Disclaimer - All characters, dialogue, anything recognizable, belong to WB, CW, Kripke, et. al.
A/N - All errors are my own.
Dean sat there, dazed and numb. What had just happened?
Cas was gone. For good. Into the Empty. No coming back. No resurrection.
Cas was dead.
The phone rang. Sam…
He buried his head in his hands as the enormity of losing Castiel washed over him.
The phone kept ringing, and Dean just sat there staring at it.
Dean took slower breaths and started to pull himself together. He didn't know how much time had passed. There were so many missed calls from Sam.
He finally called Sam back and they decided to meet somewhere in Minnesota. He didn't talk long, just said that he was leaving. Dean couldn't bear to tell Sam about Castiel's death. He was having trouble coming to terms with it himself. And Jack! God, what was he going to say to Jack?
It was going to be an all night drive, almost 9 hours, before Dean met up with Sam and Jack. Too much time to be alone with his thoughts. He put in a Zeppelin tape and cranked up the volume. The music worked for a side and a half. But it didn't truly drown out the events of the last couple of days from churning in Dean's head.
Dean had felt guilty for having succumbed to Chuck's influence, pulling a gun on Sam - on Sam, of all people. The one thing he knew was that he could try to kill Billie, try to stop any more people from vanishing. He was a killer after all. He hardly ever succeeded in saving and protecting the people he loved - that was Sam's job. But ganking the bad guys? That was all him.
But Sam was hurting. Losing Eileen was a personal loss. There had been a fleeting thought that maybe him and Sam should stick together, but he hadn't let it take root. So they had split up, Sam and Jack went to round up people to save and he and Cas went to the Bunker to stop Billie.
But that whole mission had gone FUBAR. Dean rubbed his chest, he still felt some phantom pain from the massive heart attack Death had unleashed on him. He had remembered that pain from when he had been electrocuted - wow, had it been almost 15 years ago? Not dying because someone trapped a Reaper, definitely put that in the "defying the natural order" column. That should have been their first clue. Why would Billie kill others before sending the Winchesters to the Empty?
He should have paid more attention to that fleeting thought about staying with Sam. They should have been with Sam and Jack. "Why don't I ever learn?" thought Dean. He knew they were always, always, better together. This had made Dean feel even guiltier, because he hadn't really been paying attention when Castiel had started talking. He had been stuck beating himself up for splitting up from Sam.
The words "deal" and "the Empty" had brought Dean out of his self-pity party.
How was anything that Cas was talking about relevant now? They could talk about this later. Dean was going to give Cas hell for making a deal. What had he been thinking? Didn't Cas know better? Deals never worked!
Right then they had to call Sam.
Right then they had to strengthen the warding.
They just had to wait it out.
Death would succumb to her injury. No need to summon the Empty.
But Cas had gone on talking. True happiness, never having it.
Castiel's words kept echoing in Dean's head. Dean kept going over what Castiel had confessed. Dean didn't know what to think. Cas knew Dean loved him. Dean had told him so. Hadn't he? When they had been in Purgatory and got separated, didn't he tell Cas that he was forgiven and always part of the family? He remembered telling Castiel that he was the third brother, that he was family. Why was Cas saying this was something he could never have? Cas knew Dean did not use the word "love" often. Dean was more of a show love through actions not words kind of guy. How did Cas know about Dean calling himself Daddy's blunt instrument? What did it matter how Dean saw himself? We need to call Sam. Someone else leaving me to "save" me thought Dean. No, Cas doesn't have to sacrifice himself.
No one is dying for me again!
Thoughts had swirled around in his mind, not really connecting.
Dean had been in shock, numbed. He couldn't get the words out. What was he supposed to say? He didn't want to lose Cas. He was his brother. He loved him. Cas knew all this.
Why did he say it was something he couldn't have?
Finally, one overwhelming thought had broken through the confusion in his head, "Cas is going to die."
Dean switched out the cassette for another one. Tried to just concentrate on the road and the music. Didn't work. Listening to Zeppelin brought back memories of John.
Dad had done the same thing, thought Dean. John had come into Dean's room that fateful day and told him how he put too much weight on Dean's shoulders. Making him grow up too fast, stealing his childhood. John had continued by saying he was so proud of him. Dean had seriously thought his Dad was possessed again. Especially after John's last words about Sam. Before Dean could get up and confront his father, John was dead.
John died, giving his life for Dean, after saying incomprehensible things.
Cas died, giving his life for Dean, after saying incomprehensible things.
No resolution, no chance to respond, let alone understand.
It made Dean angry. Why did people he loved tell him they loved him, and then die? Not one lived for him.
More fodder for my nightmares…
Of course! Castiel had been inside Dean's dreams. He used to keep watch as Dean slept, soothing nightmares so that Dean could rest. And Dean has had (and continued to have) so many nightmares -
Mom dying in the fire,
Sam dying, (so many times… )
Hell,
Purgatory,
and on and on….
And that was just the tip of the iceberg. Cas must have seen that nightmare about a nightmare (that Dean still had now and then) when they had taken the dreamroot, and his own subconscious called him "daddy's blunt instrument" and how he had nothing to show for himself except the killer he was. Cas had been in Dean's head, had seen his deepest darkest sins and all of his fears, and had never passed judgment.
Cas and Sam had looked through Dean's memories, traumatic and happy, to find out where Michael had trapped him.
His happy memories included some of Cas, didn't they? Dean wracked his brain trying to conjure up happy memories, dreams of what could be. He was so not in the frame of mind to try and find a happy memory. What had Cas seen that convinced him that love and family was something he couldn't have?
And round and round he went. What was Cas talking about?
The inside of Dean's head was just a whirpool of thoughts and memories, fuelling his anger and guilt.
Somehow he made it to Minnesota without crashing.
Dean had no words of comfort to offer Jack, he couldn't even look him in the eye. What could he even say? Cas died for him. He confessed his "love" and the Empty took him. Another person who died because they loved him. Cas is gone because he saved my sorry ass. Here you go, you just get me. He really was poison.
After their useless meeting with Chuck, they just decided to go home. It seemed they were the only three living being left on the Earth.
The ride back to the Bunker was quiet. All three lost in their grief and the enormity of the whole situation.
Jack felt guilty because he had known about Castiel's deal. Castiel had saved Jack from the Empty and offered himself instead. Without his powers, Jack knew he couldn't bring Castiel back this time. The Empty already hated him for "making it loud" in its realm, so there were no deals to make. His father was dead.
Sam felt guilty over all the hunters and Eileen who had depended on him and trusted him to keep them alive. All of them, every single one, gone. Along with everyone else on Earth. And Cas. He hadn't even had time to say goodbye. Cas was family. Their third brother. Jack's father for all intents and purposes. How was he going help Jack cope?
Dean mulled over everything. Again. He kept thinking about all the people who had counted on the Winchesters to do the right thing and were now gone. Chuck destroyed all the living beings on Earth because he and Sam were too arrogant to give up. Because they kept choosing each other.
He felt guilty for going after Billie. If they had gone with Sam and Jack, at least Cas would still have been alive. All of Cas' last words were still swirling in his head. Castiel was declaring his innermost truth, and Dean's own thoughts had been on Sam in those last moments instead of Castiel. And wasn't that the reason for the end the world? Because Dean would put no one, nothing, in front of his brother?
Dean just kept trying to kill everything that came in between him and Sam. That's why they had separated. Sam went to save and protect, Dean went to kill and punish, driven by anger. Always the killer. But, Cas had told him that he wasn't driven by hate and anger.
And there he was back to Cas' death.
How could Cas say Dean was always motivated by love? Didn't his last decision to go after Billie, instead of sticking with Sam, prove the opposite? Why did Cas say he couldn't have what would make him happy? What was he talking about? Dean went over Cas' words again. "Happiness isn't in the having...it's in the being." Having what? Being what? All those compliments, an "I love you," and boom! Gone.
Dean blinked, he needed to stay alert. He took a deep breath, shuddering as he exhaled.
He looked at Jack in the rear view mirror. The kid was wretched. He had hoped for redemption by following Billie's plan. Now everything was for nothing. On top of that, he was stuck with Dean, the reason his father, Castiel, wasn't with them anymore.
Dean turned and looked at Sam. Sam's sorrow was written all over his face. He had connected with the other world hunters. He lost a woman who he had started a relationship with. A relationship Dean had encouraged. Dean had really hoped Sam and Eileen would have made a go of it. They were so suited to each other. Sam deserved to be loved. To be free to find love and happiness. To be in love.
"To be in love... to be free... to be happy…." thought Dean. Those phrases bothered him the more he kept thinking about them. The words began to meld with Cas' words, "It's in the being…..I love you." It hit him then. So hard, he almost swerved the car.
Castiel, Angel of the Lord, who gave everything for him, who fell for him, actually fell for him? Fell in love with him?
Son of a bitch! In a rush, snippets of memories came back to Dean -
- "See, he has this weakness. He likes you."
- "...the other angel – you know, the one in the dirty trenchcoat who's in love with you."
- "When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!"
- "I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own–"
- "He was your boyfriend first."
Words spoken by dick angels, Uriel, Balthazar, some blonde one after Kevin, Ishim, even Meg, a demon! Had they all seen? Had they all known something? How blind had Dean been?
It made sense now. Cas couldn't have Dean like that. He knew how Dean saw him, as family, as a brother. Cas knew Dean loved him, would do anything for him, but could not love him in that way. And Castiel was okay with that. He accepted Dean as is, didn't want to change him, but admitting to "being in love" with Dean had set Castiel free, had made him happy. Dean rubbed a hand over his face and through his hair. This was so fucked up. How was he supposed to deal with this?
Maybe an angel's "I love you" meant something different? I mean they didn't really understand human emotions or feel things the way humans did. Did they?
They were what? What had Cas called themselves? Multi-dimensional wavelengths of celestial intent?
But Dean knew. In the back of his mind, he knew that when Metatron had turned Cas into a human, Cas had begun to understand, and did not go back to be a fully powered angel again. Even when the Empty had ejected Cas the first time, Cas had continued to lose power, becoming less angel, more something else.
What could he possibly tell Sam when he asked for details? And Sam would ask, just a matter of time. And Jack?
Son of a bitch!
When they finally got back to the Bunker, Jack and Sam went to their rooms while Dean stayed in the library. The bottle he had started after he pulled the gun on Sam was going to help him deal with his grief.
Dean took off his jacket as he approached the table. He started to drape his jacket on the back of a chair when he saw it. The bloody imprint of a hand. The bloody imprint of Cas' hand on his shoulder when Cas had grabbed him to throw him out of the way. The same spot that there had been a scar after the angel had raised Dean from Hell, all those years ago.
Shit.
Dean sat down, opened the bottle, and began to drink. He wasn't going to able to sleep unless he passed out. Cas' death was sure to be a new nightmare in his subconscious, just waiting to present itself the moment he fell asleep.