I don't want to kiss him. Gwen has spent weeks analyzing Duncan the way she would a portrait. She knows the steep slope of his nose, the furrow of his thick unibrow, the stubble that he trims once a week in order to maintain his no-beard lifestyle. He is her best friend, and she has memorized the lines of his eyes and lips. She knows his face as well as she knows her own. Better, even. And yet.
I don't want to kiss him. She watches him talk to Courtney on the other side of the bonfire pit. His shoulder inches closer to Court's, and Gwen forces herself to tear her gaze away before the gap between them disappears altogether.
I don't want to kiss him. They are best friends, and admittedly, Duncan had tried to kiss her once, years ago. Gwen had pushed him away, laughing, and then the entire thing had been forgotten after they'd sprinted into the night to TP the neighbor's lawn. Her feelings haven't changed. He's like a brother to her, the older brother she never had.
I don't want to kiss him. So then why does her gut ache like she's ingested cyanide pills?
I don't want to kiss him. Expectations had followed her to tonight's party: whispering quips and jokes with Duncan all night. Swapping drinks because they like the same sour sodas. Pranking someone, anyone, just to have a laugh. But her best friend is too busy talking to Courtney to talk to her. And it isn't a slight against Courtney—Gwen knows her head would cloud and her stomach would clench regardless of Duncan's conversation partner.
I don't want to kiss him. True. This isn't fair, Gwen. Also true. If Duncan wants to kiss Courtney, that is well within his right. How can she sit here feeling sorry for herself when she has never wanted anything more than Duncan's friendship?
I don't want to kiss him. But now she's realizing friendship is a different type of heartbreak. Because one day, Duncan is going to find someone—not Courtney, someone —who he will want to kiss. Who he will share his secrets and laughter with. And she will take Gwen's place in his heart.
I don't want to kiss him. She wants to throw up.