A First, Second and Third Child's Garden of Verses

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this word but my robe, sandals, staff and bowl. All else is God's, except for Neon Genesis Evangelion. That belongs to Studio Khara, whose copyright even God would think twice about violating.

Shinji in the Bot

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the human race that day:
The angels had returned, and Sachiel was on its way.
When tanks plain failed to scratch it, and missiles did the same,
The generals said "We're screwed," and then they hung their heads in shame.

Then one of them got on the phone and said, "Your turn, Ikari."
The NERV Commander smirked a smirk and said, "You won't be sorry.
For we've got just the right thing to stop Sachiel's onslaught.
As soon as my son Shinji gets his ass into the bot."

And when at last an N2 mine put Sachiel in a trance,
Gendo pumped his white-gloved fist and shouted, "Now's our chance!"
Just then, the bridge crew turned their heads, and all gasped on the spot,
For Shinji, Third Child Shinji, was being dragged toward the bot.

There was hate in Shinji's features as he looked up at his dad.
"It's been a while, boy," Gendo said, "But hey now, don't be mad.
You get to drive this giant mech, so we all won't be dead.
Get in the robot, Shinji." -"Bite me," the Third Child said.

"For nine years you've abandoned me, and now you call me back
To risk my life and stop a giant plague doctor's attack?
Go find some other sucker you can toss right in harm's way!"
"How shocking; he's a wuss," said Gendo. "Fine, let's bring in Rei."

Upon a shoddy gurney blue-haired, bandaged Rei was wheeled.
A blast then knocked her to the floor. "Fuck! My rib had just healed!"
The Third Child held her in his arms. "She's way too hot to die.
Well, fine, guess you win, daddy-o. I'll give EVA a try."

The whine is gone from Shinji's voice; he holds his head up high.
He sets his jaw as firm as stone; grim resolve's in his eye.
The elevator takes him up, and now he's above ground.
And now NERV's crew falls silent as his EVA leaps and bounds.

Oh, somewhere in this favoured land an idol singer sings.
Sempai notices kohai, and the kohai's heart takes wing.
And somewhere teen girls frolic as their heroes they cosplay,
But there's no joy in Tokyo-3 - Third Child Shinji's run away.

Stopping by Rei's on a Sweltering Afternoon

Whose home this is I think I know.
The crappiest part of the city, though.
She will not hear my timid "Hark!"
With noise from wrecking ball below.

Her place is filthy, dank and dark.
Father's glasses? For a lark,
I try them on. They feel so odd.
Then she emerges, naked, stark.

I trip upon my feet unshod
And fall face down upon her bod.
God, I feel like such a creep.
I hope she cannot feel my rod.

Her breasts are lovely, soft and deep,
But I have a sync test date to keep.
I'll rub one out before I sleep.
I'll rub one out before I sleep.

Asukacuckoo Song

Asuka is icumen in,
Lhude screme, "BAKA!"
Flaming hair, tootsies bare,
Voice carrieth to Osaka.
Screme, "BAKA!"

Pen-Pen springeth into fridge,
Fleeing nu her verbal dakka.
Shinji shrinketh, Misato drinketh.
Lhude screme, "BAKA!"

Asuka, Asuka, well bitch'st thu, Asuka.
Thu be one badde mutherfukka.
Screme "BAKA!" nu, screme "BAKA!",
Screme "BAKA!, screme "BAKA!", wa.

Wild Nights - Mild Nights

Wild nights - Wild nights
I'd have with thee
But then you call out,
"Oh, Yui!"

Futile - short skirts -
No use - blonde dye -
Done with this charade -
Done with this guy!

Blow up - the MAGI?
Set his beard - on fire?
Nah, I'll just cuck him - each night -
With Maya!

The Passionate Pilot to His Love

Come live with me and be my love,
Despite the blood-streaked moon above,
Which Giant Naked Rei did mar
When mom burst through her jugular.

And we will sit by Sea of Red,
While ravens feast upon Rei's head.
We'll reminisce on times gone by
And how I made the whole world die.

And I will make thee beds of stones
From the EVAs' petrified bones,
An LCL rinse for thy hair,
A flint razor, to trim down there.

Ruined homes and shopping malls we'll scrounge
For cannèd foods, and chairs of lounge,
And guns to ward off the attack
Of other jerks who may come back.

Changes of clothes we'll liberate,
So that our stench we may abate.
That way - and in this I'm trusting-
Thou'lt have one less thing to call "disgusting."

We'll tame this wide new world of nada
(At least there're no more damn cicadas).
If with these terms thou dost agree,
Tonight is thy turn to choke me.

A/N: This is my first Evangelion fic. I hope you enjoyed these shameless travesties of classic poems you may have studied in school, whether in the original Klingon - I mean, English - or in translation. Please let me know whether you found these funny-stupid, merely stupid, or somewhere in between.

The following, in order, are the poems parodied here (all can be easily found online; apologies to the original poets; please don't haunt me from the grave):

"Casey at the Bat" by Ernest Thayer, 1888.

"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost, 1923.

"Sumer is icumen in" (AKA "Cuckoo Song") by Anonymous, c. 1260.

"Wild Nights - Wild Nights!" by Emily Dickinson, 1861.

"The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" by Christopher Marlowe, 1599.

Many thanks to Kamino Neko for pre-reading an earlier draft, and for suggesting the title.