Metroid : Life of Samus Aran
Mission One : Start.
It is totally dark, the only sound heard is the hum of the plasma generator inside of the apartment container.
The owner of this run-down, decrepit apartment container is none other than the renowned bounty hunter Samus Aran!
"Morning mum how are you feeling today?"
"...uuuuugggggghghghhhggh..."
Samus rolls about on her bunk bed.
"Mum what will we be eating today?"
"...uuuuughgghhgggghghhh..."
Samus puts her pillow over her head.
"Mum when will you feed me?"
"...uuuuuugggggghghhghh..."
Samus closes her ears with her folded cushion.
"MUM WAKE UP AND FEED ME!"
The spherical gelatinous beast with with three eyes and four teeth and/or appendages dangling on the bottom of it's sphere, screams at the bounty hunter Samus Aran as she lays defeated and in disarray on her bunk.
"...uuuuuugghhhh..."
SWING
The room's curtains are flung open by the metroid beast in rage.
"MY EYES!"
The green sun's rays shines on Samus's face.
She squints her eyes trying to escape this painful event.
Her vision is blurry.
"...uuuuugggghhhh..."
Slowly she moves to stand up.
She pushes herself up.
RATTLE
CLANG
The many empty beer cans and the empty beer keg she was hugging while sleeping, rolls off of the bunk where Samus was laying and lands on the floor.
She puts on her slippers.
"HURRY UP MUM! MY HUNGER NEEDS TO BE..."
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I KNOW I'M COMING!"
The metroid wearing it's velvet, top hat, mind reading, electo-science, voice modulator lets out a sad whimper...
"Mum I'm sorry...it was just...I was so hungry."
"I'M SO SORRY METRO! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I WAS ONLY FEELING A BIT..."
Samus tries to apologize to her beloved pet the alien being called a Metroid.
Metro feels the apology has gone on for one moment too long.
"SHUT UP WOMAN! WHERE IS MY FOOD?"
Samus grabs her gun, the paralyzer.
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
She pulls the trigger but nothing happens!
She looks to her gun.
The top is missing and it's melted in half?!
"Mum you should not leave things laying around. Bad things might happen to them while I'm busy cleaning the house."
Samus feels immense pressure on her forehead and can feel her head throbbing with rage.
Samus remembers the lessons she had learned from her (forced and legally stipulated) anger management classes.
She calms herself.
Stumbling slowly into the kitchen part of her 25 m² container apartment.
She is fumbling about looking for the correct kibble dispenser's nozzle and Metro's favourite bowl.
BONK
She presses the dispense button.
The pellets fall painfully slowly into the golden bowl the Metroid, Metro, forced her to buy.
The dispenser's cheerful tune plays.
"WOOF WOOF! I ONLY LOVE YOU! WOOF WOOF! BECAUSE YOU FEED ME! WOOF WOOF! DON'T STOP BUYING GALACTIC CORPORATIONS ANIMAL FEED AND OTHER PRODUCTS! WOOF WOOF! Terms and conditions apply please look at the..."
Samus's mind automatically blocks out the rest of the jingle to protect her own sanity.
She has long since stopped trying to punch, the unbreakable dispenser, to make the annoying melody stop.
"Here you are Metro I hope you have a nice meal."
Samus look's with love filled eyes at her little beast.
The little beast with its velvet top hat voice modulator hurriedly drifts towards the bowl.
"Thank you kindly mum."
PLONK
It drops onto the bowl.
CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
The teeth and/or appendages start processing and/or eating the kibble.
Opening her kitchen's cupboard.
Samus grabs three cans of "bachelorette chow" cans.
Hurriedly eating the two strawberry cheese cake flavoured meat chunks cans.
The last can.
"WHAT COULD IT BE?"
She is excited
She opens the mystery can of bachelorette chow.
"THIS SMELL!"
She holds the can upside down.
Slowly the gelatinous mass falls onto her metal serving tray.
PLOP
She quickly eats the spearmint and banana-grapefruit jelly surprise.
Cough
Cough
"...bleeeeehhhh..."
Samus coughs up the prize ticket that was hidden inside of the mystery can.
"WHAT DID I WIN THIS TIME?!"
She scratches the metal paste off from the prize ticket.
"YES, $100,000 I WIN AGAIN!"
Quickly she phones the 15 digit phone number on the back of the can.
Typing in the code.
"Congratulations on winning the grand prize! Please hold for the first available operator to help you. Please note that all calls are recorded for quality purposes. We also charge a fee for our network usage. The fee is $20,000 per minute. Your call is number 500 out of 1000 please be patient..."
Samus listens to the calming tune as her money slowly disappears.
"Thank you for holding my name is ... can we please have your banking details?"
"I prefer to have my prize in cash if it is possible?"
"No, the details are for your payments to bachelorette chow holdings."
"WHAT?! But I won the prize?"
"We charge a network fee for every minute spent on the call."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, you were using our network for 6 minutes."
"But I was waiting for you to get my prize?"
"I'm sorry I don't make the rules you now owe us $20,000. Our banking..."
SNAP
Samus breaks her phone effortlessly in her closing hand.
She feels immense pressure on her forehead and can feel her head throbbing with rage again.
"Mum it is as Mistress Bayonette told you, gambling is a sin. These foolish competitions you enter always end up costing you money. You should stop this please. How will you buy my food if all your money is spent or lost through your carelessness?" asks Metro.
BAM
BAM
BAM
BAM
Samus started punching the indestructible kibble dispenser.
She feels like she might rupture a vein!
Thinking back to her legally required anger management classes.
She is calm again.
"I wonder what is on the tube?"
Taking the remote she falls onto her comfy, favourite and only couch.
THUD
"OW!"
Samus had forgotten that Metro recently ate all of the coach's cushions and now only the exposed metal base was left.
She had only brief moments ago thought of her anger management training.
It does not anger her enough yet, that she must remember again.
She puts on the television.
Going through the television's channels.
"...here today we can see our heroine Samus Aran return from another successful mission. Miss Aran do you have any comments you can give us on recent pirate activity in the FS-176 sector?"
"This is from way back?" Samus remembers from her past adventures.
"...I'm sorry I cannot share any information. It is still classified. Miss Aran what are you wearing? This is my combat..."
The television programs camera zooms out.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Samus screams out of embarrassment.
"NOT THAT SUIT!"
"...the scene changes to a flamboyantly dressed man and a blue skinned woman sitting on two coaches. (The man starts speaking) Today on fashion foolish! We have a look at renowned bounty hunter Samus Aran's purple body suit and her many, many, many other fashion follies..."
"FASHION FOOLISH?!"
Samus presses the information button on the television's remote.
Looking for the programs description.
"Fashion Foolish (Lifestyle) a modern take on fashions from the past and present. With modern critiques from our experts Dan Manlington and Tauthe featuring a mysterious guest in every episode. Come laugh together with us at foolish fashions of the past, present and more!"
"NO! STOP! DON'T!" grabbing the television by its sides, she begs for mercy.
"...look at this bodysuit if you can call it that! More like all body and no suit! (audience laughs) At least she's got some colour sense Dan. Yes, Tauthe purple hair and a green one piece. Dan you have it wrong it's green hair and a purple one piece. Oops! Thaute I made a mistake but with those two colours it can never be a right! (audience laughs)..."
"NO! STOP PLEASE! WHEN WAS THIS SHOWN?!"
Samus presses the information button.
"Every episode broadcast live."
"EEEEEEEIIIIIIIII!" Samus shrieks out of shock.
One of Samus's many spare phones starts vibrating.
She sees the messages counter on the LCD screen on the closed top of the flip phone increase rapidly.
"80 MESSAGES?"
The number of unread messages keeps on increasing.
"120 MESSAGES?! STOP PLEASE!"
Samus grabs the phone.
The first message.
"LMFAO! DWEEB! Granny Peach love U! xD"
"GRANDMOTHER NO!"
"...darlings please she was only trying her best..."
"DARLING?!" that voice Samus knows it well.
Samus looks on in horror as the camera focuses on the mystery guest.
"...(cheering) Today's mystery guest has arrived. Always fashionably late! It is the queen of sass, the empress of style, the one and only Bayonetta. (the television show's audience stands up and claps hands some whistle) Thank you darling! (she kisses the hosts on both sides of the cheeks, they sit down.) Bayonetta you know Miss Aran personally don't you? Yes, darling she is a close friend of mine..."
Samus let's out a sigh of relief.
"Bayonetta will stand up for me."
"...I heard you said she was only trying her best. It seems she was not trying at all!(audience laughs) Darling please do not speak like that..."
"Thank you Bayonetta." says Samus.
"...this is when she is really not trying at all! (Bayonetta takes out a black swimsuit)...
"NOOOOOOOOO! BAYONETTA PLEASE NOT THAT ONE!"
"...(Dan and Tauthe take the swimsuit) Bayonetta what is this? Dan darling a black highcut monokini. Is it yours? Heavens no! I was helping her clean, her pigsty that she calls a home. When I found this monstrosity!..."
Samus starts crying out of embarrassment.
"...Bayonetta I think you might have gotten the name wrong. What do you mean darling? This is more like a OH-NO-KINI! (audience laughs) Or maybe a NO-GO-KINI? (audience laughs)..."
Samus puts her hands over her face, looking through her fingers at the horror in front of her, as her tears flow down her cheeks.
Every bodysuit she has ever worn, is being critiqued, ridiculed and laughed at.
Dan and Tauthe are crying begging for Bayonetta to stop as they can't stop laughing.
The camera zooms onto the audience of the tv show.
The tears are flowing as they are laughing.
"...darlings I saved the best for last. No, please Bayonetta stop we need to breath! Darling this one will take your breath away. (audience laughs)..."
"THIS MUST BE A DREAM!"
"Yes, Mum and quite the nightmare!"
Samus turns around looking at Metro as he is drifting about looking at the television.
"Thank goodness I almost thought this was really happ..."
Metro feels Samus's speech of relief was taking one moment too long.
"SHUT UP WOMAN! STOP TALKING! I'M BUSY WATCHING!"
Samus's is so disheartened by this "dream" that her normal rage does not return.
She looks to the television again.
"...(Bayonetta picks up an expensive branded leather taut bag) What is this Bayonetta? A present darling. (She hands Dan the bag. Dan looks inside he immediately drops the bag and stands up. The flamboyant man starts walking to exit the stage.) Dan what is wrong?(Tauthe asks, Dan turns around.) I'm sorry Bayonetta we cannot be friends ever again! (oooohhhhh the audience acts surprised) Why would you say that darling? I'd rather never get a present again than have to take this! (Dan walks back and sits down.) What would you rather never have Dan? (Dan takes out blue latex high-heeled boots with glowing yellow soles) I'd also rather never have a present ever again! Than have to be forced to wear these abominations! (audience laughs)..."
"Hahahahaha!" the Metroid Metro starts laughing as well.
"...(Dan takes the boots to his ears) Hello is someone there? (audience laughs) What are you doing darling? Trying to phone the police. (audience seems confused) Dan why would you do that? To ask the police to issue a warrant for Samus Aran's arrest. (ooohhhhhh the audience acts shocked) A warrant for what darling? Crimes against fashion! (audience starts laughing hysterically some fall out of their seats)...
CLICK
Samus turned the television off.
"Mum what seems to be the matter?"
Samus opens the fridge.
She takes the cake Bayonetta had sent her for a special occasion.
She takes a large spoon.
She opens the bathroom door.
Filling the bathtub she climbs, with her clothes still on, into it.
While crying she starts eating the cake.
She sees something drifting in the bath water.
It's a note from Bayonetta.
"Forgive me darling! Enjoy the cake! Love and kisses! ;)"
"WAAAHHH!"
Samus cries even harder than before.
Mission One : Failed.