xTesting, Testing, 1, 2, 3….
Chapter 1 – "I Thought You Couldn't be Biased?"
"I still don't understand where Bortles went?" Jason whined. "Molotov's ALWAYS work!"
Tahani, Gen, Michael and Eleanor were gathered in the judge's chambers, watching as Janet attempted to comfort Jason. It wouldn't be long now until a new year would start, though there was still much to do. Numerous details needed to be sorted out: which of them would have their mind wiped (Chidi), which of them would organize the group activities (Janet), and most importantly, which one of them would become the new architect.
While it was agreed that Michael could assist whomever was in charge, Gen decided it wouldn't be fair to allow Michael to run the new experiment. He had too much experience practicing and manipulating things in his favor. They were attempting to demonstrate change and in order to do so honorably, someone new needed to be pulling the strings.
New year, new subjects, new architect, new rules.
Therefore, Gen gave Tahani, Jason, and Eleanor the chance of a lifetime; or was it after-lifetime? She provided them the opportunity to 'share Michael's powers,' in order to run the neighborhood. All they had to do was pass their test, in the fastest amount of time.
In order for things to be fair, Michael was allowed to design the tests. He knew each of them well, after being with them for over 800 reboots. While Gen suggested she could just read their files, Michael argued living with them, gave him insight a file never could.
"Tahani," Michael began, his voice warm and slow as if every syllable was seeping out slowly, "you're first." The pause between 'Tahani' and 'you're first' not brief enough to appear out of context but just brief enough to command the attention of the room.
Looking at his long arm outstretched, his fingers that poked out beneath this grey suit pointed to the left. Suddenly a portal magically appeared. The door looked like a massive ball of blue, purple, and black electricity crackling wildly. There was a clear wind blowing inside where the middle of that portal was, or appeared to be. "Don't worry, it looks terrifying but it's really not. There's a simple classroom next door. Your test will appear and when you are done, you'll simply wait there until a portal opens back up to come here."
Seeming to calm her, Tahani stepped forward, hesitating only when Michael spoke again,
"With the exception of that one frog lord, who was shredded into a hundred thousand tiny pieces, the creation of new portals has been deemed, completely safe." He offered cheerfully.
"Dude really?" Eleanor scolded, elbowing him in the ribs. "Look babe, it's going to be fine. We've made it through so much shirt already. You're not going to let one small stupid portal door stop you now, are you?" Placing her hand on her hip she challenged that gorgeous skyscraper, hoping to provoke her inner strength.
Tahani took a deep breathe, glancing at Eleanor and nodding. Of course, she was right. After everything they had already tackled, what was one more door? Her mind made up, she headed towards the vortex that looked like it lead to impending doom. The sound of her stilettos echoed off the walls of the chamber, producing a rhythmic sound only Tahani Al-Jamil could conjure. God even her legs were all elegance and grace.
Eleanor turned back to the group, catching a fleeting glimpse of Tahani's gorgeous pastel sundress, as it fluttered through the portal.
"Jason, you're next," Michael began, clapping his hands together. Another door magically appeared on his right. He pointed towards the portal, "Now look, there's nothing to-"
"Oh dip! I get one too!" Jason cheered, taking off running towards the portal. Before Michael could reply, Jason took off running, flipping his lollipop while jumping into a front flip through the portal door. Eleanor and Janet exchanged knowing smiles, while Gen just stood back shaking her head.
Eleanor realized she was next. A thousand thoughts were running through her head. What kind of test would she have to do? Would she pass it as easily as she passed the last one when she was here? Not everyone had all of their memories back, but Eleanor did. Was knowing helping her or hurting her in this situation? Perhaps Janet sensed her trepidation because she spoke first, breaking the silence of the room.
"You'll do as well as your intellectually capacity and physical stamina allow. " Janet encouraged leaning forward slightly, she offered a genuine smile before she arched back and assumed her automatic position.
While she had come a long way it was still hard for her to differentiate between encouragement versus information.
Michael turned to her, lifting his hand to reach for hers, but deciding against it. Though not before Gen cocked her eyebrow curiously at the gesture. If there was one obstacle Eleanor needed to tackle, it was her nerves. Learning to care came with more feelings than she was comfortable with or knew how to process. Life was easier when she didn't have to worry about letting anyone down, or humanity, or love. Not giving a shirt surely takes the pressure off.
"Thanks, sweet cheeks," Eleanor said, as she turned towards Michael.
When their eyes met, he offered her a smile, but unlike with the others it didn't look routine. There was a warmth there, a silent communication of words she couldn't quite translate. Without giving herself too much time to gaze, she prepared herself,
"I'm ready, hit me. What'd I get? A pack of screaming banshees to tame? A G rated situation with Sam the Eagle? A shrimp strike?" rubbing her hands together, mainly to mask her nerves, she smirked in feigned delight for the upcoming test. Truly all she wanted was to get this over with. Replaying the advice, she gave to Tahani in her head, she took a steadying breath through her nose.
"This way," Michael motioned as he took her hand, and turned her around behind Gen's desk.
Though the walk wasn't far, she accepted his hand and let him escort her to the door. When she looked up to him questioningly, he gave one last squeeze, before clearing his throat and releasing her."
Eleanor stared at the vortex, looking identical to the ones he had just created for Jason and Tahani. They went through, this was no big deal. Just her one shot to have magical powers and maybe save all of humanity.
"You've got this Eleanor," he encouraged nodding as his own hand fell to his side. Eleanor flexed her fingers on the hand he just held, feeling a shiver. She frowned when she looked down at her hand, but quickly smiled as she turned back up to meet his eyes.
"Well, as you'd say, keep it sleazy," and with that, she winked, and giving herself no time to change her mind, she turned and hopped through the door.
When Tahani appeared on the other side of the portal, she stumbled slightly. Her hands caught on a wooden desk. It looked like an old school house room that belonged in another time. How ironic, another lesson to be learned, another classroom to occupy. She turned around taking in her surroundings. There were no windows, but the room was lit as if the sun was shining through. There were various pictures on the walls of what she could only assume were different universes.
She saw a glass of water appear on the desk in the front row, and walked over to inspect it. She glanced around, noting the dust and 'vintage' decor with a frown. Sitting down, she smoothed out her dress and grabbed the glass. She analyzed it for cleanliness before taking a sip. The cool liquid helped to ease her nerves, simultaneously alleviating the dryness in her throat.
Behind the desk set for a 'teacher' writing appeared on the chalk board.
1. You will have one situation to solve and three tools to solve it.
2. You will have no more than ten minutes to do it.
3. You will have all of Michael's powers at your disposal.
4. Whoever solves the fastest, in the correct way, wins.
5. The door will appear when all test subjects complete their task.
6. When you are ready, simply say "Begin"
Well, at least that was clear enough. She imagined what Jason and Eleanor's test were and if they'd be similar to hers. Would she have to host a party for kahmila? Play waiter again as she did on earth? God, please don't let it be that. If only there was some way to prepare for a test you have no heads up on. Sighing she took one more sip of water before scowling at it. As she placed her hands together on the desk, she said,
"Begin."
click
Faster than she could process the classroom transformed into a jungle like scene. There were elephants attempting to cross a rickety bridge and falling through to their death. The old bridge was littered with gaping holes, screaming of instability. On their current side was a tree with no fruit, but on the other, was a plethora of banana trees. 'Okay', she thought to herself, 'so there were two sides, food, and banana's'. Obviously, the tree in front of her, baring no fruit could no longer sustain them. But they weren't able to cross the broken bridge to get to the trees that are full. Looking to her right there were three stumps, each with one item on them. Each item, a miniature replica of the item it portrayed.
The first one had piles of wood. To patch the bridge, she imagined. The second, was a banana tree overcome with fruit and healthy leaves. The last was a single seed. What to choose? She contemplated tapping her perfectly manicured finger against her lips. She looked into the sky and saw a clock ticking down.
8:34 to go. She needed to choose quickly, but correctly. The banana tree will give them the food they need now! Subsequently stopping them from crossing the bridge. 'They'll have food, AND stop dying, brilliant!' she spoke aloud.
Without contemplating any longer, she grabbed the small banana tree, and the clock stopped. 8:25. The jungle dissolved and she was back in the old school classroom. There was no indication if what she chose was correct, so all she could do now was just sit and wait.
In Jason's room he yelled,
"PLAY!"
"WORK"
"START!"
"GO!"
Until Janet binged in and pointed to the word on the chalk board,
"Thanks Girl, BEGIN!"
click
"Not a-"' His classroom was transformed into a sports arena. More specifically, the Jaguar's football field in Jacksonville. The players were out on the field but multiple players were seemingly in some sort of pain. The sun was scorching hot, yet the game continued on. Playing injured was one of the worst mistakes a player could make. Why would his team be out there if they were so hot, and hurt, and needed water?
"No! Bortles!" he pleaded, lest his favorite player get injured and miss the season.
To his right three items appeared on the bleachers. The first, was a bottle of water. The second a stretcher, and the third, a whistle. Fearing for the life of his favorite quarterback, he grabbed the water bottle, morphed it into a Molotov cocktail, lit it on fire, and hurled it at the referee; hoping that it would stop the game. With this mess, Bortles wouldn't have to play. But before he could see what happened, the scene dissolved around him and he was back in his classroom.
8:59
"Bortles!" he pouted, grasping at the chalk board. Janet binged in to comfort him, assuring him that Bortles was not ever really in any danger. Though she was struggling to make him believe her.
Michael and Gen remained in the chambers seeing the lights above Jason and Tahani's portals. It indicated that they had finished their assessments and arrived back in their classrooms. It was this moment that Michael began pacing, wearing a hole in the floor.
Gen conjured a couch and flopped back on it, eyeing him wearily.
"What's eating yah squiddy?" she inquired, summoning an ottoman to prop her feet on.
"No, nothing, it's nothing," he offered a little too quickly. If his anxious pacing hadn't given him away, his shaky tone certainly did. Why hadn't she started yet? Did she just freeze up? Perhaps he could have Janet bing him in, just so he could check on her? Gen was mumbling on something about Eleanor, but all he wanted was for her to stop talking, so he could hear a click sound. The click that sounded signifying each test had begun.
After another ten minutes Eleanor still had not come out of her classroom. It was clear that she hadn't even started her test; even if he missed the click, she would've exceeded the time limit and been sent back by now. This was what he was worried about. He knew that she would be able to accomplish the task, God, she had beaten him at every test he had ever given her. But he was worried her nerves would get the best of her.
"I'm guessing she's the one you're rooting for?" Gen asked, finally breaking his concentration. Her eyes followed his- over to the portal Eleanor had walked through earlier. Her question gave him pause and he turned frantically towards her,
"Have you MET Jason?" he asked, exasperated. Throwing his hands up in the air and continuing to pace. No Jason wouldn't pass his test, his impulses were always his downfall and he had no doubt that using Bortles would break him immediately. Oh Jason, the completely clueless, half braindead cockroach he'd come to care for. This entire experiment never would've been the same without him.
"Well, what about Tahani, I didn't see you pacing over her, and she seems completely competent?" she continued, receiving only a 'pfh' in return.
It was intriguing really, how he seemed to talk just a bit softer, explain a bit sweeter, when speaking to one specific human. She just hoped he knew what he was doing. Being reformed was one thing, but this was beyond the realm of possibility.
"You know the rules Michael," Gen warned, realization dawning on her. "The universal balance and humanities well-being depends upon you honoring that," Gen continued, waiting for him to catch on.
A red light appeared over the top of both Tahani and Jason's portals consecutively. Michael sighed, looking back to the judge.
"There is no need to think such things," he supplied, slowing his pace, but still walking none the less.
Had his empathy for Eleanor become so transparent? Was it wrong to be worried for his friend? Not to mention he believed that if anyone was capable of running a new neighborhood, of harboring the pressure of the entire fate of humanity, it was Eleanor Shellstrop. And now, with Tahani and Jason both failing, only one human may ever have the chance.
"Isn't there? From where I'm standing no one else, was walked to their portal, no one else, generated this anxiety in you, no one else-"
"OK. I get it!" he replied a little louder than he intended. "Look, she's important to me yes. They ALL are. But that is it. I pace because I know her struggles, and I know even beginning this test will be hard for her. She is our last hope, for humanity, for them getting into the good place, for me not being retired this moment. But I know she'll beat it, beat me, she always does."
"That seems fair, but I just need to know you understand," she proclaimed, turning on the sofa to face him properly. "Especially before you begin this journey. If she wins, you'll be working closely with her, every day, for a year."
"I'm not sure why you're so worried. You know demons aren't capable of that emotion. Not in the romantic sense anyway. It's why the good place argued and that rule was ingrained into the universe at the birth of our existence; to prevent bad place employees tampering with good place constituents through heartbreak."
He stopped pacing and sat down next to her, allowing his hands to fall in his lap. "No demon is allowed to feel, or has ever done that, felt that."
"Nor judge," she offered sympathetically. Choosing a lover on one side or the other, would destroy her ability to have no bias. And was therefore, also forbidden.
Michael's head tilted back as he looked up towards the ceiling. He knew better than to wish for such impossibilities. Loving a good place employee or personnel was forbidden, a demon being able to fall in love, was forbidden. That was reserved for those deemed worthy of such an emotion. And it surely wasn't some half reformed middle management six thousand tall fire squid.
It was than the portal clicked, showing Eleanor had begun her test. He sighed, not opening his eyes.
"I don't agree with it you know," Gen offered poking his leg with her foot. "But I'd rather you not be responsible for annihilating two essences, two souls, and single handedly destroying the universes cosmic balance," He opened his eyes to look at her, offering her a sad smile and looked back up to the ceiling.
"At least we're allowed friendship" he said, sighing as he closed his eyes.
"At least we're allowed that," Gen agreed.
When Eleanor walked through her room, and a classroom, identical to Tahani and Jason's, appeared before her. The old chalk board and dust erasers creating a scent eliciting nostalgia from middle school days. She walked along the rows, allowing her fingers to fall across each wooden chair; to drag upon each matching desk. What if she couldn't do this? It was easier to support and believe in others. Or at least, easier than it was to believe in herself.
Did she even want to win? What if she actually passed whatever forking test Michael created? The 'prize' would be the pressure to save all of humanity. She doubted Jason had a shot, but Tahani would do fine. Especially because she'd have Michael, by her side.
What was it that she had seen in Michael's eyes right before she stepped through the portal? It was only compassion, right? No. Shirt. Why was her mind even thinking of such trivial matters? She was stalling and she knew it. A dirt bag from Arizona competing for a chance to save humanity? There had to be some philosophical answer for this. Some theory Plato or Kant explored to make sense of it all.
God, she wished Chidi was here. Even though they weren't able to reconnect romantically, he was still tied to her heart. And she had a feeling he always would be. He knew her inside and out; could talk her off any ledge; bring her back from any brink. He had no doubt that she could make this new neighborhood work. What would he tell her now? Whatever it was she knows it would get her butt moving so they could all know what happens next.
But no, he had to go and be all Chidi-like and sacrifice himself for mankind. God, he could be such a buzzkill. What about her? What was she supposed to do without him now?
Why did she want to see something when she looked at Michael? I mean sure, they were the closest out of the group; but only because Chidi was gone, and she was the only one with all of her memories back. Maybe that was it? She just wanted to know that their friendship actually meant something to him.
Sure, she had seen proof of it in the reboots, but there were three hundred years of scars left behind. Scars engraved by his hands, his voice, his actions, onto her soul. And maybe she wasn't as healed as she thought she was. Maybe she just needed to see the redemption in his eyes, breathe in the new restitution he expressed in every situation they faced together.
The chalk board appeared presenting the same set of instructions. Who is ever 'ready'? This entire afterlife was just a set of bull shirt tests she kept having to take, over and over and over again. She wanted to give up, to rest, to have a forking moment to think. But there was no time, she'd already been in here too long. Taking a deep breathe, she squared off against the chalk board, and spoke
"Begin,"
The room was gone, and in its place was a confusing scene. In room made entirely white, comparable only to Janet's void, she was stood at a large white circular table. In the middle of it was a black tank surrounded on all sides with glass. There was a shallow circular dish in the far corner with a thin lining of water. A stick that reached from the bottom of the tank to the top, appearing to be some sort of ladder. And on the bottom of the cage was a beautiful caterpillar, minding its own business, chomping on a leaf.
"Weird," she said to herself, studying it through the glass. It looked completely harmless, cute even. She decided to pick it up to inspect it further. Obviously, this little thing was a part of the test. Seeing as if it was the only thing in the room, it had to be related. But as soon as she reached inside the glass, multiple things transformed at once.
The Stick that once led from the top to the bottom of the tank, now had slow moving molten lava cascading down it. The dish that had a small lining of water in the far-right corner, now housed fifty ladybugs, itching to get out and feed. The leaf once green with life and nutrients, was now covered in lemon juice.
"What the fork!" she shrieked, pulling her hand back as if the lava had actually burned her. Her heart began beating like a bass drum in her ears. Glancing again at the lava she whipped around in a circle until she found the three things she was promised. 9:50
Behind her laying on a log: A bottle of water, presumably to put out the lava, second, tongs perhaps to remove the caterpillar before it could taste the toxic juice? And last, a glass cover to stop the ladybugs from escaping to feed. Which was the first threat? Which was the worst threat? Which one was the right one to choose?
Evidently it was her job to save it. But no tool would solve everything. Why give her Michael's powers if they're useless….. or are they? She went to snap her figured to levitate the caterpillar, but thought of Michael snapping his at her and stopped.
Glancing at the clock hovering in the sky, it read 9:39. 'hovering, levitating, hm,] she realized what she needed to do.
"HA! Shellstrop out!" she shouted to no one, as she waved her hand gently, transforming her caterpillar. She saw it escape the tank, freeing itself, just as the classroom came back into view.
"Darling, the test was to reveal our instincts," Tahani explained a short time later. Although they all knew there was no way Jason would've won.
"Yeah Dawg!" he exclaimed, obviously still confused as to why he lost. "Mine should've been able to save Bortles!?"
Michael shook his head realizing that Jason actually performed far better than he expected. Not only did he realize he could USE Michael's powers and not have to choose one of the items, he also had an oddly accurate argument. Thank God he didn't win- that neighborhood would've been a disaster.
"Throwing fire should count as a loss, it's simply dangerous! But I don't understand what I did wrong Michael," Tahani complained almost mimicking Jason's tone. "The banana tree would've fed the elephants! They would've stopped plummeting to their untimely demise!"
While she had a point, she clearly missed the point of the exercise.
"Yes, but it was a temporary solution. Eventually they would run out of banana's and have to begin crossing the bridge again. Also, the seed would've taken too long. It was the wood that you needed. Not to repair as you thought, but to build a newer and safer bridge using my powers."
Tahani slummed down next to Gen on the sofa, reaching for a handful of kettle corn.
"Well, I concecde your point. Though I felt I deserved something for stopping those elephants from falling to their death. Much like how Beyonce should've been given a runner up trophy that year my best friend Taylor won her award. Watching all those baby elephants falling to their death though, really Michael it was horrifying."
"Ha, you only temporarily stopped them," Gen mumbled between bites, earning a sneer from Tahani.
"And Jason, had you of blown the whistle and signaled a time out, you could've had the entire team seen too. They could've had medical attention, water, and had the backups put in. However, your real answer was to create a time out signal, stopping the game."
"You're a genius Michael!" Jason exclaimed charging back towards the portal he was just in. Anything to save his beloved Bortles. However, the portal door no longer existed so Janet conjured a ball pit, toppling him just before he slammed into the wall. "A ball pit! And there's not even any garbage in it!"
With Jason distracted they all turned back towards Eleanor. She hadn't said much since she came back. Coming to terms with the idea she would now have magical powers, and be responsible for the fate of humanity was a lot to process.
"How'd you know chum?" Tahani asked. The whining tone her voice held previously was gone, leaving behind only curiosity. "And you figured it out so quickly," she added.
"Yeah, she has an annoying habit of doing that," Michael chimed, a knowing smile on his face.
She immediately returned the smile. "You'll never learn Mikey my boy, will you?" she jested, poking at his chest, causing a low rumble to erupt.
Then turning to Tahani she answered seriously,
"Well, I knew the experiment would have something to do with whether or not a human could cast Michael's powers without blowing up humanity blah blah blah blah. Then, I figured there'd be some Kantian metaphor shirt somewhere."
She shrugged, sitting down between Tahani and Gen to prop her feet.
"Then when I realized none of the junk could save it from everything, thanks for that mind fork by the way," she said, sneering at Michael before turning back to Tahani. "I realized I could use my power. I just couldn't remove the caterpillar with it."
Tahani stood walking around taking in everything she said. It made sense the more she thought about it. She simply wanted to fix the problem in her simulation. Without giving the elephants the chance to save themselves. As Michael said, she could've used her powers to build the bridge, and hope they'd learned enough to choose the new one.
Allowing her power to influence not solve.
"That's brilliant," Tahani chimed, turning to smile at her friend. "I supposed it should be you after all" she digressed. "You knew you'll have to guide the humans, but it is up to them, to save themselves."
"And that conclusion, my sexy caramel giraffe, is why I wouldn't do this without you by my side."
Standing at yet another newly created portal, the five people responsible for the fate of the universe, hovered. Taking their time inhaling breath's, they no longer needed, they linked hands. There was one thing for sure though, no matter what happened, they had each other. They even had Chidi even though he'd have no idea who they were. Eleanor took the first step forward breaking their link and turned to face the group. She was already slipping into her role as leader.
Eleanor looked from cockroach to cockroach until she landed on Michael. Wondering what it was he was thinking in that very moment. Would he mind sharing the role of architect with her, a mere cockroach human? Would they agree on how to handle things or if they didn't, then what? There were so many unanswered questioned, but no time to ask them. She simply nodded to him hoping it displayed all the admiration she had for him, despite their past., He nodded softly back.
Taking another unnecessary deep breath, she clapped her hands together and spoke,
"So, the neighborhood is identical to the one we were in, right?" she checked with Janet.
"Correct."
"And I'll have powers as soon as I appear there?"
"Also correct."
"Fewf. Hot diggity dog, all right team cockroach, are we ready?" Eleanor asked, turning to see Jason jump through the portal before anyone answered.
Laughing she turned, shrugged her shoulders, and jumped after him. Janet continued, and then Tahani until the only one left was Michael. Gen snapped away her sofa, and ottoman walking towards her desk. She knew he was hovering and moreover, she knew why.
"For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you guys," she said, grabbing and turning her chair.
"WHAT?" he shouted, wondering if somehow, she had learned to read his mind.
"To win the experiment... of course," Gen offered, looking at him curiously.
But there was much to do, so now was not the time to press. Relaxing immediately Michael said,
"Of Course," breathily, as he took a step closer to the portal. But then turned back and asked, "Wait, I thought you couldn't be biased?" he smirked at her as she smirked back, before turning and stepping through.
She simply smiled and looked down shuffling her papers and said,
"And I thought no demon had ever fallen in love?"