"Tikki, what's wrong with me?" Marinette demanded. Hot, angry tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked to her Kwami for some ounce of reassurance. "I'm not in love with Chat Noir! I can't be! Not after all this time trying to bring Luka back."
Her Kwami hovered next to her, just at eye level. "Are you listening to your head or your heart?" she queried, giving Marinette an expression of glaring inquisition.
Marinette punched at the ground. "I don't know! I don't know! Nothing seems clear anymore! It's not just… I don't feel.."
Marinette hiccupped, letting out a little giggle. Tikki floated back, her round blue eyes widening with loyal concern for her holder. Marinette lost herself in a fit of nervous laughter, her back arching over as she howled.
"It's not—hiccup—black and white—hiccup—anymore, Tikki!" Marinette wearied. The sobbing eased into silent weeping. The sound of laughter disappeared as Marinette got a grip on herself. "When I see Chat Noir, it's different now! It's not the same as it was. And I hate him!"
Marinette wrapped her arms around her body. "I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!" she screamed. Tikki did nothing but gaze at her holder in unease.
Marinette let out a shuddering gasp, the last tear leaving her eyes. She rocked herself steadily.
"Are you okay, miss?" she heard a voice. Marinette let out a sharp yelp as she saw someone clad in black on her balcony.
Marinette straightened, not getting up from where she was sitting on the ground. "What are you doing here?" she hissed at Chat Noir. She hadn't invited him. He was intruding. He came here unwanted.
Chat Noir stared. "I'm a superhero," he said. "It's my job to make sure all of Paris' citizens are okay."
Even me? Marinette's traitorous thoughts queried. Your enemy?
He doesn't know I'm his enemy, Marinette thought back angrily. She mustered up the strength to stand up and glowered up at the blonde hero.
"I'm fine," she snapped scathingly. "Leave me alone."
When she eventually summoned up the courage to look into his eyes, she found worry there. She hated it. She hated him. Why couldn't he leave her alone to her invasive thoughts?
They'd be more welcome.
"You're not okay," Chat Noir said, as if it were the plainest thing in the world. "And that's okay! I'm here if you ever need me. I'm someone you can talk to if you're ever upset."
Marinette scowled. "I don't need your help," she growled, half to herself, dropping her gaze to the floor. It was true. His presence alone only made her feel worse. He was the problem. But…
If he stuck around longer, she might snatch his miraculous. She'd make the wish. She'd be in love again. She'd set her mind straight on Luka, where it was supposed to be.
But what about my heart?
Marinette felt her knees quiver. Trembling again, she dropped to the floor. She felt Chat Noir's hand touch her shoulder.
"Hey," he whispered. "You don't have to tell me what's going on, but just know that—"
"I think I like someone," she whispered. The words felt different coming from her mouth. It was just a thought, wasn't it? It didn't have to be true.
She could almost feel Chat's frowning expression on her. "You think?" he inquired. "Why's that such a bad thing to you? I could've sworn I heard you screaming when I was passing by."
Because that someone is you.
Marinette shook her head. "It's a bad thing because I'm also in love with someone else. And I lost him. Years ago. But I'd do anything to have him by my side again so we could be happy again. Anything."
Chat Noir looked understanding. "And you don't want to move on," he murmured, and Marinette nodded. Then she shook her head. She really didn't know why she was feeling how she was. With the quick realization that she was dropping her guard, Marinette quickly pulled it up again.
"You can't help me," Marinette snorted, wiping her eyes. "What do you know about love, anyway?"
Chat Noir flinched. "More than you'll ever know," he muttered vaguely. Marinette blinked, faintly curious despite herself. Distracting him from herself would give her a chance to take his miraculous.
"I'm listening," Marinette insisted, a little too vehemently. Chat Noir smiled and relented.
"You see," he explained, "I'm in love with someone I really shouldn't be in love with. Someone I should loathe. Someone I should want to stay away from forever."
Marinette gazed at him, surprised at how similar their situations were. "Really?" she whispered. "Who?"
Why was she asking? It wasn't like she cared.
"Ladybug," Chat Noir replied. Marinette felt something jolt through her body and shot straight up. Her eyes practically bulged out of her sockets as she stared at him. She felt incredulous, shocked. Angry.
Impassioned.
What?
"You—" Marinette stammered. "You're in love with Ladybug? Why? I mean, why her? Why would you love her? She's selfish! She's a villain! She's…" Marinette trailed off glumly, her shoulders drooping. She knew she was being demeaning of herself, but that didn't make the truth in her words any smaller.
Chat Noir grimaced at her. "I know she's a villain. But whenever I fight her, I can tell she has a motive. Not a selfish one, either. When she speaks, I can hear her impatience… her desperation. She's hurt, and she wants something. I, of all people, know how that feels. And she wants to use my miraculous with hers to get it. But she doesn't realize that wishing isn't the only way to get what she most despairingly desires."
Marinette felt her heart thrumming in her chest. "But what if it is?" she breathed.
Chat shook his head. "Whatever she's feeling, if it's grief or loss or failure, she needs to know that there's always another way."
Marinette reached out and clutched Chat Noir's hand, her fingers sliding ominously down towards his ring. "But why can't you just give her your miraculous?" she implored. "Is all the fighting worth it in the end?"
Chat Noir looked into her eyes. "Yes," he said. "If Ladybug made the wish, there'd be a terrible disaster in exchange. Nothing is worth taking that chance. Nothing at all."
Marinette dropped his hand, pricked. "You must not understand her as well as you think then," she hissed, quiet enough so he couldn't hear her.
She would be patient. She would be merciful.
She took a pace backward. "I'm tired," she announced. "I'm going back inside."
She turned around, leaving Chat Noir alone on her balcony. He lingered there for a little, and moments after, Marinette's head popped back through the trapdoor.
"Also, eh, Chat Noir!" She cleared her throat. "Thank you."
Marinette gave him a smile through gritted teeth, hoping he'd see it as genuine. Maybe if this kept up, he'd keep arriving at her balcony (not that she wanted him to). He'd fall into her trust trap. She'd steal his miraculous.
"You're welcome," Chat Noir replied, giving her a warm smile.
Maybe she could wait on that a little longer, too.