Everyone has their blindspots.
She had said that to Garland months prior. It was a truth meant to encourage him, show him that he was not alone in wanting to believe the best about someone you care about. Something that everyone else can see from an alternate vantage point, but remains hidden from your sight.
Elliot was her blindspot. The one thing in her life about which she could never see clearly.
That's why it was so easy to push aside ten years of pain the night she heard him call her name for the first time since he left. It's why she chose to believe that he would behave in the interrogation room when she knew it was a promise he couldn't keep. Why her breath caught in her lungs as he nuzzled into her neck, grieving the loss of his wife. And it's why she had let him stumble into her apartment when he showed up at her door a month ago. Because she would always give him the benefit of the doubt.
Now she was in a cab on her way to his apartment because he had texted: The job is done.
That night she had somehow managed to get him back into the chair in her living room. In the time it took her to call Bell and figure out what the hell to do next, he had passed out. As she sat on her couch waiting for help to arrive, she watched him sleep. Once upon a time she had known his face so well, every laugh line and scar memorized through stolen glances. Now he hid behind a beard, looking nothing like her Elliot.
Her Elliot.
What you and I were to each other was never real.
She had known more pain in her life than most people could possibly imagine. An emotionally abusive mom, multiple injuries sustained on the job, four days of hell at the hands of a psychopath, and yet none of those things could compare to the pain she felt at a few definitive words scrawled in his familiar print. A thousand moments played like a slideshow in her mind. Looks, touches, conversations that she thought meant something to him because they meant everything to her. For ten years she had placed those memories on a shelf...tried to leave his memory untouched. Her Elliot was not the same man that had left her. Her Elliot wouldn't do that.
Except he was never hers to lose. And the letter confirmed it...until that night.
She still didn't understand why. Why Kathy would convince him to write such a letter after ten years apart. Why Elliot would actually put pen to paper. And why she had spent months thinking he had written it and still dropped everything for him.
She climbed the stairs to his apartment and rang the doorbell. To her surprise, it wasn't him on the other side of the door but his mother. "Oh, hello Mrs. Stabler. Is Elliot home?" "Who are you?" the older woman inquired. "Olivia. Olivia Benson. We met once before. I was your son's partner." The recognition lit a spark in Bernie's eyes. "Olivia! Of course, I remember. Elliot is inside. Please, come in and I'll get him."
She stepped into his new apartment, looking around at the space and picturing him in it. "Who was it, momma?" his voice called from another room. "It's Olivia…" she heard as Bernie disappeared down the hallway. She wandered around the living room as she waited - house plants that she was sure where Bernie's influence scattered around. A picture of the kids in front of the big tree at Rockefeller Center one Christmas a lifetime ago. A photo of Kathy and him in Rome. Eli's school photo from this year. And an old picture of the two of them...the same picture that had been in her old apartment for years.
I wanna thank you for everything that you've done for me...for the kids. You've been my rock. And when I said that I love you, I think you know...
"Hey," his familiar voice whispered behind her. Turning, she saw him. Her Elliot. "Hey," she said. He looked tired but relieved, like a weight had been lifted. He gestured to his clean shaven face. "Sorry, I was in the middle of shaving when you got here." He smiled sheepishly, as if he was seeking her approval. She was happy to oblige. "Worth the wait. I missed your face." He took a step toward her, reaching for her hand. "I missed yours, too. We can talk out on the terrace if you'd like." Taking his hand, she let him lead her to a sitting area just outside the dining room.
"I wasn't expecting you. Is everything ok?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. "No," she replied honestly. "Elliot, we've both avoided saying so many things that need to be said, and we can't move forward until we do." This was it. She was putting all her cards on the table. He nodded, suddenly finding it difficult to look her in the eye. "Fair enough. You go first," he replied.
She had been giving him this speech over and over in her head for months, but actually saying it out loud was proving more difficult than she had anticipated. "I've spent ten years going over what I would say if I saw you again. Ten years wondering why you left, and if it was easy to walk away. And then you called my name that night and all of the sadness and anger got pushed aside because you were here again. For the last several months it's stayed on the back burner because I know you are still grieving Kathy, and I know you are still wrestling with PTSD...but now I need you to know just how much you hurt me." She paused, looking him straight in the eye and waiting for a reaction. He simply nodded, a silent acknowledgement that he was with her.
"Elliot, you were the most important person in my life. I trusted you in a way that I had never trusted another man before...or since. I know that you were going through a lot with the shooting, but you just vanished. You didn't say goodbye, you didn't tell me where you were going...just sent the badge and the medallion and a note saying Semper Fi. Always faithful...but not to me. Yet like a fool I clung to those gifts. I replayed twelve years worth of memories and moments in my head, searching for answers to how you could leave like that. Whether anything I felt for you had been real. Damn it, Elliot, you knew how I felt and you still walked away without a word. And now you've waltzed back into my life and I've let you. Even after reading the letter I allowed you back in, believing that whatever I thought we were back then was all in my head. Now I know they weren't your words...but you gave them to me anyway." She stops, letting him process everything she's just said.
He looks down at his shoes for a long time, thinking about what to say. Giving her time to continue if she needs to. He knows he has destroyed the relationship they once had...knows he's damn lucky she even bothers with him at this point. Finally looking up, his eyes meet her and he sees the tears, the fear, the pain, and it's too much. He stands, gesturing towards the kitchen. He pours them both a glass of water and grabs a box of Kleenex before returning to the terrace. "Thank you," she says as he sets the water and the box of tissues in front of her.
He takes several gulps of water, steadying himself...his emotions. "You have every right to hate me. I've made a mess of everything we once had. I didn't intend to leave...not at first. I just needed some time and space to deal with what had happened. But I had IAB breathing down my neck, and Kathy telling me it would be better for everyone if I just walked away. She was tired...I got that. I knew if I talked to you, you would try to talk me out of it, and you would have succeeded. Liv, I knew I could never look you in the eyes and tell you I was walking away from you. I also know what a selfish son of a bitch that makes me." He paused, looking into her eyes, that familiar dark brown that he could get lost in. "But there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you. Not one. I know that's little consolation, but it's the truth, Liv."
A silence fell over the terrace. The full moon illuminated her face, highlighting the tears that still rolled slowly down her face. She looked up at him, noticing the tears on his face as well, and she had to fight the urge to comfort him. She would not, could not give in that easily.
"Liv...I know I can't change any of it. But when I said I love you...that was real. I just need you to know that even if you don't feel the same way, I will always love you. If your friendship is all you're able to give me, I understand that I don't even deserve that much from you." He reached out and gently touched her hand, grateful that she didn't recoil.
"Elliot...you know how I feel about you," she started, but paused to take a breath, determined to say what she came here to say. Looking up, she met his gaze and spoke slowly and clearly. "I love you, but I don't know how to stop being so angry at you." Turning her hand over, she wove her fingers into his. "That's fair," he replied. "I've got work to do to earn your forgiveness. But can you promise me one thing? Don't give up on me." His voice broke on the last sentence. He looked away, trying to keep her from seeing the pain in his eyes, but she reached out and placed her hand on his cheek, turning his face back to hers. Smoothing her thumb over his freshly shaved jaw, she allowed herself a moment of weakness. "I didn't give up on you for ten years. I wouldn't start now."
He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. "Thank you," he whispered against her ear, his warm breath on her skin sending a shiver down her spine. She hugged him back, then slowly pulled away. "I need to get home, but I will talk to you soon." Letting go, he asked, "Will you text me when you get home? Please?" She nodded before heading back into the apartment. He followed, walking her toward the door. She stopped briefly in the living room to say goodbye to Bernie. "It was nice to see you again, Mrs. Stabler." "You too, Olivia. Please come over again soon." She smiled as Elliot held the door open for her. "Thank you. I hope I can."
He returned to the living room, sitting down next to his mother. She put her hand on his knee, patting it gently. "She looks well, Elliot. I was so worried about her after everything she went through. It's good to know she is alright." He turned to look at her, confusion etched across his face. "What are you talking about, momma?"
"Oh Elliot. I forgot...I wasn't supposed to tell you."