Author's Note: Thank you as always for taking the time to leave feedback, I appreciate it very much! Here's the latest chapter. Enjoy!
CHPT08:_ABLAZE
Like years ago, you're so focused on the mission that you barely look twice at me, or anyone else. But now, that's bad: because I want you to laugh, and I want your attention.
We're on the Citadel, and I can tell with how you carry yourself that you're still seeing Thane with every step. You've probably gone to see Kolyat for a bit. I do wonder how he's doing.
You're on D24, walking towards me, having gotten my invite. When you're within earshot, I say, "Shepard. If you're up for it, I thought we could do something fun for a change."
We both need a bit of fun right now, no matter how stupid. It's been too hard for too long. The road ahead is clouded in darkness, and we don't know if we'll see the end of it. Everything nowadays does involve the Reapers – we need a piece for ourselves, one they can't have.
It's been too long since you laughed. There's been too much pain.
We leave D24 in our car to the top of the Presidium and talk along the way. You don't banter with me as much as you used to. Your voice sounds hollower than I've ever known it. Your skin is paler, the circles under your eyes are darker, and the stars across your face appear more faded.
It's nice up here, but better that you're with me. You seem a bit brighter being here too, staring out at the Presidium, red hair swept in the wind. You tuck some of it behind your ear, suggesting, "How about a dive in the pool?"
"You obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of drowning."
I never worked out how to swim – I gave up long ago, and stayed content to drown in you. Choking on water thanking you for it.
After a moment, I turn to the guns I brought with me, smirking, "So let's find out who's really the best shot."
You accept one of the rifles given to you, your brow raising more with every passing moment. Soon the corners of your mouth slowly start rising until I see a hint of human teeth. The pressure in my chest grows – I didn't realise how much I missed your smile. How far you've submerged me.
Your banter returns, slowly, and I see you take a moment before telling me to throw the bottle. I toss it as hard and far as I can, and you still hit it. The sound of shattering glass seems to uplift you a bit more, like that long shot is confirmation of something buried deep in your heart and brain.
I wonder if it has to do with Kai Leng. If you see this as practice, instead of fun.
And there, a sardonic smirk that could set the Citadel on fire, "Nobody alive, maybe – but technically, I died."
You don't have to tell me – I will always remember. The way my heart and brain was shot at the same time. The scarring on my subvocals from screaming. The way life dulled, and you continued to crawl from thought to thought. Time didn't heal the wound – you did. A miracle did. The one good thing Cerberus has ever done.
My comment about rampaging Klixen gets what I want: your laugh. Finally.
Today is a good day.
The Normandy is heading to Horizon. Traynor found Kai Leng there, and Sanctuary is… well, it can't be ignored for long. Not when it involves Cerberus. I've come up to talk to Joker, but I can hear you locked up in a meeting with Hackett, and you're not happy.
"She been in there long?" I ask Traynor, who nods. Right after, you emerge from the meeting room and go straight to your the terminal by the galaxy map, reviewing your emails.
Traynor reaches out to touch your tense shoulder, which you shrug off. She winces, asking, "Commander, is everything okay?"
I move closer, watching your frustrated face carefully. You look you're caught in a rip. From here, I see you've still got Taitha's email, after all this time. A reminder of what Mindoir, and what good you can do. When you realise I'm near, I see your shoulders drop, just a fraction. And for some reason, that's a bit comforting.
Do I still matter, Shepard? You still matter to me.
You run your fingers through your hair – it still shines flaming red under the Normandy's lights, "Hackett doesn't like that we're going to Sanctuary. He thinks it is a distraction. Too many unknowns. I understand, but the way to change 'unknowns' into 'knowns' is to check it out."
Yeah, but really, I think you just want to punch Kai Leng's head off his neck.
I interject, "Hackett would be thinking of the overall war effort. This could be a waste of time, but given Cerberus' fingerprints are all over this Sanctuary facility, it can't be ignored. If Kai Leng's there, what about Miranda? She'd want to check it out too."
"I have warned Miranda about Kai Leng, I was in the Spectre Office at the time," you reply, clenching your fists. "She'll take him. That bastard won't get anyone else from the Normandy. Not one more of my crew. Not one more of my friends."
Ocean blues lock onto me. The tide pulled me under long ago, filling my lungs with water – but the rip pulls me further out to sea.
"This has to work. Sanctuary has to have answers," you hiss, hands spreading across the spaces on either side of the console. "The Illusive Man's up to something – he must be stopped, and the Reapers must be destroyed – otherwise, all this sacrifice would be meaningless. All the people who gave their lives for a better future… All the pain they left behind would be for nothing."
Midnight hair and a kick-your-ass attitude, redeeming her grandfather's choice on Relay 314 twenty-six years ago. An inquisitive, intelligent mind wrapped in scarred skin, missing a horn and correcting his mistake. Thousands of soldiers who didn't make it home to their families.
Black eyes dotted with the galaxy's stars. A language of memory.
Your voice burning like volcanic, molten rock, "I will not let Thane's death mean nothing!"
The inescapable pain, reminding you that it is inevitable and constant.
You push away from the table, turning to go to your cabin; and weakly, I say, "Shepard…"
"I will make this work."
I hear what you don't say: Kai Leng must pay.
You disappear from the CIC, leaving Traynor and I to stare at the space you had occupied. And I wonder where all this… this… rage formed, without me noticing. When you became all growls and teeth, with a disciplined anger that you're just waiting to unleash.
We've always complimented each other nicely, Shepard. The too-human turian and the too-turian human – neither of us being quite right. Javik pointed it out to me days ago, with all four eyes focused on me, "The Commander acts more like a turian than a human. I wonder how much of this is your influence."
How much do I influence you? Because you've influenced my whole world. My ocean. And now I can only breathe underwater.
And equally, I wonder when my worry for you became a constant weight, one that I adjusted to carrying it quietly without noticing. Because there was one thing that unsettled me about all this. One thing that set my teeth on edge and made me want to observe you closer than ever before.
It's the way you carry yourself: resigned to a fate that is not yet set in stone.
Do you know how terrifying that is, Shepard?
Shore leave.
The Normandy's undergoing retrofits. It'll be a while, so we're stuck on the Citadel. We're still pissed that Kai Leng took research data again – this time, from Cerberus, but thankfully, Miranda thought ahead with that tracker.
Now, we know where to find him. Soon, we can make him pay, and avenge Thane.
Anderson left you a real nice apartment. You've been busy, spending time with old and new faces, from all our journeys. Kaidan, Kasumi, Wrex, Grunt, and so many more. I know they'll be happy to see you – I wonder if you're be happy to see them.
But your mind is elsewhere, because there's a picture of Thane on the piano, and we're all sombre and quiet, staring at you and Kolyat. This should've been done sooner. I should've pushed for this sooner, to help you heal. What kind of friend am I?
You swallow, stony-faced with sunken stars, "We are gathered here to honour the life of Thane Krios. Thane touched each of our lives in different ways."
Confronting the memory of put out much of the fire that drove you.
It's good to reminisce on him, to remember him. If I focus, sometimes I can still hear his cough. Some of us speak after you – Joker, Tali, Samara, EDI, and myself. And he did cover us. He kept his eyes on you, all the time, protecting you from dangers that even I missed. He cared about you so much, he loved you so much.
Do I… You know… Is it enough?
People start to disperse. It's in these quieter moments that his son approaches you. Pain looking at pain.
I study Thane's picture on the dusty piano. Even though he was sick, his skin had been the most brilliant green. And I'll always remember the way the galaxy dotted his black eyes, when he'd stare out the window of the Normandy. He really was a good friend. He really tried to treat you well, and look after you – and I'm grateful for that.
From here, I can't help but overhear what his son says to you. And I apologise to Thane for listening.
"Remember, Commander," Kolyat says softly, "his wish was for you."
I shut my eyes. There's no point in strangling my subvocals anymore.