As Seo-hyun and I waited outside Cadenza for our car to arrive, I felt a pit of anxiety begin to form in my stomach. Months ago, while I was having brunch with Seo-hyun, I began ruminating on how badly I wanted to experience fashion week in another country. We were both fashion lovers, so the conversation took a pleasant turn. Seo-hyun had been to New York Fashion Week on more than one occasion, her artistic mind inspired by the couture designs. I sat in awe as she explained in great detail her experiences throughout the years, sipping cocktails and cappuccinos at YSL and Chanel alike. I gawked at her stories like a child reading a fairy-tale, feeling a pang of jealousy at her every word.
"Why haven't you tried to go to any shows?" Seo-hyun had asked passively as she signed the cheque.
"Oh… I can never fit it into my schedule." I had lied through my teeth. "They usually fall around an important charity event; you know how it goes!" With a fake grin plastered on my face, it appeared that Seo-hyun had bought the fake story. I couldn't possibly admit that, at my age, I had a debilitating fear of flying.
A few weeks after that fateful brunch, it was my birthday. Seo-hyun and I had planned to go to the spa before any family festivities began. As we were soaking in a calming mud bath, I had felt a gentle tap on my shoulder, rousing me from my near slumber. Removing the cucumbers from my eyes, I had turned to find Seo-hyun standing above me with a pink giftbox in hand. "Happy birthday, Hee-soo!" She had said, helping me clean off the mud. Inside the box, folded precariously under layers of white tissue paper, sat a brilliant silk floral dress. I had pulled it out, holding it far away from my body so as to avoid the mud. Seo-hyun's eyes had lit up when she saw my eyes fill with grateful tears, and she nodded her head at the envelope at the bottom of the box. I had opened the card precariously and found two tickets to the upcoming Dior fashion show in Paris.
"Unnie… I can't possibly accept this…" My breath had hitched in my throat, a sudden wave of nausea displacing my gratitude.
Seo-hyun had placed a hand on my shoulder, smiling with her eyes. "Of course you can. You deserve it." She had looked at me sympathetically, her expression saying more than words could ever articulate.
The rest of the day had been a blur. I was equal parts overwhelmed, shocked, and elated. Seo-hyun had remembered something so personal to me, so special. But accepting the gift meant accepting that I would have to sit in a private jet for 11 hours. 11 hours. I had nightmares about plane crashes, oxygen shortages, and hostage situations for weeks following my birthday. But I refused to let my childish fear get the better of this opportunity, let alone indicate to Seo-hyun that her gesture was unappreciated.
"Are you okay?" Seo-hyun's voice snaps me out of my daydreams. "You've barely said a word this whole drive." She says as our car approaches the hangar.
It is impossible to lie to Seo-hyun. One look at her eyes and I lose all composure, her grounding force too intense to ignore. I evade looking at her by pretending to be interested in our surroundings. "Mhm, fine! Did they build a new hospital over there?" I point haphazardly to a hospital that's been here for years.
When I sneak a glance at Seo-hyun, she doesn't appear convinced. Her eyebrows are furrowed together, trying to read me. "It's not new." She says simply as the driver opens my door for me. "Tell me what's wrong."
Shrugging off her question, I busy myself with grabbing the suitcases and thanking the driver, my heartbeat incrementally picking up speed. I can feel Seo-hyun's gaze burning a hole in me, begging me to make eye contact with her so she knows that I'm indeed okay. But I resist, making small talk with the pilot and staff, shaking their hands and introducing myself slowly, trying to bide time.
Once we're escorted onto the jet, I feel a rush to my head and get dizzy, grabbing onto a seat for support. Seo-hyun's hand quickly reaches for the small of my back to steady me, her signature Burberry scent slightly helping to abate my nerves. Before Seo-hyun can pester me, I say, "It's probably just a lasting effect of the miscarriage." Her eyes widen in more concern, and I back away from her, settling into one of the massive leather seats that stands alone.
Seo-hyun stands over me, her dark eyes scanning mine for unspoken answers. I look away, training my eyes on the runway outside the window, mercifully praying that she'll back off her urges to look after me. Ever since my miscarriage, Seo-hyun has paid close attention to my mental and emotional state. I'm certain she partially blames the accident on her inability to protect me, but that couldn't be further from the truth. She's unspeakably hard on herself, and she wouldn't be able to forgive herself if I got hurt again. I won't allow myself to worry her over my stupid fears.
"Ladies, we are in for a long but relaxing flight." The pilot begins explaining as Seo-hyun finds a seat across from me. "Please don't hesitate to ask if you require anything from us. We'll be in Paris in the blink of an eye!" He returns to the cockpit as the doors close and the seatbelt symbol flashes.
As I click the strap around my waist, an immediately jolt of anxiety rises in my throat, and I have to inhale deeply in order to remain calm. The pilot calls out orders to his staff, and the sudden movement and voices startles me to the point where I have to stifle a whimper. The jet rumbles beneath us and I squeeze my eyes shut, my whole body tensing with the onslaught of emotions. I feel my hands trembling in my lap, and I can't get them to stop. The sounds of the jet register as harsh, loud metal clanging inside my head, and I can't help but bring my hands to my ears, terrified of the noise.
Suddenly, I feel a set of warm hands lay atop my own, softly pulling them away from my quivering frame. I clasp the hands greedily in mine, gravitating towards the stranger's scent. Burberry. When I open my eyes, I realize Seo-hyun is kneeling in front of me, her face contorted in concern for my state of disarray.
"I'm so sorry," I blurt out, tears springing down my cheeks. I pull away from Seo-hyun, ashamed of how I must look to the woman who always maintains her elegant composure. "I was just –"
"You're scared." Seo-hyun insists quietly. Her lips purse in anticipation of my omission, but I still can't bring myself to admit it. "Honey, the jet hasn't even moved."
I blink my eyes wide at her, my hands still shaking in my lap. Looking out the window, I notice we are still planted firmly on the runway. Shame consumes me, and I bring my hands to cover my face, humiliated by my overreaction. "Unnie, I didn't mean to ruin this."
Seo-hyun gives a little laugh before pulling my hands into her own, forcing me to look at her head-on for the first time all day. "You didn't ruin anything, sweetie." Her thumbs rub soothing circles into the backs of my hands. "Are you afraid of flying?" There is no judgement in her tone – only honesty.
I give a bashful nod before breaking eye contact again. Seo-hyun raises her thumb to my puffy eyes, wiping away my tears with thoughtful precision. I squeeze her hand in gratitude, unable to find the right words at the moment. "You should have told me, Hee-soo, honey."
"It's so stupid," I huff under my breath. "Ha-joon has flown all over the world and I can't even sit on a motionless jet." I slump into myself, defeated and exhausted.
Seo-hyun's hand moves to my chin, tilting my face to hers. She stares at me with melancholia, a mixture of sadness and vigor. "It's not stupid." She reassures me easily. "Anxiety is not something you can control, do you understand?"
For some reason, Seo-hyun's opinion matters most to me out of anyone I know. I nod at her, grateful for her compassion. "I wish I could go…"
Seo-hyun cuts me off abruptly, "We are going. I won't let you miss out on your dream. I'll be here for you the whole flight – whatever you need to feel supported." Her eyes radiate determination, and I know she always gets what she wants. In this case, she wants to sit front row at Dior with me – and she'll get just that.
We rearrange ourselves so that I'm sitting beside the window with Seo-hyun sitting next to me in the aisle seat. She requested blankets, pillows, and dim lighting for take-off so I would feel more relaxed, and the staff were more than happy to oblige. Seo-hyun wrapped a plush blanket around my shoulders, smoothing it down and coaxing some nerves out of me. "Are you ready?" She asks.
The engine starts whirring and I flinch out of my seat, a tremor already overwhelming my hands. "Unnie, I can't do it." I whimper, trying to inhale a shaky breath. "I can't breathe."
Without hesitation, Seo-hyun takes my hand in hers and places it on top of her beating heart. Holding it there, she says, "Breathe with me, Hee-soo. One breath in," And I inhale with her. "One breath out." I exhale. "Good, honey. You're doing good." I leave my hand on her chest until I feel my heartbeat slowly adopt its normal pace. She touches my cheek lovingly, a twinkle of encouragement lighting up her gaze.
"I'm sorry." I say once more, tired from the stress.
Seo-hyun pulls me into her chest, a firm arm wrapping around my shoulders, grounding me in her protective touch. She holds me steadily, rocking back and forth gently. "There is nothing to apologize for." She rubs my back slowly, "You're never alone while I'm here, Hee-soo." Seo-hyun plants a kiss on the top of my head, and I close my eyes, the sound of her heartbeat thudding in my ear.
"Thank you, Unnie."
Seo-hyun rests a hand in my hair, idly stroking my dark locks. Her tender ministrations begin to lull me into an unprecedented state of calm, and for the first time in hours, I feel safe in her arms.