Linger

Chapter 5

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

I'm not going to apologize for the delay this time. My life basically fell apart, and things have been so hard. I am currently in therapy and am starting to be able to function more healthily. Thank you for sticking with me. Some of Alex's symptoms in this chapter are examples of what I've been experiencing, and it was comforting to place Olivia in those hard moments for Alex and for me. That being said, trigger warnings for hardcore PTSD rock bottom.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

"Amanda, let's get breakfast."

The blonde couldn't decide if she was more taken aback by the casual use of her first name or the nonchalant nature of Detective Benson's tone as she exited Cragen's office, given both women knew what their topic of conversation would be.

As the younger detective followed Olivia out of the squad room, she sighed, speaking once they entered the otherwise empty elevator together. "Good Lord, Alex was right about you."

"I hope that was a compliment," the older of the two joked, nudging Amanda's shoulder to gauge her level of anxiety.

She smiled awkwardly. "It wasn't not a compliment. You just don't let sleeping dogs lie, do you?"

"They seem awake to me," Olivia observed. "I feel like we've started this conversation fifteen different times, and we've never gotten to finish it. That's not fair to you. I told Captain we'd be unreachable for a while, so we shouldn't be interrupted."

"And he just…took you at your word? You didn't tell him where we were goin'?"

"Cragen's not entitled to your story, Rollins. Told him we were going to do a debrief for last night and then I'm going to my appointment with Alex, which he thinks takes an hour longer than it does."

"What do you mean, debrief? Vic's ex-boyfriend and his friends targeted her. She made the ID. Amaro's shoot was good. The friends all confessed. There were witnesses. Alex's ADA's got an open and shut case. We already debrie—" She cut herself off at the look of Olivia's face. "Oh. Sneaky, Benson."

"You and I need to take care of each other, Amanda," Benson decided, slipping easily back into calling her new colleague by her first name. "We're the only women on this squad, and for us, SVU…SVU comes with some baggage, you know? Ignoring that—well, that'll just anger the dogs, huh?"

The elevator door opened at the bottom floor, and Olivia walked towards the street, leaving Amanda to chuckle shortly in amazement. She had never worked with a detective like Olivia Benson. Olivia Benson and her metaphors. They obtained coffee and breakfast sandwiches from a nearby vendor and sat together on a bench in an uncrowded area. "Where were we?"

Shockingly, Amanda didn't hold back. "Deputy Chief Patton raping me in a hotel room." At the surprised look on Olivia's face, the blonde shrugged. "What? I figure getting straight to the point'll put the dogs to sleep faster."

Following her lead, Olivia felt obligated to ask the next question. "Who took your disclosure?"

"You."

"Wait, you said you put in your papers. You didn't—?"

"Yeah, little slut Amanda Rollins cryin' rape really would have helped me land a job at Manhattan SVU. Patton's boss wrote my recommendation. If he had known—" The detective shook her head. "Lied. Told him I had family in New York that needed me. If he called my bluff, I didn't know."

Olivia had long lost count of the number of first disclosures and outcries she'd taken in her lifetime. And though none would compare to Alex's on that day after she'd touched her so intimately—and yet so not intimately—for the first time, the abject defeat written on the features of the woman in front of her as she discarded her food absolutely devastated the brunette. "Amanda, you've never told anyone—" Her need to confirm reminded her of that same need as her fiancée had spent days recounting horrendous abuse to her, but before she could finish the question, Amanda swore loudly.

"Shit, Olivia, I've spent a disgusting amount of time convincing myself it wasn't a big deal. Not worth pursuin'. Thinking about. Havin' nightmares about. Why would I wake up my dogs just to be disbelieved and ridiculed some more?"

Beginning to extend her hand towards the other woman and then second-guessing the decision, Olivia placed her hand palm up on her own thigh, holding space for Amanda's pain and saying nothing.

"God, I'm the world's biggest hypocrite."

"It sounds to me like the world's biggest hypocrite is Patton working in sex crimes and being a rapist."

Amanda looked defiantly at Olivia. "Then I'm the world's second biggest hypocrite. And if you try to make me press charges, I'll move to another country, and my dogs and I will go live in a cave by ourselves, and I'm not talkin' about Frannie. But she can come too."

Olivia clicked her tongue. Amanda almost resembled a petulant child in that moment, and it occurred to her that, not unlike Alex and herself, maybe her dogs were roused from their peaceful slumber long before sex crimes ever became a professional endeavor for her. "Well, we can't have that," Liv mused, meeting the other detective where she was. "Good thing is, though I can be a hypocrite about seeking help when you need it, I am not a hypocrite in my belief that this story is yours alone to share."

"What if there are other victims? Am I bein' selfish?"

"Amanda, what you're being right now is brave. And I need you to try, even through your questions and fears and shame, to see that."

Some time later, Olivia walked Amanda back to the station and drove to the DA's office to pick up Alex. The brunette reminded herself to schedule an appointment with her own therapist. She definitely needed a buffer during all this intensity. The attorney pecked her fiancée's lips as she entered the car, a good sign, and then put on her seatbelt. "How are you feeling this morning?" Liv asked softly as she began to drive, extending her hand towards Alex and smiling when the younger woman interlaced their fingers, squeezing in order to ground herself.

"You saw me three hours ago, Liv," Alex pointed out, her breath noticeably labored.

Benson smiled cheekily at her. Deflecting wasn't uncommon for Alex, and sometimes turning it into easy banter calmed whatever tension existed in the air around them. "And how have you been in the past three hours?" she asked again, knowing the answer.

"I'm…not amazing," the Bureau Chief admitted, worrying her lower lip. "But I feel better being close to you, which is a relief." Olivia hated that these days, she herself was a potential trigger for the woman she loved, and she hoped their session with Kimani would leave them in a better place. The brunette had assumed by her affectionate greeting that Alex was feeling comfortable with her, but her words provided the rest of the needed evidence, and at a stop light, Olivia lifted their joined hands to press her lips against the younger woman's skin, which was hot and sweaty. Silently, she turned Alex's arm slightly so she could kiss her radial pulse point, noticing the rapid beat under the skin of her wrist.

"I'm in fight-or-flight," Alex offered up. "That nightmare at the same time as the assault. My body never came down. I cancelled a meeting because I couldn't stop shaking earlier. Which I guess is better than completely dissociating during an arraignment."

Liv halfway glanced at her fiancée as she drove, noticing tears in the blonde's waterline. "Breathe, my love," she softly reminded. "You are safe with me."

"Olivia, I reached to wipe some hair out of my face this morning, and I flinched away from my own hand," she provided to convince Olivia that maybe she was not safe.

"I hear you, Al. You're in a bad place, and your hypervigilance is in overdrive. I am so sorry you're experiencing this right now, baby. You don't feel safe, and still you are safe here with me. That is unequivocally true. Even when you don't feel like it is."

"My own hand, Olivia," the blonde repeated for emphasis. "How do I come back from that?"

Liv squeezed her hand but said nothing as she parked. She didn't know what to say. If Alex was so hyperaroused and yet so dissociated that she perceived her own hand as a potential threat, she must have been incredibly far gone. And Olivia was not a therapist. Did the woman she love need impatient care or was she just having the longest anxiety attack the detective had ever witnessed? Would it resolve itself? Was Alex indeed safe as she'd promised her? Eventually, she settled on, "Let's go in and take it one step at a time. We will figure this out."

Not unpredictably, Alex stoically recounted the events of the past several weeks, her affect giving away avoidance and some degree of detachment. The lawyer knew herself, and she knew she'd be unable to explain to Kimani how much distress her discomfort around Olivia was causing her if she actually felt it. "I've lost my shit," Alex announced, switching from being calm and calculated to being frantic and frenzied. "I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid of my—Olivia. I can't engage in a conversation for longer than two seconds without checking out. My job is suffering. All because of my stupid mother and her gaslighting. I know she's wrong. My relationship with Liv is safe, and—and healthy. Well, not right now, if I'm being honest. We're not connected like we usually are. And that—that really scares me because I don't want to lose her. And I don't want to lose myself. All the healing I've done. Because of a woman I barely know anymore. And I know I'm just rambling, and that's not productive."

"Alex, I hear you being very hypercritical of yourself. You need to get out what you need to get out. I'd much rather this than you say nothing. As you continue to speak, you may find yourself getting to the crux of this huge trigger. We have plenty of time," Kimani reassured her, "and we have a lot to unpack."

"I don't even know how you stand to be around me right now, Liv." Olivia jumped at the sound of her name. She hadn't been addressed directly in some time. "We're delaying our wedding, our sex life is nonexistent, I'm having panic attacks triggered by you telling me you love me. It's like we're back to the beginning. No. Worse. Worse than the beginning."

The cop heard in her fiancée's word vomit that she was afraid of losing Olivia. Did Alex think the brunette would leave her because of her struggles still? Was that a constant fear for her? According to Alex, the answer to that question had been no for many years. Still, Benson needed to differentiate the components of the struggle they were facing together. "Baby, your hypervigilance is the problem. You are not the problem."

An unrestrained sob ripped its way through Alex at the words, and Olivia almost gave in to the urge to gather the younger woman into her arms. The prosecutor felt the shift on the couch and exhaled intentionally so she could speak. "It's okay, Liv," she granted permission. "You can hold me."

It was all Olivia could do.

And it was tearing her apart.

Since Alex had stopped speaking in order to let herself cry, Kimani turned her attention to the woman who was cradling her against her chest. "Olivia, how is all this making you feel?"

The police officer debated being entirely truthful. She didn't want to add to Alex's pain. And this was an example of when she had hypocritical tendencies, as she'd earlier told Amanda. Also like Amanda, she decided to be brave. "I feel absolutely helpless. She's in so much pain, and I'm making it worse." Liv almost never cried during therapy sessions, not even solo therapy sessions. But in that moment, she couldn't help her lower lip from quivering, and the sight sent a new deluge of tears down Alex's face.

"Alex, do you feel like Olivia is making it worse?"

"No, of course not," Alex cried. She inhaled deeply, her most lucid statement so far softly escaping her lips. "Baby, you are not responsible for my internalized homophobia. You always make me feel safe. This is just…it's beyond your power right now, and that isn't your fault."

"So, what I'm hearing from both of you is—Olivia, you are not doing anything wrong, and Alex, you are not doing anything wrong."

You are not the problem. "The crux of the issue is that my inner child is triggered," Alex decided, breathing deeply. "Because my mother symbolizes everything I was ever taught was wrong with me, ever since I was a little girl. I was never good enough. But…but I thought I had physical safety. After what she allowed to happen to me—" Pausing for a moment, Alex decided to be specific. "After she didn't stop my father from paying our pastor to rape me," she spat, closing her eyes for a moment, "I never felt completely safe again. She is danger, personified. Her presence is threatening."

The three women sat quietly for a few minutes as the therapist passed tissues to both of her clients as they calmed, and then Kimani leaned forward. "Do you feel safe right now?"

"That's a loaded question," the blonde sighed. "I'm sorry. I know this conversation is more appropriate for a session with Lindsey."

"No need to be sorry, Alex. You're here now, and I know this interaction with your mother has been affecting your relationship. It's totally appropriate to discuss your trauma here. It always has been, and it always will be."

"Al," Olivia softly added as she pulled slightly away from Alex but kept their hands interlocked, knowing sometimes you just have to wake the dogs, "be honest with yourself. In this moment, do you feel safe?"

"Right now, I think so." Alex nodded, blowing her nose. "I needed to get all that out."

"'Rambling' can make for a very productive session, Alex," Kimani told her, using her language. "I know you've been struggling, so before we continue, I need to ask you a few questions, okay?"

Alex had seen this coming. She was clearly in crisis. "I know," she sniffled.

"In the past month, have you wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up?"

"Yeah, a couple times," Alex confessed, leaning further into Olivia in effort to comfort her.

"Have you actually had any thoughts about killing yourself?"

Liv held her breath, squeezing her fiancée's hand, but Alex shook her head. "No, it was…it was just passive, and really only lasted for a few minutes at a time."

Kimani smiled kindly. "Okay, just one more question then. In the past three months, have you done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end your life?"

"No."

"Have you ever done those things?"

"No."

Kimani nodded, taking a note. "Do you have an appointment scheduled with Lindsey soon?"

"I did, but I cancelled it."

"Okay, Alex, how do you feel about getting one scheduled in the next few weeks? If you're having suicidal ideation, even passive ideation, I think we need to up your support."

"I don't feel…unsafe…in that way, I mean."

"I know," Kimani confirmed, "and you've been honest and clear about that. But something that is true is that suicidality is a symptom of PTSD and depression, and the degree of severity people who experience trauma face ebbs and flows just like the rest of your symptoms. While many of your other symptoms are at high severity, I think we need to be more watchful."

"Do you think I need intensive care?" Alex asked, the skin of her palms becoming sweaty. God, would Olivia stay with her if she needed to be hospitalized?

Liv leaned in, sensing her panic, and pressed a kiss against her shoulder. "Breathe," she whispered slowly.

"I feel comfortable with your own assessment of the level of care you need, Alex. Do you feel like what we are doing now, seeing each other monthly, and seeing Lindsey—what is it, about quarterly?" she asked, getting a nod in response, "—is enough for you?"

"No, absolutely not. I mean it was, when I just needed maintenance, and for me and Liv, but I don't think so now. But I also don't think I'm a danger to myself," she stressed.

"I don't want you to be afraid, Alex. We're not talking about hospitalization, okay? We need to find a level of care that is going to be helpful for you without being overwhelming. I know you've signed consents for Lindsey and myself to talk about your care. What do you think about us collaborating to make a plan? It may just be something like upping session frequency."

The lawyer turned skeptically towards Olivia. "Are we gonna have time for that, honey? I don't want to take you away from work or—"

"We will make the time, sweetheart. We're gonna get you better, Al. Whatever it takes."

"Okay," she breathed shakily.

After Alex's agreement, Kimani took another note. "You've got a team of people on your side, Alex. I'm going to reach out to Lindsey and be in touch with you this week. In the meantime, what can we do to start helping you feel better?"

"I want to meet my mother and tell her in person that I can't have any regular contact with her. Liv, I know I can do it on my own, but will you come with me anyway?"

Benson nodded enthusiastically. A second meeting with Jean Cabot sounded appealing. "Of course."

Kimani liked the idea, but wanted to caution her client. "I know this is something you want to get done because you think standing up to your mother will offer you some symptom relief. That makes complete sense, Alex, and I also think it may be wise to work on feeling safe for at least a few days first. Can you use the grounding strategies you've learned with Lindsey? Focus on what you know is true?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

And somehow, Alex knew that was true.

A/N: As always, I'm interested in your questions, thoughts, and ideas. Love always.