I know. I know. I know. I'm a couple of days late with this...
But that is my own fault for starting something that could go on forever on the same week that I planned to post it. Definitely needed more time that I gave myself.
This was meant to be up on Friday to celebrate the Queen that is Rachel Mason's birthday. Set in the Lawson/Fenshaw universe because that is where my head is at the moment (and I will get on with You've Got The Love so I can get that to you soon).
Obviously, by the end of this, I am trying not to give too much away. But I hope that you enjoy this... unplanned part of this universe.
Just a warning for themes of abuse and suicide. You guys know my fics by now...
In The Years That Have Gone By
1983
Amanda never understood the hype about birthdays. She never understood why people loved them or celebrated them. Maybe that is because she never really had anyone to celebrate her special day with.
That thought became more evident after her mother's death. After all, her's was the first birthday after her mum's death.
Turning 13 seemed like a monumental occasion to all her friends. Finally turning a teenager and all that.
But Amanda knew that it wasn't going to be for her. She wasn't going to have a badge to display her new age to the world or that it was going to be this celebration of her turning into a teenager.
And it would have been better if she had been at school that day.
Because, at least, she might have got a card from her friends (although, it seemed like they had all forgotten as they talked about what they were all doing at the weekend and Amanda didn't think that she had to remind them).
And a school day would have meant that she could have spent it in her favourite place. Not in her least favourite place with her least favourite person.
She knew better than to expect a card. It wasn't like her dad was going to get her one or take her sister to a shop to get her one.
So it wasn't the first moment since her mum's death that Amanda wished that her mum was still alive. At least she could rely on her mum to get her a card.
The moment her dad's snores started to quieten down was the moment that Amanda knew that she would have to pull herself out of bed. Because, even though it was her birthday, that didn't mean that her dad would let her off all the chores that she had to do. Which started with making sure that breakfast was ready and waiting for her dad.
Looking through the cupboards and finding them bare would have upset a lot of people (most of all kids her age) but to Amanda, it was a sigh of relief. It would mean that she would have to ask Melissa to ask her dad for some money so that Amanda could go shopping for the week, attempting to make the ridiculously small amount that he would give them to buy enough to last the week. Although if her birthday was mentioned, Amanda was sure that her dad would only attempt to make her job harder. She didn't really want another week of begging the school canteen for any leftovers. She was sure that she was sounding a little more desperate every time she asked.
Falling into the role that she did had taken Amanda quite a while to get used to. But with it being a couple of months now, Amanda could now get the breakfast on the table and a cup of coffee on the table just as her dad was sitting down at the kitchen table. And she was hoping that she was finally getting his coffee right as well.
"This is how it should have always been." Her dad said, diving into the food.
Amanda didn't comment. Mainly because she was sure that her father would lose his temper at some point and her birthday (of all days) was the last day that she wanted it to happen. Her 'smartarse' comments wouldn't get her far. Especially with a man that she just couldn't work out. He was her father. Shouldn't he love her?
There was enough breakfast left over for Melissa to have some, with Amanda now getting out of the habit of having breakfast for the pure reason that her father and sister were the important ones in the house. Her father would argue that Melissa was still growing but Amanda just took it as Melissa being the favourite. Their father's favourite. A title that Amanda was sure that she would never have.
Amanda hoped for a surprise as she and Melissa joined their dad at the kitchen table, with Melissa tucking into the food and Amanda ignoring how her stomach rumbled at the smell.
"When are you going to get a job then, Amanda?" Her dad said.
"Sorry?" Amanda said.
"When are you going to get a job?"
"I-I-I did ask at the local shop."
"And they said to come back when you were 13. You are now so I think it is time you started pulling your weight a bit."
So he did remember. That could be a good thing or a bad thing.
"I'll go there later." Amanda swallowed. "On my way back from the shops."
"Shops?"
"W-w-we're out of food again."
"Well, you know what you can do with your first wages."
"Until then? Dad, there isn't anything for tomorrow or the week. Or lunch and dinner today."
"Daddy, can't we have chips tonight?" Melissa said. "It is Mandy's birthday after all."
As sweet as it was of Melissa, Amanda knew that wasn't how it worked. If it was Melissa's own birthday, she was sure that her dad would be willing. But then again, the right person was asking for chips. It might be more about not refusing Melissa than for the actual reason.
It was like her dad was only realising that Amanda was there, blinking at her a couple of times before he left out a huff of frustration. It seemed like he couldn't refuse Melissa.
"You can use the rest for chips tonight." He said, slamming two 20 pound notes onto the table.
For Amanda that was more than enough and she swiped it off the table, just in case her dad changed his mind.
"I'll umm… go to the local about that job. Then I'll go shopping. Melissa, do you want to come with me tonight then? To get the chips?"
Amanda regretted asking the question because she knew that if Melissa came with her, then she would want nearly everything on the menu. It was another thing on Amanda's list to do. To work out what was the cheapest way for her to get all the food that she needed so that she could keep anything that was left over for next week. Because, knowing her dad, next week she was sure that he was only going to give her a tenner if he was being nice.
"No. I'll get everything ready," Melissa said.
With that, Amanda excused herself and ran up the stairs to find the smartest thing she owned (other than her school uniform) to try and make sure that she got that job. Because with the way that things were looking. She would definitely need it.
With her dad passed out and her sister going to bed ages ago, Amanda felt like it was the right time to get the little treat that she had got herself out of its hiding place. As she thought, no one had got her a card and the most she got to a happy birthday was Melissa mentioning that it was her birthday.
She had managed to get one of the old candles out of the drawer (and the one with the least amount of wax) and a box of matches earlier. And it wasn't perfect but it was enough to stick in the little cupcake that she had brought herself earlier.
She lit the candle and knew that she couldn't waste this wish. It definitely felt like the most important wish in her life.
I wish… I wish to find someone that will love me.
Amanda just didn't know how long that would take.
1989
"A little birdy told me that it was your birthday today," Andy said as he leant against the small dressing table that she had in her room.
Amanda could have rolled her eyes at the statement. She had obviously not kept it as secret as she thought she'd had done. She had managed to hid her 18th from everyone (and with good reason as they thought that she was already 18). She just didn't know what Andy wanted by saying what he did. She wasn't going to fall for his charisma twice.
"What if it is?" Amanda said.
"Then happy birthday." He said, leaning towards her.
She allowed the kiss to land on her cheek. As well as the one that landed on the corner of her mouth. But she placed a hand on his chest, putting up some resistance, as he attempted to turn her head towards him.
"I have got to work tonight." She reminded him.
"I'm only trying to be nice."
"Yeah, well, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
"I don't think you are a fool."
Amanda couldn't stop herself from snorting.
"Do you want to know why I chose you that night?" He continued. "I saw this strong, beautiful woman with all this… fight in her and I thought she needed to catch a break. That you were someone that needed help and I could do that."
"I would have thought that you would have wanted someone… more submissive," Amanda said, turning towards him. "Plus I think we remember that night a little differently."
"How?"
"Because you didn't see a strong woman. You saw a damsel in distress. You saw me being dragged out of the pub that I was working in, by my hair, by my dad. If I remember correctly, my dad tried to knock you out when you intervened. But there was something that you forgot that night. I still had to go back home to him. Never thanked you for that."
"How bad was it then?"
"Bad enough that I knew I didn't want it to happen again. But I do understand."
"Understand what?"
"Well, I was vulnerable after that. Shaken by what my dad had done. So to offer me a high paying job, with board, would have been exactly the thing that I would accept without any questions."
"You make it sound like I was the bad guy in all this."
"Are there any good guys? I think I am yet to come across one."
"Amanda, you hurt my feelings."
She turned back to the mirror to finish her makeup. "Does it matter? I don't think you care either way."
"I think you should be careful about what you are saying."
"I thought you liked my fight."
"It is becoming borderline insulting now," Andy said, his tone completely changing.
"Then why are you here, Andy?"
"I wanted to propose something to you."
"Really?"
"I know you have this guy tonight but you only have one client tonight. Come back here. Maybe I'll take you out."
"Just take me out?"
"Why? Do you have something different in mind?"
As much as Amanda knew that there was more to life than sex, she was still waiting for the moment that she was just a random girl meeting a random boy. A night where it didn't have to turn into something more. She just wanted more from sex than money. Maybe she just wanted a bit of feeling. Something that was more important to her than money.
"How about I make up for hurting your feelings?" She said, pressing a finger to his lips when he started to argue. "Andy, just give me a night. A night like the night we met. But instead of you offering me a job, you offer me… something else."
"Well, I am sure I can think of something."
What Amanda hadn't realised was that she asked for that night a little too early. Seven months too early. On the wrong birthday. With a completely different man (not the good man she would have that night with).
If Amanda was being honest, she didn't really know what to expect from Andy. She could say that it was the best that she'd ever had but it still felt off. Wrong in a way. And she was sure that had nothing to do with the fact that they had kissed. It just still felt like it was missing… something. She just couldn't understand what.
She took the cigarette off him when he offered her one and allowed him to light it for her. She leant back against him, tucking herself into his side.
"Go on then." He said, placing an ashtray in a place on the duvet where both of them could reach it.
"What?" She said.
"What would you, Amanda Fenshaw, think you would be doing right now if you weren't a prostitute?"
"At uni."
"Really?"
"Don't you think I could do it then?"
"Just surprised. What would you be studying?"
"English. With hopes of being able to become a teacher."
"Teacher?" He said, with a laugh.
"Oh come, Andy."
"Actually, I can see you. Little Miss Bossy."
"It's not like that."
"What is it like then?"
She looked up at him, hesitant about what she wanted to say and whether she should say it.
"Go on. For tonight, I am not one of your bosses. Tonight, you can tell me anything and I'll keep it in confidence."
"I… I hope to be better than my teachers." She said before she took a drag of the cigarette. "I want to find that one child who… who is hiding something. Whether that be bullies at school or a bad home life. I want to find them and help them and stop them from making the same mistakes that I have made. So they don't fall into things like drugs or prostitution. So that life isn't a struggle for them."
"Fucking Mother Teresa."
"Can you actually say that this is what you wanted to do with your life? Pimping out girls so that other men can have sex with them."
"No. I wanted to follow my dad. Join the army. Make a man out of myself."
"Why didn't you?"
"Left school at 14. Never did a CSE. I never passed the tests to get in. Thick as shit."
"You never thought about a trade."
"Fuck me. Are you my mum?"
"No. I'm just interested."
"Started an electricians course. Never finished it because I fell into running drugs and then the rest, they say, is history." He paused. "There must be more to your story."
"Mum died when I was 12."
"Oh shit."
"Suicide. Apparently. Although, I don't blame her. If she did commit suicide or whether Dad had enough and did it for her. He treated her awfully."
"But that couldn't have been easy."
"Not when Dad expected me to take Mum's place. I'm waiting for the day I properly take it. Then I am sure this won't seem so bad."
"Can't you leave?"
"I can't leave my little sister with him. She is 14 and too bloody cocky. She might be his little princess but I am not sure how long that will last if I wasn't there."
"Amanda…"
"I don't need your pity."
"I wasn't going to give it."
"I want a better life, Andy. I just don't know how I am going to get there."
And Andy's silence told her that he wasn't going to help her out of the mess that he had got her in. It was something for her to do by herself.
1990
She would admit that she didn't remember all of her birthdays. All of the 20 years that she had now had on the planet.
But, for Amanda, it was the first time that she didn't feel alone.
Even the people that she was sharing the safe house with seemed to be up for helping her celebrate.
But it wasn't because she was in with a group of strangers that seemed to care about her more than her own family did. The feeling of not being alone was because of another birthday. A birthday where she had lied through her teeth and the last thing she hoped to happen, happened.
And no matter how uncomfortable she felt, she knew that it was something that she wanted to do the moment that the police doctor told her that she was pregnant. Even more so when her first scan revealed that it was twins.
Now she had two people that she would love unconditionally and she hoped that they would love her back. She knew that she had to go after her dreams now. That she had to make a life so that her and her twins would always be comfortable. That they would never have to scrape by. That they would never have to wonder when and where the next meal was coming from.
If only she could get started with that dream.
She was only in the safe house because they deemed prison to be too dangerous to her and with her agreeing to a list of demands that the police wanted from her, she knew that compliance was the only way to go. And, if anything, Amanda didn't mind the fact that her freedom was only limited to the house and the hospital. She could have been let back to be with her dad. And she was sure something horrible would have happened to her two by now if she had been.
But she was more than content lying on her bed, feeling her two already fighting for room in her ever-growing belly (although they might be fighting for room with her organs rather than each other).
She wasn't really expecting any visitors. The only visitors that she'd had was a police officer to take her to the hospital for her checkups. So the knock on her door surprised her. As did the head that popped around when she said for them to come in.
"PC Bell is here," Lauren said.
Amanda knew PC Bell very well. After all, she was the officer that helped her to get into the safe house. But this seemed like a rather random visit.
"How are the little two?" PC Bell said when she entered the room, walking over to Amanda to help her up.
"Fighting for space. I could be halfway there now."
"I thought halfway would be next week. Along with your scan."
"Twins… historically come early."
"One upside then."
"Is this a social visit then?"
PC Bell sighed. "I wish. Andrew Green… he is demanding to see you."
"For what reason?"
"He won't say but he has stopped eating and… he attempted to take his own life a couple of nights ago. I get that you probably don't give a damn but… we would like to make sure that justice is served."
"I can't," Amanda said, her voice wavering and her hand going straight to her stomach. "I can't be alone with him."
"Amanda, breath." PC Bell said, holding onto her arm.
It was only when that was said that Amanda realised that she was having a panic attack. She had never revealed everything that happened to her. It was with time that Amanda realised the reasons behind what happened. She hadn't been told it but it was pretty obvious to her. But just because he had been asked to do it didn't mean that he understood the reason behind it. And that was what she was panicking about. Not necessarily it happening again but that he just wouldn't understand why she couldn't trust a word he said now.
"Amanda." PC Bell said, with Amanda feeling like she was coming out of her thoughts.
"I can't be with him. I can't be with him." She whispered. "He'll make it out to be something else. I know what happened and I don't want him twisting it. And I can't let him know. I can't let him know about the twins."
"Look, I'll be with you. I won't leave you alone." PC Bell hesitated. "I get it, Amanda. You've been put into some horrible situations. But don't you want some justice for that. For them to all pay for what they did. What they force you and others into. He will try again and… next time, I am unsure whether we can get there to make sure justice is served."
Amanda closed her eyes. It was the last thing that she wanted to do but it seemed like she wasn't being given my choice in the matter.
"Look, Amanda, why don't we get you down to the station?" She continued. "Get the police doctor to give you the once over to make sure you are physically well enough. While that happens, I'll find someone else to be there with us. A male colleague. He isn't going to hurt you again, Amanda. Not if I can help it."
It was not as reassuring as I was probably meant to be but Amanda felt like she had to take it.
Amanda was deemed physically well enough to meet Andy. Not something she was happy about. Especially when her 'slightly higher than average' blood pressure was put down to her being pregnant. And as she waited for him to be brought into the interview room, she started to list the things that she could be doing instead.
Like finally trying to work out what she was going to name her twins, making sure that she covered all combinations of what the twins could be (she hadn't yet decided if she wanted to find out the genders at her next scan).
Well, she could easily come up with a list of names she wasn't going to use. The list of boys names seemed to every growing,
Richard, Jake, Daniel, Peter, Andrew (and therefore, Andy also).
She was sure that she would have more names ruined for her in the future. And it wasn't the first time that she hated the fact that she only knew Lawson by his surname. The one name that hadn't been ruined for her and she didn't know it.
Maybe if she did and one of her twins was a boy, then maybe she might have considered having Lawson's forename as the baby's middle name. Or even one of the girls if they were both girls. Just because it would be the closest that they were ever going to get to knowing their father. It wasn't like she was ever going to walk into him again. And it was just another instance of her hating herself and the decision to leave Lawson while he was still asleep.
The door opening made Amanda sit up a little straighter, hoping that the table was going to hide her bump. And Andy looked happy to see her. And she was glad that PC Bell stepped forward to stand next to her when it looked like Andy was going to walk over to her.
"This isn't a social call, Mr Green." PC Bell said.
Her colleague, PI Watkins, sat Andy down opposite her and it seemed like he was waiting for the officers to leave but he seemed to get that they weren't just before she said something.
"Well, they are here for me," Amanda said.
"They don't need to be."
"Didn't they?"
"Of course. Amanda…" He started, reaching out for one of her hands that were on the table. She recoiled and she could tell that it wasn't what he wanted. "What have you done?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"You don't get police protection for nothing."
"Well I told you, didn't I? Last year. This time last year in fact. In confidence. I just need a better life now more than I ever have done."
"So what have you done?"
"What I've always done. Cooperated."
"No. No. No!" He shouted, slamming his fists down on the table.
Amanda had a hard time stopping herself from flinching as he did so. It was one of the reasons why she didn't want to see him. When she was cooperating with him, he was as sweet as pie. When she wasn't, he was just as bad as the rest.
"By the sounds of things, I'm not the only one." She said, trying to keep her voice level.
"I know you're not. I was hoping to speak to you before you did something stupid like this. I've been trying to talk to you for months."
"And, like I've said, I need a better life more than ever now. I'll jump through whatever hoops I need to make that happen. Because, by God, you weren't going to help me."
"You bitch." Andy said, standing up and leaning on the table to get closer to her. "You fucking bitch. You fucking ungrateful bitch. I think you've forgotten who made you."
"You didn't make me, Andy." She laughed, not really knowing why she did as he did look rather angry at her already. "And you blind to it. I thought you had some self-awareness. But I think you are right. You are thick as shit, aren't you?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"They went from outsourcing someone to teach me a lesson to saying that you had to do it. And now I bet you hope that I felt the same as you do. That I would try and help you out of this. I'm not, Andy. Because I don't. And I don't care if I hurt your feelings. Because I don't answer to you anymore."
Amanda wasn't quite sure how she moved so fast but she wasn't going to stick around in the chair as Andy started to move. PI Watkins seemed to catch Andy before he got too close, calling for a guard to help take him away.
"Fuck me," Andy said, his fight leaving him.
Amanda found that she would always have a hand resting on her bump, maybe just to try and help her body carry the weight. There was definitely no denying that she was pregnant. Especially with her being so slim anyway.
"Yeah. Well, you don't have to worry." Amanda said.
"What?"
"I've worked out the dates. There is no chance in hell that they are yours and I am glad that… the punishment you put my body through meant that I didn't lose them. It might seem strange, Andy, but I never blamed you for getting me involved. I got that you were only doing your job. That you went out with the purpose of trying to recruit girls and you just happened to cross my path that night. But the night that you beat me and raped me… was the night you broke me. Not because I had asked you to show me kindness before but for the reason why they chose you.
"Because you aren't good at hiding your feelings. You fell for me. And that is what this has all been about. Because you want me by your side and I can't do it, Andy. The night I should have got that beating I was elsewhere. With another man. A man that I didn't charge because he has done more for me in one night than any other man has done for me. He gave me hope and a reason to better myself. These two are going to want for nothing. Because I am going to give them the world. I will beg, borrow and steal to make that happen. I need this clean slate, Andy. So there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind."
Andy seemed to go silently with that. And Amanda hoped that it was the end of things.
She wasn't to know that it was only the start. That Andy would ask to see someone that had a known grudge against her and that they would plan to get back at her together. That her house arrest would last for longer than she hoped. Because Amanda hoped that everything would have been sorted before the twins were born.
1991
"This isn't how I spent my 21st birthday for sure," Gemma said.
Amanda laughed. "Well, it was a 21st birthday that got me into this mess."
"Sure you don't want to have another shot of finding him?"
"I don't think I will. I have no idea where he is now and I'm just going off a surname."
Amelia was quiet in her arms but, for some reason, James had only just noticed that his sister was getting a little more attention than he was, meaning that he started to make a fuss. With Amelia not being well the last couple of days (where she had the chance to get ill, Amanda didn't know. All she didn't know was that her and Amelia hadn't slept well over the last couple of days), Amanda was a little reluctant to put her down, meaning that she crouched down, hoping that with James starting to show the signs that he was starting to stand up, he would grab onto the collar of her t-shirt, making him stand up slightly for her to get her arm underneath him to hold him as well.
"Do you want me to have one of them?" Gemma said.
"No, I've got them." Amanda paused. "I know. In September, I am going to be at uni so I am not going to be around them all day, every day. I just… It's hard to explain."
"Well if I am going to be free childcare when you are there, then they are going to have to get used to Auntie Gemma, aren't they?" She said, more to the twins by the end. "Or should Mummy go and find Daddy so he can help out as well?"
James started babbling. Amelia stayed quiet and part of that worried Amanda a little.
"Okay, I don't care if I am the overreacting Mum. I'm going to take her to the surgery in town. Something is wrong."
"Do you want me to look after James then? Just so you can focus on Amelia."
Amanda hesitated for a moment before she realised that, at some point, she would have to let them go slightly. She couldn't have done everything she had done had it not been for the flatshare with Gemma. It had meant to be a short-term situation to help Amanda get back on her feet and keep her and the twins out of the homeless shelter but Amanda found herself hoping that Gemma wouldn't mind it if it was for a little longer. Gemma had helped her out so much over the last few months. She would need that sort of support.
"Yeah, okay," Amanda said, handing over James. "Hopefully I won't be too long."
"Well, while Mummy's out, we can get everything ready for her birthday, can't we?" Gemma said.
With Amelia still curled up against her chest, Amanda didn't really think that there was any point trying to get her into the pushchair. It would just be easier to carry her like that. Meaning that Amanda just grabbed her keys and bags before saying goodbye to James and Gemma.
Amanda was exhausted by the time that she flopped onto the sofa, with Gemma pulling on her arm so that she laid down with her head in Gemma's lap.
"I didn't ask, what did the doctor say?" Gemma asked.
"Another ear infection. When I said that it was her third, they looked a little worried while telling me that there is nothing to be worried about. Maybe I do need to try and find a nursery. Just so they start mixing with other kids and start getting their immunity up."
"Is that also what the doctor said?"
"More implied when I said that they hadn't really been around other kids their age. But James seems fine."
"Sounds like a plan for tomorrow."
Amanda could feel her eyes wanting to close but she forced them to stay open, mainly because she felt like she needed to talk to Gemma about a couple of things.
"Gemma, thanks for today. You didn't have to do anything."
"Nonsense. It's your birthday. It didn't look like you were going to celebrate it."
"I wasn't. I never have done really."
"Well, I want to change that."
"Honestly, you didn't have to."
Gemma scoffed. "Will you stop it? You are 21. You are meant to be out there, dancing the night away. Not stuck here with me and two eight-month-olds."
"Nah. As much as I don't like my birthday, this year, I wouldn't want to spend it any other way. And I definitely think I need someone to teach me how to do birthdays right. I don't want the twins to hate their birthday like I hate mine."
"Well, at some point, you are going to have to tell me why you hate your birthday."
"Maybe." Amanda sighed as she knew that she had to change the subject before she said something that she didn't want to say. "Look, I'll try and find something part-time. Something just so I'm not sponging off you. Something that I can fit around the twins and uni."
"Amanda, you're not sponging off me. I'm happy to help."
"You are doing more than just helping. I don't know where I would be right now without you. But I am getting back on my feet. I need to for the twins and I know uni is me looking longer term but I also need to think short term. I need to help you out as well because this just doesn't feel right. I need to start repaying you for everything that you have done."
Amanda watched as Gemma blinked for a few moments before she looked down at her.
"Yeah, well...you are doing more than you think you are."
"How do you mean?"
Gemma looked unsure and it was the first time that Amanda realised that her job of being better than her teachers was going to be a long slow process as she only just saw what Gemma meant before she told her.
"You are currently giving me a reason to carry on," Gemma explained. "I ummm… when I was planning on renting out the room, it was basically to find someone to take over the tenancy on the flat. I don't know why I thought it was my responsibility. I had okay this with my landlord. And maybe it was because I just wanted to know that he wasn't going to lose out. That I would be able to find him an equally good tenant.
"Then you came along, with your nearly a month old twins and needed someone to lean on even though it wasn't what I wanted. I was finding more reasons to give up on life, not ones to put up with the shit world we live in. I believe things happen for a reason and you walked into my life at the moment I needed a reason not to jump off the highest bridge I could find." Gemma sighed. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."
Amanda was more than a little shocked, sitting up slowly and turning to Gemma. It took her a while to process what she had said and what her response should be.
"Gemma… if you felt like you needed to, then it is fine. And if you ever want to talk about it, then I'll listen. And I'm going to look out for you now. Like you've been looking out for me and the twins. Because we can get through this together, yeah?"
"Yeah," Gemma said before she bit her lip. "Sorry. That's put a downer on your birthday."
"Trust me. I've had worst birthdays."
"How?"
"Well... until last year, when I was 19 weeks pregnant… it felt like it was the first birthday that… I wasn't alone. I'm… not used to being shown love. Or affection. Or anything remotely like that." Amanda paused. "And don't want any pity with that. It is my driving force. To be better than my parents to James and Amelia. To make sure that they didn't grow up like I did. To give them a better life. And maybe anyone else that I pick up along the way."
It was the moment that she realised that she needed a friend like Gemma and that she hadn't really had a friend like Gemma before. And Amanda probably would have said that it was the start of something good for the both of them. But that was the only birthday of hers that they spent together. Because, and Amanda knew it well, life wasn't fair like that. And it just felt like another person that Amanda had lost.
1996
It had been five months since Rachel somehow managed to bump into Melissa. The strangeness of how they were in the same area of Sheffield at the same time hadn't really worn off but it was good to have her sister back in her life. Well, maybe it was good to have Melissa back in her life because of her nephew.
And that was what Rachel found herself looking at as she waited for Melissa to return with another bottle of wine. She was watching the cousins as they played together in the sandpit that Philip had. And she found herself smiling as they were deciding how they were going to attempt to build a sandcastle, with Rachel getting them a little bit of water in a bucket so that they could attempt to do so.
"He is going to be trouble," Melissa said as she finally returned.
"Who?" Rachel said, turning to her.
"James. I bet you he is going to be a troublemaker."
"How?"
"Well look at him. I bet he thinks he is a natural-born leader."
And Rachel did. And she thought the opposite of her sister. She felt like he was a natural-born leader. Someone who wasn't going to leave someone behind. That was what she had heard from his reception teacher. That he didn't like it if a kid was being left out and would always try and include them, even if the other kids didn't want him to. She saw it in the way that he was with Amelia. In the way that he was only five but she was sure that he had done a lot more growing up than other boys his age.
"He could be the right kind of trouble though." Rachel said.
"Is there a right kind of trouble?"
"Yes. If the motivation for the trouble comes from a good place. With good intentions behind it."
"I suppose I should ask the question at some point," Melissa said, handing Rachel a wine. "Their father?"
"That is a bit of a… story."
"Like?"
"Like… he was in the wrong place and I was there at the right time to try and tell him. I never told him what sort of bar he was in." Rachel said to gloss over the fact that it all happened while she was a prostitute (something that she hadn't brought up with Melissa after the last time she saw her as Amanda). "Honestly, Melissa, I… I've never had a night like that since. He made me… feel so alive and all these different things that I didn't know about myself. It was, honestly, the best night of my life and the one thing that I regret most is leaving him while he was still asleep. He didn't even have a chance to ask me to stay. Tell me that we could make it work or something like that."
"Wow."
"What?"
"You fell in love, didn't you?"
Rachel flicked her eyes from the kids to Melissa for a moment before she looked back at them. "Meaningful sex is better than unmeaningful. I can tell you that for free."
"Aren't you going to find him?"
"I don't know where to start."
"Well, his name would be a start."
"Lawson."
"As a first name?"
Rachel wondered whether she should correct her or not. There was a part of Rachel that knew that she didn't have the best of relationships with Melissa when they were younger. That could have been their father's fault by having a clear favourite or it could have been in the different ways that they handled their mother's death. Or it could be that they were never really destined to be close as siblings. Their different personalities never allowing it.
"I don't think I am going find him with that, am I?" Rachel said.
"Maybe. Maybe not. You need to get out there to find out."
To Rachel, 'getting out there' sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Probably more because out of all the guys that she had met over the years, only one had left her with the impression that good men were out there. She just didn't attract the good guys.
"I'll think about it."
"Find twins a dad. That is what I am trying to find for Philip."
Now that seemed like a slightly better idea. But Rachel was sure that it was still hard to attract a good guy that will be willing to help her raise two kids from someone else.
"I'll think about it," Rachel repeated.
"I get… I get that our youth wasn't the best. But we can make up for it now, can't we? We can start afresh, can't we Mandy?" Melissa's eyes went wide as Rachel turned to her. "I mean, Rachel. Can't we Rachel? Sorry, still getting used to it."
"Of course we can." Rachel said, not wanting to dwell on Melissa using the wrong name. "Everything is in the past. I've moved on. I hope you have as well."
Melissa might have smiled at her but Rachel was unsure about whether her sister was actually being genuine or not. Rachel had never been able to work Melissa out when they were younger. Just because Rachel knew that she wasn't the same person didn't mean that Melissa had changed either.
"Well then, Happy Birthday Rachel," Melissa said, tilting her glass towards her.
And Rachel had almost forgotten that was the reason she was even there. She tapped her own glass against Melissa's before she turned back to her children and nephew. Because they were the reason that she would give things with Melissa a chance. Because the cousins deserved to know each other and be in each other's lives. Because, given the chance, Rachel would have found more reasons to walk back out of Melissa's life again. Because there were more than enough.
2000
When Rachel met Robert, she let out a sigh of relief. She thought she'd found another good man. One that was prepared to raise the twins as if they were his own. One that would give the twins some fatherly love (something that Rachel felt like they needed) as well as being someone that she could lean on and rely on.
It meant that, for once, she found herself with more reasons to keep the relationship going than not to.
Part of Rachel had always wondered why her mum stayed with her dad. For as long as she could remember, her dad had always been harsh to her mum, whether that was because of something she had done wrong or just that he just wanted her to tend to his needs. Rachel always hoped that if she found herself in a similar situation that she would get out before it got too bad and before the twins realised what was going on.
A simple thought like that wasn't so simple once Rachel found herself in that similar situation and she wondered whether that the slow, small changes that Robert made to himself and the way he treated her was the same way that her dad changed with her mum.
She definitely was looking for a way out and it was when the last thing that she wanted to happen, happened. Had Robert not come into the bathroom before she had a chance to discard the pregnancy test, then she would have kept it a secret. Used it as a reason to get away from him properly. Or she would have been strong and gone and got an abortion just so that she didn't have anything tying her to Robert.
Yet Robert found out not long after she did, coming into the bathroom not long after she had found out the result. And he had been ecstatic. His whole attitude changed. And Rachel didn't know whether she still wanted to be around when it changed again.
If anything, she had more of a feeling of emptiness now than she thought she would have done if she had an abortion. She remembered feeling massive when she was 25 weeks pregnant with the twins. She hardly felt pregnant with their half-sibling. And with her body still carrying that weight, even though her baby left the world way too early, Rachel felt less inclined to celebrate her birthday. The emptiness consuming her.
But maybe that wasn't the only reason for the emptiness. Maybe the other reason was because her brilliant boy wasn't himself. Maybe she worried that things were happening behind her back. Maybe she worried that James had become her while Amelia had become Melissa. Maybe Robert was showing one side to James and another to Amelia.
"Are you alright, love?" Rachel said, running a hand down James' arm.
"Yeah, yeah. Fine." James said.
Rachel knew that James wasn't a very good liar and she suspected that was the reason why he couldn't look at her. She wasn't going to lie and say that if James told her right there and then that she would grab him and Amelia and walk out of the house but she knew that she would do whatever it took for it to stop. Maybe that was something that her mum had done as well.
Amelia almost skipped into the room and it filled Rachel with some joy that one of her children was happy. And Amelia's happiness was, at times, so infectious. It was something that Rachel wished that she would never lose. That Amelia could, even on the bad days, bring a smile to her face.
"Happy Birthday, Mummy," Amelia said as she handed over the present.
It was only small and badly wrapped but Rachel more than appreciated the effort. Even more when she saw that it was one of her daughter's artworks. 'An artist in the making' was what their teacher had told Rachel when she had got to their parents' evening (glad that they had the same teacher so she could kill two birds with one stone). If she wasn't already insanely proud of them, Rachel was sure that comment would have given her a reason to be as well.
"We were learning about the First World War. And well, we wear poppies to remember them. I know we didn't know them but I thought it would help." Amelia said.
Rachel held her hand out for Amelia to take, pulling the nine-year-old towards her when she did. A kiss instantly landed on Amelia's cheek and whether the sentiment was there or not, Rachel adored it. How could she not?
"Thank you, darling. I think we will have to go out later, won't we? Go and get a frame for it. I know exactly where it can go on my desk at work." Rachel said.
Rachel was certain that James was about to hand her something (something that she would end up reading eight years later) but he seemed to change his mind when Robert joined them.
"I-I-I've left your present upstairs, Mum. I'll just go and get it." James said.
"You told me that you had it," Amelia said.
"I must have put it down."
"Why don't you go and get it then James?" Rachel said, trying to stop an argument from breaking out.
"But Mum, he said he had it. Otherwise, I would have waited until he had got his before I gave you mine." Amelia said.
"Amelia, just leave it. Okay?"
It was clear that it was the last thing that Amelia wanted to do but James did go and get whatever he had done for her. A hand down Amelia's back seemed to cure whatever distress she had and it did make Rachel start thinking again. Thinking about how she couldn't let this continue. She had grown up in a household like this. She didn't want the twins to do the same. She just didn't know how to actually solve the situation that she was in.
"I-I couldn't find an envelope," James said as he handed her the bit of paper.
Like Amelia's artwork, Rachel loved seeing the creative side of James and the words that he could produce. And a poem wasn't really what she expected to read but it was what she had been given. Not that she cared what it was. If they had taken the time and effort to actually produce something for her, then she would treasure it forever.
"I think we need to go and get two frames now, don't we?" Rachel said before she pulled James closer to her to place a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you."
Robert may not have said a word but Rachel felt like he looked uncomfortable by the affection that she had shown James. If anything, it was one of the things that she had been noticing more recently.
And it was strange how she wished that Robert would say that he was too busy when they went out later to get the frames. Because there were only two people that she really wanted to spend her birthday with and they were her two brilliant children.
"Don't you think he is a little old now?" Robert said.
"What for?"
"You, kissing James."
"No. Not really."
"Rachel, he is almost ten."
"So?" Rachel said as she turned to him.
She hadn't really wanted to look at Robert, the night that he threw her down the stairs and the night that James' suspicions that something wasn't right were confirmed playing in her mind every time she looked at him. Maybe that was just another reason to get herself out of the situation she had found herself in.
"So," Robert said. "What the fuck do you mean by that?"
"He is my son, Robert. And I want him to know that I love him."
"There are other ways of doing that than kissing him."
"It was his cheek."
"So?"
"So they are my children. I will show them love whichever way I deem necessary and you'll just have to accept that."
"You are going to fucking embarrass him."
"Is that what he has told you?"
"I was nine once, Rachel."
"So was I."
"That's different."
"Why? Why is it so different? Is the difference because I am a girl and you are a boy? Is that what we are getting at here? So it is okay with Amelia but not with James. Don't you think that I do it because I want him to be different? That, at some point, he will naturally shy away as will Amelia. But that will be his choice to do so. I regret separating them. Making them sleep in separate rooms because others thought that it was weird for them to still be sharing at five. They are nine and there are times that they sneak into each other's room when they think we are asleep.
"I want them to know that I love them and that they can show that openly. I don't want it to be like… some secret. I was James to be an… emotional boy. One that will wear his heart on his sleeve a bit and will always be open. I want him to be like his father. I want him… I want him to be a gentleman. And this is the way that I am choosing to do it. I don't care whether you like it or not. I am going to do it regardless of any outside pressure. Because they are my children and I know what is best for them."
"Is that a dig?"
She shrugged. "It can be whatever you think it is, Robert."
Rachel was tired of it all and she knew that he was going to react. It is weird how she had become so emotionally detached from whatever Robert would do. That him holding her face in his hand, having her up against the wall, his body pressed up against hers, meant nothing. She wasn't even scared but she didn't have the fight that was once in her. Maybe she had finally become that submissive that Andy would have wanted.
"You fucking bitch." Robert sneered. "You fucking ungrateful bitch. I have played dad to two children that aren't even mine and you throw it all back in my face. It was your fucking fault that we lost ours. If we didn't have to wait another month to try again…" He let go of her. "Maybe I now know why you were a prostitute. Because no one is ever going to love you, are they?"
Rachel wished that being told that no one was ever going to love her hurt. It was more upsetting that it didn't. That she hadn't been told that anyone loved her enough times that she had already accepted that no one ever would.
And that was the horrible thought that she closed her 30th birthday with.
2008
There were some lessons still going on. There had been some mock exams that had gone ahead in place of the actual exams being cancelled.
But James refused to go to school that day.
Or the couple of lessons that he had that day.
He knew where he had to be.
He had to be by her side.
He hadn't been there when she needed him most. So she needed him even more now.
Sitting in the chair next to her bed, James couldn't really stop himself from reaching out and slipping his hand into his mum's. He was sure that she would have loved to have seen it. He could remember the look on her face the first time that he refused to hold her hand. It was like a little part of her died before she accepted it. Maybe it was a moment that she was waiting for. The moment when he would shy away from her like his friends had done with their mums. He wished that he never had done. He now wished that he could always hold his mum's hand.
"Happy Birthday Mum. I know you don't like your birthday. And I wouldn't like to say that this one is going to be any better than the rest. But Happy Birthday anyway." He said. "I'll have to get you something when you wake up. I don't quite think that flowers will last if I get you some now."
He wanted something to happen. He wanted her to react, even though he knew that she was still on the drugs that were keeping her in the coma. He wanted to be the one to bring her out of it. He hadn't got her out of the fire soon enough. He now had to bring her out of this.
"Come on, Mum. Just think of everything that you have gone through. This can't be the thing that beats you. I still need you. I know I don't act like it at times but I do. I would be so lost without you, Mum. I wouldn't know what I would do without you." He hesitated. "I guess that it would have been the same when Grandma died. I expect you felt lost. You and Amelia are the only two people that I trust wholeheartedly. I can't lose you."
James wanted her to squeeze his hand, to tell him that she had heard what he had said and that she wanted to come out of the coma to be with him. And he knew that he had been many things in his lifetime but, deep down, he knew that he only wanted the best for his mum. He wanted the best for the strongest woman in the world. The woman who had too many bad things happen to her. This was just another thing to add to the list.
James' birthday wish for her was for her to wake up.
Amelia knew that her dad didn't have to bother but she enjoyed the fact that he made the effort to go and get her mum flowers for her birthday. It was what she was sketching, just to make sure that her mum did see the display that he got her.
The lack of response from her mum was starting to become equally worrying and frustrating. Amelia could tell that every week that her mum was kept in the coma was another week of James being weird and jumpy. Her dad told her that she was reacting the same but, then again, Amelia had decided to use her dad as her anchor to the world. The person to stop her from doing something stupid. The person to catch her if she fell.
Bearing in mind that they had only known their dad for nearly eight months (six of them with confirmation that he was their dad), he did seem to be taking everything in his stride. Especially when she was overthinking what could happen. He was quite a rational presence in her life.
"Just so you know, Dad's been great. I think his more laid back approach to life makes him a more rational person." Amelia said. "Maybe they are right. Maybe opposites do attract. Maybe he is the Yin to your Yang."
She knew that James was especially frustrated when he spoke to their mum and she didn't respond. Amelia wondered whether it had something to do with him not getting their mum out sooner.
Amelia, if she was being honest, didn't mind that her mum wasn't really responding to what she was saying to her. It would happen. Amelia always held onto that hope.
"And I think it is helping me as well. We've kept up our running and I can say that Dad looks great for it. You might not even recognise him when you wake up. Although he keeps moaning about nothing fitting him anymore. I just think that is a good reason to go out and do some shopping. Get him some new clothes." She paused. "But he has been this calming influence. I thought I might fall, Mum. But I think he has been holding me up, stopping me from doing so. James is still dragging his heels. Your son is a bloody idiot, isn't he?"
Amelia paused as she looked down at her sketch, knowing that she had now got the outline and the details done, she just needed to add the colour, something that she was planning to do at home. With her taking a photo just so she could remember the colours, she closed up her sketchbook and placed it to one side, making her full attention be on her mum.
"Happy Birthday, Mum. Another strange one. Although, I think you might have liked this year. With Dad and him doting on you." Amelia tried to blink away the tears. "He is such a romantic. And I hope I find someone like him. That I'll find my own Lawson. And don't worry. We will do it for you this year. Make your birthday wish. I've got one in mind. About you and Dad and James and me. Michael as well. All as a family."
Amelia did have to wipe away the tears and it was about the same time that her dad returned after getting them a drink. James wasn't with them as he had been down to see their mum earlier in the day and refused to be anywhere near their dad for the last couple of days. If anything, Amelia suspected that he would be in a bad mood. He hadn't really been a joy to be around. He might be thinking the same about her but she felt like her giving him the silent treatment was for a good reason. He was just being an idiot.
"Hey, it will be okay." Her dad said, placing a kiss in her hair.
"Mum doesn't like her birthday."
"Why?"
"She won't say. I think she has just had too many bad ones. Maybe she will class this one as her best yet. As she is completely unaware that it is even happening."
"Well, that is now logged."
"Logged?"
"Yeah. Because next year, we are going to make it the best birthday she has ever had."
"And how are we going to do that?"
"I don't completely know yet but I am sure I can come up with something in the next year."
And as much as Amelia was sure that whatever her dad had in mind would be her mum's worst nightmare, she knew that she would be willing to help him out. Because giving her mum the best birthday that they could sounded like a very good idea to Amelia.
2009
The alarm going off wasn't really as welcomed by Rachel as it would have normally had been. It had felt that way for a while now, with it seeming that nothing was going to come between her and Eddie again and the fact that lying in bed with him seemed like a better option than work (something that she never thought would happen).
Eddie was the one to move, leaning over her to hit at the alarm, getting the button after a couple of tries, before he snuggled back into the embrace that they found themselves in. Rachel was awake but still dozing, keeping her eyes closed. She thought that Eddie was the same until he started to press kisses to her neck, causing her to wake up more by extending her neck so that he had better access, allowing herself to become lost to the sensation.
"Happy Birthday, Rachel." He mumbled, his grip on her becoming tighter as he started to show her the type of wake up that she was going to get.
"So you found out."
"Hmm. I've got something planned though. Amelia mentioned that you didn't like your birthday but I am going to change that."
"How?"
"That is for me to know and for you to find out."
"You know I don't like surprises."
"Yeah, well, these aren't 'everyone is going to know' surprises. They are going to be little things. Things that I want to do for you."
"As long as there are no grand gestures."
"I'll get you there. One day."
Rachel wanted to argue but that seemed to die in her throat as Eddie expertly took her mind off what they were talking about and what he was currently planning on doing before they got out of bed.
"Is this the first part then?" Rachel said.
"19 or 39. I am sure I can still make you feel the same things."
And Rachel was so glad how true that statement was.
"Delivery for Rachel Mason." The man said as he entered the antechamber.
Rachel turned from Joyce to see what the delivery was, the sigh and smile coming at the same time. It had to be from her ridiculous boyfriend. And she might have studied the flowers a little more if it hadn't, to her, felt like a big gesture. Having flowers delivered to her at work was a big gesture that she didn't want.
"Yeah. That's me." Rachel said, having to take the flowers off him.
Rachel was sure that she stared at the flowers longer than the man was there and as she turned back to Joyce, she could see the smile on the other woman's face.
"Special occasion?" Joyce asked.
"I don't think that Eddie would need a reason but it is my birthday. And please don't say it. I'm not a big birthday person."
"What about the twins?"
"All out for them. Lots of fuss for them. I just… don't like the fuss. Like this is too much from Eddie. I didn't want big gestures."
"I don't think it is a big gesture. I think it is a lovely one."
Rachel wished that she could have stopped herself from rolling her eyes but she took the flowers into her office, examining them slightly. The sunflowers were the ones that stood out the most, which was probably making the bouquet look bigger than it was. There were some roses and other flowers mixed in with a bit of greenery as well.
She knew that the reason why the twins refused things outside of their birthday and Christmas was to do with her not being able to accept gifts. Maybe because there was a time where she didn't get any and, therefore, it felt foreign to her to accept any gifts. Even when they were meant to be given.
"Umm, Rachel. This letter." Joyce said, making Rachel bring her attention back to the room.
"Yes. Of course." Rachel said, hoping that the box that the flowers were in would be enough to keep them standing for the rest of the day as she placed them on the table and returned to her original position of dictating a letter to Joyce.
"Ooh they are lovely," Kim said as she entered her office.
"I know. I've just got to get them home safely now."
"What has he done then?"
"What has who done?"
"Eddie. He must have done something for flowers like that. Unless…"
"Don't say it." Rachel said.
"Happy Birthday."
"I said not to say it."
"I'm sure there are still enough people to go for a drink."
"Kim, no." Rachel said, standing up from her chair thinking that she might have to go after Kim. "I don't really do my birthday."
"Why not?"
"I don't like the fuss."
"Well, that looks like fuss," Kim said, gesturing to the flowers.
"Yeah, I know. I hate to think what the house is like with the twins being off school and work." Rachel groaned. "I bet they have this whole plan. Eddie said that he was going to change the fact that I don't like my birthday. I'm going to hate it."
"I think it is rather sweet."
Rachel did wonder whether there would be a day that she would look at a gesture like Eddie had done with the flowers and found it sweet like everyone else did. It was clear that the other 38 years of her life had shaped her in some way and not in the right way.
"You got them then," Eddie said, with this massive grin on his face.
"Yes, thank you." Rachel said, walking over to him and giving him a short kiss. "What you said this morning."
"I know. I know. But this is only the start."
"Not to sound ungrateful…"
"Hey, listen to me," Eddie said, gathering her up in his arms. "The twins were game with my plan and I believe you deserve every single thing that we have planned. Not only that… you deserve to enjoy your birthday. So can I dote on you for the one day that is made for me doting on you? Because if I can't dote on you on your birthday, when can I dote on you?"
"Can you see where the twins get it from?"
"You, Rachel Mason, still have a lot to learn. I just hope I'm a great teacher."
And she knew that was what she had been missing all her life. Someone that would be with her because she is her. And that was the great thing about Eddie. That they now had sorted everything out and she couldn't afford to let go of him again. Because he was the only person that could help her push away all the self-doubt and self-criticism. He could make her feel good about herself and he was never going to put her down, only try and raise her higher than she had already climbed herself.
"Go on. Enjoy your evening." Kim said, with them breaking their embrace so that Rachel could take the flowers off of her.
Rachel was sure that she wasn't but that was only going to be a private thought.
"Feeling spoiled yet?" James said as he dropped down on the sofa next to her.
"More than. You didn't have to go to all this effort." Rachel said.
"Well, you are worth it."
"Still."
"Still nothing, Mum. If you are staying with Dad for the long term, this is something that you are going to have to get used to. I think he wants to do more but he knows that you aren't going to accept it. Come on. How many times do I have to tell you that you deserve Dad's love?"
"That doesn't mean that he has to go overboard."
"Flowers. A bracelet. A takeaway. I don't think that is overboard, Mum. I think that is normal."
Rachel rolled her eyes and she was still trying to see it all as a nice thing. There was just something stopping her from doing so. Maybe there was still the whisper in her mind that this could all still go wrong. That all these nice gestures from Eddie would fade and turn into nothing. That they could either break up or Eddie could turn into her dad and Robert. It was probably more likely for the first one. Eddie didn't seem like the type of guy to turn into her dad or Robert. But that meant that Rachel wasn't used to the type of guy that Eddie was.
"Saving the best till last," Amelia said, sitting on the arm of the sofa to hand her a present.
"From you two then?" Rachel said.
"Of course."
Rachel had learnt, over time, not to be apprehensive over the twin's gifts. She learnt to accept them both willingly and wholeheartedly. So there was no doubt in her mind about taking the gift off Amelia and unwrapping, something that she was sure that Eddie would have seen and she would have to tell him that she would do the same with him one day. The twins were nearly 19 years old. It had probably taken her the best part of a decade to accept their presents.
So the locket felt like a brilliant gift. Even more so when she opened it up to find out that they had already put two photos in there. The photos of them on their first day of school with James being on the left-hand side of the locket while Amelia was on the right. The same side they were on when Rachel took the photo.
"We thought about a more up-to-date photo but as we have left school… well going onto uni, we thought that it was best to have it where our journey began 14 years ago," James explained.
"And so when you wear it, we will always be with you," Amelia said.
"Thank you." Rachel said, pressing a kiss to Amelia's cheek first before turning to James to do the same. "I love it."
She found herself leaning forward, offering the gift to Eddie for him to see the photos. Because it was a time that he had missed out on. He had actually missed out a lot when it came to the twins.
"At least we know that paternity test was right. Jamie does look a lot like Michael here. Same cheeky grin." Eddie said. "Amelia has it as well."
It made Rachel want to get out all the photos that she did have of them and finally show Eddie through the twin's childhood but maybe that was a job for the weekend. Not nearly nine o'clock at night on a Thursday evening.
"I will get there, Eddie." Rachel said as they snuggled in bed.
"How do you mean?"
"Accepting gifts from you. It… has taken me the best part of a decade to get used to James and Amelia doing it. As you know, I never used to get that sort of attention. A card seemed like I hit the jackpot when I was younger."
"And maybe I went a little too far a little too soon. I just… I want to love you, Rachel. I want to do things because I know they will make you happy."
"And maybe I shouldn't sound so ungrateful."
"Maybe I need to remember that baby steps work better with you."
It didn't take much effort for Rachel to kiss Eddie and she was sure that she could make it more if she wanted to. But there was just something else that she wanted to mention to Eddie before they ended the day the same way they started it.
"Remind me to get the photo albums out at the weekend. I think you need to see the twins growing up." She said.
"More school photos?"
"And photos of the awful holidays that Melissa would drag us on. And birthday pics. You might not have seen the twins grow up naturally but I can give you the last 18 years in one hit. I think I have an album of all their school certificates as well. And sporty ones for James."
Eddie smiled widely. "I would really like that."
"Now… can we finish the day the same way we started it?"
Rachel knew that Eddie's answer was in the way that he moved them so that he was hovering above her and she couldn't stop the giggle that fell from her lips. And she hoped that, one day, she could accept more from Eddie than just sex. That their relationship could be more than just how they could make each other feel in the bedroom.
But Rachel could safely say that it was her best birthday yet.
2021
As the years went on, Rachel found out her favourite ways to spend her birthday.
She would always want to wake up next to a man that she held some much love for and to start the day by reminding herself of the way that she did fall in love with him.
She used to care if her birthday was on the weekend. She didn't anymore, relishing in the ways that Eddie would dote on her over the day if it was at the weekend because the anticipation that a school day would now bring was, sometimes, too much for Rachel.
And she loved to spend the day surrounded by family, with the twins always making their way home, with Michael joining them for the occasion as well now.
And that year was no different, with her sitting out on the patio as the twins, Philip and Michael arrived, enjoying the evening sun that was still keeping the heat of the day going into the evening.
Never, ever would Rachel have thought that she would have been so content about celebrating her birthday but she was. And, sometimes, she started counting down the days. Just because she could. Just because she wanted the excitement. Just because she wanted to know what Eddie and the twins had planned.
In all of the years that had gone by, Rachel had never been so content in her life. And she wished that it would always be that way.