Amanda had to pee. Badly.
She crossed one leg over the other and gazed towards the bathroom, and then back at Olivia's desk between her own desk and the hallway. Olivia was working steadily, and from the looks of the amount of paperwork on her desk, she would be for a while. Fuck. Amanda uncrossed and recrossed her legs.
She had spent months trying to impress Olivia, or at the very least get her to stop treating her like some intern, but Olivia remained cold to her. Sometimes things were alright. Sometimes, like what happened a month ago, Olivia glared at Amanda when she got up from her desk, like Amanda was a disobedient child. Amanda had got up to go to the bathroom more than usual that afternoon; she had had a lot of coffee and, and each time Olivia seemed to stare at her as she got up and when she got back. For whatever reason, this had stuck with Amanda. and now she refused to leave her desk while Olivia was at hers, waiting to get up until Olivia was out. Today, however, was a slow day, and the whole squad was in the precinct catching up on paperwork. Olivia hadn't left her desk in four hours, and Amanda had had to pee for three of them.
Amanda crossed her legs again and bent forward. She hadn't had to go this bad since that time her flight kept the seatbelt sign on all the way across the country. That had ended in her peeing her pants in line for the bathroom at the terminal, and she did not want to have an "accident" in front of all of her coworkers. How much longer was Olivia going to be sitting there? Crossing her legs wasn't working, and she was too afraid to hold herself in the middle of the squadroom. She squeezed her legs together as tightly as possible.
"Amanda?"
She jerked her head up. Cragen was standing in front of her desk. "Yes Captain?"
"Listen this time Rollins. We have a new case. Fin and Amaro are heading out to meet the victim. I need you to help Benson get background info on the vic and his whole family. Move over to her desk."
"Yes Captain, sorry." Amanda moved her chair to Olivia's desk and focused her attention on her computer screen. She crossed her legs.
Olivia looked at her. "Are you okay Rollins?"
"What? Oh, yes, of course." She refused to make eye contact.
"You seem a little off."
"I'm fine, really." Amanda shifted in her seat and continued to stare only at the computer. She felt Olivia's eyes still on her.
"Are you sure?" Amanda nodded "Well, let's get started then." Olivia began typing and launched into an explanation of her strategy. Amanda nodded when it seemed appropriate, but moved back and forth in her seat, crossing and recrossing her legs. She knew she couldn't last much longer.
Suddenly, she felt like she was about to lose it. Her hand shot to her crotch and her legs squeezed around it. Olivia noticed the sudden movement and looked at Amanda with concern. Amanda blushed and quickly withdrew her hand.
"Amanda," Olivia said, "Do you need a break?" She spoke in her soft, kind voice that she used with victims. Amanda had never heard it directed at her before. She blushed harder and bounced her leg up and down
"I'm fine."
"Amanda, your leg is shaking. If you have to..."
"I don't. I'm fine."
Olivia sighed. "Okay then. Help me see if there's a pattern with these phone calls."
Amanda leaned closer to the screen, squeezing her legs together like her life depended on it. She wanted to cry. She was minutes away from peeing her pants in front of Olivia fucking Benson and her own anxiety prevented her from doing anything about it. Tears formed in her eyes. She couldn't read the screen.
"See anything?" Olivia asked. Not thinking, Amanda turned to look at her, and as her eyes met Olivia's she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "Honey! What's going on?" Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder and gave her a look filled with so much compassion that Amanda's heart felt like it would break. Why did it take this for Olivia to see her as a person?
Amanda let out a sob and put her hand between her legs again. "I'm trying to be a good detective, I know I can do it, let's just keep working," she said all in a rush.
"Amanda it's so obvious that you need to use the bathroom, just go."
Amanda sobbed harder. "But you'll think I'm not a good worker, you'll glare at me."
"What are you talking about?"
"You'll look at me funny like you always do!"
"Amanda, I was never consciously trying to glare at you, I promise I have no idea what you're talking about."
Amanda was bright red and every muscle was tensed as she tried to avoid peeing all over the floor. This was horrible; she was openly crying and holding herself in front of her personal hero, who definitely would hate her now, and she just had to pee so badly. Olivia was now gently rubbing her tensed knee.
Olivia took Amanda's free hand. "Honey, I have never doubted your dedication. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. Please just go to the bathroom Amanda."
Amanda didn't and couldn't move. After a moment she felt Olivia pull her hand up, and she attempted to stand up, still holding herself with her legs crossed. Without saying anything, Olivia put an arm around her shoulder and helped her down the hallway, stopping in front of the bathroom door. Amanda went straight in to the nearest stall, closed the door, and finally peed.
She sat on the toilet with her head in her hands. What had just happened? A nightmare. She had mostly made it on time, but she had leaked a little in the hallway, and now she was in a stall trying to tell if anyone would be able to tell that her panties were slightly wet. And she knew Olivia would be waiting for her outside.
After cleaning up the best she could, she left the stall and washed her hands, not looking at herself in the mirror. She took a breath and opened the door. As she expected, Olivia was there.
Amanda opened her mouth but before she could speak Olivia stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her in a hug. Amanda's heart pounded and her breath caught.
"Amanda, I'm so sorry," Olivia said. "I know you're embarrassed; we never have to talk about this again. And us, we can start over. I'll be more aware of the messages I'm sending you."
Amanda stood frozen, her heart about to leap out of her chest. "It... it's okay."
Olivia released her arms around her and wiped a tear off her face. Amanda attempted to clear her mind.
Olivia looked at her a moment longer, then turned. "Let's get back to work."
Amanda watched her leave, then followed.