This is in honor of my favorite's show eighteenth birthday and the two women who made me fall in love with it (and them). This is supposed to play today (October 30th 2021) but I wrote this yesterday before Kristin's announcement, so the latest developments basically didn't happen in this story. You're welcome. Happy reading!
Can you believe it's been 18 years? Thinking of you. Xoxo
It's just a simple text message. Just a few words they had exchanged in a similar manner a hundred times over, in private as well as on social media to appease the fans. During the next twenty-four hours the internet would be flooded with words just like these, pictures of them at opening night and first curtain call, and Kristin would force herself to like and retweet them with tears in her eyes.
She should be used to this. It's been eighteen years after all, and this is by far not the most difficult anniversary she is forced to endure. No one expects her to host an entire show with Idina where she could only keep her hands to herself (for the most part) because she had the foresight of bringing her boyfriend. No one expects her to do a photoshoot with the woman she loves, who had just had a baby with her husband and showed her pictures of him during their break.
It's just a normal night, the reunion at the Tony's already safely behind her. And yet she is cowering on the kitchen floor, clinging onto her phone as her eyes seemed unable to tear themselves away from the screen.
It doesn't help that it's just before midnight, and the message had been sent bare seconds ago, which probably meant that Idina was still on her phone, maybe even still staring at the same message. It doesn't help that Josh was away for the weekend, leaving her alone in her apartment and even more prone to drowning in the silent loneliness. And it definitely doesn't help that she had two glasses of wine this evening in the hopes that it would make falling asleep easier.
For a second, three little dots appear on her screen, indicating that Idina is typing again, and Kristin's heart almost jumps out of her chest. But they vanish as soon as they had come, and Kristin can only wonder what Idina might have wanted to say before she decided against it.
There isn't much to say. There shouldn't be much to say; after all, eighteen years should be more than enough time to get over someone. Most of the time Kristin can pretend that she is, on good days even to herself. But she hasn't had a good day since singing with Idina at the Tony's, and in the vacancy of her apartment, there is no need to pretend otherwise.
Finally, Kristin is able to tear her eyes away from Idina's message, if only to the rest of their chat history. The last message had been from herself, after Idina had texted her out of the blue to ask for her address. It had been the day after their Tony performance and Kristin had fallen into full-blown panic mode, her imagination running wild as she pictured Idina in this very apartment as they did what there hadn't been enough time or privacy for the day before. After the Tony's had been over, she had been both relieved and devastated at the same time that unlike every other time they had seen each other, they had managed to stick to hugs and a kiss on the cheek only.
Against her better judgment, she had texted Idina back within the blink of an eye. Five minutes later she wanted to take the message back, two hours later she waited for her doorbell to finally ring and after twenty-four hours she had opened a bottle of wine, cursing herself for her stupidity and for acting like a horny teenager waiting for their forbidden rendezvous with the sexy bad boy who never showed up. What were you thinking, she had asked herself, while downing her second glass and pretending the salt on her lips stemmed from the can of pringles she had opened to have with it. Did you honestly believe that Idina would ditch Walker and her husband to drive half-way through the city just to hook up in the apartment you share with your boyfriend? They had done their fair share of crazy things, including one night in Idina's and Taye's bed back in the day which Kristin is absolutely not proud of, but that would have taken things a little too far.
Especially since their last kiss happened so long ago that Kristin has almost forgotten about it, backstage at the anniversary show for Wicked when her bottled-up emotions had run wild after For Good. Idina whispering I want to kiss you in her ear on stage did not help either. Kristin had done her best in trying to convince herself that she regretted it, but despite the amount of Ambien she had needed to fall asleep for days afterwards she never succeeded.
Three days after she had given Idina her address, she found a small package in her mail with no sender written on it. That hadn't stopped her from immediately recognizing Idina's handwriting though, but when she had opened it, all she found had been the sparkling emerald earrings she had worn at the Tony's.
A part of her wanted to scream and cry and dump them into the trash after getting her hopes up once again, scrambling for one more piece of Idina and only getting her earrings in return. Kristin could vaguely remember tweeting her about them, a weak substitute for the compliments she had not dared to give. Even though they were beautiful, she didn't really give a damn about them. She would certainly never wear them. But of course, she didn't throw them away – who could do such a thing to beautiful and expensive earrings after all – but they remained safely tucked behind a photo of them at opening night on her wall of memories.
Eighteen years between that picture and the jewels hidden behind them, and in many ways nothing had changed. When it comes to Idina, she is in her early thirties again, learning both how easy it is to fall in love with the wrong person and how difficult it is to fall out of love even if you know there will never be a chance.
She had tried doing that for years now. And maybe she even partly succeeded when she left Wicked, the hurt of Idina choosing Taye fresh in her mind. The new projects taking her out of town and not having to see Idina every day making it somewhat easier to forget about the way they ended. In that, Wicked becoming the success that it is now turned out to be both a blessing and a curse. If the show had closed at some point, no one would have given a damn about them originating the roles after a few years. But the longer it went on, the more it became the phenomenon it deserved to be and the more famous she and Idina became in the theatre world. People wanted to see them together, year after year. They wanted reunion shows and wanted them to talk about their relationship in interviews, wanted them to go on various shows together to raise money for the Actors Fund and go live together on Instagram.
In short, the show forces her to see Idina (because they can't dismiss all of those projects even though they do their best to avoid each other wherever possible) and every time she did see her, she was not only reminded of her love for her but fell in love all over again. Because Idina was beautiful and talented and kind and flirty and when they sang together, it was impossible not to feel the connection again. Maybe, if she could have had a sharp cut after she left the show, as many other couples going through a breakup got, she could have erased Idina from her heart.
But Kristin would never get that. All she would ever get were heartbreak, emerald earrings and text messages, year after year.
She takes a trembling breath before beginning to type. She tries several replies, all of them as stiff as the ones she would see if she scrolled up further to the years before. In the end, she deletes them all, Idina's message from ten minutes ago now accusingly staring at her.
Before she can think about it for too long, she presses on the little button to call Idina instead. It rings a few times and Kristin tries to prepare herself for hearing her voice again, but when it stops just after the third ring, Idina isn't on the other side of the line.
Kristin stares at the little screen, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat as the realization seeps in that Idina had declined her call. A new message pops up just as Kristin wants to throw her phone across the floor.
I can't. Sorry
There is no explanation, no 'Walker is sitting next to me' or 'I'm on vocal rest so why don't we text instead'. Maybe there is no explanation other than the fact that Idina is lying awake and struggling to fall asleep, too, knowing that hearing Kristin's voice would make the loneliness both better and worse. Or maybe there is no other explanation than Idina not being lonely at all, that man Kristin refuses to acknowledge as her husband lying right next to her.
Kristin closes her eyes. Eighteen years and barely anything had changed.
Oops that was an accident.. darned phones! Iknow! We are getting old xo
No matter how long Kristin stares at her screen, willing a new message to appear, Idina doesn't text her back.