Author's note: The Miraculous Ladybug characters are property of Thomas Astruc and I'm only using them to, you know, have a bit of fun. Btw, this is kinda of a crack fic. Enjoy ;)
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I
Nobody could say that Françoise Dupont was a bad college. Small, maybe, but not bad. Every year, the Dupont's students scored really high in the SATs and sports tournaments, and it was also recognized because the daughter of the Mayor attends there. If your child is gifted in disciplines such as physics, biology or chemistry, Dupont is the best option. Ms. Mendeleiev always bragged about it. Of course, with one of the best scientists in Paris teaching you (after all, she had a PhD. in Quantitative Biosciences) you could achieve greatness in the laboratory. In fact, Ms. Mendeleiev was so advocated in show her students the mysteries of biology that she never bothered to gave them the mandatory sex talk. After all, that was their parents' job, right?
Right?
For years, she got away with it. Until they came. The akuma class. Well, to be fair, this time it wasn't entirely their fault. The other three classes played a huge role in the disaster. But hey, the Akuma class was the cherry on top, the last straw in Mr. Damocles patience.
It all began with the damn herpes outbreak between the last year college students. And it wasn't precisely buccal herpes. Yikes. The STD spread so fast around the teenagers that it became quite the shock. Furious parents came in and out of Damocles' office, rumors of the Principal facing the School Board, delirant stories about when and how herpes spread. It was exhausting. And then of course, during Bustier class (who was in Mendeleiev opinion the most spineless, naive teacher in the whole universe), Le Chien and Kubdel did that stupid prank.
Saying that Mr. Damocles was furious was an understatement. When he entered Bustier's class (who was somewhere else, he should talk to her about it later) to announce the mandatory sex talk the students would have later that week, something gooey came flying to his face. The Principal yanked backwards, catching the (apparently) used condom which was inflated like a balloon in his hands. The laugh of the teenagers stopped. Alix and Kim, both at the front of the class, frozed. Damocles, fuming, dropped the damn disgusting thing.
"I-it's vanilla yogurt. Sir" explained Alix, pale as dead. She couldn't dare to face the Principal. She was sure she would burst in hysterical laughter any moment.
"Ye-yeah" assured Kim, shaking "and it wasn't for you, sir, we thought you were Adrien coming back from the bathroom".
Behind Mr. Damocles, the blonde model stepped in the classroom, frowning.
"What the fuck, guys"
The class whispering restlessly, that awful condom on the floor of one of his classes, Le Chien and Kubdel about to laugh, Agreste cursing… it was just too much.
"Agreste, language" Mr. Damocles said calmly. So calmly that it actually terrified the students. "Kubdel, Le Chien, to my office"
None of the teenagers dared to move a muscle.
"Now" he hissed. Oh boy, Damocles was mad.
After the incident, the School Board approved a request Mr. Damocles put down a long time ago: A Parent-student meeting mandatory enough to drag busy parents like Audrey Bourgeois, Le Chien Ava or Alim Kubdel into a classroom for more than five minutes. And it wouldn't be an ordinary meeting. It would be a Parent-student so-much-needed sex talk meeting.
These people wouldn't know what was coming.
II
The classroom was adapted to host every student and at least one of their parents or legal guardians. Some people, like the Dupain-Chengs or the Cesaires, were understanding about the extraordinary school meeting. Others like Mayor Bourgeois, weren't happy but still came. But Mr. Damocles greatest achievement, the highlight of the attendance, the one he would tell other college's principals about…
"I don't understand why my presence is requested," protested the fashion mogul Gabriel Agreste, sitting besides his assistant, Nathalie Sancoeur. "You never bothered before when Ms. Sancoeur came in my name"
Ms. Mendeleiev rolled her eyes.
"Then you should go, Mr. Agreste" said the teacher with a polite smile. "I'm sure the School Board wouldn't mind"
Gabriel frowned, but didn't reply. The mogul crossed his arms and leaned back on the chair. To pull such a nasty card that even Andre Bourgeois attended (Audrey couldn't care less about Chloe's education, but he was a loving parent after all), was something.
Gabriel looked at his son, who was chatting happily with a petite raven-haired girl. Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the one who kept resisting the akumatization. Both her parents were sitting next to the teenagers and seemed… nice. Not as he gave a damn about the bakers, but they were smiling at Adrien as if he was another son to them. Ugh, Gabriel hated these things. The happy families only reminded him of Emilie. And the memory of his lost wife waiting for him in her endless sleep hurted deep in his chest.
At eight sharp, Ms. Mendeleiev stood up and connected her laptop to a projector. Clearing her throat, the tall woman asked for attention.
"I'm sure most of you are kinda surprised by this emergency meeting, since none of your children were part of the herpes outbreak"
The parents shifted on their chairs, bewildered. They were, indeed. Ava, Kim's mother, sunk a bit in her seat. She knew better. Damocles told her and Alim what had triggered this whole affair.
"But the staff have noticed that your kids are painfully irresponsable, naive and misinformed about their own sexuality"
Marinette's parents exchanged a surprised look. They have talked to their daughter and knew for a fact that Nino's and Alya's too. Besides, teenagers these days find everything on Google and there's no way they couldn't be informed.
"And who's fault is that?" asked Rose's mother at the back. A murmur of agreement spread across the room. Ms. Mendeleiev gave them an unimpressed look.
"Actually, of all of us" she said. "Ours because we should have seen this coming; yours because as parents, you haven't…"
Annoyed, Gabriel stood up. This was preposterous. He sent his son to school because he didn't want to educate him in such mundane matters as sexuality. He was too busy for this circus.
"I can't believe you tossed me into a room with a bunch of strangers and the Mayor to hear how you blame me for your incompetence" snapped the designer.
Adrien, who was still sitting with Marinette and her parents, groaned softly. The girl put her hand over Adrien's.
"Mr. Agreste, have you ever talk to your son about sex?"
Both Agreste men turned beet red. Adrien resisted the impulse to bash his head against the desk. The mogul tried to not show weakness. This woman reminded him of a ruthless boss he had once upon a time. He was sure Mendeleiev could smell the fear too.
"Of course I have"
"Liar," muttered the blonde. Tom Dupain put a hand on the teenager's shoulder and squeezed a little.
"You have?" deadpanned the teacher. "Adrien, can you tell us how you learnt about sexual intercourse?"
The poor model mumbled something, looking extremely uncomfortable. The only one who understood the word 'porn' was Marinette, who was kind enough to ignore the fact that someone as pure and perfect as Adrien Agreste could masturbate. In fact, Marinette turned a bit flustered herself while she pictured Adrien in his bed, naked, moaning her name and…
No, Marinette, please don't go there right now.
Pitying his boss and the kid she actually raised, Nathalie decided to stepped up for them.
"Miss Mendeleiev, with all due respect, this is a matter school should take accountability for," pointed out the woman. Most parents murmured in agreement again and Nathalie could swear Gabriel had the 'you just gained a raise' look. Good. Nathalie would need vacations after this evening.
Mendeleiev tilted her head to the side, a bit curious.
"Oh, Ms. Sancoeur, we are taking accountability" the teacher paused and gave the other woman her sharpest smirk. "That's why you are here, after all. We are having all a sex talk. A real one, not the basic, fast explanation you must have given Adrien instead of his father"
Nathalie sat again, trying to ignore that a) Mendeleiv was right and b) Gabriel was fuming. He was a crappy father, but nobody has ever dared to say it outloud.
Not giving the mogul and his assistant a second gaze, the teacher started the presentation. It was extremely detailed and explicit. Mendeleiev covered every aspect: Differences between porn and real sex, masturbation, the STDs, birth control and how to have safe intercourse. Most teenagers were awkward as hell while listening to the teacher. After the longest half hour of their lives, a slide with a huge 'Questions?' appeared.
The kids groaned.
Rose's mom raised her hand. "Sorry, but I find it hard to believe that my sweet fourteen year old daughter masturbates". The cited blonde gulped.
"Duh, that's because she fingers Juleka, not herself" muttered Kim. Max kicked him under the desk but it was too late.
"I beg your pardon?" exclaimed Rose's mom. "My daughter WHAT?"
"You didn't know your daughter is dating mine?" asked Anarka. "What kind of mother are you?"
Rose's mom stood up, enraged. "The kind who doesn't let their kids on the loose or rises them in a freaking boat"
Tom Dupain stood too, trying to calm both women. "Let's not do this in front of the kids" he asked.
He was completely ignored.
"Kim, you traitor!" exclaimed Alix. "You can't rat my girls out like that!"
The Vietnamese puffed his cheeks. "But it's true! I won that bet, remember?"
"Bet? What bet?" asked Juleka's mom.
Almost the entire class was looking annoyed or embarrassed. Except for Marinette and Adrien, who were absolutely bewildered.
Mendeleiev gave to Kim her nastiest gaze. "What are you talking about, Le Chien?"
The boy shifted in his chair, unable to respond. His peers were giving him the dirty look.
"This is unthinkable!" snapped Gabriel. "You are not only wasting my time, you are also telling us these… hooligans organize sexual bets between them?" Most parents were too outraged to be offended by the designer's insult to their children.
Before Mendeleiev could answer, Nino defended their classmates. "It's not like that, dude! We have all kinds of bets, not only sexual ones!" Gee, Nino, thanks.
"That's why Kim and Alix threw that condom to Adrien in the first place!" explained Rose, desperate to divert her mother's attention. "To find out if he actually have never seen a used condom before"
"WAIT, WHAT?!"
A tall stance, terrifying gaze, the dark aura of danger, clenched fists. For the first time ever, Adrien and Gabriel Agreste looked alike. Marinette and Nathalie found them kinda hot.
"Of course I've seen a used condom before!" spluttered Adrien.
"Of course he has never seen a used condom before!" exclaimed his father at the same time.
Ms. Mendeleiev raised an unimpressed eyebrow. Gabriel almost had a stroke right there. "You what?!" hissed the designer.
Adrien looked to the window, longing for a dark butterfly to appear and spare him out of his misery. Where the fuck was Hawkmoth when one actually needed him? With all the drama around the classroom, and akumatization was a matter of time.
"I can explain?" offered the blonde to the stunned people around him.
None of them reacted. Adrien was positive he had just killed his father. Gabriel was having a heart attack. The mogul's face was charcoal grey and his temple vein seemed about to explode.
The first to break the silence was Alya. "When have you…?" The reporter muttered.
Adrien shrugged, offering a nervous smile. "Uh… In a movie? It's not like I'm Chat Noir and got kinky with a blindfolded Maaar-girl. A blindfolded girl. Nope. A movie. That's all. I saw a used condom in a harmless movie"
That was… oddly specific.
Everybody was ready to move on except for a certain astonished raven-haired girl, who was looking at Adrien with her huge blue bell eyes, getting hit by the biggest realization of her life. Internally screaming, Marinette tried to smile at the Dupain-Chengs. It was useless. That mangy stray cat. And then, another epiphany hit her from the back of her brain. Hard. "I've been rejecting my crush for my crush…" she mumbled dumbly.
Adrien, who was now sitting by her side, offered an apologetic smile. "Ups?"
"I will deal with you later, Kitty"
Somewhere else in the room, Nathalie was trying to snap Gabriel out of his trance. "I think Adrien broke him" she explained to the class. People noded. The silence now was unbearable.
Proud of the achievements of the night -after all, Rose and Juleka came out, Kim was getting roasted by his peers AND his mother, and the Agreste kid looked less sexually repressed-, Ms. Mendeleiev cleared her throat, claiming the attention of parents and teenagers.
"If there are no further questions, we can end this meeting here" said the teacher. At that note, most of the class stood up and darted to the door, ready to run away from the embarrassment. Adrien was invited to dinner with the Dupain-Cheng family and didn't bother to ask for permission.
Being left behind, Gabriel Agreste was still looking blankly to a random wall.
"Nathalie" he said with an empty gaze. "I think I'm actually having a stroke. Please call 1-1-2"
Marinette and Adrien enjoyed a few weeks without akumas. They found it odd, but hey, they weren't complaining.
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Soooo, my second Miraculous Ladybug fanfic and the second time I dare to write in english (if there's any corrections, let me know). I hope you had fun, guys. See you around!