Sammy let out a sigh of relief and dropped her head to her hand. She held her forehead and tangled her fingers up in her hair while she closed her eyes and focused on the sound of Cap's voice through the phone. They didn't know each other long, but being near death with someone tended to bring them close together.
"It's good to hear your voice, Cap," she said softly, shaking her head and trying not to think about the mess she was unraveling.
"You too," Cap said. "But if you just wanted to listen to me talk, you'd've called months ago."
Sammy slid her hand down the back of her neck and fingered the scar on her scalp. She remembered waking up in a fuzzy haze of pain and medication and the sick, heavy feeling flashed through her mind vividly. She shuddered.
"I know. I'm sorry. I should have reached out," she said.
"Don't worry about it," Cap said. She waited a moment and Sammy could hear her draw in a long, hard breath. "So why'd you really call, then?"
Sammy looked up to the booth near the window where the old man used to sit by himself most days. She'd serve him his usual order and he'd leave a handsome tip. The booth was empty that day, and it made her chest feel tight. She left this life behind for an entirely different one. The world even looked different to her now.
"I got some news that I have a bad feeling about," she started, sucking in her cheek and thinking back to the letter. "I have a suspicion it has something to do with the Major."
"And did you talk to the boys?" Cap asked. Sammy could hear the sarcasm in her tone and she wanted to laugh but her mind was racing. She was too distracted.
"Of course I did," she said dryly.
"And let me guess," Cap said, "they don't believe you?"
"They don't think there's enough evidence to go after it. Chasing a ghost, they said."
There was a pregnant silence between them both for a long minute. Sammy didn't mind it. For the first time in a while she felt like she was sharing the quiet with somebody who trusted and got her. She was entirely different from every single one them, right through from Barney to Angel, but with the women she felt a sort of kinship. She had only known them after basic, after all. The guys knew her before that. She wasn't sure she liked who she was before basic anymore. Then again, was she even that different?
"They might be right," Cap said lightly.
"Might be," Sammy echoed.
"But you don't think so."
"Of course not," Sammy said. "I need to do this. Look into it, dig up some dirt, get my hands dirty… I've been playing secretary for a little bit too long over here anyway."
Cap snorted a laugh and Sammy couldn't help but smirk. "Right. You can come meet us at our place sometime. I can try and pull up some old contacts, people that might be able to point you in a direction or two, but I'm gonna need more info."
"I'll fill you in," Sammy said. "Are you still around?"
Cap hesitated. Sammy felt the sudden weight of the realization wash over her. If they were still around, something must have been up. She waited patiently.
"We're in the area," Cap said eventually. "Resting up. We'll let you know more when you stop by, alright?"
Sammy nodded to herself as she looked down at her untouched food. "Alright. And listen… if anybody asks…"
"We haven't talked since the hospital," Cap said. "I got it."
"I appreciate it," Sammy said softly.
"Don't mention it," Cap said. "Sometimes there are just things we have to handle ourselves. But a word of advice, if you'll have it?"
"Of course," Sammy said, lifting her fork and fiddling with the scrambled eggs. They were a bit dry. Probably cold, too.
"Guys like the Expendables need to be in control, even if they don't realize it. You should tell them the truth. What're they gonna do? Stop you?"
Sammy dropped the fork again and it clinked against the plate. The waitress looked over at her and pressed a tired smile to her lips, an expression that Sammy knew all too well. She smiled back.
"They'd find a way," Sammy said. "I'll tell them eventually, anyway."
"And Lee?" Cap asked.
"What about him?" Sammy asked. She knew exactly what Cap was referring to, though.
"You know what I mean," she said. Sammy smirked to herself. Of course Cap could read her mind from miles away.
"We're moving through things together," Sammy offered.
"So if you do this, what's it gonna cost?" Cap asked.
Sammy took a breath and looked around Rico's. She loved Lee. He had been there for her through the darkest point of her life, which was saying something, because she seemed to live in the shadows as it was. He was good and funny and kind, especially to her, and especially when she needed it most. They had their ups and downs. Everybody did.
But then there was Bee. The image of her smiling and jogging beside her danced in her mind. Like Captain, Sammy didn't know Bee for long, but she was a piece of herself she didn't realize she was missing. She felt her absence now.
"What will it cost if I don't?" She said.
Cap was quiet for another second. "I'll text you an address. Let me know when you have the time to come."
"Copy that," Sammy said.
She clicked off her phone and set it down on the counter before she reached into her pocket for some cash. Maybe she was being stupid and emotional. Maybe it would be easier to accept Bee as lost and not obsess over a connection that might not even be there. Maybe it would be worth turning a blind eye to this and just setting up a picture of her and Bee from basic near Riley's little memorial in the kitchen. Another candle for another person, another friend, another sister.
If Lee had to make the choice, if it had been one of the Expendables, Sammy had no doubt in her mind that he would stop at nothing for the answers. The name was ironic. They weren't expendable, not to each other, and certainly not to Sammy. But she had to make a choice; Bee or them. They had put her in a difficult position. But at the end of the day, she didn't even have to think about it. She knew what she would do.
Because if Bee was out there, alive, even if it was just the smallest chance in the world, Sammy refused to let her suffer alone. She'd cross the world to get her free. She couldn't take away Riley's cancer, but if she could save Bee, that would be one less tally-mark on the tragedy counter of her life. But this wasn't about Riley, or about Sammy.
It was about the truth.
She set a few bills down on the counter next to her full plate of food and half empty cup of coffee. She didn't spare another glance at the waitress working behind the bar. She did, however, look at the empty window booth again. She hoped the old man was alive and well, wherever he was. Somebody in the world deserved to be.
—-
Lee was sitting on the couch with his elbows propped on his knees, rubbing his hands together like he was trying to start a fire. He was angry with Barney. He was trying to keep things good with Sammy and make everything that had gone wrong right. This was really putting a damper on things, though. He checked his watch for the third time in the last minute and sighed. He wanted to talk it over with her and explain himself. He couldn't just go against Barney, who he had trusted with everything for so long, just for her feelings. Or could he? He groaned and slapped his forehead a few times.
The doorknob rattled and he jumped up suddenly, taking a few steps towards the kitchen before Sammy walked in looking tired and sad. He felt a flash of anger and worry but bit it back. She met his eyes and sighed.
"Hi," she said carefully, setting her bag down on the island counter and looking over to the photos of Riley. Lee blinked a few times and settled his hands on his hips.
"Hey," he said, looking her over. She chewed absently on her lower lip and seemed a bit distant. He swallowed and took a few more steps towards her before she looked back at him and met his eyes.
"Make anything for dinner?" She asked.
He hesitated. He was expecting to get right into the conversation or the fight or whatever it ended up being, but she seemed entirely uninterested. Or maybe it was tired. Not tired like she needed sleep, but tired like exhausted. He furrowed his brows.
"Not yet," he said simply. "Are you hungry?"
"Not really," she said with a breath, trying to perk up. "Might just go to sleep."
She made to move by him and he couldn't wait any longer. He took her arm gently in his hand and pulled her towards him, his eyes searching hers for any hint of anger or resentment.
"Are we going to talk about it?" He asked.
"What's there to talk about?" She said back, not bothering to pull her arm away. She knew she had devised a plan of her own, so what was the use in being upset about what the guys did? They'd forced her to use her resources to follow her gut.
Lee nearly scoffed and looked around, wondering if it was actually Sammy in front of him for a split second.
"Um, everything," he tried. "Listen, I just-"
"I don't-" she started, sucking in a sudden breath before she caught herself and closed her eyes. She gently pulled her arm away from him and cleared her throat. "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
When she opened her eyes and met his again, there were tears shimmering in the light. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound escaped.
"Sammy," he tried, moving towards her again, worried. "I'm sorry, okay? You know I only want what's best for you, right?"
Sammy looked away from him again. What about what she thought was best? Did that matter? She felt the metaphorical lock around her tighten just slightly. Maybe she had broken out of her old life and was reborn into this one, but this one came with a cage called protection. Sure, risk meant potentially dying, but so did sitting still. At least to Sammy, it did.
"It doesn't matter, does it?" She asked with a shrug. "It's done now. You all decided."
Her tone wasn't particularly cold but Lee still frowned. He closed the distance between them and pulled her against his chest, one hand pressed firmly to the back of her head while the other wrapped around her waist. She didn't fight it. She sighed into him and folded her hands up under her chin, against his chest.
"It does matter. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you lost her," he said into the top of her head. She stared off to the side, catching sight of the flickering tea candle in front of Riley's pictures. There were tears in her eyes. She wasn't crying from grief, though. She wasn't even sure why she was crying if she was being honest. She still didn't believe that Bee was dead.
"I just wanna go to sleep," she said quietly, tugging herself back from him. He wiped at the tears on her cheeks and nodded.
"I'll be in soon," he said.
She hummed in response and headed off down the hall towards her room. The house was quiet and Lee looked after her, confused and uncertain. He had been expecting a fight. Then again, everything was different now. Sammy didn't have anything left to prove. Lee knew just how strong and capable she was. He scratched at his stubble and silently cursed Barney for effectively putting him between a rock and a hard place.
After a few minutes and his nightly rounds checking the house, he slid under the covers behind her and pulled her into him. He sighed as he buried his face in her neck and closed his eyes. He assumed she was already asleep, but she wasn't.
She opened her eyes and looked forward. It felt wrong not to be completely open with Lee. That was the one thing they had going for them for the entirety of their relationship. The only exception might have been when she signed up for basic with Tool's help, but that was really just a matter of figuring out how to tell him. With this, Sammy didn't want to tell him at all. The thought settled uncomfortably within her and she tried to focus on his arms wrapped around her. It was cozy, warm, and like home. He'd held her through so much so far. She figured that he just couldn't hold her through this; this was her game, her hunt, and she had to deal with it solo. That didn't mean that she didn't wish he was lying next her with the knowledge of what she had planned. She didn't like keeping things from the people that she loved. But if her past made anything about her clear, it was that despite not liking it, she was very good at it.
—-
Gunner was sweating. His palms were clammy and his hair was soaked. He was shaking, rocking himself back and forth, trying to comfort the cravings without the drugs. A drink wouldn't do it for him. He knew that. One beer would turn to two, which would turn to a shot of vodka, which would turn to a bottle, which would turn to a shelf, which would turn to a whole liquor store setting up in his living room. That was if he didn't find the drugs in his drunken state first. The thought made him nauseous. He pounded on the side of his head and stood up to pace, his shirt soaked through with sweat.
Sammy had looked at him like her heart was breaking into pieces. He remembered when he had been put to the task of keeping her safe when the whole situation with Biffo spiraled out of control, and he felt like that mission had never really ended. It would never end. He'd keep her safe or die trying. The only problem was that the safe choice wasn't always clear. Would it be what the team thought was best, or would it be what she wanted? He couldn't make heads or tails of the damn situation. He flattened his hand against the wall and leaned into it. Cravings always did away with time. He hated it. He felt like a second had hardly gone by, but at the same time, like it had been a century.
There was a stain on his couch where he had been sitting from all the sweat. His place was kind of a mess, too. Everything was a mess. He was slowly sinking back into his usual Crankenstein self despite all of his efforts. Something about seeing Sammy walking away again had made something inside of him snap. She was special to him in a way he couldn't explain and it was beginning to drive him insane. He didn't love her. She was like a sister, maybe. Somebody he couldn't afford to lose. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so conflicted about hurting someone. He wanted to help her, but how could he without his team? The Expendables, as much as he hated to admit it, were his family; his people. Barney gave him a chance when nobody else in the world would.
He turned and slammed his fist into the wall at his side. He groaned and pulled his hand into his chest as he fumbled backwards, cursing. The pain shot up his wrist and arm and into his shoulder and he fell back onto the couch again with a muffled grunt. A drop of sweat fell from his nose and he licked it away, shaking, wishing he had something to take a little bit of the edge off of everything.
He looked to his phone and felt his heart get heavy in his chest. It made him dizzy. He cradled his injured hand against his stomach and reached forward to grab the phone, grunting against the movement. He looked down at the screen, debating which number to call.
He had never deleted his dealers number. He knew that was just setting himself up for failure, but he didn't have the strength to do it alone. His lips curled over his teeth and all he wanted was some type of high to numb all of the pain inside and out. The phone began to shake in his hand as his thumb flicked between the contacts.
—-
Sammy was hardly asleep when her phone rang. She jumped, worried it might be Cap with information, but Lee hardly stirred. She sighed and grabbed her phone before she pulled herself into the hallway towards the bathroom and pressed it to her ear.
"Gunner?" She asked, confused, squinting against the bright bathroom lights. The world felt light and unreal around her as she moved. She was more tired than she thought.
"Hi," he said, his voice thick and exhausted. Sammy frowned and sat on the edge of the bathtub, tugging on her clothes to keep the porcelain chill away from her skin.
"Is everything alright?" She asked, concerned.
There was silence on the other end and that was answer enough for her. She caught the tail end of Gunner's last battle with drugs when she started really hanging around Lee and the group, but she could recognize the signs well enough from her own experience. She sucked in a breath.
"Do you need help?" She asked.
"I'm not sure," he said softly, his voice muffled through the speaker. His breaths were heavy and hard and loud against Sammy's ear. She cringed away from the noise slightly but kept the phone steady near her head.
"Did you…" she started, glancing at the cracked bathroom door to make sure Lee hadn't stirred. "Did you use?"
Gunner drew in an unsteady breath and Sammy felt her heart beating in her throat. It really was starting to seem like life was good until it wasn't. When it wasn't good, it was always really bad. Maybe that was just her luck.
"No," he said. "I want to."
Sammy nodded to herself and leaned against the wall, her bare feet curling up against the cold tile floor.
"I'm glad you called me, then," she said carefully. "What's wrong?"
Gunner didn't answer. He didn't want to bring it up again because for the moment Sammy seemed okay. Maybe it was just the time of night or maybe it was her concern for him, he wasn't sure, but he figured she would be angry with all of them. She deserved to be. She hadn't really asked for much in the long run. Barney had his eyes set on the Major and taking him down and he was prone to tunnel vision. Gunner was one to talk, though. He was the worst when it came to tunnel vision.
"Gun, do you need company?" She asked. "Someone to keep you honest?"
Sammy listened carefully to the shifting and breathing coming through the phone. She thought back to the pills she had taken and for a split second she wished she had some. It was a fleeting thought but it scared her regardless. That was her past. She was better now, different. She combed her fingers restlessly through her hair and her knee started to bounce. Would she even be capable of helping Gunner right now? She couldn't just leave him hanging. He had trusted her enough to call.
"I… I think so," he said. He sounded so childlike and afraid, and suddenly her heart was aching for him. She wanted to pull him into her chest and keep him safe until he fell asleep.
"You can come here," she said quickly, standing from the edge of the tub and placing herself in front of the mirror. She focused down on the sink and swallowed over her budding anxiety. "Lee is asleep. You don't have to be alone right now. Are you alright to drive?"
"Mhm," he hummed, and he could hear the sound of him raking his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, Sammy."
"Don't," she said quickly, shaking her head as though he could actually see her. She pressed her palm against her cheek and closed her eyes, swaying slightly. "Just come over, okay? I'll get the couch ready."
"Okay," he said.
"Okay," she said.
She clicked the call off and placed her phone down on the side of the sink. She finally looked at herself in the mirror and took note of the dark circles under her eyes. Her eyes, which were turned down at the edges and sad, sagging with the weight of emotion. Her lips seemed to be stuck in a permanent scowl. Her mind flashed back to Bee and she had to close her eyes and shake her head to try and get rid of the intrusive thoughts.
Sammy wondered how long it would take her and Cap to gather information on Bee's apparent death and its possible connection to the Major. She hoped it wouldn't be long because she wasn't sure how long she could live with not knowing. She turned on the faucet and sprayed some cold water over her hand before she rubbed it down her face and slicked her hair back. Her finger met the scar on her neck again and she had to pause and remind herself of who she was: Gogh, the artist and gun-for-hire, who loved Lee Christmas, and who could handle whatever obstacle life threw at her. Gogh was like a shell around Sammy, a protective layer that had formed under pressure and kept her safe from the worst parts of the world. She knew she needed to turn Sammy off and be Gogh if she wanted to get anywhere with this investigation, especially if she had to do it behind everyone's backs- behind Lee's back. The only problem was that this world was too tight and small for Gogh to comfortably fit in. Sammy didn't always mind the watchful eyes or worried glances, but Gogh did. The scar was a reminder that she had overcome something by herself. She had done that and survived. She looked death in the eye and told him he had taken enough from her already.
It seemed he was back with a vengeance, if Bee really was dead. If she was, she knew she would stop at nothing to make it right. She was about to dive headfirst into the mess anyway, so why not go all the way? Maybe revenge wasn't the purest of motivations, but some people just deserved to be loved so hard that revenge was the only option, and Bee was good. She deserved to be avenged, maybe more than anybody.
Sammy turned off the bathroom light and stole a glance into the bedroom. Lee was fast asleep, rolled over on his stomach now that she wasn't there. He snored slightly. She pressed a smile to her cheeks and headed for the door to wait for Gunner. She really hoped he was actually sober. She had enough to deal with as it was without the added urge to use, but she couldn't let him suffer alone. Whether they liked it or not, she was an Expendable now, so that made her family. That meant they took care of each other.
That also probably meant they were honest with each other, too. Whatever. It's not like a fully-functional family ever really existed, anyway.
—-
Barney couldn't sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw things he really didn't want to see. He wasn't typically a queasy guy, if that wasn't already obvious from his career choice, but the memories of his younger days still settled uneasily in his mind and made him nauseous. Maybe he was used to blood and gore now, but he hadn't always been. The sick feeling was a memory but memories were powerful.
He decided to ride his bike out to the hangar and busy himself with whatever he could but it was proving to be easier said than done. Every shadow felt like a ghost, every sound like a disembodied voice. He had to pause what he was doing to check the perimeter a few times already. He had half a mind to yank out a cot and just knock himself out, but just the thought of dreaming about her made him angry and irritated. Why couldn't she stay in the past where she belonged? Why couldn't she mind her own business? Life was starting to get messy and complicated with Sammy and it was really triggering some vivid flashes of Barney's old life. They'd been fleeting and few and far between at first, but now they were nightly, daily, and damn near hourly. Sometimes he felt like he couldn't blink without being reminded of her face, or her voice, or the entire damn war.
He let the wrench in his hand rattle against the table and braced his hands against his hips. Seeing Lee with Sammy did remind him of when he was younger. He wasn't jealous or mad or upset about any of it, he just wanted to sleep through the night without seeing her eyes. Was that so much to ask? He'd killed people and slept perfectly fine while still covered in their blood, but this? This was some sick and twisted form of torture, he was sure of it. She was everywhere all of the time in all of the space around him. A ghost.
He was locked in a little cage with a ghost and it was getting harder and harder to ignore that he was haunted. He had gotten good at it for so many years, but these things seemed to be unpredictable. He was grouchy about it, too. It wasn't even just Sammy that brought up those memories, it was all of them. All of those women. Headstrong, stubborn, and good as hell at their jobs. It was eat or be eaten to them, and they had no plans of winding up on somebody else's plate. This life was a mans world, Barney knew that, and he knew that they had guts to do whatever they pleased in spite of that. It reminded him so much of himself when he was younger, and so much of her. It was always about her. He tried not to let it be, but it was. The first time he saw that look in Lee's eyes was the first time in decades she had resurfaced so vividly in his mind.
He ran his hand over his greasy, slicked back hair and shook his head. He was tired. He wondered briefly if he was making a mistake with all that stuff about Sammy and Bee, but he dismissed the thought. The situation didn't sit right with him and he knew Lee didn't deserve to feel the way Barney did about his past. It was a stubborn decision, but at least Barney knew how to stick to his brand. If anything happened to Sammy, Lee would never recover. He had to protect his friend, his second-in-command, and his business interests. Still, there was the tiniest bit of grief there. Uncertainty. The team had followed along with him so easily and he wondered if maybe it actually was the right decision. Let Sammy grieve her first encounter with this life and banish it to the past to be mourned and quickly forgotten.
Who was he kidding, though? He was the perfect example of the past having that sneaky way of sneaking up on people. Even if Sammy grieved Bee and moved on it would come back to haunt her for the rest of her life at some point.
He shook his head. He had made his decision. The faster they could put all of this behind them, the faster they could all move on. They needed to do that desperately. The Major was taking up too much of their time and resources. Not only that, but the toll it was taking on everyone was clear; not everyone got hurt on that mission, but nobody left that place unmarked.
Barney turned back to his tool box and sighed. Right decision or not, it had been made. It was done. It was carved in stone already, bound to time by a ball and chain. He started cleaning up his tools and tried not to think about the war and his past.
It wasn't going so well.
—-
Sammy heard Gunner's bike before she saw it. It was a wonder it didn't wake the whole neighborhood. By the time he turned it off in front of her house, she was sure Lee would have woken up from it. She stood and leaned into the bannister, hands folded patiently over top of it, while she watched Gunner lug himself up the driveway and towards her. He was wearing a denim jacket with the sleeves torn haphazardly off, a few old patches rotting away on his chest. His hair was messy and sweaty and heavy on his head, not moving against the breeze in the slightest. He was pale. His boots pounded up the stairs of the porch and she watched him from her spot, curious and tired, until he stopped in front of her and couldn't meet her eyes.
"What is it, Gunner?" She asked, turning fully towards him, brows and knitted as she tried to get him to look at her.
He let out a grunt and ran his hand over his hair. His nails were bitten down to little stumps that must have been painful. Sammy reached up a hand and wrapped her fingers around his wrist gently, trying to coax him to open up.
"You can talk to me, Gun," she said sweetly. She pressed a smile onto her cheeks and waited until his eyes finally dragged themselves up from the ground and to her face. He searched her eyes for any hint of anger towards him, but oddly enough, there wasn't anything. He swallowed hard and studied her face.
"Do you ever just want to disappear?" He croaked, his voice stuck in his throat.
Sammy chuckled a little bit and pulled his hand down from his head so that she could hold it between them in both of her own. She ran her thumb over his scarred and calloused knuckles, not too dissimilar to Lee's.
"More than you'd think," she admitted.
"About… About Bee, I'm- I'm sorry," he tried, dropping his eyes from hers.
She sighed and held his hand a little tighter. "You did what you thought was right," she said.
He looked back up at her. Had he done what he thought was right, really? Or did he just do what was safe? His eyes flicked over her features, soft and smooth in the moonlight, and he remembered the first time he saw her in the shop. She didn't look too different than she did now on her porch. He knew so much more about her, though. He had fought at her side. He had kept her safe. What was he even keeping her safe from anymore? He didn't know, but if she wasn't there, he wasn't sure he'd have a purpose whatsoever.
"Gunner," she said, pulling him closer and raising her brows, trying for sympathy. "I'm not upset with you. I-" She hesitated, debating telling him the truth about her intentions. She thought better of it. The less they were involved, the better it would be, especially if it went downhill. "I knew it would be a long shot."
"You really think she's alive?" He asked suddenly, tightening his shoulders as a chilly breeze swept over them. Sammy pursed her lips and watched him for a moment before she decided to speak.
"I do," she said softly. "Here."
She pressed his hand to her chest over her heartbeat. He hesitated for a second and tried to pull away but she held him steady, watching his face.
"My heart is still beating," she said. "You haven't lost anyone."
He blinked a few times. Was he afraid of losing people? Was that why he pushed everyone away? Why he relied on drugs? The only person he could lose on drugs was himself, and he hated himself. But then why hadn't he used in so long?
She pulled one hand away from his and rested it flat over his heart. He felt tears beading in his eyes, something he wasn't used to feeling, and he watched her.
"Your heart is beating. You're alive, and that's okay."
After a second he curled in on himself and she pulled him into a hug. He was taller than her, so she stood on her toes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and she stared out into the sky as he held her back.
You're alive, and that's okay.
Sammy was alive. She knew that, but she figured it had to be for a reason. Right now, that reason was Bee. She felt Gunner breathing hard in her arms and wondered how badly it would hurt him if she really did disappear, even if disappearing meant finding Bee. She didn't have much time to think about it, because in the corner of her eye she noticed the door open and Lee slid out, yawning and confused.
She gripped Gunner just a bit tighter and met Lee's eyes. He watched them, uncertain, but after a second he leaned back against the door.
"He alright?" He mouthed, crossing his arms over his stomach.
"He will be," she mouthed back. She scratched the back of his head softly and felt him hold her just a little bit closer.
She figured that if she had to go away to find Bee, the Expendables would be okay. They always were. It was apart of their job description. She just had to figure if it would be worth it.
One step at a time, she thought to herself. First she needed to get the information together. Then she could figure out the rest.