Authoress' Note: This story begins the first week of January, 2002, seven months after the events of 'Soul Possession'.
P.S. - While you have to be familiar with Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess to read this story, you don't need as much background on 'Being Erica' to follow along. In that series, Erica Strange, a 31-year-old woman living in Toronto in 2009, undergoes the same time travel therapy featured in this story, in order to learn from her regrets over her past choices. While Erica's doctor is Dr. Tom, the therapist featured in 'Being Ares', Dr. Naadiah, appeared in a handful of 'Being Erica' episodes and was once Dr. Tom's therapist and his mentor during the series. In short, 'Being Erica' lends its premise and a few of its characters, but this is first and foremost a Hercules: The Legendary Journeys / Xena: Warrior Princess fanfic.
Being Ares: The Domestic God
Part 1
A Xena: Warrior Princess / Being Erica Crossover
By Arianwen P. F. Everett
"They have weapons of mass destruction. We know they have weapons of mass destruction. Are we supposed to wait til some sleeper cell sets off a chemical weapons attack in the DC subway? We have to take action now!" the square-headed, middle-aged, poindexter bellowed at the reporter, making Ares roll his eyes at the delusion this one was selling. Ares knew, for a fact, that Hussein could barely put together a competent fighting force with conventional weapons. Bombing his nation back to the stone age had nothing to do with self defense and everything to do with resource extraction, control of several prosperous pipelines, and rebalancing power in the region. For the sixth millionth time this century, Ares marveled at how easy it was for these press monkeys to be led to the most preposterous conclusions with a little White House access and perks along the way.
But that was 21st century America, and darn it, he loved the place! Afghanistan was rolling hot as Hades right now and these crazy Yanks were going to start a second conflict in Iraq, completely destabilizing the region for decades to come and nearly bankrupting themselves to do it. There was even a new term going around the beltway, 'Forever War'. Seriously, Ares was so damn proud of these people he could burst. If only they formally worshiped him as their god, there would be more temples and shrines to him in Washington than there were Starbucks, but alas those days were gone and it was the Lord of Light who by and large heard these people's prayers. The twisted irony was that the people in Iraq and Afghanistan were also praying to the same god. The God of War had to admit, Mithra had some racket going.
Ares musings on the primordial force of creation's strategies were cut short when he heard his Aunt Demeter summon him to Olympus, and he groaned inwardly as not to throw Rumsfeld's stooge off his game. He'd heard there might be a meeting about Aphrodite's recent funk and the repercussion of that on humankind, but Ares had hoped the proposed gathering would get bogged down in Olympian politics until his normally effervescent sister was back to her old self and there was no need for it. He was the God of War and at the dawn of the twenty-first century, boy was there a ton of work to be done. However, an official summons was an official summons, and so after picking up his leather briefcase and shoving his notebook and engraved Montblanc pen into it, Ares returned to Olympus to deal with his relatives and hopefully help Cupid keep them off Dite's back for the time being.
When Ares arrived in his father's old throne room, his briefcase having been sent ahead to his rooms, he quietly took his seat at the long conference table that had been carefully situated right over the spot Athena had fallen, and nodded respectfully to Cupid, Hestia, and Minthe, while pointedly ignoring the three other gods present.
Four minutes later, as the God of War acquired a goblet of ambrosia nectar, Demeter finally showed up with Hercules in tow. The demigod didn't look happy to be there, but seeing his mongrel half brother made Ares considerably less so. Hercules was certain to blab about his therapy, resulting in Ares becoming either the laughing stock of Olympus or the scapegoat for Aphrodite's malaise. Either way, he was behind the eight ball on this one, once again thanks to his 'brother'.
"Alrighty then, let's get started. As you all know, we're here to determine why the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, has been failing in her duties these past few weeks and what's to be done about it," Demeter began officiously, causing Ares to sigh and settle in for a tedious afternoon of bureaucracy when what he really needed was to head back to work.
By the Gods he hated the new system his relations, led by Demeter, had instituted while he was living as a mortal for nearly three years after he'd given up his godhood to save Xena and her spawn. As they'd explained to him, he was the rightful ruler of Olympus but nobody trusted him, so in his mortal absence, they'd chosen to honor Athena's memory by creating a more democratic way of doing things. Which as far as Ares was concerned just translated to a more boring and time-consuming system.
Admittedly, by the time he and Dite were returned to Olympus via golden apple, he didn't really want his father's throne any longer. The gods were swiftly being replaced and all sitting it meant was being stuck adjudicating squabbles between the Twilight's survivors and boatloads of other mundane, managerial tasks he had no patience for. Thankfully, Demeter lived for such mind-numbing work, so Ares had graciously stepped aside and allowed her to steer the ship of state in his place.
He was still the God of War. He had more important duties to attend to and the heart of a warrior princess to win. That had been more than enough on his plate.
"Look, Dite is dealing with stuff and she needs space. Holding hearings about her, ones she's not even permitted to attend, can only stress her out," Ares insisted, knowing word had surely already gotten back to his sister.
"I agree. You can't expect anyone to be cheerful all the time. It's just not possible, even for Aphrodite," Hercules stated matter-of-factly, again confused as to how he was in agreement with Ares of all beings.
"Yeah! Mom's not a robot; she has feelings and right now they're a bit wonky. Just chill, Great Aunt D; give her time," Cupid added, pleased to see his mother had so much love and support.
"Look, I love my niece dearly, but her emotions are tied to her godhood, as so happens with many of us. If there's a problem with her powers, then steps need to be taken to insulate humanity from them. Valentine's Day is not even six weeks away. The name not withstanding, mortals worldwide associate that day with Cupid, and his power is tied to his mother's. If her powers are 'wonky', that could easily impact his role in the mortal world. If we're going to risk what little we've managed to hang onto over the centuries so Aphrodite can have her space, then I need to hear a good explanation as to why she needs space in the first place," Demeter clarified, trying to stave off a fight. She was prepared to give Aphrodite the benefit of the doubt, but their place in the world had shifted so radically over the past two millennia that she couldn't take chances without at least knowing why they needed to be taken at all.
Ares sighed, assuming this reasonable tone would motive Hercules to offer him up on a platter. After all, it was his therapy that brought everything back for Aphrodite. Had he not gotten her involved in protecting Dr. Naadiah and Dr. Arthur, she never would have been in a position to confront Micheal and rip open old wounds. Maybe he deserved what was coming.
Suddenly a bored Apollo chose to speak up, and for the briefest of moments Ares was actually grateful to the jerk. "Do we really need a meeting for all this?! Just head over to Dite's suite, tell her to quit moping and get her sh*t together. Then we can all go back to our lives. Seriously, what's everyone's damage?!"
Ares, Hercules, and Cupid all jumped to their feet in unison, each one desiring to throttle the sun god senseless, but each too enraged to voice their anger.
"You'd need a soul to understand our 'damage' when it comes to Aphrodite and all she's been through, which you've amply proven you don't have, Apollo! So just do us all a favor, sit down, and shut up!" Minthe roared in a manner that shocked everyone at the table. Verbal or otherwise, direct aggression was certainly not the Goddess of Mint's style, but she'd gone there all the same.
"What is this.. Nothing-burger doing here? Run back to your herb garden, Girly. Real gods are discussing important matters well above your head," Apollo quipped, haughty, contempt dripping with each syllable.
"Apollo," Hercules ground out threateningly, fed up with the golden-haired god's cruelty. He'd put up with this jackass since he was barely out of childhood and was thoroughly sick of it.
"She is a real goddess and a billion times more worthy of being here than you are!" Ares shot back at his most annoying sibling. Though they all got on his nerves from time to time, unlike the others, Apollo never brought anything useful to the party. He was just.. an immortal idiot.
"No, she's not. Here, I'll show you. Watch," Apollo protested, mischievously producing a ball of sun fire in the palm of his hand and taking aim. However before the golden god could throw the scorching weapon at the trembling Goddess of Mint, Ares leaped across the table and Apollo found himself thrown against the cold, marble floor, being pummeled by the God of War. Over and over the blows came, so fast and full of raw savagery that the Shining One's nose broke and a small trickle of blood dripped from it, his powers not being able to heal him before a new strike landed.
Ares didn't hear Demeter shrieking at him for assaulting another god. He didn't hear Hercules, Cupid, Hestia, Minthe, and the rest trying to get him to stop his attack. All that was going through his mind was how good it felt to pound Apollo's pretty face into mash. He'd failed Dite in not protecting her from Caligula two thousand years ago, but he wasn't going to fail Minthe here today. Finally, Hercules and Cupid managed to haul him to his feet and away from the sun god whose wounds were already healing, though his golden vest and pristine, white pants bore the evidence of his beating. Now Ares just needed to ensure his golden brother learned his lesson. "If you EVER try to harm Minthe again, I will personally throw you in the Abyss of Tartarus myself! DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
Seeing the state of his outfit, Apollo snapped his fingers and his clothing was once again returned to perfect cleanliness along with his body and face. However, his bruised ego needed a bit more to assuage the insult and he sneered at Minthe, looking her up and down from well across the table. "Damn, you must be some lay to make Ares loose it like that.. or is Aphrodite not the only one of us unraveling these days?"
Looking back at the God of War, the smile fell from the sun god's face as he saw his brother begin to glow with fury, and now he wasn't certain he hadn't gone too far. The only other time he'd ever seen rage this intense was with Hera, and back then even Zeus nearly wet himself at what was to come.
So focused on the the god that had just beaten him to a bloody pulp was Apollo that he failed to see Hestia storm up behind him before spitting in his newly-healed face. "Shut your potty mouth, Boy! Minthe is one of mine and I won't have your disrespect!"
Seeing Hestia spit at Apollo and command him as she had eased some of Ares rage and the aura it had created receded. After taking a deep breath to regain control, the God of War grabbed a fistful of Apollo's golden curls and used his greater power to force the jerk to his knees. "Minthe is just a kid, and I'm no pedophile! So just keep your filthy mouth shut when it comes to both of us, or so help me I'll have you eating out of the DC sewer system! Got it?!"
"Yeah Bro, got it," Apollo answered in defeat, as he scrambled to a standing position once more. Ares power was at its zenith and the sun god knew he really would be eating mortal excrement if he challenged his brother on this. He couldn't understand why Ares was championing this minor goddess few ever paid attention to, but whatever his reasons, the God of War was serious and his threat, nor his power, was idle.
"Just leave, Apollo," Demeter commanded wearily, having finally found an opening to regain control of the meeting. She always tried so hard to keep these things official, but her family was what it was and she'd long ago learned to expect disappointment.
"Thank you!" the sun god groaned melodramatically, before quickly taking off in a shower of gold, eager to find a nice warm beach somewhere in the southern hemisphere.
"You too, Ares. I won't have gods brawling in the middle of the throne room. We can reschedule this meeting in a day or so, but I think we all need a break," Demeter continued, putting her foot down with her nephew to appear impartial, and trying not to notice the hurt expression on the Goddess of Mint's face at what had transpired around her.
"I think that's a good idea," Hercules added, placing a comforting hand on Minthe's shoulder to bolster the goddess before making his way back to Demeter for his journey home.
"Whatever," Ares grumbled with a little more attitude than he'd intended, his excess anger making him surly for the moment. Not wanting to say anything he'd have to back peddle from later, Ares nodded to Minthe, Hestia, Cupid, and Demeter, and sent himself to his office space on Olympus where his briefcase would be awaiting his return. It was nearly lunchtime in the United States' capitol, and that gave him almost two hours to catch up on some paperwork before he had three back to back appointments.
However, instead of ending up in his own office, the teleport landed him in his therapist's digs. Sitting behind her desk, whole and ready for a session, was Dr. Naadiah. For a moment Ares was torn. Therapy wasn't easy, but he almost always came back feeling accomplished. Yes there was suffering, frustration, and grief, but even in the depths of his worst moments, something inside of the God of War told him that he was moving in the right direction, so he welcomed what usually came next.
On the other hand he was swamped with work, and now he had to make time for another meeting with Demeter to discuss Aphrodite's situation. Ares keenly felt the pull of his godhood, along with concern for his favorite sister, and he just didn't have any more to give right this moment. At the same time, he didn't know how to break this exhaustion to Dr. Naadiah, a woman who nearly gave her life so he could continue making the most of this opportunity.
"You look good, Doc," Ares complimented, noting that the woman who'd nearly been killed by an Archangel seven weeks ago appeared completely healed.
"Thank you, Ares. I know you went the extra mile and then some to see me safe and restored to health. It means a lot to me," Naadiah expounded, letting Ares know she appreciated all he'd done for her, even if some of it made her uneasy. In time they would address the sacrifice Ares had made to get the blood of Dahok's daughter, but for now it was too raw and Naadiah knew that if she pushed the issue her patient would fall back on old habits and patterns. While he was making great progress, Ares was still too new to therapy to press harder. Change had to come organically with each lesson, including those that ended in a setback.
"Your welcome. So, when are we going to today? Is it 'Saving Dite from Caligula'? Please say it's 'Saving Dite from Caligula'. She's still dealing with the fall out from that scrawny little Roman.. thing, and I'd love nothing more than to do unto him what I just did to Apollo. Please, Dr. Naadiah, send me back to make him pay!" Ares pleaded, happily resigning himself to falling behind schedule at work if it meant saving his sister all that pain and taking more than a pound of flesh out of Caligula's hide.
"I'm sorry, Ares, but you know that's not how this works. You will have your chance with Caligula, but not today. Right now you're strung too tight, like what just happened at that meeting with Apollo..." Dr. Naadiah initiated, leaving the statement open ended to encourage her patient to latch onto the change of subject.
"The meeting.. did you hear how he mocked Dite and what she's been through?! Did you see how he nearly fire-balled Minthe in the middle of dad's throne room?! Apollo's lucky he got out of there alive, seeing as I still have some of Hope's blood stored away in a special place. Using it on that douche bag would have been wasteful, so the Shining One still lives, but I don't regret kicking his ass in the slightest," Ares growled defiantly in rejoinder. Although his Doc was right about one thing; he was still on a precipice with his rage and likely would have done something monumentally stupid and life-ending had she sent him to face off with Caligula and his legions in a mortal farmer's body.
"You're right; what Apollo said was unconscionable, but you also have to admit that you lost control. Which is why you need a vacation," Dr. Naadiah pronounced, smiling mischievously at Ares, who looked back at her with confusion.
"Ah, Doc, I'm not following you. None of my regrets could be considered a vacation, otherwise they wouldn't be regrets," Ares replied, completely uncertain of where his therapist was going and not liking the smirk on her face at all.
"Oh, I don't know. The peaceful, pastoral life has its charms, wouldn't you say?" Dr. Naadiah teased, letting the question settle until the penny dropped in the War God's mind and he let out a defeated whine of protest.
"Not the farm! Please, not the farm! I swear, I'll never understand humanity's.. MASS DELUSION.. that farm life is anything but exhausting, dull, and mind-numbingly.. hard! Can't you mortals just be grateful that you now have tractors, combines, milking machines, and all manner of technology to do that unending litany of chores required for you to eat?! By the Gods, what is with you people?!" Ares questioned rhetorically in long-suffering irritation.
Seriously, other than those few stolen moments where he'd been able to share a laugh or quiet moment with Xena, not a single good day had come to him in nearly three years of mortality, and while Aphrodite's arrival at the hovel Xena had bestowed on him in that final year had made things a little less lonely, it hadn't put a dent in his general level of misery. He'd hated farming and he'd hated himself as a farmer. But more than any of that, he'd hated the idea that he might disappoint Xena if he left, so he'd stayed until she came to collect him and returned him to his rightful place in the universe.
As unpleasant as life could become on Olympus, Ares could at least take pride in the fact that he was doing what he was born to do. As a farmer, on a borrowed farm, he'd been a nobody, doing nothing of consequence. How Dr. Naadiah saw returning to that helpless existence as a vacation, Ares couldn't fathom.
Witnessing and absorbing her patient's internal distress, Dr. Naadiah decided she needed to move things along, lest Ares get too caught up in the self-deprecating thoughts currently running through his head. "Okay, maybe 'vacation' wasn't the best word choice, but it's on your list, regret number 40, 'Making a fool of myself as a mortal farmer'. So, speak to me, Ares. Why do your regret your time as a farmer?"
"Because I sucked at it, in front of everyone who mattered, Xena, Dite, all the gods on Olympus who were watching and laughing at how pathetic I was at a job even the most dimwitted mortal seemed to be able to figure out! And let's not forget that the work itself is tedious, physically exhausting, and you still end up poor no matter how good you get at it! The real question isn't why I regret making a fool of myself as a farmer, but how any sane person with a choice in the matter WOULDN'T regret becoming a farmer?! Okay, I know farm work needs to be done or the human race starves to death, but when I lost my godhood, I didn't loose my mastery of every weapon ever invented, my thousands of years of experience, or my killer instinct. There were a world of choices I could have made besides farming, and yet I let them pass me by because it's what Xena wanted. To this day I can't help but wonder if the idea to stash me on her grandparents' farm wasn't some sort of subtle revenge for all the crap I put her through as a god. Admittedly she had every right to said revenge, but on the other hand, she seemed to genuinely believe I could build a contented life as a farmer if I just gave it a chance," Ares ruminated, as he once again tried to piece together Xena's motives for convincing him to give farming a try once Gasgar and his men, the last of the warlords that had ever seen him in person, were monster food, but he quickly gave up and turned his attention back to Dr. Naadiah. He'd been at this same mental task for two thousand years and was no closer to unraveling his beloved's true intentions now than he'd been when it had all gone down.
"So, when you go back, what will you do differently?" Dr. Naadiah asked, folding her hands neatly on her desk, giving Ares the floor.
"Well Gasgar and his men still need to be dealt with, so the first part I guess I'll do the same, but this time I'll be able to show Xena and Blondie all I learned as a farmer the first time around. I'll fix the roof, chop wood for the fire, even kill the chicken for dinner the RIGHT way, so they won't have to teach me anything. Oh, and maybe I can make Xena an omelet for breakfast. Over the decades many, many women have told me I make fantastic omelets. If I remember correctly, there was a small patch of avronies.. like wild asparagus.. at the south west edge of the property. I'll say I'm taking a walk when Xena leaves to meet with Gasgar, snag a few stalks, and the next morning, a dash of olive oil, some chopped avronies, a little shredded cheese, maybe a pinch of garlic if I can figure out a way to mince it properly, and of course, some freshly baked bread to go with it.. and Xena will be so impressed with my cooking she won't ever want to hit the road," Ares plotted, making a mental note to bring Hestia some white roses for all those lessons she'd given him in secret since he'd had his godhood returned to him. Even if all he did was impress Xena with the recipes he'd refined over the centuries, maybe this could become a vacation.
Dr. Naadiah smiled, barely able to contain her amusement at the way Ares focused on that omelet like it was a battle plan. Still, she sensed her patient was stalling, whether he realized it or not, and she had to push him slightly or soon they'd be discussing how he was going to tackle the hash browns when potatoes were native to North America and he'd been mortal and living in Ancient Greece. "Maybe she won't, but assuming she does, what do you plan to do then?"
Ares thought for a moment before deciding to answer honestly. Dr. Naadiah deserved the truth, even if it wasn't exactly what she'd want to hear. "I'd go to
Cythera, where Dite's main temple was, see if I could convince her to give up her godhood to save her sanity. It's probably a long shot, but as I know what's going to happen to her, I have to at least try. She's my sister."
"If that's the path that you feel you need to take, that's the path you have to take," Dr. Naadiah stated noncommittally, giving no indication to how she felt about Ares insistence on merging two regrets. This laid back attitude surprised her patient. He'd assumed his scheme to get ahead of the situation and save Aphrodite before he'd even known he was in trouble would be a banned use of therapy. Indeed he still wasn't sure what his Doc's enigmatic response meant and decided to ask her to clarify her answer.
Unfortunately, at the precise moment that Ares felt the now commonplace chill of time travel, he blurted out. "So It's alright? You'll permit me go to Cythera after we get Gasgar and the rest off my back?"
"Once we get this bounty off your head you're free to go anywhere you want. Although you might decide to stick around. Country living.. there's nothing quite like it," Xena replied, her gorgeous blue eyes glazing over with nostalgia as they strolled down the road that Ares knew led to the run down shack her grandparents had once owned. Now it was hers, seeing as, with the exception of Eve, all of her blood relations were dead.
Ares considered that for a moment, along with the fact that they both held regrets over the parts they played in the deaths of certain family members. Xena's mother and older brother, along with his wife and kids, had been killed because she'd not been there to save them as a result of her decision to drink Celesta's tears and fake her death. His own conflicted loyalties and inability to effectively communicate with Athena had cost him several siblings, a cousin, and an uncle. The difference was that he now had a chance to alter some of their destinies on future regrets, leaving Ares to wonder why he'd been given that opportunity while Xena hadn't. Dr. Naadiah insisted it was the universe that made these decisions, but that still left the question of why him and not her.
"What's in Cythera?" Gabrielle queried, breaking Ares out of his musings.
Realizing he needed to come up with a snappy response that wouldn't raise any alarm bells in either woman, Ares dredged up the best reply he could. "Aphrodite is a who, not a what, Gabrielle, and while I may no longer be a god, if I were to get a job near her main temple in Cythera I could still keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't get into any.. too much.. trouble."
"Yeah 'too much' is likely the better way to go there," Gabrielle snorted, thinking about her bubbly, if trouble-prone, immortal friend.
"I didn't mean it as a joke. Dite's still mourning Hephaestus, and even gods make poor decisions when they're grieving. Heck, Athena wouldn't have come after you guys so hard if she hadn't recently lost Dad. I was just glad to be free of him and Mom once and for all," Ares admitted before realizing their lazy pace and his recent office time with Dr. Naadiah had left him a bit too talkative.
"Ares, they were your parents!" Gabrielle scolded, completely awestruck by how casually the former god talked about his mother and father's passing.
"Gabrielle, not every parent loves their child.. or even cares if they live or die. Trust me; I feel far, far safer this very moment as a mortal, with nearly every cut-throat in the known world wanting my head, then I ever did growing up with those two. But yeah, technically, they were my parents," Ares snapped with finality, not wanting to discuss Zeus and Hera with the blonde who might put his words into one of her scrolls and share his shitty childhood with generations to come.
Feeling the need to put some distance between himself and the battling bard, Ares picked up his pace, nearly running down the dirt road to Xena's family homestead. They weren't even at the farm and he was already messing things up. He had to focus or else he'd waste this chance at a do-over.
Eventually, he heard the blonde's feet rushing to catch up with him, obviously having dissected every syllable of his outburst with Xena before showing up to give her response. "I'm sorry, Ares. I didn't know you had such a difficult relationship with your parents. I shouldn't have said anything."
"Nah, it's fine. I was enjoying the walk, and seeing Xena again, and I let my mouth run a muck. I'll be more careful in the future," Ares replied, holding back a snigger at the word 'future', considering he'd already been on two regrets where he'd ended up dealing with her in two different lifetimes in a single day. 'Future' took on a whole new meaning in therapy.
"Hey, you're only human," Xena chimed in, having snuck up behind the two to hear the last part of Ares' explanation.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rub it in why don't you," Ares playfully groused with an eye roll. He'd forgotten how truly awful his warrior princess' sense of humor could be, but still he loved her bad jokes because she was there to tell them to him. They were a luxury he'd spent two thousand years without and the God of War was grateful to have them back in his life if only for these brief moments.
Another few minutes past and Ares realized that they were getting close to the farmhouse. Trying not to appear as if he knew where he was going, Ares looked up to glimpse what had been his home for the most miserable year of his life, only to view the outline of a woman standing outside, laden down with several overflowing, hand woven baskets. Whoever the woman was, she remained absolutely still, looking out over the land as if waiting for someone to arrive.
"Who is that?" Gabrielle asked with mere curiosity, but for Ares there was trepidation. The woman was about half a foot too tall to be Dr. Naadiah, or his soon-to-be neighbor, Greba, and if the God of War were being completely blunt, her silhouette was too curvy for either. Whoever this mystery woman was, she hadn't been at Xena's farmhouse the first time and that made the temporarily-mortal God of War weary.
"That's what I'd like to find out," Xena purred, and Ares could just tell she was as cautious as himself. This place was the seat of her best childhood memories and someone new appeared to be sitting in her chair, sleeping in her bed, and eating her porridge. Whoever this someone was, he hoped she knew whom she was dealing with.
On the other hand, watching Xena kick ass was always enjoyable, and he sped up his pace in order to not miss the show.
As they neared the farmhouse, the womanly figure came into full view, and Ares was overcome with a surge of bliss at her willingness to flout the opinion of everyone else back home and visit him in this wretched state. Running at full speed, Ares lifted her into his arms and spun her around like he'd occasionally done when they were kids, at least before she'd died in his original timelines. "Minthe! I can't believe it's you!"
"Well I was watching from Olympus and I heard Xena and her friend say that once they took care of the warlords who knew what you look like, nobody would come after you anymore, which meant you'd no longer be able to kill your attackers and sell their possessions. So, seeing as you'd be settling down for a few days in a place with a stove, I thought I'd stop by and teach you how to cook. That way you can stretch your dinars by preparing meals for yourself," Minthe explained, happy to finally be able to show off her skills to the former God of War.
All her life she'd been a minor goddess, and while she'd never had much to complain about, there was always a part of her that had wished for an opportunity to show the big timers, like her friends Aphrodite and Ares, that her abilities weren't just a hobby but a true godhood like their own. Now she was going to teach her old friend how to find edible wild roots, mushrooms, and vegetables and combine them with inexpensive staples to feed himself well on the least amount of dinars. It was a dream come true for the Goddess of Mint, a chance to finally justify her place in the universe, not just to Ares but to the gods that still watched them from on high.
Having not yet put the Goddess of Mint down, Ares slung her over his shoulder into a fireman's carry and made his way back to the love of his life and her irritating blonde soulmate. He had to admit it had been a lot easier performing the maneuver back when he was a twelve year old god, but hearing Minthe squeal like she used to when she and Aphrodite would take turns being swung and flipped around brought back some of the few happy memories he had from his childhood. "Well I'm glad you're here. Xena, Gabrielle, come meet…"
"Minthe. We met back in Pylos. It's nice to see you again," Xena supplied, cutting Ares off as she waved and nodded in greeting before pulling Gabrielle over to the porch to show her where she'd carved her initials as a girl.
Minthe smiled back and tapped Ares shoulder four times in quick succession to put her down so she could join the two women and ask them how long they thought it would take to get the small house fixed up enough that she could start her cooking lessons, or at the very least when it would be safe to put away the flour, beans, and other dry staples which were now just sitting out in the sun. If the cupboards weren't solid, the food would feed rats and other vermin instead of her dethroned friend, so she really needed to discuss the Warrior Princess' renovation plans.
Unfortunately for Minthe, mortal or not, Ares had decided to pretend not to remember their childhood signal for 'let me down' and just kept her over his shoulders as he followed behind Xena and her blonde friend. "When I was a god I couldn't fix this place."
"Ares, let me down!" Minthe whined, again reminding him of his youth and all the times where he chose to be an obnoxious, shit, tormenting his little sister and her friend. Maybe Xena's earlier nostalgia was catching.
"Love to, but I'm not hearing the magic words…" Ares needled as the goddess on his shoulders began to kick as if to use her momentum to dislodge herself. Even as a mortal, he was too strong for that to work, and she'd never been able to focus her powers well enough to use them offensively in such close proximity to another being. She needed at least a foot of space to hit him with a wave of godly power, so on his shoulders she was destined to stay until he got tired of the game or she said the words he wanted to hear.
"Ares, put her down before I make you put her down!" Xena ordered firmly, rolling her eyes at the former god's juvenile behavior.
Laughing out loud as he rolled the Goddess of Mint off of his back and onto her sandalled feet, Ares watched as Minthe adjusted her pale cream gown, then nudged him with her elbow and pointed at Xena. "How exactly did Xena learn Athena's magic words?"
At the sound of the deceased Goddess of Wisdom's name being used in such a playful tone, everyone's mirth quickly evaporated as they all remembered how they'd gotten here. Hoping to recapture the previous joviality, Ares motioned to Minthe like a master of ceremonies. "Ladies and Gentlemen.. and whatever Gabrielle is.. Minthe, daughter of Lachrymose, God of Despair!"
"Lachrymose is your father?! We met him once! I even wrote one of my best scrolls about that adventure," Gabrielle announced in pleasant surprise, chuckling at all she, Joxer, and eventually Xena had done just to make a god laugh. Joxer had really come through for then that time, and that scroll was one of her most cherished possessions.
"You got Argo shrunk down to the size of a goat!" Xena complained, giving Gabrielle a disapproving grimace.
"How many times do I have to say 'I'm sorry'?! The plaque dedicating the spring was covered in dirt and leaves! I had no idea I was using a god's sacred water to wash your horse!" Gabrielle wailed, hating how Xena could still throw this back in her face twenty-seven years later.
Hearing Gabrielle's pitiful wails of apology sent Ares into a laughing fit that forced him to grab his sides for support. The three women present all stared at the former god as he howled uncontrollably, but looking up at their confused faces only made his laughter return with renewed vigor. Ares had been apologizing to Xena for over two thousand years and he was still nowhere near being forgiven for half of what he'd done to her. Yet somehow, Gabrielle thought 27 years sufficient time to make the Warrior Princess forget about having her beloved steed shrunk to barely a third of its original size. Hera rarely held onto grudges for two thousand years, and she was remembered into the 21st century specifically for her ability to hold a grudge. Seriously, Blondie was barking up the wrong tree if she was looking for total absolution.
Unfortunately this bought of uncontrollable laughter had diverted everyone's attention, and Ares had no good explanation for what he'd found so hilarious. "Um, I was just thinking that from the way Gabrielle described it, it sounded like Xena was almost defeated by Lachrymose. Callisto, Athena, Zeus, all went down like punks, but Lachrymose.. Lachrymose, nearly proved more than the Warrior Princess could handle.. and.. you know, never mind. I just found it funny, is all."
Xena sniffed at the explanation, but accepted it just the same. Admittedly, it was kind of funny, though, in her opinion, not nearly as amusing as the former God of War apparently found it. Regardless, if they were to successfully convince all the scumbags that Ares was merely a simple farmer, they needed to get the placed fixed up. The roof was in desperate need of repairs, and the chimney was almost certainly packed tight. The dust was already nearly choking her, and they'd yet to take a rag to it. They had many hours of work ahead of them just to get things somewhat livable.
Then again, they had a goddess right there who might be able to cut down that list of chores if she used her powers to help them. Usually Xena didn't like asking gods for anything, particularly mundane things she could accomplish on her own. However, Minthe seemed amiable and she had come here with the express purpose of teaching Ares to feed himself properly. Perhaps if Xena kept her requests focused on the kitchen, the stove, and the fireplace she might get some magical assistance, especially if she presented the work as helping the Goddess of Mint get on with her lessons all that much faster. In Xena's experience, gods were far easier to manipulate when they thought helping you served their own interests. Deciding to introduce the idea in stages, Xena called back to where Gabrielle was chatting with Minthe. "Hey Gabrielle, come check out the fireplace!"
"On my way!" Gabrielle called back as she trotted after her soulmate, leaving the goddess and former god alone on the porch. To most, Xena's desire to show Gabrielle the fireplace would sound like an innocent invitation to another trip down memory lane, but a small inflection in the Warrior Princess' tone tipped Gabrielle off to the fact that the brunette was up to something and wanted to speak to her in private.
"Finally, the hearth! I was wondering when they were going to get to that. All this talk about carved initials and structural repairs, and they nearly forgot the hearth, the heart of a home.. at least for mortals anyway," Minthe added, reminded of the fact that the heart of their home was a golden throne that nobody had sat in since Athena was killed. It was the perfect symbol for how the world was changing.
"I always thought of the armory as the heart of a home, but what do I know?" Ares jested, earning a small punch to his right bicep.
Thoughts of the stove and fireplace brought him back to his previous plan to make Xena omelets with all his 21st century cooking skills, but looking down at Minthe's smiling face, he just didn't have the heart. As a mortal, his sense of empathy was in overdrive and he'd already figured out that Minthe was over the moon to be able to show off her own culinary abilities. Though Hestia might be upset with him for the death of so many of their family members, Ares knew she'd approve of Minthe's efforts, if only because the younger goddess would bring attention to the craft Hestia had spent thousands of years teaching her protege. The girl he'd grown up with had gotten so little recognition in her life, he'd have to be a real jerk to deny her now. Mortality really made him soft.
"Not enough about cooking, which is why I'm here. So, how about we join Xena and Gabrielle in clearing the flue," Minthe suggested, taking Ares forearm and pulling him towards the hovel's door.
"You do realize Xena wants to put your powers to work, don't you? Oh she's pretending its going to solely be a mortal undertaking, but I know her. She plans to rope you into her ill conceived plot to turn me into a farmer," Ares warned as they stopped at the threshold.
"Yes, Ares, I've figured that much out, but I don't mind. I know this mortal living stuff isn't easy and the way I see it, if I can take some of the work off of your shoulders, why not?" Minthe replied before dragging the former God of War inside and towards the 'heart of the home'.
Ares didn't know what to say to such a selfless offer on his behalf, but the level of gratitude he was infused with was staggering. He had no clue how he'd earned such consideration, but regardless, he wasn't going to waste it.