Tsuyu stares down at the candy bar before her, trying to decipher if it's been tampered with in any sort of way. Ochako pulls the seat out beside her and plops down in the chair.

"Hi, Tsu," she says, slinging her bag off her shoulders.

"Hey."

Ochako gathers her hair up into the shortest ponytail imaginable and blows the stray strands out of her face. She tucks her bangs behind her ears and nods over at Tsu. "Where'd you get that Snickers bar? I thought they didn't sell them in the vending machines."

"They don't. You see that boy over there?" Tsu murmurs, trying not to make eye contact with him.

Ochako looks over her shoulder to where the humbly named common-sense kings of class B reside. "Kaibara?"

"No. Beside him."

Ochako looks back again and notices a boy's wide dark eyes staring back. Tsuburaba's mouth pulls into a polite smile. Tsu doesn't think he's blinked once since he gave her the chocolate bar.

"Oh." she says, deflated.

Bakugou stops by to drop off a piece of taiyaki in front of Ochako.

"This better be nutella." she tells him.

"The fuck kinda thank you is that?" he snaps. "And I don't know what the hell it is. You said you wanted taiyaki, I got you the goddamn fish. Now shut up and start thinking of some creative ways to express your gratitude. Preferably quirk-related. I'll wait."

She takes an experimental bite. Disappointment saturates her face as she chews it.

"Red bean." she frowns, setting the faceless taiyaki back down on the napkin. "Trade?"

Tsu nods and slides her candy bar over for the exchange.

"Bullshit. That fucking fish cost me a lot more than a bar of shitty chocolate."

"Whatever," Ochako says as she peels the wrapper off. "Why'd he give you this anyway?"

Tsu shrugs, genuinely clueless. "I think he wants to watch me eat it."

Bakugou leans his elbows over on their table. "What the hell?"

"Does he like…" Ochako's smile stretches as she chews. There's a fleck of chocolate on the corner of her lip that Bakugou thumbs back into her mouth. "Have a crush on you?" she asks around his thumbnail. He ends up pushing it further into her mouth until her lips wrap around the first knuckle.

Tsu bites into the taiyaki to distract herself from this shameless display of thumb-sucking in the middle of the cafeteria. She hates a lot of things about Bakugou but the first on her list is what he's turned her best friend into.

"Hope not."

Ochako seems to come to her senses and pushes Bakugou's hand away from her face so she can take another look back. Bakugou grumbles and shoves his fists into his pockets.

"Aw, c'mon, Tsu. He's kinda cute." she insists.

Tsu frowns, then looks at Bakugou and remembers that Ochako has terrible taste in men. "No, he is not."

Bakugou jerks his head over to their table. "Who?" he demands.

He throws a fit but they both ignore him in favor of Midoriya and Todoroki walking by.

"Deku," Ochako calls.

Midoriya's fingers involuntarily grip his tray tighter. "Yeah?"

"Could you c'mere a sec?"

Midoriya takes a precautionary look at Bakugou and begins walking over. "…Sure."

Todoroki follows him and places his tray across from Tsuyu, nodding politely at her.

Tsu nods back. Midoriya smiles at them. "What's up, Uraraka?"

"So, funny story," she begins, stuffing the rest of the chocolate into her mouth and folding the wrapper into eights. "You see that guy over there?"

Midoriya looks over and raises a brow. "Um. I see a few guys."

"Yeah, anyway, the one with the eyes gave Tsu this Snickers bar I just ate."

"That's Tsuburaba," Todoroki supplies. "He's deceptively heavy."

Midoriya squints, trying to follow. "O…kay?"

"Well, he's been staring at Tsu this whole time and it's getting kinda creepy, so could you go tell him to stop?"

Tsu gives Ochako a look. She doesn't need anyone speaking for her. She could've told Tsuburaba to stop staring if she wanted to.

Midoriya's frown softens as he looks over at Tsu. "O-oh." His voice cracks. "Yeah, alright. I'll talk to him."

"Are we beating some beta-kid ass?" Bakugou asks, slamming his fist into his sparkling palm.

"No." Midoriya says, "We're just gonna go have a civil conversation with him."

Bakugou nods. "And then we're beating some beta-kid ass."

Todoroki sighs and sets his chopsticks aside to push himself off the seat. "I guess I'll go along,"

Midoriya, Bakugou and Todoroki walk the six steps it takes to their table before standing idly. They all stare expectantly at each other until Midoriya clears his throat. "Hi,"

"Hi?" Tsuburaba replies.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Can you move first? You're blocking the view."

"Yeah, listen, Tsuburaba," he starts, and brings a hand up to rub the back of his neck. "I don't think she likes what you're doing."

Tsuburaba upturns his palms innocently. "I'm literally just looking,"

"No, I know. It's just I think it's making her uncomfortable, is all—"

"Get the hell out of here," Tsuburaba shakes his head dismissively and continues staring at Tsuyu.

Todoroki blinks at Midoriya expectantly. Bakugou holds his own wrist and flicks his fingers, mouthing fifty percent.

Midoriya clears his throat. "She sent me over here to tell you to stop staring at her. Can you do that for me?"

"Bro, who the fuck do you think you are?" Tsuburaba snaps. "Her dad?"

Midoriya suddenly feels unjustified for standing up for her. Tsuyu never actually told him to go talk to Tsuburaba. He should probably sit back down.

Aware of his friend's caving, Todoroki steps in. "No, but he is the father of her children."

That makes the rest of his crew look up. Tsuburaba tilts his head up. "What?"

"What." Deku reiterates.

"You heard him," Bakugou says, throwing his arm around Midoriya's shoulders. "There's a bun in that oven and it belongs to Deku here."

"Kacch—"

"And by oven he means her amphibious womb." Todoroki clarifies.

"Todo—"

"And by bun I meant a dozen Hawaiian sweet rolls." Bakugou adds. Midoriya starts choking, so he squeezes his neck with the crook of his elbow to quiet him.

Tsuburaba's jaw drops.

Todoroki nods. "A fitting metaphor for their twelve children."

Midoriya starts wheezing, kicking his feet up off the ground.

Kaibara squints up at them. "That's cap."

"Gotta be," Tsuburaba mumbles, sounding doubtful.

"Why do you think she walks like that?" Bakugou says, jutting his thumb back to where Tsuyu and Ochako are sitting. "That's five semesters worth of Deku blowing her back out."

"In fact, they've dubbed a new spinal disorder in her name." Todoroki mentions. "It's called Asui's kyphosis."

Bakugou tsks. "Knock-kneed as fuck."

Midoriya bites down on Bakugou's forearm and frees himself, gasping and panting all the while.

"Poor girl won't ever be the same." Todoroki shakes his head at Midoriya. "You just don't know when to stop do you?"

Tsuburaba continues to gawk.

"And her voice? It isn't raspy because of some mutant anatomy." Bakugou claps Midoriya's shoulder mercilessly. "That's all Deku too."

"Wha—? H-h-huh?" Midoriya can do nothing but mumble and sputter and try to catch his breath.

"Oh, I get it now." Tsuburaba mutters, looking at Midoriya differently.

Midoriya shakes his head and covers his eyes.

"Yeah, hate to be the one to break it to you but," Bakugou shrugs.

"So," Tsuburaba blinks his wide eyes a few more times. "Tsu's a freak?"

Katsuki gives a sharp smile.

Deku presses his face further into his hands.

Shouto nods sagely. "Tsuper freak."