Laying in Nick's room, Jess can almost pretend this is how it always is. That if she extends her legs to the other side of mattress they'll tangle with Nick's, and he'll pull her into his arms. She'll snuggle her chin deeper in the crook of his arm, letting the gentle rhythm of his breathing lull her to sleep. But the absence is too jarring to disguise, and when she looks up she can make out Nick's bed next to her in the dark. Jess sighs and tries to get comfortable, the mattress sliding slightly on the floor. She hears Nick cough, and she stills. She knows it's silly, but she doesn't want Nick to know she's still awake. Maybe because then he'll know she's been tossing and turning all night, trying to block the avalanche of thoughts that keep threatening to bury her. The fact that for the first time in years she can't just run to Nick and confide all her dreads and worries leaves her feeling winded, like her breath was sucked out of her chest. Jess tries to steady herself, thinking of mini pairs of socks for babies and the feeling she gets when her students enjoy her lesson, but tears start to prickle behind her eyelids, and a lump forms in her throat. She sniffles quietly, burying her head in the pillow to try to muffle her sobs.

"Jess?"

Nick's voice is raspy and low, and Jess freezes. She keeps her head pressed into the pillow, trying to calm her breathing. Maybe Nick will think she went back to sleep. It's the cowardly option, Jess knows, but she can't face him. She doesn't have enough strength left to wipe the smudged mascara off her flushed cheeks, let alone talk to him. And Jess knows if she opens up to Nick right now, the dam will break and she might end up saying something she can't take back. She's been telling herself they did the right thing, over and over as she lays in bed and tries to block the doubts. But Jess knows her feeble attempts at self coercion don't stand a chance against Nick's sleepy voice and his concerned eyes.

"Are you okay?" Nick asks again, Jess' silence stretching across the room.

"Yep." Her voice is muffled from the pillow, but Jess doesn't move her head. She waits another couple beats, and then assumes from the quiet that Nick gave up. She rolls over and tucks the blankets up to her chin, her legs drawn against her chest.

But it turns out Nick isn't giving up that easily. "Jess…" he starts, pretending there's no underlying tremble in his voice.

Jess stays quiet, but then Nick hears her sigh. "What, Nick?" She responds quietly, her tone teetering on the edge of annoyance, but also sounding just so tired.

Nick falters, wondering if he should pull on the reins. She probably just wants to forget about the whole thing, as does he, but he also thought she would jump at the chance to talk. He knows talking through feelings is Jess' way to process, and as much as he would like to hide under the covers and never come out, he owes this to her. Even though they aren't together anymore-

"Hey, I'm sorry." Jess says into the darkness, interrupting the tirade of Nick's thoughts. "I didn't mean to snap. It's just been a long day- well, you know." She chuckles weakly. "Did you need something?"

Nick takes a second to gather his thoughts, trying to shake the uneasy feeling he's experiencing. The sudden change of talking to Jess from across the room, instead of whispering secrets into her ear and smiling when his stubble grazing her ear made her giggle, leaves a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. "Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted… to talk?" Nick tries to brace himself for any response, but he has no idea what might happen. Today has ventured so far into uncharted territory that Nick doesn't know if he'll be able to find his way back.

There's another pause, this one even longer. "Should we?"

This vague response leaves Nick feeling even more uncertain than before. No matter what, he could always rely on Jess to be decisive in situations like these. She was the captain of the rickety ship, and he always thought no waters were too choppy. But now that she seems just as lost as him, he doesn't know what to do, or how to act. He opts for expressing his confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Should we, talk about… it?" Jess' voice is still quiet, and Nick has to lower his breathing to hear her.

"I mean, if you want to?" Nick mumbles, phrasing it like a question, but not sure if it is.

"I don't know, Nick, okay? I just…" Jess' voice breaks and Nick feels his heart strings being wrenched. It takes everything in him to resist the urge to climb in next to her and hug her until she falls asleep. "I don't know," Jess finishes, defeat evident in her sigh.

There's a million things Nick could say to comfort her, but his tongue feels like a fat wad of cotton. What he ends up with is, "Did you see Schmidt's balls?"

"What?!" Jess exclaims, shocked.

"Ya know, when you went in-" Nick starts to hurriedly explain.

"-Ohhh," Jess lets out the smallest laugh, and although it's not much, Nick's chest already starts to feel lighter at the sound.

"Unfortunately, indeed I did," Jess grimaces, and Nick can picture her expression in the dark. They drift off into a silence that's almost becoming a routine by now.

"What are we going to do?" Jess sighs into the dark, her voice still uncharacteristically timid.

"Well we can tell Schmidt he can only do his naked yoga in that fancy steam room thing at the gym so there's no other… incidents," Nick inputs helpfully.

"No, not Schmidt's balls," Jess giggles, which makes Nick grin. Jess' laughter fades quickly though, and she continues, "I mean,

about… us. What will- what are we now?"

Nick's heart starts to race. This is what he was worried about, the pressure is too much and he has no idea what they are and he has no idea what to do. "Jess… i can't- i don't-" he stutters. There weren't enough words to fill the widening chasm between them. In reality, Nick was laying only a bed away, but it felt like they were miles apart. But at the same time, the walls seem to be pressing into Nick and he needs to get away from this, out of this room, he can't be here right now-

"Please, Nick. I need to know," the sheer desperation and helplessness in Jess' voice makes Nick's breath catch. He gulps, and tries to formulate a coherent thought.

"…Friends? Exes? I don't- I don't know what's going on any more than you do, Jess."

"No I know you don't, it's just… I thought it would help to get a little clarity," Jess tries to explain, but the air between them is uncomfortable and statically charged.

"You do like to have a plan for your life," Nick half smiles into the dark, but immediately follows it with, "Too soon?"

"Yes, too soon!" Jess exclaims.

Nick rubs his thumb over the lines of his palm under the covers. "Hey, you know i'm sorry, right?" He says softly, and Jess has to strain to hear.

"Yeah, Nick," she responds just as quietly. "I'm sorry too."

This time, the silence is comfortable, and Nick closes his eyes. But Jess still feels restless, and stares at the ceiling while running her teeth over her bottom lip.

"Are you asleep?" She whispers into the dark.

"Yes," Nick responds into the pillow.

Jess hesitates, and then asks, "Why does this have to be so hard?"

"Jeeze, Jess, what's a guy gotta do to get some shut eye?" Nick jokes, but then actually thinks about what she said. "I honestly don't know. But maybe… maybe that's what makes it worth it?" As Jess mules this over, she feels her eyelids start to get heavy. Nick is equally silent, and she assumes he drifted off to sleep.

Jess feels dreamland calling her, but she's brought back by Nick's voice. "I don't know what we're gonna do. But whatever happens, we're gonna get through this, okay?" Nick would usually squeeze her hand in reassurance, but he has to settle for smiling into the dark and hoping it makes it to her.

"Okay," Jess responds sleepily, and Nick hears her turn over to face the other way.

"Goodnight, Nick."

"G'night."

They both begin to fade into sleep, their minds and hearts much more at peace than when they first turned off the bedside light.

Even though she's barely conscious, Jess mumbles, "Nick?"

"Yeah?" He murmurs back.

"I love you," Jess yawns and snuggles deeper under the covers.

"I love you too, Jess."