"Good morning Alyuska! This is Alyuska Times morning news and I'm your host Emelyanov Smoke. Today we'll be asking the question; Is there Intelligent Life Among Us? And what we know about these strange worldwide sightings"
[Several images and police sketches appear on screen; All of them depicting blobs with faces or strange humanoids with strange heads]
"From Japan, Salvarrd, Koldtkors, The United States, Alyuska and many others, People from around the world have reported spotting or coming into contact with strange blob-shaped/humanoid creatures that have been reported as; Cute, Social, Shy and Intelligent. We'll be focusing on three notable encounters from Alyuskan Citizens that might leave you scratching your head and maybe leave you searching for these creatures yourself. Reporter Ian?"
[Cut to a young reporter in a dense forest somewhere. Behind him is a man in a tracksuit with a shotgun]
"Good Morning, Smoke! I'm here in Borealis Oblast in the forest where our witness claims to have survived a attack from a 'murder' of these strange creatures! Isn't that right, Boris?"
[He passes the microphone to man with many bite marks and scratches all over his body]
"Is Right! I was in forest at night doing the huntings when I see something in tree staring at me with red eye. Me being hunter, I knows there are predator who hide in tree, so I try to shoot it with shotgun. I miss and many other red eye look at me. It actually speak! it say "hunt mister munch-munch" and it let out scream that hurt ears. Before I know it, I was beings swarmed by blob creature with wing and hat!"
"How much swarmed you?"
"I could not counts, but I guess more than 10"
"10? How did you survive your encounter?"
"Well, blob creature swarm me and bite me many time! Dispite these creature being blob, they fast little bastards who bite like angry dog! I get shotgun and fire at swarm; Brown stuff blow out of creature and fall to ground. With loud bang, blob creatures fly away from me. I runs away and here I am now"
"Wow! That's fascinating, Boris! Tell me, what did these flying creatures look like?"
"They have bat wing, sharp fang, purple hair and have pink hat"
"Pink hat?"
"Yes, actual pink hat!"
"Well that's something. do you have anything to share with the audience?"
"Next time I see blob creature.." [Boris smirks and takes out a can of spray and a lighter from his pockets]
"Boris will turn into crisp!"
[Cut back to Smoke] "Good luck with that Boris. Now to the Anchorage Oblast where somebody claims to have captured one! Reporter Anderson?"
[Cut to a middle aged reporter inside of a apartment building. Behind her is a man holding a box]
"Hiya Smoke! Im here in Apartment building 12, Complex 30 where this gentleman says he has actually captured one inside this box! That so Mr Yomi?"
"Good Morning Mrs Anderson, and you are correct! Inside this box is the first one ever captured and shows on national television!"
"You sound mighty excited! How did ya manage to capture it? From what I've heard, these critters can be mighty smart sometimes"
"Well Mrs Anderson, I was asleep 2 days ago when I heard something literally break down my door! at first I thought I was being robbed, so I got my crowbar and flashlight and I silently got close to the intruders. I take small peek from the corner and there I see it; A whole bunch of this bouncing creatures raiding my kitche-"
"How did they smash open ya door?"
"Don't interrupt me Mrs Anderson. Anyways, Me being a scientist I thought capturing one of these creatures would allow me to do some experiments to see how these things work, so I set my flashlight to flash and I charge right into the kitchen! The things start screaming and scramble for the exit. Dispite their physique, they can be pretty fast when in danger. In their scramble, they seemingly left one behind; And that's the one in this box I have here. Now, it's been awhile since I've checked on it, but I'm sure it's still alive"
"Is there anything we all should know before you show us?"
"Ummm.. These creatures really like their hats. Alright Alyuska, time to see what these creatures look like in full daylight!"
[Mr Yomi opens the box and the camera points inside of it; Inside is a rotting ball of dough and a half eaten grape]
"Wait, Wha-"
"Uhh, Mr Yomi? What's wrong?"
[Mrs Anderson takes a look inside the box]
"Mr Yomi.. Are you sure you actually captured one of the creatures? All I see is a moldy bean bun and a grape.."
"Excuse me, I need a moment.."
[Mr Yomi puts the box down and walks away from camera. The man is defeated]
[Cut back to Smoke]
"I think that will be the last we will hear of the man for awhile; Don't you think? And for our last encounter, we actually have a man who claims to have footage of these creatures preparing for winter! Reporter Enya?"
[Cut to a cabin in the middle of nowhere; A cute reporter sits inside of a room full of all kinds of recording equipment and other gadgets. Next to him is a strange looking man with a twitchy eye]
"Uhh, Good morning Smoke! I'm here in a cabin somewhere in the Alyuskan-Canadian Border with a nutjob who says he has video footage of the weird things found all over the world. What do you have to say about it, bud-"
"I HAVE FOOTAGE OF DEM THINGS! DEY ARE SMART I TELL YOU; DEY KNOW SOMETHING IS WATCHING EM AND THEY KNOW HOW TO DISABLE CAMERAS! BUT IM SMARTER; I HID A CAMERA POINTED RIGHT AT THEIR CAMP!"
"Wait, They make camps?"
"DEY DO! DEY HAVE A WHOLE SYSTEM AND CIVILIZATION! DEY ARE SMARTER THAN YALL THINK!"
"Well, I highly doubt you in all regards but I if you show everybody this footage then I'll believe you. You actually have it, ri-"
"HERE IT IS!" [The strange man takes out a pink VHS with strange scribbling all over it. It's labeled "DOUGHEN"]
"What are Doughen?"
"WHA I CALL THE THINGS! DEY ARE MADE OF BREAD!"
"You belong in an mental hospital. Well, show us the tape and let's see what you recorded, old man"
[The man inserts the VHS and the camera points to a monitor: The footage starts off with a shot of somewhere in a dark snow-packed forest. The camera rotates to reveal multiple stairway-like entrances dug into the ground in a circle. In the center is a large metal pole with what appears to be a satellite dish]
"SEE DAT? ITS ONE OF DER CAMPS!"
"Huh.. Never seen anything like it before. But where are the supposed th-"
"YA WAIT AND SEE!"
[Nothing happens until a strange light is seen in the background: The light comes closer and 3 figures emerge from the darkness; 1 being a blue-haired humanoid carrying what appears to be scrap machinery, the other a yellow-haired humanoid with what appears to be a old toolbox and the other being a large pink-haired blob-like creature holding two baskets of what appears to be mushrooms and berries with its hair. They can be heard speaking in a strange, high-pitch language oddly similar to japanese. The blob-like creature hops its way to one of the entrances and leaves from sight. The other 2 work on the center structure when the yellow-haired one notices the camera; It yells at the blue-haired one while freaking out. The blue-haired one takes out a crowbar and smashes the camera, ending the VHS]
"WHAT DID I TELL YA? I AINT NO LIAR, BOY! NOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS WHAT DEY LOOKS LIKE!
AHAHAHAAHAHAH!"
"...Back to you, Smoke. My god.."
[Cut back to Smoke]
"..That was actual footage! Y-You could actually see what they looked like, folks! For the first time we now know what these things actually look like and so much more! This is history in the making and we here at Alyuska Times are the first to make it! Im not even sure what to say at this point-"
[Smoke looks to the side before turning back at the audience]
"It appears we have gotten news that the U.L.N. has set up a free phone-line to call for anybody who has information on these creatures and sightings. With what we saw today, i think they'll be swamped with calls from all over the world! Well, this has been Alyuska Times with a morning story that i think will remain in our minds for quite some time.. Next up; 'Trains across Japan vanish from thin air!' and 'Strange energy readings near Japan causes panic', after these messages"
[End Archive]