Compartmentalizing You
Chapter 9
"Catra." Her name echoed around the room behind her, low and fierce. A command, not a request. An obligation, not a choice. Never a choice with her- not that Catra ever minded. Smiling, she turned around to see- her- goddess, leaning against the door frame. Blonde hair catching in the evening sun casting a golden halo around her face. Sharp blue eyes peered out at her, heatedly predatory. A contrast that sent a delicious shiver down Catra's spine, reminding her that this was real. Not a cruel dream punctuated with the reality of abandonment. So many nights alone spent awoken aching for a moment like this. This singular moment where all attention was on her. Not on training. Not on duty. Not on fear. Now and forever, it would always just be Catra. She was so sure of it.
Adora smiled teasingly as she folded her arms underneath her breasts. The movement stretched the thin fabric further down her body where it exposed her already pronounced cleavage. An action meant to ruse Catra from her thoughts. Gaze lingering, Catra's ears twitched in quiet appreciation. It wasn't often that Catra found herself being the one seduced and silently, she admittingly liked it.
"Catra, I'm up here." The sharp tone softening, musical in its teasing. Eyes moving upwards, Catra let her gaze slide slowly letting the heat in the air heighten. Giving a low chuckle and a roll of her eyes, Adora pushed off the door frame and wrapped her arms around Catra's neck. Pressing their foreheads together, Catra let her hands naturally settle on her partner's hips. Oh, First Ones…This was all I ever wanted. She thought, sighing as she closed the distance and brought their lips together. It was gentle in the way she held her breath just to count the seconds. She liked the way Adora's chest rattled and her eyelids drooped as their lips parted.
"What were you thinking about?" She whispered, her breath still shaky as the corners of her lips pulled into a relaxed grin. She peered intently into Catra's eyes as if she was seeing her for the first time. Really seeing all that they could be- together. Feeling her words get caught in her throat, Catra looked away. It was hard for her to express her thoughts to this woman: once sister, once enemy and now, lover. She didn't want to muddy these moments with the heaviness of her memories.
Yet, she couldn't stop the frustration as it exploded out her chest. "I was thinking about what the people around here are saying about us- about you. I know I deserve their hatred, but you...you almost died for Etheria! It's like they're turning their backs on you! I can't stand it!" She blurted out as she pulled away. Running her fingers through her hair, Catra clenched her jaw in anger.
"They're calling you a traitor! A traitor that was easily seduced by a Horde whore!" A feral growl escaped her throat as she spat the words out. She had merely gone out for a walk outside the castle, to get away from the stifling atmosphere within the walls. She had hoped she'd be able to see more of the Bright Moon that Adora talked so much about. Yet, all she had gotten were stares and murmurs. She should have known better that the kingdom's people wouldn't forget all the battles she had waged against them. All the people she had killed. Of course, they would hate Adora for loving her. She didn't deserve her kindness, let alone her affection.
Expecting an outburst of indignation, Catra was surprised when several seconds of silence followed. She was beginning to feel stifled by the tension that suddenly hung in the air. Glancing back at the blonde, she was quick to catch the subtleness of Adora's anger. The curling of her fists, the vacantness of her stare and the tautness of her shoulders. "Horde whore…?" She muttered, chewing out the words slowly. Catra's fur stood on end as a quiet hum of power vibrated the air around Etheria's hero. Nostrils flaring, Adora's expression darkened as her easy smile morphed into a tight frown. The familiar light in her eyes twisted into something strange, something foreign that Catra couldn't quite place. As if she had become someone else entirely.
"Adora…?" She called for her, instinctively trying to grasp onto anything she could recognize. She brushed away a stray lock and tucked it behind Adora's ear. Gently she cupped her face, as blue eyes blinked back into awareness. The hardness in her eyes dissipated at the sight of the tightness in Catra's furrowed brow. Breathing a sigh of relief, she embraced the blonde and buried her head into her chest. There, this was the Adora that she knew. The most predictable woman in the world.
"I don't care what they say, as long as I have you!" Catra bellowed as she lifted Adora off the ground and began carrying her to the bed. Rewarded with a hearty laugh, the blonde wrapped herself around Catra, her arms squeezing tightly: trembling in their grasp.
"I'm here. I will always be here for you " Adora whispered so quietly that Catra wasn't sure if she even heard it. She just assumed that she imagined it.
Groaning, Catra opened her eyes to the only furnished room within the Crystal castle. She removed herself from her delectable bed, the floor, with a stretch and a yawn. She had fallen asleep after she had raided Adora's med supply and had attended to the blonde's wounds. Yet, as her sleep induced drowsiness lifted, she suddenly noticed that she was the only occupant in the room. Where could she have gone? She thought. Her throat constricted in response to the silence. Adora was doing what she always did best, leaving Catra behind. Just how she left her behind in the Whispering Woods. "I will always be here for you." A lie. She only ever lied to Catra. And, she was always bad at it.
Still haven't gotten over that, I see. It's not your fault that you've never been enough for her, Little Sister. Enough to stay, at least. Horde Prime's voice reverberated in her head, deafening in its unspoken implications. If only she could purge him from her mind but He was gone. All that remained was merely her- and the trauma. The abandonment. The resentment. But she was so much more than just the pain. Even if she didn't always believe it. If only she could make Adora understand.
Ear flicking in annoyance, she could feel the familiar throb in her temple, the beginnings of a migraine building. An unwanted ailment that had so frequently plagued her during her ascent in the Horde ranks: during her absence. Climbing to her feet, she pushed her hair out of her face and tried to settle the heat of fear searing itself into her chest.
"Dammit, Adora! Are you here?!" She shouted. Hoping that the echo would deafen the thrum of her heartbeat. Yet, the sound of her scream died as quickly as it came. A refusal by the castle to reverberate her call. It appeared that regardless of Light Hope's presence, the castle would still see her as an invader. Forever at its attempt to swallow her whole.
Nostrils flaring at the thought, Catra sucked air through her teeth and quietly hissed. Waiting, she heard no reply to her call. No sound of feet shuffling or the rustle of clothes. She was so finely attuned to Adora's presence, she could hear her from a legion away. But successfully, the castle absorbed all sound. A defiance by the First Ones in their disapproval of Adora's choice of affections.
Fine. I will just have to just smell her out. She glowered as she skulked out of the room. Catra stayed close to the wall while she walked. She raked her claws against the wall in an attempt to mark her passage. If the castle was going to make finding Adora difficult for her, she figured she'd at least enjoy defacing it. A past time she had once enjoyed in her youth.
After walking down a few halls, Catra retraced her steps to make sure that her markings were still there. Once she confirmed that the castle wasn't erasing her trail, she began to focus on Adora's faded scent. The blonde woman always had an Eatherian pudgency. A pudgency only replicated by the one thing that would ever grow in the Horde's land: moss. When they were children, Adora had discovered the multiple uses of the plant that grew along the buildings. She used to line the bottom of her bed with the stuff for extra warmth and padding. She even used to make tea just to avoid drinking their polluted water. Had even discovered its use as a sealant for her open wounds.
Catra had always hated the smell of the moss because it reminded her of the dirt. Of the confines she called home: the Horde. Reminded her of Shadow Weaver's room or Hordak's lair. Off all the places where she had only ever known pain. Despite Catra's multiple complaints, Adora kept using it anyway even after Catra started threatening her to stop. And then one day, the moss just smelled of her and she just didn't hate it anymore.
And when Adora had abandoned her, all she had left was her memories and the smell of her surrounding her everywhere she went. It had driven her mad during those sleepless nights, when her visions of revenge overlapped with her memories of them together. Forcing her to associate the anger- the smell- with the pain- the memories. An association, she had yet to untwine.
Why do you hold onto her? She only hurts you. Horde Prime cooed, his pleasure radiating in the recesses of her mind. Relishing in the way the memories sent a sharp ache through her chest as he forced forward more memories- more pain. The migraine grew in response to the tightness in her chest. She was familiar with the road her thoughts were leading down. Had wandered it too many times and finally, knew how to stop it.
Catra stopped walking and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath in, she trained her focus on the faint smell lingering to the walls around her. Bringing herself to the present and not the past. Tried to remember that Horde Prime wasn't there and that it was just her talking to herself.
She opened her palm flat against the wall and focused on the feeling of the smooth metallic texture against her hand. Feeling the coolness in the air and listening to the absence of noise. The Crystal Castle would drive her mad if she wandered without purpose. Unlike the Bright Moon palace where the hallways took one where they wanted to go, this fortress forced its inhabitants deeper into its maze. She had navigated these halls plenty of times before. She refused to let this place defeat her. Gently, the migraine eased in its throbbing.
Sniffing, she realized that she had wandered in a direction Adora had not gone. Going back the way she came, she followed her claw marks back. Eventually, she was able to find the hallway where she had taken the wrong turn. Yet, once she started walking down the new corridor, she immediately realized that the scent had grown stronger. She had just missed Adora.
Heart beating in anticipation, Catra quickened her steps. Finally, we can talk about what happened. We will go back to Bright Moon and work this out with Sparkles. Her thoughts raced as she began sprinting, the smell grew stronger with every step. Abruptly, she halted in front of a door. Chest heaving, sweat trickling down her forehead, Catra took a quick second to collect herself. She would do this the right way and not let this escalate into another fight. They'd work this out. Hand trembling, she reached out to open it but stopped when she heard muffled cries piercing through the door. Silently, she moved forward and placed her ear against the cold barrier.
"I can't do this. Help me, Light Hope. Please, help me." The desperation in Adora's voice caused Catra's fur to stand on end. At first, she was convinced that perhaps it was the castle playing tricks on her again but the sobbing that reached her ears told her otherwise. Confusion began to prickle at the edges of her mind as she poured over her recent interactions with Adora. Even with her change in behavior, Catra had never heard her sound like this.
"Light Hope, please come back. Give me a mission. Train me. Make me forget. I'll be your weapon. Just…" She trailed off, her voice replaced with the muted vibrations of walls being hit. She was barely able to hear the next part through all of Adora's incoherent screaming. Voice cracking, Adora pleaded, "Don't leave me like this! Don't leave me here with her! Light Hope!"
Don't leave me here with her. Head swimming, Catra jerked away from the door as if she'd been burned. Adora's voice warped into a jumbled string of endless screaming. Taking a step back, the edges of her vision darkened as she became unable to focus on the door in front of her. Don't leave me here with her. The migraine suddenly grew in intensity as it pounded with every thunderous heartbeat. The pain became excruciating as it reverberated inside her skull. Only to grow stronger with the cacophony of Adora's screaming ringing in her ears.
Don't leave me here with her. Stumbling down the hall, it became a battle against her limbs as the pain began to override her senses. She could no longer feel the wall against her fingers, the floor beneath her feet. Don't leave me here with her. Her vision blurred and became shrouded with red. Anger erupted deep within her, driving energy into her as she fled for the exit.
Don't leave me here with her. She slammed her shoulder into the entrance of the Crystal castle, hoping the pain would distract her from the explosion inside her. She couldn't make out anything around her, the world had drowned itself in rage and crimson. Don't leave me here with her. She enveloped the fury that brought warmth to her veins. Let it fill the wound that was all that was Adora.
Don't leave me here with her. She hated her. She loved her. The pain and the anger were inseparable. She began pounding the door, roaring in frustration when her futile attempts to pry it open failed. Adora had never wanted her. She knew that. Adora always lied to her. She knew that. Why did she keep trying?
Don't leave me here with her. Rearing her head back, Catra slammed her forehead against the door. A violent effort meant more to ease the pain in her mind than an actual attempt at escaping. She was trapped and she knew it. Slumping forward, she let the heaviness of gravity overtake her. Exhausted but in agony, she drew her knees up to her chest and buried her face into her legs. She would have to wait until the migraine eased.
Don't leave me here with her. Closing her eyes, she let the whispers in her head fill her. Let them warp her memories and her love. Let them convince her that she'd never be free from the pain. That Adora, herself, would always be the trauma. No matter how Catra lied to herself. Their lives had been too interwoven to begin with and Catra realized she had only ever confused love with contempt. Except this time, she needed to find another way to deal with Adora. A way that allowed Catra the ability to walk away sane.
Quietly, agonizingly, she waited. Her only plea: Don't leave me here with her.
[CHANGE IN POV]
"Glimmer, you know that you need to warn the rest of the kingdoms about Adora. I did not rescind my right as King just for you to make these silly mistakes. Adora is a threat to the security of Etheria. You will not be able to control the talk of the citizens of Bright Moon. Rumor will spread and eventually, the others will know what she has done." Her father patronized her. His voice grated into her ears as he droned on in his lecture amidst their early morning breakfast ritual. Glimmer only wanted to eat her morning gruel in silence as her mind rolled over the past day's events.
Annoyed, her father banged his fist onto the table in an attempt to get her attention. Still, she ignored him trying to strategize her plans for the upcoming speech she had later that morning. She needed to pass a formal Judgement on yesterday's events to her citizens. She had to inform them of how she planned to deal with Adora.
She did not bother telling her father her thoughts. The Mad King was a broken man who had left behind a wife and a young daughter during his exile on Beast Island. Only to return to a new Queen, a changed kingdom and a prospectively dead wife. The stress of the adjustment had broken him and he spent his days shifting between moments of lucidity and having crazed ravings. Their morning ritual was a practice meant to keep him grounded in the present. A ritual she often enjoyed as the oncoming habit of it had given her more experiences with the father that she remembered. The only drawback is that he insisted upon cooking and in response, she had lovely named his meals her morning gruel.
"Glimmer! Listen to your King when he speaks to you!" He roared as he slammed his fists down hard enough to toss their morning slosh into a puddle on the floor. Glancing down at the mess, she sighed before she coldly glared back up at the Mad King. It was hard not to hate the man he'd become for she had known so little the man that he'd been. She struggled to separate the imaginary father, the King, she had built up in her mind from the very real paternal figure before her.
"One, I need not do anything because I am Queen and my word is law. Two, you did not rescind your right as King. You were removed from your rule by the succession of your wife after your presumed death during the war. Three, you are my father and we are at breakfast. And need I remind you, we do not speak politics over breakfast. A rule that you created." She coolly clarified. She dabbed at the edges of her mouth as she adjusted in her seat.
Making eye contact, she noticed his faraway stare and knew then that she was having breakfast with the Mad King once more. His expression had gone slack as her father retreated into his own mind. He had a tendency to do that whenever she mentioned her mother. A fact she lamented but it was difficult to connect with him when any relation to her rule as Queen meant warranting the additional explanation of her mother's end.
With a sigh of annoyance, she wordlessly got to her feet and headed for the door. They often ate their breakfast in his chambers since the Mad King wasn't healthy enough to venture outside his bedroom door. His body and mind had deteriorated together, an issue that no physician or healer could resolve.
"Send someone to attend to my father and clean the mess." She said in passing to the guard that held the door open for her. He merely nodded, his face unreadable. Stepping out into the hallway, she prayed to the First Ones that the palace would not send her to Bow. She didn't need the headache. He had not spoken to her or even stood by her during the funeral pyre the night before and she dreaded the pursuing argument.
With relief, she found herself at the entrance to her private gardens. The only place in the palace where she could not be disturbed. It was not often that the palace sent her here for it always knew when she would need to be interrupted. A Queen's duty never ended, yet another lesson she grieved her mother did not teach her.
Unlike her companions, her life had only tripled in stress. Fighting was easy. Rebuilding was hard. If only those closest to her could see that. Bow, in all his genius, was not raised to be a policy maker and did not think things past the dispensing of justice. Adora, forever a brilliant strategist, was not a diplomat and only ever saw things through the scope of war. And surprisingly, Catra, once a soldier, then a commander and later, briefly, a ruler, could not discern the nuances in Bright Moon politics that Glimmer often had to jump through.
Stepping into her flowery haven, she breathed in and savored the taste of dew on her tongue. Her garden was set within the heart of the castle, a secret courtyard within the center of the palace. Every ruler of Bright Moon had a different secret room dedicated only to them. Glimmer was always comforted with the fact she'd find no trace of her mother amongst her Moon Glories and Glitter Lions. Her own world. Even Bow could not accompany her here.
The thought of him made her heart heavy. So with a sigh, she settled herself by the edge of the aqueducts and the courtyard wall. The water construct was what supplied water to her palace and her garden, forever a practical and pleasing aesthetic. The sound of water rushing downhill had always given her comfort as it echoed melodically through the small courtyard. Running her fingers through the crisp water, she reveled in its coolness as she leaned her head against the wall.
Comfortable, she let her thoughts drift to the sources of her stress and decided to review her speech in her head. She knew that what she would say would shock the kingdom. Moving past traditions would make her rule a controversial one but she hoped if she could weather it, that it would be worth it long after she is gone. Etheria looked to Bright Moon for strength and Bright Moon looked to her. She would teach them all that she could be strong without cruelty and fear. Bow would disagree. She knew he would.
His friendlier and forgiving attributes had not survived the death of his parents. He had learned to simplify his plans through the process of numbers. An influence from Entrapta, Glimmer heavily regretted she let happen.
After his fathers were killed, Bow went into shock and needed time to recuperate. Glimmer had offered to make him her consort as a result, hoping he could share her burden and distract him from his grief. Yet, once she had publicly elevated his status to her royal companion, he spent all his energy on the rebuilding process. So focused that he decided to temporarily relocate to Entrapta's home so that they could work together on creating the new technologies that needed to be built for the Reconstruction process.
He had only stayed a month, incapable of being near Hordak, the leader of the army that murdered his parents. When he had returned, he was angrier and he was different. Glimmer couldn't tell if that was from the shock wearing off or being near Hordak.
Thoughts shifting towards Adora, Glimmer decided not to dwell. Getting to her feet, she gathered it was about time for her to publicly pass Judgement. She needed to spend her time thinking the thoughts of a ruler, not a friend. At least, when said friend has become the menace of her kingdom. Sometimes, she feared, she was the only one that saw Adora for what she was not the person everyone wanted her to be. Glimmer knew what it meant to have the stress of the world on her shoulders. A stress, she presumed, that caused Adora, the Horde soldier, to eventually snap. Being groomed for battle was not the same as being groomed to lead. A defining point that Glimmer hoped made a difference in the face of the same stress.
"Citizens of Bright Moon! I come here today, on this morning, the day after the tragic death of Cedric of Thrllwyn to pass Judgement on the perpetrator, the Hero of Etheria, She-ra!
Yet, before I pass my conviction, I will pass a new law: there will no longer be a Blood Price. We stand in a new era, a time without war. We must separate ourselves from the practices of the past and embrace the prospect of a more peaceful tomorrow! We would not be where we are right now without the help of the Hero of Etheria, She-ra!
This does not mean I condone her actions! She has taken a life before its time and Cedric of Thrllwyn deserves justice, but not of blood. To do so, would be a disservice to his memory. Instead, we will remember this opportunity of a better future through the efforts of She-ra by letting her live! Forcing her instead to exile. She will find no solace in any kingdom of Etheria.
No longer will she be the Hero of Etheria, She-ra, but the Exile of Etheria! Let her walk the remainder of her days with the weight of Cedric's life upon her! First Ones save the Exile of Etheria!"
Her proclamation was met with roars of disapproval. Unsurprised, she stepped back off the edge of the balcony and retreated back into the palace. She knew that her Advisors would be in a rush to meet with her after assessing the damage from the citizens' reactions. True rulers must make difficult decisions. She grimaced in thought as she headed towards the meeting room to await them. In the meantime, she would plan on how to prevent the news from reaching the other kingdoms. She suspected Bow was already working against her.
Alright, guys, that's the end of the chapter! Leave a review and let me know what you think! More is in store!