Author's note: This is a story I wrote some time ago, but since I have some free time on my hands, I decided to repost it on ffnet too, instead of keeping it all on Ao3 only. I am pretty sure I will do the same with the rest of my stories today, that's the only reason the updates wil be quite frequent. Thank you for all the support you have given me on the last one though, it is highly appreciated. This one, unlike 'The plates in the elevator' is a one shot, just so I could clear any possible confusion.
Invading my mind
She's thinking about him.
Again.
She tries stoppping herself...she tries so hard to think about something else and to - to focus on something else - to focus on something other than him.
But she can't.
It seems as if she can't even control her own mind anymore, her own thoughts... No matter what - he always ends up back in her head.
She loves him. Even - even after all this time she really, really loves him. She can't stop herself.
It's just the way it is.
He was an ache in her heart and gut, he was always there, and by now - Lexie was starting to think that he would always be there.
At this point, she would even consider getting a shrink who could help her with getting him out of her head.
She knows that - he will always be in there...somewhere, no matter what. She loves him that much so...she can accept that.
'Somewhere' she can deal with.
But this constant barrage...this constant assault on her mind...This - this she can not deal with.
Lexie Grey heaves a sigh, shaking her head.
She's leaning down against her own arms onto the nurse's station, trying to come in terms with herself. Or rather-trying to come in terms with her thoughts.
A drop of sweat appears on her temples and, although it seems impossible, her frown gets even deeper.
She spent a lot of time reflecting on the past couple of months of her life. Yes, she thought about Mark, a lot - but, also about the life she has been leading...that life -without him.
She is pathetic. She knows. She knows just how pathetic her feelings and - and her - actually are. She came in terms with that.
Pining after your ex as if it is some kind of life - death situation.
Exactly.
Pathetic.
But, yet again - she misses him.
She misses...everything about him.
Even the stuff she hates.
She misses it all.
Every single time her mind wanders off to him - to what they used to be - there is this silent, unbearable - ache in her heart, just awaiting for the right moment to explode.
And the saddest part of it all is...she sees him - every day. And every day, she has to be reminded of the fact that he isn't hers. Not anymore. She can't look at him the way she used to...she can't hug him the way she once could. She can't be herself around him anymore...not like before.
She misses him, more than she even thought was possible.
Lexie lets her eyes fall closed as she takes a steadying breath. Even her own, silent thoughts make her jaw clench and her body tense. She forces herself to calm down, to relax. She inhales deeply, repeating the thought. But still, she can't find that "off" button for her brain. She can't figure out a way for the constant pain of knowing that she might have lost him forever go away.
She used to feel this way right after they broke up, but now - now it's all the time. She can't escape him. She dreams about him, thinks about him, misses him...and she knows that there is only one thing she has to do in order to make herself not feel the way she feels anymore. She knows. She knows exactly what she has to do, but - it doesn't mean that she is ready to do it.
Tell him.
Tell him what you feel.
You know that you love him, you just have to tell him that.
She thinks to herself.
He fought for you so many times. It's time for you to try and fight for him too, for once.
But it's not that simple.
Nothing is ever simple, is it?
Everything is always so hard between them.
Everything is always so complicated.
So at one point, she gave up. She - she had to. She felt hurt, betrayed, sad...Back then, all she could think about was how much he hurt her. How much pain he caused her. He made her feel upset, disappointed...he made her feel alone. And he didn't do it just once. He did it twice. So what else was she supposed to do?
She had done the only thing that made sense at the time. She did what, at the time, felt right.
She told him...to let her go.
"I love you...and I am always gonna love you - But I don't want to love you, I wanna be happy."
So, for the love of god - if he hurt her that much...then why does she still love him?
"And if you keep pulling at me...I'll come back to you..."
Why does she miss him as much as she does?
"I'm letting you go Lexie - that means you should...walk away..."
Why is he still, the only one she can imagine spending the rest of her life with?
Well...There's a reason why everyone only has one 'love of their life.' There's only room for one. Any more, and it doesn't work. And if you play your cards right, take your chances with hope, and have faith, maybe that person will walk beside you for the rest of your life. But if you don't...you might even be able to lose them forever.
He's your soulmate.
That's why you still love him.
That's what keeps you going.
That's the reason he can't leave your mind.
She tries to remind herself.
He's the one you are supposed to be with.
Him.
Not anyone else.
He's the one you are supposed to end up with.
She knows that she won't be able to share something like that with anyone else. With no other person. What she felt for him...what she still feels for him- it's special and it's rare. It's unique.
And - that's a reason enough...to fight - Right? To...to get him back - isn't it? Because...he's driving her insane. Just like he always has. First with the lust she had to repress, then with the love she didn't know how to express, and now with the heartbreak she is certain she'll never move past.
Not unless you do something about it.
She reminds herself for the millionth time, catching a glance of April Kepner smiling at her as she walks past with charts in her arms.
And what if it's already over?
The question of the century.
The one that's stopping her from babbling out all of her feelings. The one that is standing in the way of Lexie telling him everything she feels, everything she regrets...and telling him about everything she longs for.
What if he doesn't love me anymore?
What if I am too late?
What if I lost him...for good this time?
It's the fear.
The fear is what's stopping her. The fear is what is standing in her way.
She has to get over it. She has to do it - sooner or later - but it's not as easy as it sounds.
She lost him before. She has. This wasn't the first time her heart was shattered in something that felt like a million tiny pieces - but, it was different back then. Back then - there was still some hope left for them. There was still a chance. A chance for them to start over, a chance for them to try again and actually make it work.
There was still some hope left.
They still had a chance.
So...is there actually any hope left for the two of them this time?
Standing there, twiddling her thumbs and tapping her feet, she tries to distract herself. But, of course - trying not to think about something, always makes her think about it even more. She exhales angrily through her nose, wishing that there was an easy solution. But, of course - there isn't one. It takes time. But - the clock was ticking. She knew that, with every minute that passed, she kept losing him, little by little.
That had always been their problem; time. Time was never on their good side. First, he was too old and she was too young. Then they were at different stages in life. And then Mark's daughter and grandson came into the picture, too much, too fast, too young. Time, time, time. More than anything, she wants to take that time back. More than anything, she wants more time.
But she was running out of it.
He has Julia now.
Her heart breaks at the thought.
He has her...she is the perfect one. She is - exactly what he needs. She is what Lexie is not...or at least who she didn't use to be, back when they were still together. She is different. She wants his kids; hell, she'd probably marry him right on the spot if he offered.
But - no one she'd ever been with—no one—had ever loved her like she knew he did. He didn't even need to say it—she just knew. And that was the way it was supposed to be, wasn't it? All those stories about true love and undying devotion? It's isn't manufacture or created or cultivated... It's just there.
Lexie Grey forces a breath through her lungs, trying not to panick as she feels the tears start to come on. She quickly wipes them off, remembering the fact that she is still standing on the ICU floor, surrounded by dozens of people. It is a quiet evening, but - she can't allow herself to breakdown in the middle of a shift.
A moment later, there was a crunch of gravel behind her, not the kind of continuous noise of you'd get from a rolling car, but the defined short crunch of a footstep. Then came another crunch, this time lighter and slower as if the maker of the noise was trying to be quieter, to sneak up on her perhaps. The man approached her, grabbing a chart from one of the nurses, grinning at her as if in a simple 'hello' matter.
Of course it's him.
She tells herself silently.
The universe is really trying to make my life more miserable by the hour, isn't it?
"We meet again..." Mark tells her was just something about them bumping into eachother these days.
"Hey..." she tells him casually, trying not to stare as much as she has the urge to. She barely moves a muscle. She can even hear her heartbeat and her own, uneven breaths.
She swallows roughly, forcing her head up. Automatically—and against her will—her eyes find him. She can't see his eyes from this angle, but she can see his whole profile. And it nearly takes her breath away. She knows it's stupid, after all these years, to still be so bowled over by his physical appearance… But she can't help it. With the exception of Jackson (or maybe without), okay yes, definitely without -he was the handsomest man she'd ever been with. The eldest, the most experienced… She almost blushes for a moment, thinking of all he'd showed her their first night together… And how much more they'd both learned about each other the many nights after.
He was the most loving, too, she realizes with a pang a moment later.
Their eyes finally connect, and she can't help but let a small smile escape her. She tries, but can't pretend that being as close to him as she is at this very moment doesn't make her happy. Because it does.
"By the way..." he starts rather nervously, turning his body completely towards her, as if trying to tell her or ask her something important "It wasn't me, was it?" He questions, his deep voice making Lexie's skin stand on edge.
"W-what?" She stutters, trying to focus on the previously said words and exhaling deeply as she does so. She didn't understand what he was trying to say, making her feel as confused as ever.
"That split you two up..." he starts carefully, referring to Jackson "The fact that Avery and I are working together and the - the fact that you...have to, well - see me all the time." He asks, trying as much as he can not to hurt her again. He knows that he had done enough before - he doesn't intend to make her feel as bad as he did a couple of months ago. She deserves to be happy...he can't be the one standing in the way of her happiness.
Mark then approached her a little more, settling his hand on hers, allowing their fingers to touch. Lexie's heart began racing as she felt the affection she hadn't recieved from him in months. It has only been a slight touch, but after all the time that had passed since they were able to feel their skin against each other - it felt even more than perfect.
"I mean.." he continues "I don't make you uncomfortable...do I?" He asks quietly. Lexie notices the silent pain regulating in his deep blue eyes, as if he's hoping that he hadn't done something to hurt her... again. As if he's trying his best to - protect her, in a way.
"Oh...no, no, no...I..." she stutters, still feeling brainwashed by the hand that hasn't left hers for even a second "You...you don't." She tries to assure him.
He tries not to take notice of how beautiful she looks. But that's hard to do when there's that wide of a smile on her face. His returning one, he's sure, is the same size, if not even bigger.
"Good, because...this is nice." He tells her with a smile "Talking to you...I miss it..." he let's her know with such genuine honesty - honesty that can be seen just by the way he's looking at her.
"I miss you..."he adds a moment later, making Lexie feel her breath stop. She feels her heart go wild. And she only half-hears him as he continues, still hung up on that single, beautiful phrase.
"I - I miss you too." She manages to breathe out, a slight smile showing up at the crincles of her eyes, as the corners of her mouth slid upwards.
The image of her was captivating to Mark...she was - beautiful.
Lexie takes a minute to think. Maybe...maybe it was time. It was time for her to tell him because - he missed her and that - That meant something, didn't it? Maybe...maybe there was something more hidden behind that tiny confession. Maybe - after all...there was still some hope left for the two of them.
Okay.
She inhales deeply.
Here we go.
"The reason that - Jackson and I broke up..." but he doesn't let her finish.
He starts talking again, correcting himself about asking her something as private as that in the first place.
"You know - we don't have to talk about that. It's really - it's none of my business, forget I asked." He tells her quickly, trying to brush off the fact that he crossed the line, and shouldn't have asked about it in the first place.
"We can...be friends..." he let's her know - but even the sound of that little word, makes her heart stop beating for a moment, pain overwhelming her immediately "Who don't talk about that stuff...ever." he finishes, allowing her to notice that he didn't want any details. The two of them were - not together anymore, but - it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt him to think about the fact that she is dating other people now...even if he is trying to do the same.
Lexie just nods, too numb to make out any appropriate answer.
Silence spread out quickly. It was like a beating heart being ripped from someone's chest. One second beating, the next silent and still. They have a hard time making or keeping any eye contact. Mark notices the awkwardness and without a word - he moves away from her, noticing the awful situation he just put them in.
Lexie sighs, showing a disappointed look on her face, realizing that she had just missed another chance she had in admitting everything.
And now he'll leave.
He'll leave and she will feel horribly, yet again. He'll leave her standing here, totally dumbfounded by everything, just wanting the ground to swallow her so she can disappear and never show up on the face of Earth again.
But in the last moment - he turns around and tries to make out another conversation, not wanting to leave her the way he just tried to.
"But as your friend - if you're not over him - you should tell him...Because, seriously - you guys were great together." He tries to sound as comforting as he can, not knowing how hurt Lexie felt by hearing those words.
He thinks that I love Jackson.
He thinks that I am not over him.
But I am...I...I never even loved him...
Then he leaves her standing there - his words engraved in her mind.
"What was that?" Derek Shepherd questions his best friend, after having the privilage of witnessing one of the most awkward conversations he'd ever seen, without even being able to hear a single word.
"Nothing...just - " he sighs, trying to compose himself "I wanted to talk to her and...I ended up saying something I really shouldn't have said I - god I'm an idiot" he groans aloud, wanting to punch himself in the face if he could.
"What did you tell her?" The neurosurgeon asks again, intrigued by what he was about to hear.
"I...I told her...that I missed her.." he tells him quietly, looking away, trying to focus on something other than the judging gaze his bestfriend was giving to him.
Sometimes he thinks he made that up. There's no way she actually said it. But then he recalls the way she smiled, the way her eyes lit up, the almost relieved ring her voice had…
"Mark...Don't you have a girlfriend?" He asks about his best friend's relationship status, thinking about the fact that it is rather inappropriate to tell your ex, possibly the love of your life, that you miss her if you are still involved with someone else and are in a committed relationship.
"Had. Past Tense." He corrects, slamming his body onto a nearby chair.
The sudden answer had confused the neurosurgeon. He had no idea about any of this.
"Woah - When did that happen?"
"About a week ago - we're..." he hesitates "not together anymore."
"What happened with you two? I thought it was going pretty well." Says Derek, more curious than ever. He had been talking to Lexie about everything she feels for a while now...Something as big as this can help her a lot - make her say what she feels without any obstacles standing in her way.
"It's just - I don't know." He starts calmly " It...It was good - really good, but - it wasn't what I wanted, really...It was time for me to step up and - and ask her to move in...I told you that before, but...I wasn't doing it because I wanted to, I was doing it because I thought it was something I was supposed to do and I felt like...well, like it was the right thing...but I didn't want that. I didn't want to move in with her and when I looked into the future she...she was never in the picture, I don't know - It's just...It's complicated." He sighs again, playing with a random pen in his hands.
Derek laughs "It doesn't really seem that complicated to me."
"What?"
"Oh Mark, please." He scolds him "Don't pretend. You broke up with your girlfriend a week ago and then here you are now, telling Lexie that you miss her" Mark keeps looking at the ground, not wanting to admit anything "- and those plans...Those plans you had, they were always reserved for one person. And even if you got together with Julia, and it felt right, on some level - those plans would always stay reserved for another person, am I right? You chickened out. You didn't want Julia to get a life - a life you wanted, when that life was never intended for her." He tells him, throwing some kind of a big lecture right in his face "As I said - not complicated."he laughs it off in the end, knowing that everything he had just said was nothing but the truth.
"I...have a surgery." Mark reaches up, putting a hand over his eyes.
Pretty quickly, Mark was on his feet again, and was on his way out of the room.
"Oh wow, how brave." Derek calls back "Running away from the truth, is it? It won't solve anything, you know?"
"There's nothing to solve, Shepherd." He yells at him, not even turning his head back to look.
"You know - If you keep telling yourself that, you might convince yourself that you are right. Which you are not. Mark - talk to her.." but his best friend was already at the far end of the hallway. Derek knew that he did hear every single word of his anyways, even if he would deny it later on. He just hoped that the man would get some courage back and that he would step up and fight for his happiness. The same thing he hoped for his little sister in law.
Those two were idiots.
Soulmates.
But idiots.
They had to get their act together.
"I miss you."
His words are banging in her head. It was like a dangling error that sucked out all of her attention.
"But if you're not over him - you should tell him."
His voice was the only thing she could hear.
She thought about what he said...a lot. She analyzed every single word. And she made her decision.
She did.
But now - that decision had to be put into action.
And that...would take a little bit more of convincing.
When she squeezes her eyes shut, she can still see him. The way they were both trying to reassure each other of things that barely mattered…
I don't make you uncomfortable do I?
She groans quietly to herself, pinching the bridge of her nose.
It was time for her to tell him. Mark even told her himself. He was the one who finally gave her the courage she needed. He made himself clear. If she was not over him - she should tell him. Yes, maybe he was referring to Jackson, thinking that Lexie still had some unresolved feelings when it came to him, but - it's still the same thing, right? She loves a man and - that man deserves to know. He deserves the truth. The one thing he doesn't deserve though...is living in a lie.
He deserves to know every single detail, everything she had been feeling for months and months behind, but had been trying to shove down and hide deep inside.
It was time for Lexie to take some action in redirecting her fate.
She takes a few moments to mentally prepare herself. She knew, very well, that her feelings might not be returned. He had every right to move on from her, to find happiness, to create a beautiful family. But that isn't going to stop her. Not this time. It was what was holding her back before, but now - the only important thing is for him to find out about what she feels. For him to hear her say it.
Lexie rushes across the room, pulling open the door of the hospital room she was in and letting it fall shut behind her without another word. She feels a proud smile take place in unless than a minute, as she makes her way towards looking for who she is intended to find.
"Hey Mark?"
Mark Sloan turns around, surprised to find Lexie Grey directly addressing him, for the second time today "Yeah?" He asks, feeling a smile tug at the edges of his mouth just from hearing her voice.
"I, uh, I was wondering…" He watches, amused, as she stumbles over her words nervously. But a second later, her voice has evened out and her words are determined. "What are you doing later?"
"Later?" He repeats, dumbstruck.
"Yeah," she replies, not at all put off by his surprise. She knew it would be her best asset. "I was wondering if we could maybe, get a drink? And talk," she adds, a half-nervous smile flitting onto her face.
"Talk," he repeats, staring at her.
"Yeah," she replies. "Talk." A suggestions slips into her smile a moment later. She takes only a small step towards him, but to anyone watching, it's clear that she's invaded his personal space. And he let her do so without a second thought. "I was thinking about what you told me today - about...telling Jackson how I feel and - well,it made me realize that I - I really need to talk to you...about something."
"You realized - what exactly?"He wonders, letting his eyes run over her.
"Yeah, you know…" She pauses momentarily as her tongue darts out to wet her lips. Mark tries not to view the gesture as prelude to erotica, but of course once he thinks it, the idea is out there. He forces himself to push those thoughts from his mind and focus on her words. But that doesn't help much.
"Will you please just...meet me at Joe's - later?" She smiles, looking down before flicking her eyes to look up at him.
"Later?" He repeats dumbly, feeling his blood pressure skyrocket and her proximity. Somehow she's moved even closer without his notice. The navy and bright blue fabric of their identical scrubs is almost touching "You want me to meet you, later?"
"Yeah - maybe at around 10? I just - what I have to tell you...and talk to you about it's - important. So...please?" Her eyes flicker to the floor for just a half-second before returning to his. Her dark gaze almost bowls him over with all the unspoken emotion behind it "Can you?" She finishes quietly, her eyes locked with his.
He stares at her, mute, for almost an entire minute. As the seconds drag by without a word from him, Lexie feels her confidence growing. He isn't running away.
"Okay then. I guess...I'll see you later." She smiles once—secretly, to herself—just as she's about to leave. After speaking for one last time, she walks away without another word, leaving Mark to stare after her and watch her go, speechless and frozen.
Her words play over, again and again in his head—and hers—as they part ways. Lexie's smiling as she goes, forcing herself to keep her cool and stare straight ahead, no matter how much she'd like to look back and see his reaction. Just thinking about it makes her insides twist with excitement and nervous fear. Yet she doesn't stop smiling.
It takes Mark two more minutes to remove the cotton from his ears. It takes him another minute to unstick his feet from the floor. And it takes him a good, concentrated ten minutes to make his blood to pump to all of his extremities, not just the one. But even after all that's done, even after his body has returned to "normal"… His brain hasn't. Every syllable from the relatively short conversation he just exchanged with her is still bouncing around in his head…
She wants to see him. To talk to him.
He might have gotten his hopes up, but...who wouldn't after such a conversation.
Shepherd was right.
Lexie is the reason.
He thinks about her for the rest of the day. His mind is never far from her face, her body, her actions, her words… Her. He focuses on her so intently, he barely notices how much time has passed since she approached him in the hallway. But when his last surgery of the day comes to a close, he glances down to his watch, just out of curiosity. It's almost ten.
She said to meet him in half an hour.
He feels a smile spread over his face just at the idea, already heading to the doctor's longue. He changes quickly, switching out of his scrubs and back into his street clothes as if in a daze. He makes his way down a few blocks to Joe's in no time, his mind distracted all the while.
It's only when he sees her—looking up as the bell on the door announces his arrival when his previous smile spreads into a wide grin.
"Hey, you." Mark begins, straddling the bar stool next to hers and motioning Joe for a scotch.
"Hi..." She greets him, as she gives him a small smile.
"So..." he starts again "What did you want to talk about?"
"Well...it's something I wanted to tell you for a while now, I just - I didn't have any courage to come and talk to you." She traces the drops of condensation on her bottle of beer, oblivious to his surprised stare.
"Oh..." "Well...what is so important then?" He asks,taking a sip of his drink.
Lexie spares him a small smile, but doesn't answer. Instead, she studies her surroundings, taking them in all their unchanged glory.
"Do you...remember what you told me today? About...telling Jackson how I feel..."
Oh...so that's what she wanted to talk about.
Mark thinks to himself.
Again, he hoped for too much.
"Yeah, yeah...I remember..." he answers, keeping his gaze on his own hand holding the scotch.
"Yeah well...first of all, I don't want to get back together with Jackson. He - he had every right to break up with me and...that relationship didn't mean much to me so...yeah..." Mark couldn't deny that he was bewildered by what she just told him, but he tried not too show too much of a surprise to her.
"Oh...I guess, me telling you to tell him how you feel was...a waste of time then?" He asks, a little disappointed about why he came to talk to her in the first place.
"Well...not quite." Suddenly, she just doesn't care anymore. Suddenly, she's more desperate to be close to him than scared of the rejection he might offer her.
"What do you mean?"
"I told you that there was something I need to tell you, Mark. I'm not done yet."
He attempts to force his heart to stop trying to beat its way out of his chest. I miss you too. I miss you too. I miss you too. He plasters his usual smirk on his face as he stares at her.
"Well...how long do I have to wait for you to spit it out already?" He jokes, trying to get the words to come out.
He notices how it seems like she can't help but smile back. "I said it was something I need to tell you, not that it's something I want to tell you. I mean I do want to I just...god, it's complicated."
"Just tell me, Lex. I won't judge. Promise." Lexie stares at him. She feels the world around her freeze, fade away
He's here, Lexie realizes, and it hits her all of the sudden. On some level, he might want this too.
She feels like crying or laughing or… She bites her lip, forces the hysteria down, and stares into his eyes.
"I'm still in love with you, Mark."
Mark Sloan feels his breath stop moving on its way to his lungs.
And instead of the world twisting sideways, instead of having everything he'd ever known turned upside-down at her confession… Everything is righted. With those six words, everything returns to its assigned place. All at once, all over, he feels—
"You are?"
She's about to nod—he can see it in the tilt of her head, but instead, she stops mid-gesture and simply replies, "Yes." He can't remember a time where she sounded more confident, more sure of herself.
"Really? You are?" He pauses to breathe "H-how long were you trying to tell me this?
"For...a couple of months. I mean...Jackson broke up with me because I was - well, still in love with you. I know it's so..sudden and you probably didn't expect it, but -" she pauses for a moment, inhaling deeply "I just had to tell you Mark. I - I had to...I had to get it off my chest and I...I needed to do it." He feels warmth flood his body when a small smile turns up her lips.
"And...I couldn't say it for so long. I tried. I really tried Mark." She groans, closing her eyes " But I just couldn't. Every time I saw you, every time we spoke…" She shrugs, helpless. "I didn't want to ruin it, you know? We were finally getting back on track and I… I was just too chicken. I couldn't say it."
"But now?" He swallows. "Now you… you can? You can say it?"
"Well...it's after what you told me today. I know that you were referring to Jackson, but...it's the same thing. You told me exactly what I needed to hear and you - you gave me some courage to just..to tell you already."
They both freeze in place for a moment, and suddenly he realizes: this is his moment. This is his time to say something. He has to say something. The right thing.
So, finally, when he clears his throat…
She feels like it's happening all too fast. She feels like they're rushing things—Hell, she knows they're rushing things.
Mark hears her draw a breath. He stares at her, waiting a moment for her to catch up. When her brown eyes meet his, he gives her a small nod. Her lips lift just slightly in gratitude.
"Believe it or not," he begins softly, "I still love you too, Lex."
He watches as her lips curl up in a wide smile, before twisting down as she tries to hide the happiness their configuration betrays and finally, her hand comes up to cover her mouth entirely, as if embarrassed for how obviously she shows her happiness. "You mean that?" She whispers around her fingers.
"Of course I mean it."Lexie chuckles, looking away to avoid his laughing eyes.
"So...I love you... and you love me. What an unsolvable situation we got ourselves into, am I right?" He connected their forheads and then tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear,only for it to fall out again.
"Mark..wait. I - I can't do this if...if you are still involved with someone, I...I can't." She tells him, just about a centimeter away from his lips.
"Well...then I guess it's a good thing that I am not." He whispers huskily, causing Lexie's eyes to open widely.
"What...when did you...why...?"
"A week ago..." he interrupts "And I think you know why."
"Oh..." A smile twitches onto Mark's lips, and he pulls his chair even closer.
"So, Lex...could I please kiss you now?"
Neither is too surprised when she catapults herself forward a second later, her body and lips crashing against his with a show of force Mark can't remember her ever using with him before. He smiles to himself, opening his mouth to accept hers more fully just as her hands reach up, tugging on the lapels of his jacket to bring him as close as possible.
Jackson Avery and Alex Karev are sitting at the other end of the famous bar, drinking beer after beer, following the exhausting day they have just been through.
Jackson tried, but still couldn't avoid the couple at the far end of the bar.
It's clear that neither of them have eyes for anyone but the other. From his vantage point, Jackson can only see the man, but what he sees is enough to figure that her expression must mirror his. A look of such serenity and honest love forms in the man's eyes as he looks down at the woman before him. His hand softly caresses the side of her face as she tilts her chin towards him, unable to help herself from wanting more. Unable to stop herself from wanting him.
The man ducks down just as she's straining upwards to meet him, but it's her hands that cover his face this time and draw him closer. It's she who moves forward, barely allowing any space between them despite the public setting. It's she who holds onto him and kisses him like she's dying for the breath only he can give her.
"It was bound to happen, you know?" Alex Karev calls out.
"What?" Jackson replies, confused with the man's statement.
"Little Grey and Sloan. It was always bound to happen - them getting back together. I was surprised that you even thought that that relationship of yours was gonna last in the first place." He scolds, sipping his drink some more.
"Well...I was an idiot, wasn't I? I thought I could change something...That I could make her fall in love with me..."
"Well you couldn't. You should have known that."
"Yeah...I guess I should have..."
Mark and Lexie break apart, breathless and exhilarated, but neither utters a word. Instead, he reaches down, finding her hand and taking it in his. She smiles when he steps away, pulling her along with him as they move through the crowded bar and out into the late night. Neither hesitates as they make their way to his car, though Lexie asks him multiple times if he's certain they're doing the right thing.
He ignores her questions, and grabs her waist in order to kiss her once again, and show her how sure he is about this. Of how every word he said, how he loved her, that he meant it. He wasn't lying. He wanted her. He missed her. And now, he finally got another chance to be with her and do what he had always wanted to; make her happy.
"I am sure about this Lex." He repeats, so close to her that she can feel his warm breath touch the top of her skin "I love you. I promise, I meant it."
"O-okay..." she whispers.
"Take me home," she repeats a second later, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before stepping back, Mark allowing her to follow him all the way back to his car.
"Okay," he murmurs tiredly against her neck, placing soft kisses on her smooth skin, "I want to know now."
"You want to know what?" Lexie asks in a yawn, pressing her face more firmly against the soft pillows of his bed. She reaches a hand back, running it through his hair in appreciation.
"Just...anything really. Talk to me...tell me about everything that has happened in the last months and ...why you felt like you couldn't tell me about all of this. Just - talk to me."
A second later, he feels her hand grow slack and fall from its place against his neck. He can't quite tell, but he's sure she's turned a bit further away from him, too. "Lex?" He prompts, confused at her change in behavior. "What is it?"
"I just...the past couple of months - I was miserable, Mark. I really...don't want to talk about it." She closes her eyes, breaking off and biting her lip.
"Was it...that bad?" He asks, concerned.
"Y-yeah...I guess..." she mutters quietly.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted you to feel that way." he replies. He reaches out, taking her chin in his fingers gently and turning her head to face him.
"It's okay. I had Derek. He helped me a lot - actually, you would think that all the advices he gave me were in my head even more than you were." Lexie then grins, remembering all the hours and days leading up to this moment. All of the hopelessness and emptiness that led her to where she is right now.
"Derek?" Mark starts, surprised beyond words "Wait, wait, wait...you are telling me that Derek knew about all of this?"
Lexie rolls her eyes, replying "Yeah, that's pretty much what I said. Or didn't you hear?"
"I heard, just...damn, why didn't he tell me anything?" He wonders.
"Well, it wasn't really his place to say Mark. Besides-" She starts, getting closer to him and wrapping her arms tightly around his body "Wasn't it just that much better for you to hear it from me?"
"Yeah...yeah I guess it was." It's her easy laughter that draws him out of his thoughts.
"I - I actually talked to him today too - about...you." Mark continues.
"Oh...about me?" She asks, a little surprised "What exactly were you talking about?"
"He just...he made me realize something. I mean, I knew it, but...I tried to deny it, I don't know-" he notes, leaning into her hand "He kind of...cleared up for me why I broke up with Julia and - I hate to admit, but...he was right." Lexie looks over her shoulder, smiling back at him.
"Well...what exactly did he say? Why did you break up with her?" She asks with yet another easy smile.
"It was time for me to...to ask her to move in and- think about the future. I chickened out and - I decided that it was not what I wanted...and Derek...he made it clear to me that I - well...didn't want to give all these plans for a life with someone - to someone other than you..." he sighs, holding her tighter "I never wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone other than you Lex. That's what happened. That's why I broke up with her." He whispers.
Mark takes a deep breath, expelling it before he speaks. He tries to let go of her words as he starts to speak, but they linger in his mind. "She was already making plans," he explains, "plans about the future, our… future, and I…" He shifts his eyes to hers. "I realized I didn't see a future with her. Not the way she did. Not really...because that future of mine...it always had you in it..."
Lexie feels her breath stop and her heart beat faster than it ever did before. His words - it was something she had wanted to hear in such a long time. She wanted to hear that he never gave up on her - after everything, she was still in the picture, no matter what. She wanted to know that what they had was real, what they had was true...She knew it before, but - hearing Mark talk about it himself, about what the future holds for them...it's something she had needed so badly. Something she wanted for so long and something she would treasure forever.
"You have me now. I'm all yours babe." She chuckles, squishing her head against his bare chest "I will never leave again, I promise. No matter what happens - I won't run away from it. We will work it out and," Lexie doesn't know what to do, so she starts nodding lightly as she speaks "That future of ours...all those plans you have for the two of us - I promise you that we will make it happen. I promise." She trails off, intertwining their fingers as she lets her head fall deep into the crock of his neck.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah...we can...get married and - and have kids...Just like you always wanted, you know?" She trails off, leaving him confused as to why she'd fantasize about something she never seemed to want before.
"Really? Do you - really want that?" He presses, not quite believing it.
"Of course I do. I want all of it. I want...you. More than anything I want you...and us...I want a life with you Mark. All of those plans you have...soon they can all be real." She breaks off, squeezing her hands in his.
"But I...I seriously thought that you didn't want any of that-" He wonders quietly, trying to fit all the pieces together.
"Mark - I never said that I didn't want any of that. I just - I didn't want it...yet. You know? I just...I wasn't ready at the time." She says, not wanting to linger in silence.
"And now...you are? You're ready?" He asks, hoping she can't hear the desperation in his voice.
"Well...I am almost done with my residency, so...I guess that we are slowly getting there." She bites her lip, glancing down momentarily.
It's a long minute before Mark speaks, as he tries to comprehend the previously said words.
"I don't think you understand..." he starts, dragging his words "How much I love you right now!"
In a matter of seconds, his lips are touching hers again. He holds her tightly as he spreads his kisses gently, not wanting to ever let go of her fragile body. The beautiful smell of her hair distracts him and invades his mind, as she smiles so genuinely, cherishing every second that passes with her in his embrace.
"I love you too..." she murmurs quietly against the warmth of his lips.
"We'll take it step by step okay?" She asks after their lips have finally separated, allowing him to take a long needed breath. "We need to do this right."
"Step by step...okay." Mark repeats after her.
"Exactly." Lexie confirms, snuggling up to him even closer than before.
"So...Can I start with step one?" He asks, whispering against her ear.
"What - what's step one?" She wonders, turning her head around in order to see him a little better.
Mark takes a breath, still a little uncertain, but soon gets the courage to ask what he had wanted for so long.
"Do you...wanna come home? For..for good, I mean...Would you like that?"
Lexie stares at him for a minute, but a sign of relief quickly takes over her gaze.
"Yeah...I...yes I want that." Mark opens his eyes slowly a few seconds later, staring at her. He can barely breathe as he takes in the quiet, deliberate way she said those words. And the honesty that rings through them.
"I mean...Meredith and Derek are moving soon anyway...I think it's better for me not to end up homeless." Lexie then gives him a small smile when her eyes find his. She can't believe that everything that's happening right at this moment, is actually reality. It's something she had wanted for so long and now - it's actually happening. For real. Not just in her dreams.
"Oh, wow what a nice excuse." He jokes at her comment "You want to come live with me as much as I want it too...Just admit it."
"Maybe..." she starts, dragging on the word "I'm not admitting anything."
Lexie laughs quietly, softly, as if her words had been a joke.
"I missed that-" Mark thinks aloud, after the silence that had previously descended between them.
"Missed what?" She questions, confused at the sudden change of conversation.
"Your laugh...your smile - I know it's stupid, but I -I just missed it."
She then giggled one more time, her expression turning into a ray of sunshine. Her face was glowing and her cheeks dimpled. There it was again. That happiness, that same amusement...that same delight.
"Well - I think that from now on, you will be seeing much more of it." She says, coming closer in order to kiss him on the cheek.
"I like that idea..." he takes her hand again, holding it lightly in his.
"Will you help me get my stuff?" Lexie trails off suddenly.
"What?" Mark stares at her, licking his lips quickly.
"My stuff. From Meredith's. Will you help me get them tomorrow?" She questions, staring at the ceiling and focusing on the most random things.
"Oh...ofcourse I will. I just...I didn't know we're doing it already." He tells her, a little stunned at her determination.
"Well what did you think? You had to wait for me for two weeks or something?" She manages.
"Something like that..." he smiles, leaning over to kiss the top of her head.
"Don't worry...we'll be done with it by tomorrow."
"I can't believe that this is real..." His quiet words draw Lexie back to the present, but not to the unbridled happiness they'd had a moment later.
"I know...me too." She can't help but bite the inside of her lip.
"Okay, enough." He groans loudly, covering her body with his completely.
"Ready for round two?" He grins, impatient in hearing her answer.
"Oh definitely!" Lexie exclaims, allowing their bodies to unite once again in the darkness of the beautiful evening.
They then spent the rest of the quiet night wrapped up in eachothers arms. In eachothers bodies...Lexie telling him of all the ways she imagined them being together. They had grinned, laughed, screamed...Enjoying every single arousing feeling they have created within eachother. Enjoying what they have both longed for in so long. Enjoying the love they shared...and the pure happiness that they both felt as long as they were together.
Reviews are always welcomed.