Apologies in advance for whatever inaccuracies or inconsistencies appear. My knowledge base comes solely from the two seasons on Netflix that I binged in the past week.
I try to keep to myself. I try to stay out of everyone else's way. I know that my place in this world is to live away from those that would fear me. Carnivores like me are always going to scare herbivores, no matter how well we keep our primitive instincts in check or how friendly we make our faces.
These thoughts, while not exactly mandated at Cherryton, or in the greater world, weigh heavily on my mind. Sure, the rules of society state practically the same thing, but saying it to myself just feels… different. They keep me from endangering those around me.
Jack always liked to joke with me that the reason I hunched over was from the weight of my thoughts. He has always been a good friend to me, despite how often I push him away.
Our first year in high school together, after growing up inseparable, showed me how much we had changed from our time as kids. He continued to make friends and expand his social circle. I chose to keep a distance, despite being around all of those that I now lived with in our dorms.
The Drama Club was a good thing for me, Jack had mentioned when I was suggested to join. He said I'd make new friends and see the world differently. It wasn't as black and white as some might say. I knew what he meant. It was a place for me to be around other people who could watch me, so that he could take a break from worrying about me. He was too good to me.
Others would never take his place. My one true friend. The one who could see me for what I could not.
I wish he could do more.
It was a selfish thought, and one that brought nothing but increased feelings of shame. But it was true. He was so… happy. He could always make the best of any situation, even if he was sometimes a bit too emotional. He always had a joke, or a smile, or even a little dance that he could do that would make everything better.
One time, on a night not too dissimilar to tonight, he and I were part of a group of students sneaking into the cafeteria. It wasn't unknown for carnivores to attempt to sneak extra meals, despite our predetermined meal structure and healthcare. Bill had been told by a friend of a friend that there had been an extra shipment of sweet breads delivered. And if he wanted a piece of the bread, as it were, he'd need to get in that night. It was apparently something that he, Tao, and Kai had done before.
Suffice to say, we were not the only students trying to break in, and the school officials seemed to be aware of what might happen. A few teachers and staff were posted in the hallways and we happened to run right into them. I thought we were going to be suspended or even worse for attempting to steal, but Jack saved the day by asking the teachers to dance with him.
I still have no idea how he convinced them, and even less understanding of why they agreed. Somehow, we were able to get back to our room with a couple of loaves in each hand.
I sighed and shut my eyes. It was a good memory. One of those that I didn't have mixed feelings or guilt or concern for what I could do to someone else. They were few and far in-between.
A gentle breeze blew off the ocean. I could smell the salt that it brought and I could taste it on my lips. It was a pleasant sensation in my nostrils. It reminded me of simplicity and clarity.
I often come to sit on this bench on nights when I struggle to sleep. I want to sleep, and of course Jack nags me if I wake him up while leaving or returning. But, most nights it's difficult for me to unwind my mind. I just can't help myself. I try to work through my breathing exercises, but the more time I spend inhaling and exhaling, the more I am convinced that Jack didn't get that advice from anywhere other than a magazine.
Tonight is not any different. But it is somehow darker than normal. Only when I look up the pathway do I realize that the light is out on one of the street lamps. The nearby fountain still is illuminated, but the nighttime threatens to swallow it up.
Is that a sign of something?
I turn back to look at the window of my room. The light is still off, which means I probably made it outside without disturbing Jack, Collot, or any of the others. That feels good. I don't wish to bother them and Jack needs his rest.
I can see the signs. He has darker fur under his eyes. He hesitates when getting out of bed in the morning. He watches me when he thinks my attention is elsewhere.
He's tired. Tired of having to worry about me. Tired of having to make sure that when he wakes up in the morning, I'm in the bunk bed underneath. Tired of making sure that I come back to our room each night. Tired of it all.
Beyond our roommates and the Drama Club, there are very few individuals that Jack can turn to that know me. And even fewer that know to watch me.
I shouldn't do this to him.
I think these thoughts, here on this bench, in the middle of the night, and I feel guilty. Not for my thoughts. No, those are my own. My own burden. But my burden to Jack is a different story. I can't keep treating him like this. Torturing him with my indecision over myself. He doesn't deserve me.
Jack… I want you to be happy again.
I turn to lie down on the bench with my legs hanging off the side. I can more easily look up at the stars this way and imagine myself far away from everything. Especially from my nature. It's always just beneath the surface. I try and try to keep it down, but the more I attempt to quash it, the more I circle around myself and seem to push it to the surface.
I hear a door open and lift my head up, wondering if I did indeed disturb Jack. But it's not the door to our building that's opened up. I lie back down with my arm behind my head.
Some nights Jack joins me out here. He's either awake when I decide to get up, or he hears me and decides to join me. Most of the time we don't talk, unless I decide to start. He's learned to just wait for me. He doesn't push me, or decide for me what I should talk about. He just listens and offers occasional support.
I make him tired.
I close my eyes, but I'm still wide awake. Tired doesn't even begin to explain what I'm feeling. I struggle to explain it. Perhaps it is my nature to live so tormented. Is that selfish of me? Is that too egotistical? I'm not the only one, of that I'm sure. I just can't fathom experiencing it any other way. I just want to get away.
Another of Jack's suggestions for me is to replay the events of the day until I tire myself. But today was… too much.
Drama Club is one of a number of clubs on campus that accept both carnivores and herbivores. We are allowed to equally partake in the love of the stage, or something like that. I work in the lighting, far away from the stage and from the temptations. I like to keep my distance. No, that's not true. I need to keep my distance. I need to protect myself from them. I need to keep them safe from me.
Especially after the news we received this morning. Tem, an alpaca in the Club, was devoured some time last night. He and I were close, more so than most herbivores and carnivores were for an extended period of time. He wasn't all that afraid of us. And it resulted in his death.
I partially contributed to his death. If he was more afraid of carnivores like me, then maybe he would still be alive.
I have been struggling to process it all day. And then we had a meeting at the start of Drama Club, led by none other than Louis. He was the idol of not only the Club, but the entire school. A red deer with the potential to change the world. And when he announced that he was going to speak to each and every one of us individually after Club over the course of the next week, I had to admit to myself that I was more than a bit excited about that. Not… not for that reason. At least, I don't think it's for that reason… maybe.
I hated myself for it, but his scent is one that I have locked into my memory. It's one that I frequently call upon. It's… intoxicating. And shameful, because his smell ignites my… more primal urges.
My eyes shoot open and my nose kicks into overdrive. Something is wafting through the air. It's new. It's… strong.
I run it through my database of scents. It's like nothing I've smelled before. I immediately gather the similarities of the smell to that of smaller mammals. I sniff further and note that saliva is beginning to form in the corners of my mouth. It's definitely a member of the leporidae family. That matched up with other smells in my bank.
More saliva formed. I was struggling to think about anything else. In the back of my mind, I knew I was spiralling, but I couldn't move that thought to the forefront. I was succumbing to something I knew was possible for every carnivore.
It smells so… vibrant.
I couldn't pinpoint the scent any further down, other than smelling that it came from a female. It was like nothing I had encountered before. I had to find it.
I shot up from the bench, fur bristled and eyes narrowed. I was completely committed now. I had to find the owner of the scent. I had to know where this smell came from. And as I tried to wipe the drool from my mouth, I knew I had one other desire. My body was warm and I headed north to find the source.
It didn't take long. In fact, it was rather easy to find the owner. A small, white rabbit was sitting on the concrete barrier around the fountain. I was easily able to sneak up on her. I took a moment to observe her as she splashed her hands in the water and then on her face. Her scent danced around my nose. I was panting at this point, the scent was so overpowering.
Stop!
I paused. Where did that voice come from? Some part of me was able to call out and break through the haze.
What am I about to do? I can't do that.
No, I needed to leave immediately. I needed to get as far away from this as possible. As far away from her as possible.
My feet wouldn't budge. I couldn't tear myself away from her. Alone, in the soft light from the moon and the street lamp, she was so… small. So… absolutely tiny. I couldn't describe this feeling that I was having.
Stop yourself! Get it under control!
I could just watch her for hours as she continued to splash in the fountain. She looked upset.
I wiped my mouth again, but it was no use. My body screamed at me and my instincts were taking over. My eyes were beginning to gloss over and my arm muscles were constricting.
Leave!
It was no use. I was stuck here and completely out of control.
What would Jack think?
Jack? Who was Jack? All that I knew was what was right in front of me. Just me and this rabbit. Getting to her was the only thing that mattered.
She stood up and dusted herself off. It was time. As she stepped into the darkness, out of the light, I made my move. Being able to see in the dark had its advantages. I followed her, step for step. She had no idea. I could smell her. There was no hint of fear at all.
Was that how Tem was before he was devoured?
I stopped. What was I about to do? Was I really about to devour a helpless rabbit?
The scent hit my nose again. Bright, floral patterns danced in my brain. She smelled like crisp, summertime dances and winter strawberries, with a hint of earthy mulch sprinkled in. She was… intoxicating.
There was no going back. My brain went black as I lunged forward.
And that's the end of this first chapter. Hope that it has come across well enough and I would love to hear feedback. I'm imagining this fic as relatively short, maybe 4-6 chapters by the end. Tags may change or new ones added. Hopefully, I'll be able to make this come out the way I want it to and it will be enjoyable for you all. Until next time!