BUCKY'S POV

THEN

Bucharest. Christmas Eve. 10:00 PM

The crunch of snow under my boots was oddly satisfying. Such a soft feeling sounding so loud on this quiet street corner. The dark roads were well lit by the lamps overhead, and the strategically hung Christmas garlands twisted around rusted poles. The adorning lights glistened in between the red flowers, while bright shop windows lining the streets beckoned; luminous and inviting.

I took a few steps closer to the shop nearest to me and tugged on her hand, a silent request to follow me over. Pulling her closer to me and wrapping my arm around her waist, she leaned her head on my shoulder. So warm. "We could try it like this next year" I gestured to the display. Colorful trees stood behind the store's window display decorated with glass ornaments of gold and silver. Maybe she'd like that. "Mmm" she replied, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek. Her lips were cold, but I didn't mind. I wish she'd do it again. We pulled away as I adjusted the scarf around my neck and continued forward on our walk, our bodies still so close together. Something nice to hold onto.

Children with their parents in tow ran past as they trudged through the deep snow. She laughed as she watched them stumble by. Such a lovely sound. My eyes lingered on the couples holding hands and kissing under the heart shaped strings of light. I felt a pang in my chest, but I did my best to ignore it, squeezing my hand a little tighter around her waist. It's okay. We're okay. As we approached my apartment the savory smells coming from the street vendors were so inviting, that I couldn't help but linger.

"Steve said he's preparing the full Christmas dinner experience. Turkey, gravy, and even plum pudding whatever that is. Best not to spoil our appetite" I said smiling. My mind flickered to the memory of that man on the bridge. Yeah, that's his name. Steve. My train of thought was quickly interrupted by a voice to my left. "Take this son," It was an elderly man in the food truck beside me. He reached out the window and handed me a cup of steaming hot chocolate. "Something to keep you warm tonight. On the house." I gave him my thanks and turned my head to the right. Back to her. Empty.

I breathed out a deep sigh. The illusion was over, I had snapped back to reality. There wasn't anyone there. There never was. It hurts.

I dragged my feet the rest of the way home, pretending to ignore the laughter and joyous shouting of everyone around me. My coping mechanisms were faltering. I didn't want the loneliness to creep in. Not again. Not tonight. Can't I just have a break?

I took another sip of the hot chocolate as I entered my small apartment and took in my surroundings. Cold, dark, dreary. No decorations or festive feelings. The dim light bulb hanging from the ceiling casting shadows around the room. The small 12-inch Christmas tree sitting on the kitchen counter I had bought with a smile no longer provided any of the warmth I had intended it for. It's such an empty feeling. I lay down in my small bed in the corner facing the wall, and pulled the covers over my head, hoping my tears wouldn't soak the fleece of the soft blanket.

NOW

New York. Christmas Eve. 10:00 PM

The crunch of snow under my boots was always such a satisfying sound. The dark night sky was sprinkled with twinkling stars, an advantage of being farther away from the city. The Avengers compound was well lit with festive decorations hanging around every corner, preparing everyone for the coming holiday.

"Barnes!" a voice shouted from across the grounds. Looking over I saw one of the SHIELD agents I work with waving at me. He was with some other men trying to carry their drunken friend down the road. I think they were singing. I waved back with a chuckle. Friendly guy.

I made it inside the building just as the snow started to come down. As I stood in the elevator my mind couldn't help but wander to the memories of last Christmas. So lonely. So much pain. The dull ache in my chest quickly subsided when I pushed open the door to my apartment. Taking it all in, I was overpowered by a swell of emotions. There was a scent of something delicious baking in the oven. God yes, she made cookies. The roaring fireplace illuminated the living room where a big tree stood in the corner lovingly decorated, while Christmas music played over the radio. So much time and care had gone into dressing up our home for it all to come together for this night so perfectly.

And then there she was. My beautiful Y/N, wearing some adorable red pajamas. Precious. I hang my coat up and kick off my boots as she finishes on the phone, "Okay sounds good, we'll see you later. Bye." When her eyes looked up to meet mine her face lit up with the brightest smile "Hi baby!"

"Hi doll," I replied as I wrapped my arms around her and leaned down for a sweet kiss. I savor the moment and pepper little kisses all over her face. I had to take a deep breath. My heart is so full. I took a step back, "Every time I look at you, I think I fall a little more in love" I say as I brush some hair behind her ear. I could feel her face getting warm, eyes burning brightly. "Bucky, I love you too." She kisses me again. This time a bit softer, a bit gentler, like she's trying to make sure I believe her. This time I do.

She pulls away, "Uhh, also Steve just called. He's bringing over some fruitcake." I scrunch up my nose in confusion, "Why? He doesn't know how to make fruitcake." Y/N gestures to the kitchen table where a slightly, understatement, charred turkey roast sat in a metal pan. I tried my best to suppress my laughter, "Aww babydoll, it looks edible!" She curled her bottom lip into a pout while I tried to hide my smirk. So cute.

That's when the doorbell rang. When I opened it, Steve was standing in the entryway with a ridiculous grin on his face, package in hand. "Take this Buck," he says as I let him in. I turned my head to the right. Back to her. There I saw Y/N laying plates on the table. Thank God.

After the food had been eaten, goodbyes had been said, and Steve's fruitcake was shoved into a cupboard, we grabbed our cookies and nestled into the couch. I draped a blanket over us while Y/N snuggled into my chest. Perfect. As Elf played on the TV, I stroked her hair softly and she hummed pleasantly in response. Never had I imagined that I would have made it this far. To be accepted and cherished by people who cared about me. Even the thought of it feels too good to be true. Halfway through the movie I realized Y/N had fallen asleep. I nuzzled my nose into her temple and pressed my lips against her cheek. My girl.

I knew she couldn't hear me, but as water filled my eyes, I had to let her know. With a whisper I brought my lips to her ear, "Thank you for loving me doll, I couldn't have been luckier." I'll make sure to tell her again in the morning.