A door opening jarred me from sleep. Jumping to my feet, my blanket was discarded where I had lay on the floor.
"Relax…" The voice was calm and slowly I realized it was my father standing there and not my handler. Running a hand over my face, I tried to rub away the remaining sleep from my eyes. He was holding a tray with food on it. "There isn't much here, but I pulled together what I could." On the tray were two bottles of water, a mug of black coffee, three protein bars and a stack of hard boiled eggs.
"Yes, sir." I mumbled as I moved over to take the tray from him. My legs moving stiffly, but the pain was bearable.
"Sit." He nodded toward the small table and two chairs that were in the corner of the room. Shuffling over there, I tried to wrap my head around where I was and what had happened. Nothing was adding up and nothing made any sense to me. Confusion was the only thing that I felt comfortable with. I took a seat as Winter placed the tray on the table, pushing it in my direction as he also took a seat. "Something wrong with the cot?" I had grabbed an egg and had stuffed it in my mouth as he asked the question. I gave him a shrug as I glanced over at the blanket laying on the floor where I had finally been able to fall asleep.
"The floor felt right." Eating another egg, I took count and there were four left. "Do I have to eat it all?" I looked at him.
"Yes." His voice was somewhat stern and I felt my shoulders drop at the tone. Sighing he looked at me and his face softened. "Eat what you can kid. Your body needs it all. But don't make yourself sick." I looked back down at the food and grabbed a protein bar. As I was unwrapping it, my father nudged the mug in my direction. My eyes narrowed at the black liquid.
"I don't know about that." I took a bite of the protein bar, the chocolate flavor was amazing. He smiled at me.
"Trust me, this is Lance's go to. I'm sure you'll like it." The use of my actual name gave me the chills. It was so odd that Winter knew me as a person I didn't even know. Sitting down the protein bar, I took the warm mug in my hands and took a whiff of the coffee. The smell was amazing. Lifting the mug to my lips, I took a long draw of the liquid and literally felt a fraction of the tension leave my body. "See. I told you." Winter had a smirk on his face. Taking another pull from the mug, I nodded.
"You smile a lot." I said as I sat the mug down, being careful not to spill anything. "You never smiled before." His smile got bigger and he laughed.
"I have a lot that makes me happy now." He explained as he opened the water bottles sitting on the tray, using up a bit of the nervous energy he was giving off. "Drink one of these before you drink more coffee." I nodded and took a bottle of water. Holding the water in my left and the half eaten protein bar in my right.
"Is there a plan? Or do I stay holed up here and hope something comes back?" I chugged the bottle of water and balled it up when I was done, placing the ball of plastic back on the tray.
"There are some legalities to deal with." Winter's voice held an edge to it. He let out an exasperated sigh.
"And that means the asset is in trouble." Winter glared at me.
"Don't call yourself that." A darkness spread over his face briefly, but long enough that I noticed.
"I won't do it again." I looked down at the protein bar in my hand and slowly focused on pulling the wrapper apart.
"You're a person kid. You have an identity, even if you don't remember it right now. They stole that from you, brainwashed you into thinking you are only a weapon again, not a human. You're my son, you are Lance Buchanan Barnes." I sat the protein bar down and looked at him.
"I wish I was that person, зима. And maybe one day I will be. But nothing up here…" I tapped the side of my head with my metal fingers. "Believes that or will accept that." Winter started to speak again and I shook my head. "So what legalities do we have to deal with? That could mean anything."
"I won't push it kid. But I know it will come back, just like mine did." Zola's words were clear as day echoing in my head as if he were in the room with us.
That's where you are incorrect Soldier… there had been decades of tests and research, things that needed to be updated and changed to insure absolute compliance.
I cringed as I heard the Swedish accented English on repeat.
"Are you alright?" The worry in Winter's eyes was unnerving. I recalled him always being concerned about my wellbeing, but not in this way. His concern never looked this deep.
"As good as I can be all things considered. Just thinking…what if it doesn't come back? What if I'm not like you?" I didn't have the heart to tell him what Zola had said, that there was a chance it didn't all come back. He seemed so set on returning to whatever sense of normalcy we had before…all of this.
"Then we'll go with it and make it work. Make new memories, new experiences." He said it so flippantly, but the worry was etched on his face. He wanted to believe what he was saying, but he was finding it hard.
"You don't have to force yourself to be positive and happy on my account. It's fucking weird. I don't like it." I didn't remember being around positivity and happiness. Nothing about those emotions felt natural. "How do we make капитан америка work?" I cursed under my breath at the mix of Russian and English, it flowed without me thinking. "Zola showed me a picture. I know…I don't remember, but I know, that Samuel, I mean Uncle Sam, gave me the shield. That I…That Lance, was…or is? Captain America." My words felt so jumbled leaving my mouth, echoing just how much of a mess my mind was. "Fuck, did that make any sense?" My father's lips pursed as he either pieced together my ridiculous attempt at vocalizing a thought or he came up with some politically correct answer in an attempt to make me not feel bad.
"That's not a priority right now. We can discuss that later, much later." He looked at the forgotten protein bar I had a vice like grip on. "Eat." The word was a command, but not spoken like it was one. "You asked about what's next." Chewing on the chocolate bar I nodded. "The Department of Defense has concerns, questions, and we don't even know yet who's HYDRA and who isn't at this point."
"General McMillan." I said between bites, finishing up the bar and reaching for another egg.
"Sam mentioned him first when he was going over everything after his escape. He's been apprehended." Taking a sip of the cooling coffee the bitterness was much more noticeable but I didn't dislike it.
"So what happens to me? Do they lock me up? Same day, different captor?" I went for another protein bar, my stomach deciding it was far from full. Winter shook his head quickly.
"NO!" The force of his response startled me a bit and I paused from unwrapping the birthday cake flavored bar in my hand. "I'm sorry, but no they will not be locking you up. You're staying with me, until all of this is sorted out."
"In Louisiana?" It was Winter's turn to look startled.
"You remember your home?" His voice was soft and wishful, swallowing the lump in my throat I shook my head.
"The mission, that put Sam in the hospital?" I watched as that wishful look was wiped off his face with my words. His eyes started to fill with tears and I could do nothing but go back to eating. There were no words of comfort, no way of making this any easier. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't stop this from happening. That Captain Barnes, Lance, is gone and you've got this…" I bit down on my lip as I watched his eyes go wide and he shake his head. "I'm sorry I couldn't hold out longer. I know Lance held out as long as he could." Winter started to open his mouth, but I held up a hand to keep him quiet. "He had to have held out and held on to the memories of the two of you, because I can tell just by looking at you that whatever there was between father and son was fucking strong. I'd love to think we can have that back, but I…I don't want to disappoint you if it doesn't return…if you're stuck with whatever the fuck this shell of your version of ребенок is. This might be, I might be, the best you get from this and I'm sorry." I felt my own eyes growing wet, not from physical pain, but mental and emotional. Looking down at my mismatched hands the tears rolled down my face. "I'm sorry…Dad…I'm so sorry…sorry…Lance wasn't stronger." Suddenly I felt arms wrap around me and I tensed before I realized it was my father, giving me a hug.
"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for ребенок. You are the strongest person I know. You have nothing to prove to me kid. However this goes, know I love you and will always love you, whether you want it or not." I swiped at the tears on my face.
"Til the end of the line?" I looked at Winter. "That's when we say that right?" He patted me on the shoulder.
"Yea kid, that's right."