.: With My Own Eyes :.
The plans for the evening with Jacob were great: to take a walk through the shopping districts and then to that intriguing underground establishment where they play the foxtrot and you can dance all night. Queenie was in a great mood. But it immediately deteriorated the moment she stepped out the door with her on his arm. Passers-by cast fleeting glances and certainly harbored unpleasant thoughts.
"Why do pretty girls always fall in love with such freaks?"
"What a carcass!"
"He's going to crush her."
"...She could have gone for anyone else... Something is wrong with her... crazy, probably..."
"Yes, he's probably loaded with lots of money... It's not respectful to yourself to go to bed with such..."
Queenie froze and gripped Jacob's arm tighter. Evil people with their evil thoughts floated by, some glanced around.
"I don't feel like going out," Queenie muttered. Plans are plans, but it is already unbearable to endure this mockery. She pulled Jacob away from the crowd, to a shop window with dresses. Quite disgusting how it didn't match her mood.
Jacob looked into her eyes. "Did you hear something bad again? Who hurt you?" Jacob's voice changed from being alarmed to threatening in an instant. He glanced at a skinny, blond guy across the street who was looking at them. He froze and squinted accusingly. Queenie didn't know what the guy was thinking, but it was surely something as evil as everyone else.
"Nobody offended me." Queenie smiled wryly. "Just tired."
"You shouldn't have put on your new shoes. Let's go home then. I'll give you dinner and a foot massage."
Queenie had to smile back to stop all questioning. They quickly found a deserted place from where they could Apparate to Jacob's house. The supper was excellent as always. Jacob, as always, tried to distract her from bad thoughts with his chatter. Queenie on any other day would have sincerely laughed at his stories from the life of a baker, but now she saw everything in dark colors.
She read that Jacob felt this, and somewhere on the periphery of his consciousness the same annoying self-righteous thoughts, typical of a man, were swarming. "It can't be that there's no way to somehow hide yourself from other people's thoughts when it's not necessary at all. Maybe she was just looking badly. ...I mean they're wizards; they can do anything. That friend of Newt, that professor guy, maybe he could give her some advice..."
Queenie could not resist: "Jacob, I told you a hundred times, there is no way to protect myself from other people's thoughts! That is, unless everyone is working together to apply Occlumency, which No-Majes are unfortunately not trained in.
Jacob blinked. "What are you talking about, baby? You don't listen to me at all. Don't you think it would work? I perfectly remember everything you say."
Queenie folded her arms across her chest in defense. "But you still think you know the intricacies of spells and Legilimency better than I do."
"Okay, I'm sorry. I won't think anything like that anymore. ...You're right, I don't understand much from the wizarding world." Jacob bit his lip. "I'm going to go crazy. I need to control absolutely all my thoughts." And aloud Jacob said, "I'm worried about you. I know that you love to walk, have fun, go shopping, but you have to limit yourself because of this."
Queenie almost burst into tears of frustration. She could not even begin to explain to Jacob why she was so unhappy and infect his thoughts with her sorrows. People were so cruel to those who weren't like them. Why did they always think only bad things? Queenie used to skillfully translate the subject to him, but now she didn't have the strength to pretend to be cheerful. She looked at Jacob again, so kind, sympathetic, and unhappy. Queenie could not get rid of all the abominations that others thought. They distorted his usual cute face and highlighted imperfections.
"Fatty."
"Pig eyes and a potato nose."
"How does he even do anything with such a belly?"
"If I imagine him without clothes, I'll vomit."
Queenie abruptly got up from the table. "Sorry. I'd better go home..."
"What did I do wrong again?" Jacob got up, too. "I'll show you out."
"No, no, you don't need to; you know I can Apparate. I'm a witch, remember?"
"I annoy her. She just wants to be alone... Don't go." Jacob smiled torturedly. "I hope you're not running away because of a bad dinner."
Even his cute jokes couldn't lift Queenie's spirits.
At home, Queenie found Tina alone. Her sister had again taken home work and was now bending over a thick folder. Tina chewed the end of her hair with concentration. Just like at school. Tina heard footsteps and looked up from the papers.
"You're early." She shifted in her seat. "Did they quarrel?"
"No, no, everything is fine with Jacob. It's just..." Queenie sat down across from her sister. Tina looked worried. There was so much concern in her warm brown eyes that Queenie couldn't once again pretend everything was okay. "I'm doing well with Jacob. He's wonderful, you know. But people around don't know a thing about him. When Jacob and I are walking, everyone considers it their duty to mentally insult him somehow. And me at the same time. And our privacy...
Tina grimaced. "I can imagine. But you understand that people cannot control their thoughts. If they see a cat, they will think, 'oh it's a cat,' and if they see... a person who is not like them, then they think 'oh, a person who is not like me.' Or then they may already think that this is rude, or perhaps the person is sick with something, or had a bad experience in their childhood. Your business is not their business. They didn't come to the fashion show, so they shouldn't expect that everyone around them would be as beautiful as a Veela." Tina seemed to defend herself and folded her arms over her chest.
Queenie did, in fact, extract from her the memory of the first time her sister saw Jacob. "Who would marry such a man! Fatty, sweaty, pathetic. Mr. Scamander is just nuts if he could think that anyone..."
"You're right," Queenie replied grimly.
Tina didn't seem to notice. "It's a pity that you're not such a homebody like me. You could spend time with Jacob in his apartment, if you feel like it. And you would protect him and yourself from these thoughts. By the way, did you talk to Jacob about the problem? Maybe he could try... well... to do something?"
Queenie rolled her eyes. The worst thing was to hear her beloved Jacob constantly thinking something like that about himself.
"God, why is she with me?"
"What did she find in me?"
"I'm not worthy of her."
If Queenie had known how, she would have taken more of an active role. Because kissing was not enough for her for a long time. And Jacob, always so shy, polite, delicate, afraid to offend her even with a thought, not just an action... He was already poisoned enough by human hatred. Queenie constantly saw rare, sad memories in Jacob's mind. There he was, a clumsy fat boy, an eternal target for hooligan antics. The same awkward teenager, whom girls had always refused to talk to and dance with. Drunken French women who did not believe that Jacob had served in the war. Even in his family, everyone said, "Jacob is ugly, but talented."
Queenie would never tell him anything.
"Did I say something wrong?" Tina began to get annoyed, although her voice was still soft. "If there's a problem, it must be solved. If you can't remake the whole world, then try to remake Jacob and yourself." Tina gave her sister's hand a squeeze. "It's unlikely that everything can suit one person. At school, you liked to gossip about your ugly classmates." This thought was somewhere very far in Tina's thoughts. Queenie's sister was used to setting up her thoughts so that all the dangerous ones were hiding somewhere far away, and the harmless ones drove forward.
"Anyway," Queenie said, sighing. "Thanks for listening to me. I'm glad that I can share all my sorrows with you."
"Why else do you need an older sister?" Tina plunged herself into her papers again, as if there was no previous conversation. All her thoughts were occupied by her current investigation.
Queenie decided it might be worth talking to someone else. After all, Newt had been with them for a month now. As promised, he'd brought his book Fantastic Beasts to Tina. Only, this was where their relationship stopped. With obvious mutuality between each other, these two seemed unable to find a way to go beyond friendship. Queenie worried that Newt would leave without telling Tina that he liked her. And Tina would continue to spend all her free time, not with Newt in a suitcase, but buried in her work. However, now Queenie needed help with her relationship herself.
She went downstairs into Newt's suitcase and found the young man at work. He was picking eucalyptus leaves from a branch and putting them in a large wooden bowl. Seeing Queenie, Newt tensed. No, Newt treated her well, but he protected his personal so space that, when he met the natural Legilimens, he immediately walked on eggshells.
"Came to find out if you need help."
"Thank you, Queenie. I'm on my own."
"Have you had dinner? Tina probably didn't have dinner either. You workaholics work so much that you always forget about food."
At the mention of Tina, a light dusting of red appeared on Newt's cheeks, and he rushed about in his thoughts like a frantic rabbit. "Thank you, I'm not hungry. Tina, I hope, too. But if not, you could suggest to her... Actually, I need your help."
Queenie turned the conversation firmly in the direction she wanted. "Mine? Oh, I'm only glad to, but only if you answer a question I have afterward."
Queenie thought Newt was just as amateur in human relationships as Tina, since they still hadn't realized that their feelings were mutual. But he was the best magizoologist in the world. And wizards, in fact, are the same creatures, only slightly less clueless.
"Imagine a flock of animals."
"What type?"
Newt perked up immediately. "I don't know, any. And they have the best males, slim and tall. And they are very fond of offending other males..."
"Alpha males, right?"
"Exactly. They constantly bite and peck at males who are not so... alpha."
"Beta, that is?"
"Yes, exactly so. And then one day one female, who was considered a worthy match for alpha males, falls in love with a beta male..."
"But isn't that out of the question, due to nature?" Queenie asked. "Females always select only the best males with the best survival qualities. In order for the population to survive. Only healthy ones must reproduce, smart, dexterous and strong individuals. So that their offspring are the same, and so on."
Queenie paused. Newt's words about offspring made her think for a moment. Of course, she wanted children from Jacob. And maybe their children would be as beautiful as she was, and similarly magically gifted. But what if they inherited Jacob's traits? Or if they were born squibs? Queenie imagined a girl, round and chubby like a potato, with such large cheeks that her already small eyes turned into slits. Dark curly hair, clubfoot gait, always open mouth due to shortness of breath... No one would be friends with her, and even less so no, one would fall in love with her. And if she inherited Legilimency from her mother, she would hear only bad things about herself every day. And every day, she would be the most unhappy child in the world.
Newt bowed his head and sighed. "No, no. I suppose you're right... So then, what was your question, Queenie?"
"Don't worry about it. You've already answered it, dearie."
She hastened to leave. She really wanted to be alone again.
Queenie went to bed early. But she still could not sleep. She listened as Tina went to bed. Her sister tossed and turned for a long time, thinking about her work, that it was not in vain that she began to grow long hair like Leta Lestrange's, that she should go down to Newt's suitcase and wish him good night.
"What if Newt is already asleep? What if he decides that it's indecent when a girl comes to him in a suitcase at midnight? The British are so stiff, you never know what they're thinking."
Queenie smiled. She was sure that Newt was down there, just as restlessly fidgeting in his sleeping place and thinking about Tina. Queenie thought that one frank conversation would solve the two's problems. Although Tina was angry when the youngest sister, as she said, "forced events," it seemed that without force, she and Newt would just circle around each other until old age.
Queenie turned on her other side. Sleep still didn't come. So many things interfered with her happiness with Jacob. Of course, they couldn't get married in America, and moving to Europe was still in distant plans. Queenie was constantly making sure that none of MACUSA caught her and Jacob on the streets. Jacob still became terribly angry when Queenie climbed into his thoughts, especially when she pulled out something personal from there and tried to talk about it, as if she did it on purpose. And the people they passed every day were still thinking unfairly. Even Tina, the kindest in the world, let slip similar thoughts. And if Newt had any awareness of people in the world at all, he would probably think something like that, too...
Queenie sighed and lay back. She folded her arms across her chest, peering into the darkness of the ceiling. After a moment, she closed her eyes and conjured up the image of Jacob. And then slowly, like a spider web on beautiful wind chimes, she began to remove all the evil that people attributed to him. Queenie liked the warmth with which Jacob always looked at her. She liked it when he laid his big, heavy head in her lap and when Queenie fingered his soft curls. She loved his charming smile and dimples in his cheeks. In fact, she really liked that Jacob was so big, strong, and reliable. Next to him, Queenie felt fragile and airy.
Why did Queenie ever stop looking at Jacob with her own eyes? Who cared what others thought of her Jacob?
Then Queenie thought of the children. Of course, she would love her children like any mother. Even if her child felt unhappy in the outside world, then behind the strong walls of their home, he would always be loved as he was. The thought finally calmed her down, and Queenie finally fell asleep.
Queenie knew Tina would probably not approve of what she was doing at the moment. Most likely, Queenie was breaking some stupid MACUSA laws when she slipped into Jacob's house with the help of an Alohomora spell and waited for him to return from work inside. Humming, she made a light dinner and then changed into a new lace slip and pink dress.
Jacob did not stay late that day. He entered the apartment in a cloud of pleasant memories of a good day's work, about the people to whom he brought joy with his pastries and the colleagues with whom he worked so well. Only one thought destroyed this serenity. Jacob was still wondering how he'd offended Queenie the other day.
He froze on the threshold of his apartment at the sound of the gramophone playing a foxtrot and then hastily closed the door. He looked at Queenie as if for the first time, thunderstruck. She came close to him and clung to his chest, hearing the rapid beating of his heart. Without heels, she was much shorter than Jacob.
"You look... impressive..." was all Jacob could mumble.
Queenie took his limp hands and put them on her waist. She looked boldly into his eyes.
"You do, too. You are the most beautiful and desirable man I know."
"Oh, stop, what am I..."
Queenie put her finger to Jacob's lips, forcing him to silence.
"You have to come to terms with the fact that I like everything about you and that I want to change nothing. Except for one thing, perhaps. I'd really like you to become more decisive."
"I'm very decisive! And I firmly declare that you are more beautiful than all the goddesses of beauty."
"Then dance with me right now."
"Not a word more!"
Jacob easily gathered Queenie in his arms, as if she were woven out of thin air. She screamed in surprise and giggled when Jacob kissed her neck. She knew that all problems would not be solved overnight, but she was glad that she got rid of at least one.