't take a lot to get Casey to break.

"I lied! I was up all night studying " Casey said unable to lie to her mother for even a second. Casey stared at her mother in the eyes and pouts "I'm guilty, I'm sorry she says sadly.

" I know." Nora says with a reassuring look on her face. Trying to figure out how she's going to tell her daughter not to worry so much. Telling casey not to worry was like telling the sun not to rise, it was impossible!

" what do you mean you know?" Casey says with a confused look on her face.

" sweetheart, its not good for you to be worrying so much and staying up so late" Nora says concerned as she strokes her hair and face and smiles.

George walks into the kitchen and kisses Nora on the lips, Nora hands him a coffee and milk. " thanks, gorgeous. George says as he stares at her and smiles. Casey grabs a bowl, cereal and soy milk and then sits at the kitchen table. Derek barges in the door of the kitchen and plops down on the kitchen sit. Next in the kitchen are Lizzie, Edwin and Marti. As they enter George and Nora say good morning to everyone.

Edwin grabbed two bowls and poured cereal and mil in both and then her poured two glasses of juice. He brought over the bowl and the glass to Derek, Derek stared at him sternly " aren't you forgetting something?" Derek ask wondering if he forgot or if he was getting that next. " of course not!" Edwin says nervously as he scrambles to get the spoon for Derek. Edwin gets his bowl next and Lisa is gets her bowl as well. George serves a bowl of cereal for Marti and they all eat at the table together.

When they are done, they pile in separate cars. George, Nora and the younger kids leave in the van and casey and Derek leave in the Prince. Once they arrive at school, Casey and Derek go their separate ways.

" practice is going to be brutal this week" Sam says to Derek, the thought of all the drills has Sam dreading going to practice later.

" well, were going to need all the practice were going to get if were going to squash the other team Derek says like it was obvious.

" I know!" But coach always makes everyone do extra drills if they fall behind even a little Sam says whining.

Derek didn't understand why Sam whined every time it was time to practice. Derek loved practice because he loved hockey. He never felt more alive then he did on the ice. As soon as his skates hit the ice, he felt this sudden rush of freedom when the cold air hit his skin. The sound of his skates hitting the ice gave him an Adeline rush that he didn't know he had. "You always complain about hockey practice, its not a big deal. " Derek says annoyed " I mean you love hockey don't you? He ask.

" of course I do!" Sam says surprised that he even has to tell Derek that. ' well then you have to practice if you wanna get better and if you wanna win' Derek says as he slams his locker and walks to his next class. Derek gets through the rest of the school and then goes home. At home, he goes home and sits in front of the tv.

Casey walks down the stairs and sees Derek watching tv " I was about to watch something!" Casey says upset. Derek turns around with a smirk on his face " the key word there was were...but I got here first and I'm going to watch what I want" Derek says smugly and then he turns back around to watch hockey. Casey stares daggers at the back of Derek head " ugh! Of course hockey!" She says as she crosses her arms. " and let me guess, you wanted to watch some chick flick crap? Derek says smugly with his back turned towards her.

Casey's mouth drops open at Derek's comment and then she closes it again, she can't believe Derek's misogynistic comment. Although with Derek she really shouldn't be surprised anymore. " of all of the misogynistic things you have done and said- Derek cuts her off " so, you really should be surprised... But come on, was I wrong? Casey doesn't respond she just storms back upstairs and Derek just smiles.

Two weeks pass and students get there report cards back, Derek sinks in his sit and frowns. He already knows what his going to get, they pass back the report cards and Derek gets his. Derek opens it slowly and sees a flood of D's. Derek closed his eyes and groaned at the sight of all of the D's.

Casey opened her report card happily, already knowing what she was going to see. She opened her report card quickly because she couldn't wait to see the flood of A's. And when she opened it, that's exactly what she saw. She looked up and saw Derek looking at her annoyed, she gained widely and showed him her grades. Derek rolls his eyes and looked away.

Derek looked back down at his own grades sadly, trying to prepare himself for the lecture that his dad was going to give him. Not to mention the lecture from his coach and team mates, he didn't know how he let his grades slip...he didn't mean to let them down. Casey and Derek both drove home together, casey annoyed Derek with her constant talk of her good grades. Then she said the one thing that he was dreading " what did you get?"

" I got all C's' Derek said nervously trying to convince Casey of his lie. Casey swings her eyes and stares at him, she leans back in her sit so she can study him more. " your lying!" Casey says "what did you really get?" She ask. When the car comes to a stop light, he stares at her and then back at the road " I got all D's he whispers so low that Casey hear. "what?!" Casey says loudly " I couldn't hear you Casey finishes saying.

" I got all D's he whispers and Casey can't hear and ask him to repeat it again. " I couldn't hear that either"! She practically yells at him.

" I got all D's ok!" He yells without looking at her, he is frustrated but not at her, he is frustrated at himself for not maintaining his grades to at least a C. He knew what was coming next, she was going to make fun of him and lecture him about his grades. " what?! How did you let your grades drop so low and to a, George is going to kill you" Casey says. ' no his not because I'm not going to show him Derek says as he continues to drive home.

Casey just shakes her head at what Derek just said " hiding your grades from George isn't going to change anything, its better to show him now then him finding out on his own casey says confidently. Derek didn't agree with her logic, he would rather his dad found out later then sooner. When Derek and casey enter the door George and Nora are sitting at the door and they are not happy.

Casey looks at Nora and George and Nora signals casey to go upstairs and she runs off. "So, I got a call from the principal office and he said given your track record, that you would tell me that report cards were given today. So hand it over, now! George says angrily as he holds his hand out.

Derek slowly hands his dad the report card, Derek already knows what's coming and he wasn't ready for what his dad was about to say. George opens the report card and it makes him even more anger then he was before.

All D's Derek D's! I never expected much from you academically but I never expected D's! I am really disappointed in you. From now on, your not allowed to do anything but go to school and come home, I'm I making my self clear! George yells".

Derek eyes grow big and his about to freak out, "he can't mean no hockey...hockey is all I have and its all I am. If I don't have hockey then I don't know who i am" Derek thinks to himself. "You forgot about hockey" Derek says unsure. "no hockey until your grades are up!" George yells so loud that it scares Derek and Derek sits in his favorite chair. " but what about practice, our team has a big game coming up" Derek says as he raises his voice because his upset.

"If you can raise your grades up before the next report cards come out, You can play in the upcoming game" George says more calmly. " but I need that time to practice for the game" Derek says. Angrily. You have one month before they send out the next progress report to improve your grades, or else you can say goodbye to hockey and everything else! George says before storming up the stairs.

Casey heard the yelling from upstairs but it wasn't anything new to her, this was how George acted whenever Derek messed up. Whenever Derek got in trouble or got in trouble, George wouldn't hold back from scolding Derek but he held back his best for when Derek got bad grades. She would always see Derek Walk back to his room utterly defeated. There was something different in his tone this time, he sounded... So desperate that he was going to lose everything. Casey felt bad and wanted so desperately to help him but he would never ask her for help.

Derek knew that he would have to put up with a lot to get Casey to help him, but he was willing to do whatever it took, if it meant that he could play hockey again. So, he swallowed his pride and dragged himself to the front of Casey's door and knocked. " come in" Casey says. Derek walks in her room slowly, struggling to form the right words that would convince Casey to help him. What could he say that wouldn't make her laugh him out of the room? Derek thought of several persuasions but none seemed to be good enough.

Casey turns around in her chair " yes" she smiles. Casey stares at Deep already knowing what his going to say, Derek seeing that gleam in her eyes realizes that she knows why his there. Its written all over her face that she's going to torture him and she was going to drag this out as long as she could and enjoy every second of it. Too be honest, he would have done the same thing "ummmm... Derek starts to say nervously and casey just smiles and gets closer to him, anxiously waiting for him to say it.

" yes, Derek" Casey says with a huge smile on her face, practically at the edge of her seat. " I was wondering if you could" Derek stops himself before he proceeds. Casey pretends like she can't hear " I'm sorry but I can't hear you, can you please speak up Casey says.

"I need your help raising my grades before the next report card comes out" Derek says quickly. Of course Casey was going to help him, she decided that when she was in the car and after what happened downstairs she knew that he never her even more. She just wanted to mess with him a little bit, it was all in good fun. " like music to my hears, I need a moment to enjoy this" casey says with joy plastered all over her face. Derek rolls his eyes at her statement, he was getting impatient " well, can we get to it because we have a lot of ground to cover.

Casey would usually drag this out more to get under Derek skin, like he always did before and she hated to admit it but he was right "fine" Casey says annoyed. She taps the bed inviting him to sit down, he opens his bag and stares at his grades and Casey takes out a notebook and pencil. 'first I'll help you with your home work and then we'll come up with a plan to get you straight A's.

Derek is surprised by her words, all he wanted was to get all D's. It was never part of his plan to get As, what was she trying to play at? There was no way that he could get all A's. He knew it because he tried. Derek lack the focus to get good grades, his dad told him many times before. He told him time and time again that he expected little of him when it came grades. So why was casey so convinced. " you think you can get me straight A's in a month" Derek chuckles.

"if you want to continue playing hockey, you'll do whatever I say." Casey says confidently. " lets make a deal, for every A you get, I will give you twenty bucks." Derek was already in when she said Hockey but this helped drive it home. Derek knew she was right, he knew that he had to listen to everything she said if he wanted to play hockey again. "Fine, lets get started."

Casey just smiles and helps Derek with his homework then they worked together to come up with a plan to help him get straight A's.

Before they made the plan, Casey asked Derek which class did he find most difficult. " all of them" he chuckled playfully " . Casey crossed her arms and stared at him sternly. He didn't want to get on her bad side, so he decided it would be best if he just answered the question "math and science and physics are my worst subjects but I have a lot of trouble in other subjects as nods her head and proceeds with the plan. For a month, Casey spent all of her time helping Derek with his homework, studying and with his projects.

Derek spent half his time working with Casey and the other playing hockey, when casey saw this she decided to incorporate her studying methods with hockey. She even helped Derek train for hockey. After, the month had ended, Derek finally got his report card. When he opened it he saw all A's like casey, he had to double the name to make sure that he didn't get hers by accident. His dad couldn't believe it either, going as far to say that he changed his grades but after checking with the teachers, the knew that those grades were real. After finding out Derek grades were real, the family went out for pizza and ice cream, George even gave Derek a hundred bucks.

Derek was just happy that he could play hockey again, hockey was everything to Derek and for a long time, he was afraid that he might lose it and because of Casey he didn't have to. That meant he was in debt to Casey for life, he felt her eyes on him and he turned to look at her. Derek saw her smiling, she knew that she had power over him and he also knew that she wasn't planning on holding it over him. She will never know how much this meant to him.

Casey was just so happy to see him smile, after all he had done for the past...she wanted to be there for him.

THE NEXT DAY

The first thing that Derek does is go to Hockey practice, all of his friends are happy to see him, they celebrate his return and the coach shuts them down. Their is silence on the hockey rink as the coach approaches Derek. " nice to finally see you venturi" His coaches says.

"yes coach I was finally able to get my grades up and I was also practicing everyday." Seek says

" well, get on the ice and show me!" The coach says and Derek just smiles at him. The coach turns his attention to the rest of the team " that goes for all of you, venturi! Get your team in line! You know what to do! The coach shouts. Derek smiles and takes over. "Ok! Boys before we get start practice I want everyone to run those hockey drills, if your going to throw up don't throw up on the ice...Sam I'm talking to you" Derek says pointing at Sam and the rest of his teammates laugh. " that was one time and I had a stomach flu" Sam says defensively. " you do it every time Sammy and that's understandable but just don't get it on the ice" Derek says. " Then once were done were going to practice and were going to practice hard, is that clear! Derek shouts.

The team all rallies together and they do the drill and with out fall Sam throws up but this time he doesn't throw up on the ice. Derek just laughs and shakes his head. Sam comes back and they begin to practice. Hours later Derek is finally finished with hockey and he goes home.

THE NEXT DAY

Derek was so pumped for the game, even though he was freaking out and was stress throwing up, it did not mean that he want happy about today. He was so excited that Derek woke up at 5:30 A.m, he showered and was the first one in the kitchen. Derek got a bowl of cereal and some orange juice, he decided to trick casey and put a fake hand that he was hiding under the sink.

When she came down the stairs and she saw Derek, she didn't say anything she just smiled and poured herself a bowl of cereal and a hand fall out, she jumped and Derek laughed. Casey grabs the hand and throws it at Derek, he chuckles and casey rolls her eyes, she throws out the cereal that the hand was in and makes herself a new bowl. The family eats breakfast and when they finish, they all go to work and school. Derek gets through school and rushers home.

Derek phone rings and he sees its his mom calling and he answers it immediately "hello" he says excited to hear her voice.

" hey sweetie" Abby says sadly because she knows what she was going to say would break his heart. She hated letting him down and not being there as much as she wanted to and she knew that she had to let him down again.

Derek knew by the tone of her voice that she had bad news "hey" he said disappointed.

" I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to make it to your game?" She says sadly. Abby was beating herself up because she knew how important this was to him.

"that's ok" Derek got use to saying over the years to his mom.

" I'll promise I'll make it up to you" Abby says trying to reassure her son that she was going to make it up to him.

Derek is silent for a long time before he finally speaks up " I know." Derek says sadly trying b not to sound too disappointed by the news that she wasn't coming. After a while of his mom trying to reassure him and apologize, they hang up the phone.

Derek didn't have time to think about how his mom wasn't going to be at his game, the time to sulk was later, he had a game .to. The family loaded up the car and Derek drove the prince to his game. Derek moped while he was practicing on the ice, several hours passed and he heard a familiar voice calling his name. The fact that his mom want there was really getting to him because he was hearing her call his name. He heard casey call him and told him to look up, he looked up and saw his mom.

He couldn't believe it, his mom was here. Was he dreaming? Did he hit his head on the ice or was she really there? He stared at her in shock, all he could do is smile at her and she smiled and waved. She really was there, Derek finished practicing with a smile on his face and waited for the game to start.

THE GAME STARTS

Derek is having the game of his life, he is scoring all of the goals and assisting his teammates so they can score as well. Derek blocks someone from scoring and he smiles, Derek scores another point. Derek is leading this game, 5-3. Derek and the team are show boating and taunting. Derek turns to the stands and sees his family cheering. Its the only time he sees his family proud of him. Sam gives Derek a nod and he knows that means to block, Derek blocks the guy and Sam smiles, sam passes the puck to Derek and Derek scores. Sam and Derek celebrate by hugging and the team celebrate too. Its down to the last minute of the gsme , Derek and Sam try to block them from going to the goal but they pass the puck through their legs next guy. They slap shot it to the goal but Ralph blocks it and smiles at Derek and sam , the give him a thumbs up.

Derek has the puck against the hockey stick and he sees an opening. He drives the hockey stick down the middle, then out of nowhere a guy tackles Derek against the boards and Derek lands on them hard, so hard that Derek screams out in pain. At this point, Derek's family rushes to the boards. As this is going on, another player from the other team comes in and swipes him low. Derek's team and the refree go over to stop them from this obvious attack to injury Derek. The two players who were just attacking Derek trip over Derek's leg , slicing it as he falls to the ground. The medical practitioners on sight race out with a gurney and they gently placed Derek on it. They put his leg and neck in a brace and race him to the back and Derek's family and friends follow him.

The other team gets a penalty and since Derek's not there, one of Derek's other teammate has to make the goal. With the thought of what the guys did to Derek. Derek's team and coach stare dagger at the guys that hurt Derek as the teammate makes the winning goal. The team doesn't have the spirit to celebrate because of what happened to Derek.

"What the fuck was that"! Ralph said angry and rightfully so. " they mauled Derek like he was on their hit list"! He yelled pointing towards the door. "And all he was trying to do was win" he says holding back tears " and so what of he was show boating, everyone was!" He exclaims as a tear slowly slides down his cheek. "Were they seriously trying to injury my best friend, my brother! Over a fucking game! Yeah! Its a really important fucking game! But injuring him isn't worth it! He says as he sobs barley able to get his words out. " they could have...they could have killed him!" He says as he cries.

Sam just sat there staring a Derek, tears falling from his face in shock. Casey sees this and hugs him.. "What was that?" Sam says in shock " it happened so fast, it felt like, some kind of assassination attempt except they didn't get to do what the wanted" he says still in shock. " I want to kill them!" Sam says angrily. Casey tries to soothe Sam by rubbing his back, she feels his head drift to her shoulder, Sam closes his eyes and sobs and Casey can feel Sams teams fall on her shirt one by one. He steps away from her embrace and sits by Ralph. Ralph hugs Sam and then they just sit there crying.

Casey watched as Derek laid there unconscious, she had never seen him like that before and she didn't like it. The paramedics were saying something but she couldn't hear because she out. Casey watched the rest of the family freak out as well. Marti was crying as she stared at Derek " is semerk going to be ok, mommy? She asked Abby. Abby couldn't think straight because by this time the paramedics had cut off the leg part of Derek's hockey gear (he was not going to be happy about that.) When they revealed it, they saw that there was a Bone sticking out. Abby was streaming tears at this point, Derek was unconscious and a bone sticking out of his leg. Casey thought she would pass out from all of the blood. Edwin did pass out, lizzie tried to wake Edwin up as she wiped away tears from her face. Casey tried so hard to be strong for the kids. She knew that she had to be strong for the kids and her parents, she didn't want them to freak out and cry even more. Key word is she tried, seeing Derek lie there so helpless, hurt and everyone around er breaking down. Sam, Ralph, her family...well, everyone was balling tears at this point.

Paramedics: we need someone to go fast!

George looks at Abby and they both leave together and Nora drives the kid to the hospital.