A/N: Inspired by those three dorky Peters in a pod, straight out of No Way Home. For some reason, because of this, I can't shake off from my mind the image of Tony singing Bananaphone, backed up by the rest of the Peters... Anyway, please enjoy!
.: Like Five Peters in a Pod :.
"Tell me, who exactly was it that told you that you shouldn't touch anything with your hands?"
Peter grimaced and looked away. He would never have gotten there if it weren't for… A second Peter Parker folded his arms and pursed his lips, refusing to admit guilt. Another took a deep breath, about to argue, but was pushed in the shoulder by the fourth Peter, already ready to burst out a tirade about how important it is for science to test everything in practice.
"I mean, this thing was glowing!" the fifth Peter said authoritatively, while the first four were still quibbling. "And now, will we always be, well, like this?"
Stephen Strange squeezed the bridge of his nose and barely resisted the urge to groan. The saddest part was that this had happened under his watch, which, of course, Stark would naturally scoff at. If he ever found out.
"Oh, hey! What's this?"
A battle-axe fell to the floor with a crash, and one of the Peters deftly dodged the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak, with which Strange himself had once bound Kaecilius. The main thing that Strange had learned during his time at Kamar-Taj was the ability to admit his mistakes as quickly as possible. And now it took only fifteen minutes of Peter Parker's stay in the Sanctum to admit his pedagogical impotence.
Stark would definitely scoff at this. And no longer "if," but precisely "when" he learned about it, because the Sanctum could not survive for another fifteen minutes. Peter Parker alone was difficult to handle. With five Peter Parkers, divided by his character traits? No chance. Strange slid into a fighting stance and prepared to catch each super-strong and superhuman-dexterous teenager with a number of portals. The Peters twitched simultaneously and turned their heads in sync toward his direction.
Strange, by force of will, suppressed the wave of panic and leaped into battle.
─•~:~•─
Tony patted the palm of his hand with a ruler and looked at the Peters again. All five clones were settled on the couch like sparrows on a twig and silently following their mentor with their eyes. Five models of obedience to be sure.
"So. Once more please." He directed his words at Strange. "All this time you had a magical photocopier thingamajig on which you can duplicate yourself, but you didn't tell me about it? No, no, no, don't turn this around on Peter. What I care about is why I didn't know about this. All this time I might not have been a hamster in a wheel... One of me might be at a meeting, the other with Pepper, the third and the fourth developing something useful, and the fifth guarding the peace of the world in my armor..."
"I'm telling you, it's not a toy!" Strange colored and sniffed menacingly. "My Hall of Artifacts is not your sandbox!"
"And to think he never said a word to me," Tony continued to lament to no one in particular. "And all the ice cream last Thursday went to my secretary... Hey, Pete, what do you think? How's it feel?"
"It feels great!"
"You know, it's kind of hard to describe... I gotta collect more data—You know, make more of me."
"Oh, but I don't really like it very much. Mister Strange, is it possible to collect us back without this one? We're all sick of him!
"Hey! Say that again?"
"I'm hungry... Can I weave cobwebs in the kitchen?"
Tony exchanged glances with Strange. Strange's palm hit his forehead squarely.
"And how long will this last?" Tony pointed his finger emphatically in the direction of the couch, on which the Peters had begun a squabble and were now chattering away like magpie chicks.
"The effect wears off in five or seven days.
"Well, that's just dandy. All right, you take a couple of the Peters, and I'll put the rest of them somewhere else, too..."
Strange took a deep breath, covertly slipped his Sling Ring onto his middle and forefingers, and drew a circle under the cover of his cloak. "They shouldn't be separated for more than twelve hours. It can be bad for the integrity of Peter's personality. If there's a problem, you can contact Wong, and I have... I've got things to do. Yes, urgent matters. I'm out of here."
"Hold it right there," barked Tony, diving across the floor and almost managing to grab the magician, who had only just slipped through the vanishing portal. Almost, but still not in time, because the Cloak deftly twisted out of his fingers. "And he's gone! What an arsehole! Shameless..."
The Peters were silent again, and now they were staring at their furious mentor with five pairs of eyes.
"Hah, you dunce," one of them finally commented. "You should've kicked him instead of trying to catch him."
Tony narrowed his eyes and jabbed a finger in the direction of the speaking Peter. "Watch it, I might just call you Flea. Now... Friday, where's the nearest permanent marker?" Now all the Peters briskly stretched out their left hands.
"Oh, you're gonna number us, aren't you? To make it easier to keep track?"
"To the point, Smart Guy." Tony scrutinized the results. "Okay, great. Now we need to draw up a plan of action so that we hold with the hounds and run with the hares... figuratively speaking."
"Hold with the hare and run with the hounds," corrected Smart Guy, examining the number on his hand. "That's the common expression."
The rest of the Peters looked at each other and started talking again. Tony sighed and massaged his temples. It was going to be a long week. Especially considering what had happened had to be hidden from May Parker at any cost, or there would be one less Sorcerer Supreme in the world.
─•~:~•─
Until the school bell rang, Peter sat staring dreamily at MJ.
"Dude, are you okay?" Ned patted him on the shoulder. "You've been weird since Monday. Yesterday you scared the crap out of Flash, and he locked himself in the janitor's closet and wouldn't come out until you went home..."
"Oh, that's why he wasn't bothering me today?" Peter asked as he paused to pick up his backpack. "Good to know."
"What do you mean? Are you having memory blackouts?"
"Nope! Well, I'm off!"
"But where? Peter!"
Parker ignored his friend, catching up with MJ and offering to help her with her bag. She handed over the bag without even arguing, and then turned around, caught Ned's eye, and held up four fingers. Ned furrowed his brow, thinking. Peter really had been writing a new number on his hand every day since Monday. As if he was counting something...
─•~:~•─
"She's so... So! No, when we get together back into one Peter, we should definitely take her to a café or something."
Peter Lazy and Peter Smart stared at Peter Sweet. Their eyes were equally lined black and blue after their respective morning fights, and their ears were still red from being pulled by the corners, courtesy of Stark. As always, Peter Tingly was gone somewhere, most likely talking with various androids in Stark's workshop or patrolling the city, but Peter Naughty who was properly called "Flea" behind his back, was shamelessly napping in his spider cocoon in the kitchen, right next to the refrigerator.
"To a café? Like, on a date?" Peter Lazy grimaced. "She'll probably have our heads for something like that! If we're going to take her somewhere, it should be a place where she can't murder us if something happens. Still, I don't think I could bring myself to hit a girl..."
"Statistically, we've never once seen MJ solve problems with brute force," said Peter Smart in a tedious tone. "So she probably won't beat us up. Yeah, Flea, unlike you. You should have been called 'Peter Bad Guy.' It's just that Mr. Stark didn't know you very well yet."
"Oh yeah? I'll give you more," Peter Naughty promised, showing Peter Smart his fist. "In fact, if you don't finish what I started with Flash at school tomorrow, you better start praying!"
Peter Lazy grimaced and touched his tender eyebrow.
"That's only if my face heals before tomorrow. I'm not sure how fast my regeneration is going right now, but there's a good chance I'll wake up with a flashlight under my eye tomorrow, too."
"And MJ is so, so...!"
─•~:~•─
Tony enlisted Rhodey to escort the five Peters to the Sanctum, grabbed two empty armors guarded by Friday, and made sure Pepper had scared the boys enough this morning to make them be goodies.
"Strange!" Tony yelled at the entire Sanctum. "Come out, you pathetic coward! Wong said you'd be here!"
The Peters were huddled in one place, looking around eagerly. There was a great deal of interest all around, but Rhodey, meaningfully clinking with weapons, and the dangerously immobile armor controlled by Friday cooled their ardor well.
"May I see just a bit?" began Peter Smart.
"No," Rhodey cut him off in a stern voice. "Otherwise I'll get the handcuffs."
Tony snorted, expressly doubting the idea that some kind of handcuffs would hold Spider-Man. Time was playing against them. He looked around once more, and then cupped his hands by his mouth like a megaphone.
"Stra-e-e-nge!"
"Do not shout, not in the Sanctum." The magician finally appeared from the side corridor.
Tony nudged the slightly translucent Peter Naughty forward. "Already. So, we have to make sure they grab the artifact at the same time?
"Yes," Strange nodded, glancing critically at the boys. "Exactly. Then we'll see which side of the personality is dominant, because the lesser ones will disappear first. Follow me."
In the Hall of Artifacts, which was flooded with warm light streaming through the round stained glass window, the Peters looked at each other and climbed into a large hug. Peter Naughty was already almost completely transparent. Gradually, Peter Lazy began to follow suit, along with Peter Smart as he stared at his disappearing hands. Soon enough, Peter Sweet also began to lose materiality as well, leaving Peter Tingly to calmly watch as his counterparts dissolved.
"Now place your hands on the artifact frame at the same time," Strange instructed.
Five pairs of hands hovered over the artifact. The Peters looked at each other, smiled, and... vanished, leaving one Peter Parker, who flailed his hand in the air as if burned. On his palm was a smudged patch of five overlapping numbers.
"Mister Strange? I really just wanted to touch it!" He trailed off, looking around. "Oh, Mr. Stark? And Mr. Rhodes? When did you get here?"
Stark raised an eyebrow and stared at the sorcerer as if he wanted to kill him right on the spot.
"The memories of all five personalities will be restored over time," Strange explained, raising his hands reassuringly. "Based on the records, temporary amnesia is a very common and completely harmless side effect."
"Will they be sure to recover?" Tony frowned thoughtfully.
"Absolutely," assured Strange.
"I don't understand," Peter said plaintively. "What are you talking about?"
Rhodey snorted and stepped out of the armor. He threw his arm over Peter's shoulders. "We've had five little Peters running around the tower for a week. Pissed everybody off, including each other. Don't worry, there were no passes at school. You also scared the pants off one Flash Thompson, and you're going on a date with one MJ tomorrow."
"What!" Peter hissed, half strangled, trying unsuccessfully to faint. "What? How?"
Strange cleared his throat. "That's not the issue at hand here, Peter. It was both dangerous and reckless what you did, grabbing dangerous artifacts without my express permission," Strange explained to him in a scolding tone. "And from now on, I expect you call me 'sir.' Never, never, never touch anything you don't know about, especially if it's in the Hall of Artifacts because you never know..."
Rhodey glanced over the sorcerer's shoulder and abruptly did a double take. Peter followed his gaze and gasped... Strange, sensing something was wrong, faltered in the middle of his tirade and turned around.
He was greeted by five identical smirks delivered by five identical Tony Starks.
A/N: Thank you so much for taking the time to read my antics. As always, reviews are greatly treasured and are replied to. Or, if you'd prefer to comment more privately, feel free to shoot me a PM. Cheers, + KVP