1992 년 / 중국집 / 낮
혼자 깨작깨작 짜장면을 먹는 태이, 그런데 이상함이 느껴져 배 를 보면, 다섯 살쯤 된 사내아이가 태이의 무릎에 앉아 오물오 물 음식을 씹고 있다. 태이가 불러낸 환상이다. 아이가 귀여운 듯미소 짓는 태이.
테이 - 맛있어?
아이 - (올려다보며 끄덕)
테이 - 우리 탕수육도 먹을까? (주인아줌마에게) 여기 탕수육도 하나 주 세요.
주인아줌마 - 혼자 다 드실 수 있겠어요?
보면, 방금 전까지 태이의 무릎에 앉아 있던 아이가 사라졌다. 멍한 태이.
주인아줌마 - 아가씨가 배가 많이 고팠나 보네. 서비스로 몇 개 드릴게요.
테이 - 아니요, 한 그릇 다 주세요. 저 임산부거든요.
Tae Yi gazed down at the bowl of black bean noodles, the bright slivers of cucumber and pretty sesame seeds, her heart heavy.
It was a lovely day outside. Through the windows of the Chinese restaurant, she could see people going about their day, living their very normal lives--so very different from her own. Enjoying the nice weather, and the company of one another.
As ordinary and mundane as those lives were, she caught sight of plenty of smiles; the sort of smiles that reached their eyes, genuine and warm.
Her own life was fantastical, amazing and full of adventure, wondrous knowledge and so much more--and yet she was alone.
Her gaze dropped to her belly where a tiny person grew, another heart beating next to hers--no, not quite alone. The baby was here with her, her unborn child.
Although it wasn't noticeable yet, she'd heard it from the doctor herself, could feel the changes in her body, the presence of somebody else, somebody new and magical and hers.
A warmth filled her chest, affection for this tiny unborn baby she'd not yet met out in the world, washing away the emptiness she felt inside, the hollow feeling she'd had ever since Min Hyuk had talked about returning to Alice, had chosen the organisation over her--the person he loved most in this world--over them.
Love. Oh, love. That thing. Love was a thing, all right, but in the end, love was not enough. She was still just a person, one person, and Alice were so many more.
Tae Yi felt something shift inside of her, a type of resolve, a certainty. She was going to be a mother. And love--love was nice but at this point--love didn't come into it. And that was OK. At last, that was OK. That was life.
An image of a small child floated into her mind. The little boy sat in her lap, his brown eyes bright--real and alive--as he chewed on some noodles from the meal they shared.
She brushed a hand across his hair as he gazed up at her, her wonderful child. "Is it yummy?"
He gave her a happy nod, the satisfying weight of him in her arms so very reassuring, reminding her that she was not alone.
"Do you want to try some sweet and sour pork?"
Another nod. Oh, what a cute nose! What a sweet mouth, stained with black bean sauce. A pleasing, healthy appetite. The little hands, so precious!
"Excuse me!" she called out, smiling. "I'd like to order some sweet and sour pork."
The older woman looked her way, noticing that she'd barely touched her jajangmyeon. "Can you eat all of that?"
The unspoken "by yourself" stung Tae Yi's heart and the comforting image she'd drawn up of her child and her vanished. She was alone again. Alone, just as she looked.
"Must be hungry," the woman said. "How about this? I'll give you a few since you've been such a good customer."
But I'm not alone, Tae Yi thought, her strength returning. The baby is with me; we are together.
"That's a lovely offer, but I'd like to order a full serving all the same." A smile came to her mouth, her hand moving to rest against her belly warmly. "I'm pregnant."