Expedience by TwoDonkeys
Murdoch had such high hopes that his sons would grow up together but he would not fight Harlan for Scott's trust.
He should have asked for a picture. Harlan might have given him that much.
I suppose I should thank Harlan for the brief glimpse I did get of my son.
He'd been almost speechless: a bumbling fool standing frozen and empty-headed in Harlan's parlor. Murdoch could still feel the touch of that five-year-old hand in his own... to no good. He had to let it go as he'd let Scott go.
Katherine's family thought she was daft to marry me. Perhaps they were right. Scott was born: she died. I left Scott in their hands. Period.
Even if Harlan died before Scott reached majority, Scott would be taken care of. The lawyers had told Murdoch it would be costly and time-consuming to fight Harlan's guardianship.
Spread on the desk before him lay all Murdoch had left of his family: two pictures of Katherine and one of Maria.
The ambrotype showed a young, demure Maria. Murdoch couldn't believe she had it in her to rebel as she had. Paul had brought rumors from Morro Coyo: she'd been seen in the company of a gambler. For whatever reason, she'd left Lancer and had taken Johnny with her.
Murdoch had been short-tempered after returning from Boston. I had a right to be. Working from before sunup to after sundown helped ease his frustrations. I love this ground more than anything God ever created. The land yielded to his will, though the creation of every good blade of grass gave him yet another gray hair.
Scott would be well-cared-for. Perhaps someday...
Scott's getting to be a big boy. Soon he'll be able to take care of himself.
I can't base life on wishes and dreams. They had a ranch to run. Paul and Cipriano would watch over Lancer while Murdoch left to search for Maria and Johnny.
Maria's picture fit in the palm of his hand. Beneath that plain exterior lay a passionate woman. She'd calmed Murdoch's shattered heart: picked up pieces he never thought to carry again after the loss of his first wife and firstborn. Together, he and Maria continued to build Lancer. I thought Maria felt secure and content here.
Johnny's birth meant a second chance for Murdoch to be a father. Holding and taking care of Johnny became bittersweet: it showed Murdoch what he'd missed with Scott. It made him yearn to retrieve his eldest and make his family whole.
Why did Maria leave? Had she found Lancer to be too lonely a place, even with Johnny to take care of? Speculation is useless. She'd seemed happy and had encouraged him to make the trip to Boston.
He placed Maria's likeness at its spot in the corner of a desk drawer.
He'd failed to bring Scott home. Now he needed to focus on finding the rest of his family.
Already the vision in his head of his eldest had faded, except for one detail: Scott looked like Katherine.
No matter what Paul said about returning to Boston again, Murdoch needed to forget about fighting for Scott. The past was in the past. Katherine was gone: he'd not get Scott back anytime soon. Murdoch must face facts. Harlan would never let his grandson go.
Murdoch couldn't fight on two fronts. He had to pick the one closest to Lancer – the one he had the best chance of winning.
Murdoch slipped the two pictures of Katherine into the drawer: one likeness a painter's fantasy, giving her the darker hair then in style for portraiture; the second the only photograph he had of his beloved wife, who'd slipped into ranching life with an ease he still found amazing.
A photograph of himself with Scott existed only in his imagination alongside "what ifs" he could not erase about the way Katherine died and what had happened next.
If only...
I should have...
Now he had more regrets. No one will get an apology from me! He'd done the best he could. Maria should have said something. He couldn't fix or change things he was unaware of.
I want no favors from Harlan or anyone.
If I meet Scott once he's an adult, we'll be strangers to each other. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe it isn't.
I tried.
It's past. Bad or good, right or wrong, it's past and gone. I have to think of now: what's happening out there! Maria gone who knew where with Johnny. Murdoch had to find them.
He pushed the chair away from the desk and stood.
The Great Room clock chimed: one, two. Murdoch shivered. The fireplace held nothing but cold, dead ashes. Morning will be here soon. There was hardly a reason to go to bed with so little time left before he had to leave. Still, any rest would help him stay alert while tracking down Maria.
Murdoch hesitated at the foot of the stairs. The clock ticked loud in his ears. He returned to his desk and slid the drawer open. He removed the photograph of Katherine: the memento Harlan left behind in Carterville. It took up too much space. He needed to put it somewhere else.
He took the photo to his bedroom and placed it on the bureau. Her eyes followed him across the room. He couldn't take the scrutiny and buried her face-down at the bottom of a drawer full of shirts.
Scott's safe in Boston. The lad would not remember meeting the man Harlan had introduced as "a friend of mine."
Scott has his mother's eyes.
I tried. I tried.
The End. July 6-8, 2021