Author's Note: Thank you so much for sticking with me! Here is the latest update, I hope you enjoy :)

CHPT09:_ASTRAY

One destroyed sushi restaurant and unexpected clone later, there is a party.

…A clone, for spirit's sake, Cerberus.

Almost every face from the Normandy is here. Joker, James, and Steve are chatting by the entrance. Zaeed looks like he's expecting an attack at any minute – and I understand that concern. Kasumi's here, somewhere, invisible and following Jacob like a shadow behind every step.

It's a good time. A great time, because you're laughing and smiling. Surrounded by love.

But I know who you're thinking of.

I don't think I've ever seen you busy like this, Shepard. Jumping from friend to friend, making sure everyone is happy and engaged and drinking. The music changes, from dancing to relaxed and back – and everyone cuts loose, like they deserve. Because we might not get this chance again. Because the Reapers have taken so much already. I wonder if Ashley would've been as drunk as Tali is.

She looks like she's about to puke in her mask, but doesn't know yet. I take the glass from her so she can't refill it, and she looks at me, voice slurring, "Garrusss… Would you like to see my… taaattoooo?"

"You don't have one."

"I doooo!" the quarian protests, slamming her hands on the bar counter. "Would you like to seeee it?"

What comes out of my mouth next is unplanned, unprovoked, and I'm so thankful that there was no one else nearby to hear it. "If you actually have a tattoo on you right now, then I'll tell Shepard how I feel tonight."

Tali brightens at that, like the rising sun, her hands immediately shooting to her enviro-suit. Crap, maybe she wasn't kidding. The thought is enough to make me panic. I grab her wrists to stop her, maybe a little too harshly, because then her body shifts on the stool and she loses that shine. "Ughhh… Bathroom, please."

"All right."

So I help her off the stool and walk her to the nearest bathroom, where she promptly asks to be deposited on the floor. It is quieter in here, hopefully the lack of noise will help her feel a bit better. I tell her I'll check up on her later, and she waves me off, pressing against her stomach.

A few drinks of my own later, I scout the party for you, but you're nowhere to be seen. Tali is where I left her, asleep against the bathroom wall. Some people are retiring for the night, like Kaidan, where I see him take some tablets. Javik stares out the window, observing the Citadel in silence.

Then I note your bedroom door is closed. I call from outside, "Shepard, you okay?"

"You can come in if you want, Garrus," you reply.

Nodding, I step forward and touch the lock, watching it shift from red to green, and I enter. You're staring at the screen in front of you, with the light highlighting your skin a faint green colour. I move so that I'm standing beside you, staring at Thane too. Me, watching you, the light of my galaxy, staring at the light of your own galaxy.

I bear no ill will towards Thane.

Not sure of what to say, and kinda tipsy, I ask, "Do you think he would've drunk too?"

"Not sure if drinking with Kepral's Syndrome would've been a good idea, truthfully."

"Ah…" Awkwardly, I scratch my fringe. My eyes drift from the screen, staring at the stars on your face and your ocean blue irises, coughing a bit to relieve the drowning feeling in my chest. "I'm glad you have your own space, Shepard. That you took the time to celebrate your crew, and for him."

"I miss him," you say.

"He will protect you. So will I."

Slowly, you turn your head to look at me. You're withholding your pain with an unwavering lip. It curves up a bit, in the corners, and I'm almost overwhelmed with the urge to smooth my finger over them. "I don't need protecting, Garrus."

I simply smile at you.

You tuck some of your red hair behind your ear, looking down at your feet. "I just… I wish he was here to celebrate with all of us. This was his fight too, to the very end. I would've loved to see the look on his face when he saw the Reapers destroyed, once and for all."

"He would be happier to know that you're alive."

"I'm trying. For you both." You pause, looking up to stare at the drell on the screen. "I… walked into his arms, knowing it wouldn't last and that he wasn't long for this world. But I couldn't help it, Thane was so interesting, and wonderful, and… and alive. I can't believe that it still hurts so much."

"The greater the love, the greater the pain. And pain is the only constant."

You look back at me, brow furrowing.

It takes all of my energy to speak without collapsing into myself, like a black hole; I think the only way I manage it is because of the alcohol. "That doesn't mean it wasn't worth doing. I'm grateful for the time you had with him, Shepard, because he gave you happiness when you needed it most. You deserve your second chance – and for you, Thane made it worthwhile.

"He fought hard for you – every day, he gave his all for you. He gave you everything he was, everything he could've been. He cared about you so much… Yeah, it hurts. Maybe it always will. But let me remind you: it hurts so bad because it was so important. The brightest star in your galaxy. Your lighthouse in the storm. Remember that. Remember him."

You shut your eyes. The tide of memory, as Thane once said.

"You made his life better, like you've made mine better. I've got your six."

And then you raise your hand and rest the pads of your fingers against my scarred mandible, causing me to choke on the water in my lungs. I still completely. It feels like my lungs are going to burst, or my heart is going to explode. You drag your fingers across the scar tissue, memorising it silently, leaving burns in their wake. Then they rise, tracing every bump and ridge on my brow and nose and right by my mouth and chin.

When you open your eyes, there is something different in the depths, and I choke again as you say, "You have always been there for me."

"And I always will be. I've got your six."

You cup my face with one hand, and then the other; and I still don't know how to swim, or breathe without water in my lungs.

Unmoving, I repeat softly, "I've got your six."

You rise on your toes, your face coming closer to mine, so much so that I can count every star embedded in your skin. And before I finish counting, before you're any closer, I'm struck with a very clear, singular thought through the alcohol and my feelings and the drowning.

I will not dishonour Thane.

Out of everyone on the Normandy, only the pair of us knew what a lack of air felt like.

"Shepard," I start, "I'm kinda drunk."

"Same here."

"Shepard –"

"Say my name," you order, your breath a ghost against mine.

My eyes shut with the two most difficult words I will ever have to say, "Jane… No."

Your hands jolt against my face, dropping instantly as though electrocuted in the current. My mandibles clench at the loss of contact. I hear you take a step back; when I open my eyes, you're staring at me, brow furrowed.

"You're hurting. I get that. I want to help. But, this would make things worse."

Worse because of the words I can't say. The words that I've never said to you, or to myself. Despite strangling my subvocals, and refusing to listen to myself – because I've always known the truth, deep in my heart of hearts.

"I won't… be part of your pain."

It takes a moment for your brow to smooth out, for your shoulders to drop. Once you've relaxed, you tuck your red hair behind your ear, and even here it has that fiery glint, like it does under the Normandy's lights. Hopefully you'll be understanding when you're sober. "Thanks for being honest, and for checking in on me. I should rejoin the party, Miranda and Jack have probably torn each other's throats out by now."

It's enough to get a chuckle out of me. It rumbles in my chest, making the water and the alcohol ripple. You turn off your TV and pass so close by me that I feel your arm brush against mine. Before you unlock the door to leave, I grab your hand loosely.

I say quietly, "Come talk to me after we win the war. There… There are things I want you to know."

The way you look at me… still makes me feel like I can do more than just survive, Shepard.

You respond by tightening your grip for a moment, and then letting go, walking away, "Okay, I will. I promise, after we win, and come out alive. I promise."