Eijun loved two things: Baseball and Miyuki Kazuya.
Baseball was his first love. He grew up playing the sport. He begged his friends to form a team with him just so they could compete. He lived and breathed it.
In Seido, Sawamura Eijun had a schedule, one he didn't normally deviate from. Every day, he'd wake up before everyone else and run alone with his tire then he'd eat breakfast and train with his team. After school, he'd change and practice until he couldn't anymore. Then, he'd go to bed.
Living in the dorm meant that he didn't have to go home so he'd repeat this every day for the next few months. Just the way he liked it.
Through baseball, he found Miyuki Kazuya. Kazuya was his star. The one thing he strove to reach. He inspired Eijun to keep pushing; keep furthering his limits. Pitching to him made Eijun's spirit soar. It had a distinct sound, a distinct feeling.
Baseball and Miyuki Kazuya were, to Eijun, nearly one and the same.
Needless to say, he loved his boyfriend very much.
That was why, when he saw Miyuki Kazuya kissing one Furuya Satoru by the wooden shed behind the buildings one evening as he was storing his tire, he felt like his whole world fell apart.
At first, Eijun just watched, not comprehending what he was seeing. Then, it clicked. Miyuki Kazuya, his boyfriend, was kissing Furuya Satoru, one of his best friends, looking as content and carefree as one can be.
Blinking away tears, Eijun feels the ground become unsteady. He should have known.
Sawamura Eijun was a dumbass. Everyone on the team made sure to remind him of this fact every day. As if it didn't hurt. As if it wouldn't affect him.
(It doesn't. He swears it doesn't.
Sometimes, it's just hard to get up from his bed, ok? It's not depression.)
Being a dumbass, Eijun didn't see the signs. How Kazuya would always hesitate before sitting with him; how he would always prioritize the "ace". He should have known. He should have always known.
"Miyuki-senpai, can you catch for me?"
Those words were the nails that hammered the coffin. Right then and there, Eijun heard his heart start to break.
"Wait a second! What about your promise to me, Miyuki Kazuya?! And what are you doing butting in, Furuya?!"
"Sorry, Eijun. It's a request from Ace-sama. I'll catch for you later… Promise!"
Oh.
And as he watched their backs walking away from him, Eijun felt detachment and… acceptance. Despite his desperation for the ace number, Eijun isn't so desperate as to beg for Miyuki Kazuya's attention. Something he made sure to understand after the whole yips thing was that sometimes he needed to focus on himself, after all.
Eijun saw his own worth.
(That didn't mean that staying rooted to the spot wasn't a hard decision.
It was.
It was the hardest decision Eijun had ever had to make.
But, he had no choice. He had to keep moving forward. He had no time for chasing things that he was never going to get. Miyuki Kazuya's attention was just... not worth it anymore.)
Taking a deep breath, Eijun calms himself down and slowly walks away.
(Walking away, Eijun knew this was it.
He was letting go of Miyuki Kazuya.
But, baseball and Miyuki Kazuya were one and the same to him.
So, what now?)
A week later, Eijun found the courage to knock on Kazuya's door. Seeing his boyfriend, messy and hot like always, he could feel his heart break all over again. Though it has been a week since he'd seriously seen him, Eijun still feels the pain, pricking and pricking and pricking. Trying to hide his emotions, Eijun waves a hello.
Though he probably didn't do it well enough. Seeing something in his expression, Kazuya asked, "Eijun, are you okay?"
Figures. He never really knew how to hide from Kazuya. Maybe, that was why he was so easily fooled. He hadn't even spent time with him at all this week. Kazuya didn't even notice. At this moment, Eijun realizes that Kazuya probably never cared for him. If he did, how could he have done this to him. How could he look Eijun in the eyes and act as if he didn't cheat on him? As if he doesn't still cheat on him? Was everything else a lie too?
How could he be okay? Wasn't he enough for Kazuya? Did he do something wrong? Was there something he didn't do?
Questions filled his head but, nevertheless, he knew he had to steel his heart.
"Miyuki-senpai,"
Kazuya's eyes widened at the honorific. Eijun never really did call him his senpai in the time that they've known each other.
"Let's break up."
Astonished, Kazuya reaches for Eijun but he takes a step back. "Why?! Eijun, I-I thought we were ok? We could fix this!"
Eijun turned his back to Kazuya, knowing that he'd fall apart if he didn't.
"You know, you could have just said you have fallen in love with someone else and I would have let you go."
Finally saying the words he's been trying to keep in, Eijun felt free. Like a weight suddenly lifted from his shoulders.
"But, really? Did it have to be Satoru of all people?"
Exhaling, Eijun knew he'd fall asleep soundly for the first time since he saw them kissing. He was finally letting go.
Eijun walks away.
(Never turning back, he doesn't see Miyuki Kazuya break behind him. He doesn't hear Kazuya's apologies. He doesn't hear Miyuki Kazuya begging for him to come back.
He walks away.)
The next morning, Youichi found Miyuki looking distraught the whole day. This was relatively normal. He was, after all, the captain, clean-up and catcher of the team. He just had those days, sometimes. However, what was weird was that Sawamura, the lovesick bastard and his roommate, did nothing to change that.
Now, Youichi loved Sawamura, he really did. He was practically his baby brother at this point. But Miyuki was his best friend and Sawamura's boyfriend, too. He felt an obligation to confront him. If at least for his peace of mind and conscience.
"Oi! Sawamura! Why the hell aren't you asking Miyuki what's wrong with him?! You're his boyfriend, you know!?"
At this, Sawamura looked away. Why doesn't he care? Youichi could feel the rage building up inside him. One second longer and he'd-
"I broke up with him last night."
Taking a step back from the surprise, Youichi looked at Sawamura. Really looked at him. For someone who just let go of their boyfriend, he looked... lighter? Why? He never thought that something was wrong in their relationship. After all, Sawamura always looked at Miyuki like he was the world. What happened that was so serious that Sawamura lost that look in his eyes? Sawamura who followed Miyuki around like a duckling would its mom? The Sawamura that looks at Miyuki like the sun shines out his ass? How the fuc-
"I caught him cheating on me last week."
Kuramochi was going to kill that son of a bitch Miyuki Kazuya.
"Sawamura Eijun, come to the coach's office."
Looking at the papers in his hands, Eijun's brain couldn't quite connect the dots. This can't be real. No way. He isn't even the ace? How?
Turning to the coach, he asks. "Boss, what is this?"
"An offer. You're quickly becoming one of the most sought after pitchers in Japan. A lot of scouts have been asking about you, believe it or not."
"This is an offer for a spot on the U-18 team. You and Miyuki-kun were the only ones on our team to be offered a position. You should be very proud of yourself, Sawamura-kun." Rei added, looking like a proud mother.
Eijun, however, was skeptical. Why him? Even Furuya, the ace, wasn't given this offer. Why would they give it to him?
As if sensing his skepticism, Boss said. "Sawamura, you've grown immensely as a player. I know you didn't do as well as you wanted when we went to Koshien but, nevertheless, you deserve this. The people in the Baseball Association agree, too. Especially after your performance against Sankou during our last game. They've actually been discretely observing you in the bullpen for the past few weeks and I sent them a few practice videos, too. Nothing too revealing but enough to show your talent."
"Will you accept it, Sawamura-kun?"
Thinking about it, Eijun remembers that Miyuki Kazuya was also offered a spot. "Boss, can I ask a question before answering? Will Miyuki-senpai join this team as well?"
Looking at each other, Rei hesitantly started. "I-I know you like Miyuki-kun, Sawamura, but he turned the offer down on the spot. He said that he'd like to focus on the team and getting our ace up to par. Now, I know you're most comfortable with Miyuki as your catcher but you should really consid-"
"I'll take it."
"Pardon?"
"I want to join the junior national team."
Sawamura Eijun loved two things: baseball and Miyuki Kazuya. For the past 2 years, he linked them together, entwined them together so thoroughly that he couldn't tell the difference. After losing Kazuya, Eijun knows that he needed to do something. Otherwise, he would lose baseball too.
Maybe, joining the junior national team would allow him to love baseball without Kazuya. Just like he used to when he was younger. No expectations, just a love for the sport.
Pausing for a moment, Rei hurriedly says "Alright, Sawamura-kun. If you're sure, you should probably pack your things now. We'll give you the practice off to finish packing and turning in your assignments. Since, we lost our game to Sankou, you won't be missing too many things aside from individual practice. Of course, we'd have to tell the te-"
Interrupting her quickly, Eijun hurries to ask, "Rei-san, I'd like to ask for a favor if that's okay. Please tell the team only after I have left."
Adjusting her glasses skeptically, Rei replies thoughtfully. She probably had a suspicion on what happened between Kazuya and him. She was too smart. "I suppose that can be arranged, Sawamura-kun."
Smirking, the coach added. "You'll be training with only the best of the best for a whole week. Soak every bit of knowledge there and get better. I'm sure you'll benefit greatly from training with other players with the same drive and talent as you."
At this, Eijun only gives a matching smirk of his own as a response.
He did like competition, after all.
Returning to his room, Eijun sees Kuramochi-senpai getting ready for individual practice.
"Oi, Bakamura! We're heading out to do batting practice. Do you wann-"
"Senpai, I'll be leaving for the week."
Pausing, Youichi turns to his roommate. He knew whatever Kazuya did hurt Eijun badly but he didn't think that Eijun would let that interfere with baseball. "I know Kazuya really hurt you, Ei, but isn't this too dra-"
"I've been invited to train with the national U-18 team. It has nothing to do with Kazuya."
Staring at Eijun with a piercing gaze, Youichi waited for 1… 2… 3…. And….
"Ok, maybe it had a little to do with him. I just- I need to associate baseball with something other than Kazuya. I want to play somewhere without him for a while. That's all."
Bingo.
Youichi supposes that that made sense. Eijun has always chased after Miyuki Kazuya, on and off the field. Of course, he'd associate baseball with him.
Anyways, it would do his kouhai some good to be away from Miyuki for a while. This could be good for Eijun. He didn't want him to go through another yips phase.
"Alright. Call me after every practice and if someone messes with you, you better call me. I'll beat their asses, you hear me? You gonna pack? You need help? Remember to bring extra shirts. You sweat like a pig and you gotta bring an extra shampoo because you finished yours last week, remember? You know what? Bring mine. I have a new one somewhere."
"Mochi-senpai, I'll make sure to pack everything. You can even check them over later, ok? Go do your swings or something. You're acting like a mama bear."
"Fuck off, asshole."
"Love you too, senpai."
Flashing him the middle finger, Youichi turns to leave but catches a soft "Thanks for caring, senpai."
Youichi smiles. Eijun will be okay.
Since childhood, Eijun has always loved, loved, loved. He remembers his mother stroking his hair, whispering ' Loving is not weakness, Eijun. It is strength. When someone loves something enough, they allow themselves to be vulnerable to pain and that makes them strong. Never regret loving, even if you get hurt in the process. It will always be their loss if they do not reciprocate.'
Sawamura Eijun loved two things: baseball and Miyuki Kazuya and he's okay with that. Right now, he hurts at the sight of the too big shirts lying around his dorm and the spare pair of glasses by the windowsill. That's okay. He'll move on, sooner or later, and the pain will fade.
Later, he'll place all of his ex's belongings by the door of their dorm but for now, he allows himself to cry as he packs the last of the manga he wanted to bring to the training camp. Damn, letting go fucking sucks
Bam.
"Nice ball, Sawamura! A bit higher and you'll be good."
Pitching to his new catcher was different. Fujimoto-san wasn't as stingy as Miyuki-senpai with his advice but was just as aggressive, maybe even more.
Having been training with the U-18 team for a few days, Eijun could say with certainty that all his teammates were good. They trained with an intensity Eijun rarely got to see. It felt good to be surrounded with people like these.
Yeah, Eijun thinks. He really loves baseball. He won't waste a second of his life regretting it.
Author's Note: this is a two-shot that i posted on AO3 a few months ago and i've recently decided to try and branch out to other platforms so i'll be cross-posting my work here. if you wanna see my other fics, i have a master list on my profile