What happens when Mac finally admits his feelings for Ella McBride and it was too late. A little out of character for Mac Taylor. In this story Stella never left New York. The story takes place 5 years after the Ella McBride incident and post- season 9 (Mac's relationships with Peyton and Christine already happened.) My take on what happened after Ella tried harming herself and she received the help she actually needed following her father's death. Would Mac Taylor actually have the same feelings for her?
Trigger warnings for self-harm, anxiety, and mature themes.
It has been 5 years since Mac last saw Ella. The one case he felt attached to the victims was the one that also betrayed him. In those five years he lost touch with her yet he still thought of her often. He remembered how a young woman like her, scorned from the pains of grief, found solace in his presence. He knew she was looking for an outlet for someone to care for her. He knew what that was like. To feel alone especially after someone you love suddenly disappears. He made it clear to her that he would always be there for her. The memory of the twinkle in her eye with a bright sweet smile when he said that to her is engrained in his memory forever. The thought brought a sense of warmth up to his chest.. "Wait. Stop." He was confused about these feelings. But he..enjoyed that feeling.. of infatuation? He doesn't know how to pinpoint it. "He tries to rationalize with himself: "She was traumatized. She just wanted to feel something so desperately. She didn't ACTUALLY feel that way about you… you're much too older. Someone as beautiful as her could never… wait… beautiful…?"
"Hey boss…?.. you okay?"
He was dragged out of his own train of thought when he finally noticed Danny in front of his desk..
"Yeah.. just thinking about this ..case." He was lying and it was so obvious.
Danny didn't want to press him and cause any trouble given the holidays coming up.
"Well just wanted to stop by before I leave and say Happy New Year.. if you're not doing anything why don't you come to the office NYE party. It's at the new swanky restaurant downtown… everyone's gonna be there."
"Mmm I don't know. It's not really my scene…" Mac was used to spending the holidays alone since Claire's death. He says it never bothered him and it gave him a chance to finally get the rest he's been needing for the year… only to really suppress the feelings of loneliness.
"C'mon Mac! It'll be good!
"I'll see."
"Alright! I'll take that!" Danny was not convinced he'd show up.. he never does anyways.
When Danny left his office Mac watched thru the glass walls of his office. He saw Lindsey walking up to Danny as they met in front of the elevators. Danny wrapping his arm around his wife and kissed her on the forehead before they walked into the elevator together.
The sight reminded him of carrying Ella out of her apartment. He found her with her wrists slashed and felt like he himself was stabbed in the chest. It was the same day he yelled at her, shooing her off after faking evidence.
/
"Tell me?! What made you do all this..?! We wasted time on a case when we could've spent it on someone who needed our help the most!"
Ella would not make any eye contact with him.
"You."
"What?"
"I did it.. for you… I just wanted to see you again.. and.. and I didn't know how to.."
"How to what?! Waste my crime lab's resources?!" His voice was getting louder and people outside the office was starting to notice. It caught Stella's attention who was across the hall talking to a lab tech about some results
Ella still had her head down as he yelled. And she didn't even dare to look at him in the eye.
He waited for her to respond but she said nothing.
"Get out. I don't ever want to see you again."
Ella could feel her heart break into a million pieces. That's it.. she's alone. She could feel the walls caving in and she had no one to hold on to. Not even Mac. He wanted nothing to do with her.
Ella finally looked up and into his eyes with a glossy shine over her eyes.
It was at that sight that Mac's features softened.. he didn't realize.. she had felt something for him..
Ella ran out of his office and went to the stairs. She didn't want to wait at the elevators with everyone staring at her as tears ran down her face. She didn't want people to stare at her as her broken heart was on display.
Mac was frozen in his tracks. He was confused about the whole ordeal. She made up a crime for him.. she wanted to see him again? She was much younger than he was.. why would she want.. and at that moment Stella walked into his office and interrupted his thoughts to ask what that all was about.
He never really told Stella what Ella told him.. he just made some excuse because quite frankly he was not all too sure what happened himself..
/
Mac's thoughts jumped to a few hours later that day.. they received a call about a disturbance.
"266 S. Ashland"
The moment he heard that.. he remembered.. that was Ella's address. She had invited him for dinner as a thank you for solving her father's death. But he declined and made up some excuse for having so much work to do.
Mac remembered the panic he felt when he heard that. He was awaiting for the worse.. he would find Ella dead and his last words to her were to "get out" and that he "never wanted to see her
again."
He broke the door open and called Ella's name. But there was no answer.
He looked around the apartment until his eyes caught sight of Ella's hand on the kitchen floor, the rest of her covered by the kitchen counter.
He saw a puddle of blood. His heart breaking as he saw the cuts on her wrists.
She looked up at him with tears, "I'm sorry.." she whispered
Mac ripped the dish towel hanging in front of the oven and knelt in front of her and tightly wrapped them around her wrists. He held on to her wrists so tightly that he thought he would bruise her frail arms.
Mac brushed her hair out of her face and wiped her tears. "It's going to be okay Ella. I've got you."
Mac could remember how she smelled as he pulled her into his arms and carried her out of the apartment. He didn't notice it then but his memories bring him back to a smell of soft vanilla. So sweet and enticing.
/
What am I doing.. he thought to himself. Mac got up from his desk and grabbed his suit jacket to go home for the weekend.
As he waited for the elevator he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes in n effort to rid his mind of the thoughts of…her. But flashes of her face was all he could see. The eyes that looked at him after he broke her heart in his office continues to haunt him. He opened his eyes and sighed as the elevator door rang and opened. He stepped in to make his way home.
—
Later that evening, Mac thought of what Danny said and decided to meet up with everyone at the restaurant for New Year's Eve. At this time it would be standing room only but maybe the noise can help him distract his thoughts of Ella.
Mac showed up dressed in black trousers and a light blue button up with a black quarter zip over his shirt. He made his way thru the crowd and found his team sitting at a high top table near the bar.
"Hey boss! You showed up!" Danny was grinning ear to ear.
Everyone said their hellos to him and the look on Danny's face showed how relieved he was that Mac was out finally taking time for himself. Lindsey caught on her husband's look and smiled at Danny with reassurance.
The bar was packed especially on New Year's Eve. It was clear it wasn't just the members of the crime lab and police department present at this place.
Danny gave Mac a glass of neat whiskey in an effort to help him relax. He knew he hated crowded events like this. Or any socializing for that matter. He took a couple of sips and could feel the alcohol taking effect. He didn't mind. But watching the team have conversation with each other put him in a trance. He thought of Ella again.. what was she doing tonight. Is she better.. what is she wearing tonight. Is she with someone to treat her right? Will she get a kiss at midnight? And what would it feel like to have her tiny pink lips on his.. would she taste as sweet as vanilla? He caught himself in the thought. What are you doing?! He scolded himself. the logical and RIGHT thing to do would be to leave it alone. Suppress the thoughts, but he couldn't help it. He was just getting more and more frustrated. Constantly deliberating with himself. I am twice as old as her.. she would never feel that way. Was I seeing things correctly? Sure what she did was very damaging to an investigation but he still felt immense regret for not seeing the signs sooner. It was flattering to know someone like Ella was as infatuated the way she was with him. But he still believed it to be near impossible and for obvious reasons.. besides age.. Ella was way out of his league.
Finally Stella's voice breaks his trance in his own thoughts.
"Oh my god! Ella?! Is that you?!"
His eyes immediately track to the blonde in front of Stella. Her smile was infectious. There was a twinkle in her eye. The same one that kept replaying in his head. And he suddenly felt nervous.
Danny saw his boss suddenly fidget next to him. He placed his hand on Macs shoulder and asked if he was okay. Mac simply nodded and took a swig of his whiskey.
In his periphery he could hear Stella say, "wow Ella you look great!"
And Macs eyes trailed over her body. She was no longer this frail human being. Something changed.. she looked confident, healthier… happier. And seeing her this way made his heart swell.
Was Mac Taylor crushing..? Has his memories of Ella created a mirage of a woman that he finally started to feel something for her…? But he knew it was too late. He never noticed her in time.
"So are you here with anyone special?" Stella winked and her question sparked Mac's attention. He tried to eavesdrop over the loud conversations around the bar.
"Oh no.." Ella said as she giggled. "I'm actually here with a bunch of my old girlfriends from college. One of them lives down the street with her fiancé and we all decided to go here for drinks and the count down!"
"Thats so great Ella, I'm so happy you're here and you look phenomenal! You remember everyone right?"
Stella began to introduce everyone down the line and finally came Mac.
".. and Mac ."
Mac caught her eyes and suddenly felt like he couldn't speak. He managed to push out the words.
"Hi… Ella."
She didn't say anything. She just held his gaze and smiled shyly.
Mac tried avoiding her the whole evening. Stealing small glances at her when she was looking away. He was mesmerized by her. And the deliberation of her age, her being out of his league kept repeating over and over like a broken record in his head.
This all did not go unnoticed by Danny.
It was nearing 11:30 and Danny walked up to Mac who was standing by the bar.
"You know.. you should talk to her."
"Talk to who?"
Mac tried to play dumb
"Cmon Mac. You know who I'm talking about. The girl you've been staring at the entire night?"
Mac just shook his head.. more ashamed at himself he made it so obvious.
"Listen man.. I know what happened. I saw what happened in your office.. but I can see how you look at her. You should talk to her.. seriously. "
"Danny… I can't.. I'm not.. she's like 20 years younger than me.. maybe more.."
"So?!"
"So?! And even then… she's.. I mean look at her! A guy like me.." Mac looks away because this is the first time he says it out loud and admits it to himself "never gets to be with someone as…." Mac hesitates because he wants to call her beautiful.. but he doesn't want to admit it in front of Danny so instead he says "..like her."
"Listen man, it's New Year's Eve.. anything can happen. I mean how long have you been thinking about her.. "
Mac looks at Danny and thinks to himself "he knows I think about her…"
"AND she even said she's not here with anyone… this could be your chance Mac.."
Danny knew he was not convinced.
"Mac…You've been alone for far too long. And suddenly the girl you've been dreaming about shows up to the same place on New Years Eve with no date! AND no drama! This is once in a lifetime. Mac, it's a second chance…"
Finally Macs features soften. Mac is reminded of the postcard saying, "I will make him love me." And it's like he's finally came to admit it to himself.. she never had to make him because he always loved her from the beginning.
Danny can see the gears working in Mac's head. Mac suddenly downs the rest of his whiskey and orders another one.
"Atta boy!"
Mac scans the room, and suddenly he can slowly feel his heart sink. He can't find her. It was too good to be true. He missed her. She left. Suddenly Danny taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey Mac.. look she's out there.."
Mac catches sight of her on the balcony outside near the heated lamp. She's alone and staring out at the skyline. She had a mug in her hand and was leaning over the railing as the snow began to fall.
11:45
Mac walks towards the balcony door and opens it. He feels the cold wind hit his face as Ella turns around to see who it was. Mac could swear he was imagining it but as the cold wind hit his face, he swore he could smell scent of sweet vanilla.
"Hi.. Ella.."
"Hi Detective Taylor."
She used to call him by his first name but now she didn't. A small sign that she wasn't the same person she used to be… no longer infatuated with him and it hurt a little for Mac.
"You can call me Mac."
"Okay," she smiled at him "Mac."
He slowly approached her near the lamp. He could feel the warmth radiating around him.
"What are you drinking?" He offered
"Oh.. it's just tea. I stopped drinking a while ago… and.. I just wanted something to keep me warm.. "
The closeness to her was having an effect on Mac and he hoped it wasn't obvious. She looked so beautiful he thought to himself. And God how he wanted to wrap his arms around her. She looked… happier. A better version of herself. Ella.. but more..at ease.
11:50
" you look great Ella."
"Thanks Mac. You're not too bad yourself"
Mac immediately blushed and couldn't believe she was being flirtatious with him..thank god that didn't change he thought to himself..
"Listen Ella.. I just wanted to say.. I uh.. I never apologized for what I said to you all those years back. I didn't know you had.."
She waved him off to interrupt. "No don't even say anything. It's fine."
"But it's not.." he interjected as he grabbed her wrist on instinct. Ella was shocked at the sudden contact with his rough hands. Mac lightly brushed his thumbs on the inside of her wrist. He could feel the scar left behind from that horrible day. Ella suddenly pulled her wrist close to her body away from Mac. Feelings of heart break , loneliness, and chaos suddenly flooded her body.
11:58
Ella looked at Mac with sad eyes and suddenly it felt as if she was in his office so many years ago and he just told her to get lost.. "I'm sorry.. I should uh.. go." Ella turned around and hoped to escape before she could feel her walls crumble down.
11:59
" No wait, please Ella."
This time Mac ran after her instead of frozen in his tracks like he was before. And before she had reached the balcony door leading inside to the bar, he reached for her wrist with a stronger pleading grip.
Ella wouldn't make any eye contact with him. She kept her eyes down.
Mac took both her hands in his and turned them over. He saw the scars on both of her wrists and he brushed them as gently as he could with his rough hands.
Mac was lost in his thoughts as he saw the scars again. His memories of that day flashing again and again.
Suddenly the crowd inside the bar chanted
10!
9!
8!
Mac dropped her hands gently. And she instinctively wrapped herself in her arms in an effort to not only hide her scars but to shield her body from the cold as they were far enough away from the heated lamp.
7!
6!
5!
Mac couldn't help but notice how she still avoided his gaze. She brushed a strand of her own hair behind her ear as the wind kept blowing. Ella kept her eyes on the skyline hoping Mac would get the hint to walk away from her.
4!
"Mac this is a once in a lifetime chance.. you're getting a second chance!" The memory of Danny's words flooding Macs thoughts.
3!
He knows he can't turn back now.
2!
Okay my second chance. He thought to himself. The deliberations of the age difference was silent in his own head.
1! Happy new year!
Mac was frozen when she looked up at him. She wasn't expecting him to make a move anyways. So Ella awkwardly let out a cough and cleared her throat. They could hear people inside the bar yelling "happy new year!" And in her peripheral vision she could see couples kissing… and Ella looked back down to avoid Macs gaze.
He couldn't help but stare. He was frozen in his tracks. Like a deer in headlights. As she brought her head back down to look at the ground he was reminded of how sad she looked in his office after breaking her heart…
Mac reached under her chin to tilt her head up. He could see how glossy her eyes were. Macs eyes were so soft and he looked back between her glossy eyes and her pink lips. He slowly lowered his head and lightly brushed his lips against hers. He didn't move any further, waiting to see how she would react. Suddenly he felt her press forward against his lips. He slowly caressed her lips with his own. One of his hands wrapped around the back of her head and the other rested on her shoulder. He couldn't believe this was happening. Ella pushed forward even more. Mac's mind was racing with excitement. She was kissing him back. Ella sighed as Mac's lips continued to kiss her and she wrapped both of her hands around his neck bringing him closer. Mac made no effort to open his mouth and taste her until suddenly he felt Ella's tongue brush against his lower lip to which he happily obliged. Her kisses became hungrier and Mac couldn't help himself. He slowly pushed her against the wall. The cold was no longer a bother to them as they could feel each other's heat radiate off their bodies. As Mac kissed her against the wall the hand on her shoulder moved to the small of her back and he pulled her closer. The kiss was so hot that Mac felt that if they continued down this course he wouldn't be able to control himself. Mac finally let go. They were both breathing heavily. Ella's eyes were still closed and Mac thought how beautiful she looked under the night sky.
When Ella finally opened her eyes Mac noticed how plump her pink lips and thought that was because of him and how passionate their kiss was.
Mac put his forehead against hers and looked into her eyes.
"I'm not letting you go this time."
Ella smiled up at him as Mac could feel her fingers play with the hair on the nape of his neck. She reached up on her tip toes to give him a quick kiss.
"Happy new year Mac.
"Happy new year, Ella"