Starts in the barn… after Dean…. you know...(Spoilers!)

Disclaimer - All characters, dialogue, anything recognizable, belong to WB, CW, Kripke, et. of course, lyrics to "Carry On My Wayward Son" belong to Kansas.

A/N - The ending wasn't perfect, it could have been executed better. But it could never have ended with "happily ever after." As the actors have said, that wasn't the tone of the show, and as long as the Winchesters were living, we would want to know what they were doing. Death of one or both had been foreshadowed from the beginning, and the show, at its core, was a tragedy.

Personally I was hoping for a blaze of glory ending. Both brothers sacrificing their lives to save the world one last time, then moving on to the afterlife, together. But I guess that would be considered a happy ending, too. Sigh...

A/N - All errors are my own.

He was numb...

He wasn't sure how long he stood holding up Dean's body in that barn.

"Yeah, you're right." agreed Sam, as he took a slice of pie from the box and proceeded to smush it into Dean's face.

"I have wanted to do that for a very long time." laughed Sam. He continued to laugh as Dean used his fork to wipe pie off his face and eat it, "Oh, you're right. I do feel better."

Was that just yesterday? He was laughing… you could almost say happy… yesterday?

Now he was so numb… empty… so cold….

He hadn't started out numb...

It had started with confusion… why was Dean just standing there? "What? What are you talking about?"

"There's something in my...Something in my back. It feels like it's right through me."

Sam picked up Dean's body, and took him to the Impala. Did Dean's Baby know her owner was dead, that this was the last ride? Dean always treated the car like it was alive, maybe it was. Sam laid Dean down in the back seat, positioned him as if he was sleeping, and covered him with a blanket from the trunk.

Then triage mode had set in… had to call the ambulance… they were so far out of town though…"I'll call for help. I'll get the first-aid kit."

"No, no, no, no, no…. Don't... Don't... Don't move me…. Don't move me. It feels like this thing's holding me together right now."

Sam put all the vampires' bodies in a pile, and doused them with gasoline he got from the car. Then he went to look for the two children. Sam found them hiding behind a woodpile a little bit away from the barn, too scared to move. He coaxed them out and put them in the front seat of the car. When one of them asked about Dean in the backseat, he just said Dean was tired and was sleeping.

Panic had followed… they were getting out of there… "Dean… we are gonna get them somewhere safe."

"No…. You knew it was always gonna end like this for me, It was supposed to end like this…. Right? I mean… look at us. Saving people, hunting things… It's what we do."

Sam watched the barn burn in the rear view mirror as they drove away. He took the children to the hospital where their mother was, slipping away before anyone saw him. He stole some sheets and a bo… a black bag from an open ambulance on the way. He had to wrap up Dean's bo… Dean.. for the long drive back to Kansas. He had packed Dean's wound with rags… can't get blood on the leather, Dean'll kill me… From that moment, Sam went on autopilot.

Next had been denial…this wasn't happening… "No. Stop, okay?... Just… just.. stop."

"It's okay… It's okay… It's good…. It's good… We had one hell of a ride, man."

Sam drove back to the Bunker, picking up Miracle from the kennel on the way.

He had tried bargaining… there has to be a way... "I… I will find another way."

"... you know that always ends bad."

And pleading… "Then don't leave me. Don't leave me. I can't do this alone."

"Hey… I'm not leaving you. I'm gonna be with you…Right here…every day."

Sam wrapped and prepared Dean's bo… Dean, and went out into the woods to build a pyre.

Then, accepting, he had to be strong for his brother, the one time Dean had asked for something for himself… "Dean…it's okay. You can go now."

"Goodbye, Sam….Goodbye."

Sam stood next to the pyre, Miracle at his side, and Dean's watch on his wrist. He just looked at the wrapped body on top. A hunter's send off for a selfless hero, the Righteous Man who put everyone in front of himself. Dean, his big brother, the man who raised him, Sam's stone number one, dead, gone.

With Dean's words, "I love you so much. My baby brother." echoing in his head, Sam flicked Dean's lighter and threw it onto the pyre.

Now there was only sorrow and loss….

Then, finally, once the numbness wore off, there will only be pain…

Sam had stayed until the entire pyre was reduced to ashes. Dean was dead. No, thought Sam, not thinking about that. He went back to the Bunker and collapsed on his bed, exhausted.

Progressively louder sounds of barking and whining pulled Sam from a deep sleep some time later. Miracle needed to be let out, so Sam dragged himself up and let the dog out while he waited by the door. After checking the food and water bowls, Sam went back to his room, curled up into a tight ball on his bed, and tried to go back to sleep.

Sam's phone woke him up the second time. He didn't pick up, didn't even check who it was, but he did get up. Apparently he had fallen asleep sometime. He wasn't sure if he was glad Miracle was there or not, because if the dog hadn't been there, Sam wasn't sure he would have ever gotten up, permanent oblivion looked pretty attractive. The phones kept ringing, but they stopped after he sent Jodi a text saying they were busy and would call later. He hadn't told anyone Dean was dead. He didn't want to talk to anyone.

How could anyone understand what he was feeling? He had read somewhere, an old woman saying you are only ever truly alone when the last person who knew you as a child was gone. That had been Dean… only Dean. And now he was truly alone.

Over the next few days, Sam lived in a fog. He cleaned up, made meals for himself, and walked and fed Miracle. He sat around wearing Dean's hoodie, mindlessly petting Dean's dog. Yeah, he admitted, Miracle was Dean's. All the time he had spent whining about wanting a dog, it was Dean, who actually got one. (Riot had ended up being Amelia's, not his.) He walked around the Bunker, drifting, feeling empty. Sometimes he lost track of time, getting swallowed up by his grief. What was he supposed to do now?

One day Miracle lead Sam to Dean's room. He hadn't gone into his brother's room since he had... It was still too painful. But now there he was, standing in the doorway. The room was exactly as it had been the day they had left for the pie festival. Had it only been a week? It seemed like a minute ago and ages ago at the same time. He looked around the room, as he put the light on. He frowned as his eyes fell on the application for the first responders on the desk. It was signed and ready to be sent in. They had made plans for a future, now everything was ash. Sam sat on the bed, taking in the pizza box, beer bottles, weapons, all these stupid things that reminded him of his brother, not that he needed anything to remind him. Miracle gave him some comfort, Sam knew he missed Dean too.

What was he going to do now? Even with all their plans, Sam still hadn't figured out his own place. He had decided to just follow Dean and see what happens. Now, without his brother, Sam was floundering, just barely keeping it together.

Sam sat on Dean's bed, lost in his grief, tears streaming down his face. He heard a buzz. It was coming from one of the desk drawers. It was Dean's "other, other" phone. An unknown number, but curiosity won and Sam picked up. It was a law enforcement officer from Austin. Donna Hanscum had recommended calling Agent Bon Jovi to help with some corpses that were missing hearts. I need to tell everyone he's gone, thought Sam. After a moment, he told the officer on the phone that he was on his way.

Sam wasn't sure what he was going to do. He knew he had to go help, it's what Dean would have done, would've wanted Sam to do. It was obviously a werewolf case, but after that? He didn't want to come back to the empty Bunker. He didn't want to be there without Dean. He didn't want to do anything that they had planned. It was too hard. What was he supposed to do now? he asked himself, again. The next full moon wasn't for a while, so he had a few days to reach Texas and help the officer.

Sam finally called Jodi and told her about Dean's death. He listened as she started crying and cursing, telling him he had to come to her house. He tried to say something comforting, but couldn't get the words out. Instead, he just asked her to spread the word because he just couldn't. He didn't want to talk to anyone about it. He also told her to tell people to lose all of Dean's numbers, as they would go unanswered. They could call or email him if it was absolutely necessary. Finally he promised to not disappear and to keep in touch when he could, but didn't commit to anything.

He needed to go through all of those phones soon. Dean had kept in touch with a lot of people from their past, Sonny, Krissy, and a lot names Sam didn't recognize. Sam knew that if there had been a funeral or memorial, at least a hundred people would have shown up to pay respects. But he couldn't handle that. Maybe Jodi would hold a memorial so that all the hunters could pay their respects. He couldn't really think about it, he wouldn't go anyway.

He packed everything he didn't want to leave behind, and loaded the Impala. He walked through the Bunker with his duffel on his shoulder and Miracle at his side. Sam shut everything down on the way out. He wasn't sure when, or if, he would return. He had a lot to think about during the drive to Texas.