Talk your heart out, it's good sometimes.
Summary: Jane has been through a tough case and Red John seems to not leave him alone. With a little angsty stuff going on, Lisbon and Jane find a little moment of connection. Fluffy and cute. Somewhere mid-Season 5. A very minor spoiler to the last season.
I initially wrote this as a complementary chapter to my previous fic called Dangerous thoughts. But then I decided against it, this particular story has a different storyline that I wanted to honor by giving it a separate space. I do recommend reading it after the previously mentioned fic, puts some things into perspective however it is completely readable as a standalone fic too. Hope you like it :)
I'm attaching the link to my previous fic here, not sure if it will work. Keeping my fingers crossed.
s/13969437/1/Dangerous-Thoughts-The-Mentalist
Thank you so much to all those who leave reviews and encouraging comments. I read all of them, multiple times too I'll admit. I'm learning to navigate the site and am trying to figure out ways to reply to all. Heartfelt thanks to all.
Talk your heart out, it's good sometimes.
He tried sleeping to his favorite dreamless state but he couldn't. He was anxious. It was a tough case after all. Three young kids were murdered from the same family. The murderer was caught and he admitted to having killed the kids just for fun.
No vengeance, no motive, no grudge, nothing at all. He did this, just because these 3 innocent kids were conveniently present there and he felt like doing it. FOR FUN. Jane felt sick to his core.
Normally he was immune to seeing dead bodies, courtesy of working in the CBI as a consultant. He tried to keep the gloom when visiting a crime scene and avoided talking to the family of the deceased but this particular case was difficult.
His biofeedback mechanism seemed to not be working. He couldn't get the image of those young kids sprawled across the floor with blood dried out of their slitted necks. They had been carelessly dumped as if they never mattered to anyone. Some people never understand what it means to lose a child.
He needed fresh air, he decided. He could feel the ceiling closing in on him. He left the attic and came downstairs.
It was empty except for Lisbon. She was working overtime again. He felt a pang of guilt. She was doing paperwork, because of him. He had pulled a little stunt to catch that cold-blooded bastard, he didn't regret catching him or his way of catching him. What he regretted was troubling Lisbon for it.
She was in her cabin as usual and had her blinds partially drawn. He could see the faint glow of the lamp beside her, creating a faint silhouette of her sitting on her desk buried in files.
He thought back to another time when he had seen her like that. That time felt years ago. It was maybe. These years had been tough. Everything had been simple then, better than this time. He would spend more time lounging on the sofa.
He still remembered how he had been bored that day, and boredom had led to dangerous thoughts about a certain brunette. His thoughts would revolve around her more often then.
No Red John lurking behind his every move. He had his moments of bliss back then.
Red John, the man who destroyed everything he man he had sworn to kill.
He suddenly felt all his strength draw out of his body. He felt so lifeless and tired. It was at times like these, those dangerous thoughts paved the way in his heart and brain. He felt drawn to her, like a moth craving the light source. He wanted nothing but to be near her and talk to her about anything and everything.
He knocked at her cabin door only to be greeted by a frown. She was predictably in a ton of paperwork and a strict deadline, she didn't appreciate the interruption.
But then she took in his appearance.
Now that she could really look at him, she was painfully reminded of the unhealthy amount of time he spent in his attic brooding and plotting against Red John. He looked like he hadn't slept in days.
He didn't even come out of the attic for normal cases, anymore. He rarely did; only if the case was challenging enough. Maybe this one was way too challenging, she thought sadly. She couldn't even imagine what he might be going through.
He had tried hiding his emotions when he heard the killer's motive. He had succeeded a little but now it was very evident. The fact that he was standing at her cabin door looking disheveled, was screaming his need for her company.
She immediately smiled and asked him to come inside. He gladly followed the suit by returning the smile sadly. He sat in front of her with her eyes keenly trained on him.
He wanted to say so much but he just didn't have the strength. He felt so tired. He just wanted to rest his head on Lisbon's shoulder. Nope, that was the wrong territory. She would freak out. Or would she? Jane idly wondered.
He thought of ways he could take the worry out of Lisbon's eyes but all of them meant explaining himself. He wasn't ready for that yet, he was just so tired. How long had it been since he had slept for more than 4 hours at a stretch? He felt his eyes droop. He let them shut when he felt a familiar warm hand guiding him to the sofa in the cabin.
Aah, this sofa is so much more comfortable than the makeshift bed in the attic, was his last thought.
With that oblivion took over Patrick Jane.
He woke up to find Lisbon sleeping with her head down on her desk. The pose looked quite uncomfortable. Her back might be hurting her, he thought. She must have slept waiting for him. He felt guilt twinge at his heart.
He looked around. It must have been really late because the janitor had left the keys of the bullpen door beside her arm, hoping she'd find them after she woke up. He glanced at the wall clock. It was 7:00 pm. The entire building must have closed by now, except for the ground floor for the night shift.
He tried getting up from the couch and failed, he was way too comfortable. Reluctantly, he sat up and tried waking Lisbon.
She woke up with a jolt and tried to remember why she was here at this odd time.
The scene was really comical, Jane had to admit. She just looked so cute with untamed hair blinking fast to remember where she was. He couldn't help but look at her affectionately.
Her eyes landed on Patrick Jane and all the thoughts came rushing back.
Right, Jane was tired but needed company. She couldn't leave him and felt so sleepy seeing him sleep. She had decided a little nap wouldn't hurt her, guess she was wrong about that.
Jane was staring at her all this time. She felt a little red tinge rising on her cheeks. To Jane, this was the most adorable thing he'd seen after so long. He felt an undeniable urge to pull her beside him. He gathered all his courage and patted the seat beside him. She looked confused for a moment due to her sleep fogged brain but then caught up and sat beside him.
She sat close. Way too close. The dangerous thoughts were back. Uh-oh, this was bad. He felt an urge to rest his head on her shoulder again. He couldn't do that, right? Would she mind? He felt a surge of courage and then he did what he wanted to for so long.
He gave her a sleepy smile and laid his head on her shoulder. Her heartbeat hitched. She could feel warm and snuggly Patrick Jane beside her resting his head on her shoulder. It felt the most natural thing to him after a long fight with his own demons. Affection flew through her and she manipulated their position such that her hand rested on his back. His head was on her shoulder and hers on his head. They stayed that way for some time, neither of them moved.
She broke the silence first.
"Jane, want to talk about it?"
"Can this wait for a little while please?" he pouted.
She moved her hand from his back to his hair and softly ran her fingers through them. It seemed fair since he had initiated the first contact.
"This feels so good" he hummed in response.
It took them a while before any of them moved. Being the sensible one, Lisbon finally shifted putting some distance between them.
She could feel the loss of heat and regretted doing that. It was then she realized she missed him so damn much. He had been so distant lately. Their only contact was restricted to just meeting at crime scenes. He had ditched all the after case pizzas and their small visits to O'Malleys. She missed him. She missed him so much. So damn much.
It was very evident in her eyes, the pain. He needed to be there for her like she was for him. All of this just didn't affect him, it affected her too.
"I'm so sorry Lisbon, I didn't mean to cut you or the team out. It's just that..." he took an audible sigh, "...it's difficult for me nowadays. I'm so close to finding Red John and I can't afford to miss anything at this stage"
She nodded in agreement, "I understand that Jane, but it's important to give yourself breaks."
"You isolated yourself from all of us. It wasn't healthy for you. We tried explaining, even I tried, but you wouldn't listen." She almost felt angry tears spilling out of her eyes.
He looked vulnerable. Eyes heavy and moist. He was suffering, all of them were. Realizing her misdirected anger, she sighed and continued, softly this time, "Anyways, it's never too late. You want to talk?" Lisbon inquired in her motherly affection.
He was struck by her kindness and nodded. He realized he had let go of his facade for over some time. It felt good. It didn't feel like she was judging him. It was just like those lonely nights when he would talk to Angela about anything and she would listen and understand him. He felt loved by Lisbon.
This woman was incredible. She knew how to express her concern without overburdening him. How many days had she spent worrying about him? He had been so obsessed with Red John that he forgot about the people who cared about him. He needed to make up to the team. But most importantly her.
"But before we do that, we need to eat something dear." Lisbon made a face.
He chuckled and continued, " If I am guessing right, you didn't even eat your lunch properly. (He had to guess because he hadn't been paying attention. Not anymore, he'll make up for it) Come on, let's go to the diner. They have the best eggs and coffee. You'd like the coffee, trust me."
The thought of coffee made her loosen her resolve. Lisbon reluctantly got up, he helped her in her jacket and held his hand for her. She didn't question why he was leaning for physical comfort so much and he was relieved. Talking about the situation was difficult but manageable. Talking about his feelings, on the other hand, was terrifying, he was battling so many emotions right now that his feelings towards her were the last thing he wanted to talk about. At least now.
His grin grew even larger when he realized she didn't leave his hand. He picked up the keys and guided her outside. They locked the main door and deposited the keys with the night staff.
Jane offered to drive despite Lisbon's protests. She eventually gave in and settled in the car. He reluctantly let go of her hand and drove them quickly to the diner.
They settled in a private booth at the corner. The new setting was so vibrant from the warm mystic glow of the cabin. He hesitated a little. Lisbon had never thought she would see Jane actually hesitate about anything. He looked vulnerable and probably wanted to stall her as much as he can, but she knew this would harm him in the long run. She sighed.
"Talk your heart out, it's good sometimes" she suggested and he listened, surprisingly. She muttered a heartfelt thanks to the heavens for that.
Jane tried talking to her about how much the case affected him and how tired he was of Red John haunting the daylights out of him. She calmly listened to him occasionally reaching for his hand and rubbing his knuckles soothingly.
The dinner arrived and they soon fell into a peaceful silence. After dinner, they stopped for ice cream at the local dairy.
It felt so alleviating to Jane. The routine felt so normal and comfortable. He looked at her eating her chocolate chip ice cream cone with so much enthusiasm. He almost laughed seeing her expression when a kid bumped into her, causing the already melting goodness in her hands to fall on the ground. If expressions could murder, the kid would have been attending his 7th funeral. After all, he had been on the receiving end of it, many times. He felt sympathy for the poor child, but then it was quite funny. She looked like a kid whose favorite toy was snatched from her hand. She looked really adorable.
He felt affection overcome for this cute brunette and felt a familiar warmth in his chest. He moved closer to her and enveloped her in a big bear hug and squeezed her tightly.
She was still in remorse for her fallen ice cream when he suddenly embraced her. It took her some time to adjust to the sudden affection but then returned the gesture by wrapping her arms around him. They stayed like that for some time. They returned to their familiar banter after a couple of minutes. Everything was good again. They were Jane and Lisbon after all.
If anyone tried to keep track of who started the familiar banter between them, there would be no one solution. From the outside, it would look like a couple indulging in harmless banter that quickly turned to flirting. On the inside, Jane knew they had grown stronger.
Lisbon liked the chocolate flavor more than strawberry was a little surprise and he filed this little information in his brain. Little did he know it would come really handy during Lisbon's pregnancy years later.