Questions Of Faith

The Father I Thought I Knew

Published- 2020

Updated- 2021

Summary- Mary deals with her complex feelings surrounding Vincent's betrayal with some help from Lilith.

Relationships- Mary and Vincent, Mary/Shannon (Past), Mary and Lilith, Mary/Lilith

Tags- Betrayal, Complicated Relationships, Hurt/Comfort

Song- She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles

Punch.

The sack of potatoes she'd hung up as a makeshift punching bag warped considerably around the force of Mary's fist. This setup in the barn of the farm they were currently commandeering as a makeshift hideout wasn't the best substitute for a real gym but at least it beat aimlessly punching the wall. That could fuck up her hands too much and when they still didn't know where or who their enemies even were it was best to avoid unnecessary injuries. No, an army of Adriel's agents with demons in tow could burst through the barn door right now and force her to defend herself at a moment's notice. As much as she'd relish the chance to spill a little blood after what happened at the Vatican she knew it was never wise to go looking for a fight when you didn't have to. That was something Vincent taught her when she was still young and raw, looking for fights everywhere. Vincent, the thought of him had once brought her comfort at even her darkest moments; now it just brought anger.

Punch.

What do you do when you find out one of the two people you cared about most in the world, someone you considered family, killed the other person? What do you do when you find out someone you considered a father killed the love of your life? What do you do when you find out everything he ever told you was a lie? What do you do when you find out he probably never cared about you in the first place? She wasn't completely sure, but letting out her frustrations on this sack and imagining that it was Vincent's face that she was actually punching sure did feel good. Shannon would tell her that this was an unhealthy way of dealing with her problems. Vincent would try to get her to reflect on scripture instead. Shannon was dead though and Vincent killed her so right now she was doing things her way.

Punch. Punch. Punch.

"Don't trust anyone." Those had been Shannon's last words to her. She had taken that advice and applied it as she thought necessary. Ava, Lilith, Duretti; she didn't let any of them through her walls. Vincent was an exception, family, the only family she'd had since that night her mother shot her father and got locked away forever. She knew that she would never be accepted by some of the Sisters, she was too different, too broken, but at least she had someone she knew was always going to be in her corner no matter what.

Despite her best efforts, memories began flooding in through her mental walls. Her punches slowly began fading in intensity as tears started forming in her eyes. Vincent had been a source of comfort for her so many times.

"It'll take some getting used to but this is your home now; I won't let anything happen to you," when she was new to the Order and still a grenade waiting for someone to pull the pin.

"Failure is one of life's guarantees Mary and it would hardly be fair of me to expect you to be immune to it; you're more important than any mission, now get that leg checked out," after her first failed mission.

"I could never see you as just a tool Mary; you're far more than a means to an end for me," to ease her self-doubt when she began hearing the other Sisters' whispers that her only worth was as a hired gun.

"I've seen how happy she makes you Mary, how happy you make each other, and I don't know anyone who has a truly kind heart who could look at that and tell you that what you two have is wrong," when she was uncertain if he would approve of her relationship with Shannon.

The tears were flowing freely down her face now. The punches barely an imitation of shadow boxing. Was any of that actually true? She wasn't sure which answer to that question would actually be worse.

"Why did it have to be you," she asked quietly into the nothingness.

"Why did it have to be you," she repeated louder. "You fucking bastard."

"Why did you kill her," she practically screamed.

One final viscous punch was all it took for the sack to explode in a flurry of falling potatoes.

The sound of the barn door opening stopped her dead in her tracks. In an instant her training kicked in and she spun around to meet whatever threat had decided to interrupt her emotional breakdown.

The figure standing in the door looking nervous and unsure of herself wasn't a threat at all though, at least not the kind of threat she had been expecting, it was Lilith. For a while they just stood there staring at each other.

"Vincent's mistakes aren't your fault," Lilith finally spoke.

Mary made a noncommittal sound.

"They aren't."

"Look, I know what you're trying to do."

Lilith interrupted before she could finish her thought, "What I'm trying to do is stop you from beating yourself up over something that was completely outside of your control."

"Like you don't do that," Mary scoffed.

There was a pause, "You're right."

"I'm sorry I let us drift apart; I'm sorry I didn't give Shannon's death the respect it deserved."

"I was selfish and I let my pride get in the way of the things that actually mattered."

"You were afraid and I think you've more than paid your penance for that."

"Remember, I see you."

"You see me."

"Well I see you too Mary."

"I see you."

They held each other's gaze again for several moments.

"He was like a father to me," it felt weird to say it out loud like that.

"So much of who I am today is because he took me in and accepted me when no one else would."

"And he," she stumbled over this part. "He was one of the only people I ever told how I truly felt about Shannon."

"And he still killed her, he still sent me chasing down lead after threadbare fucking lead knowing deep down he was the one that was actually responsible."

She was close to breaking down again.

"How could I have ever looked up to someone capable of that?"

"How could I have been so fucking stupid?"

"If I hadn't seen and heard his conversation with Adriel myself I'd probably still be willing to walk into Hell for him."

It felt good to finally get that all outside of her head.

"Hey," suddenly Lilith was right in front of her.

"Your feelings about him are completely valid, no matter how complex and fucked up they may be."

"You aren't stupid, you're one of the smartest people I know."

"You cared about him, he was family to you, and he managed to deceive us all."

"It's not your fault," she repeated her earlier declaration.

"Remember what else you told me down in that crypt?"

"I've got you."

"You've got me."

"Well I've got you too Mary."

Lilith pulled her into an embrace and held her like she wasn't ever going to let go. And despite everything Mary actually believed the promise in that feeling. Maybe she was just being naive, maybe this would all blow up in her face one day too. If there was anyone who still deserved her trust though, still deserved her love, it was Lilith. The others, they were too new, they only knew her as the loner badass with two shotguns. Lilith was different, Lilith could look past all of her walls and truly see her. It felt good to be held by someone like that again.