Chapter XVI
They sat at one of the large tables next to the fireplace. They offered them something to eat, but they refused. They had recently stopped along the way to recharge their batteries before it snowed again.
-But, we will gladly accept a few jugs of your wine .. .- Tormund added, taking off his cloak and approaching the fire for a few seconds.
Sir Gerald nodded and left the great room to do his errand in the kitchens. There would still be someone left and if not, he would serve it himself. The newcomers deserved it.
Jon took off his cloak and sat next to his sister. Sandor stayed in front of him. It was such a strange situation for him that he did not know how to behave. Never in his life had he felt that he had to need anyone's approval to live his life. The demands of the northern nobles mattered very little to him, just as they did, and on that, both he and Sansa agreed. It was a mere procedure that had to be saved, so as not to endanger, her status as Queen in the North, but Jon was something else.
Besides, he knew him well ... that "suicidal" expedition that had led them to catch an undead so that everyone would believe them, had taught Sansa's brother, what his future "brother-in-law" was like. They couldn't be worse references.
One of the maids, still up, entered just then and left them a tray with two large jugs of wine and four glasses. Sansa returned one of them, and asked for some water.
Jon lowered his head.
- I still can't believe you're pregnant .- he said slowly, when the maid had already left. He tried not to make it sound like a reproach, but he couldn't.
Sandor went on the defensive, while Tormund filled the remaining glasses. He would undoubtedly have his own opinion of it all, but he kept it to himself. He knew that nobody cared.
Sansa looked at him determined.
- If I'm honest, neither do we. Sandor just nodded. It was a conversation that belonged to Sansa. He would only step in if he had no choice. Anyway, he instinctively he clenched his fists under the table.
- How could something like this happen? .- Jon asked them both. The astonishment did not leave his face.
Sansa looked at Sandor. She took a deep breath and as always when she had to defend her decisions, she stretched her back and raised her head from her.
- Sandor and I are united by something impossible to explain...- She looked her brother in the eye. ... but I can assure you that I could not be happy with anyone else ... we understand each other as no one can understand us ... and when he looked at it I only see what is under those wounds, and, without a doubt, it is what what do I want...
Tormund looked at Sandor tilting his head, making an effort to see what Sansa saw. In a few seconds he shook his head, and refilled his wine glass.
Meanwhile, the Queen in the North continued speaking.
- Jon... .- she took his hand. She licked her lips trying to find the words -... He tried to help me when nobody did, and believe it or not, he is one of the few people, outside of you, of my family, whom I have missed in all this that It has been my life since we parted ...- she took a deep breath. She didn't want to start to get excited. She wanted to maintain the dignity of a Queen, also in front of her brother, but she was being impossible. Ghost, perhaps sensing the situation Sansa was going through, got on the bench where she was and lay down next to her. Sansa couldn't help but smile.- I know we are destined to be together ... - she continued - ... despite everything Ramsay did to me and everything that is written in blood on Sandor's body, I am pregnant ... and I swear ... it's the most incredible thing I could ever imagine ... He leaned back and smiled -... Which by the way the lords of the north were very worried ... Much to his regret, .- he smiled when he said it and his smile had a lot of irony -... the Stark lineage will continue ... thanks to a Clegane ...
Her brother listened to her attentively. She took a sip from her glass and nodded. He turned to Sandor, taking note of what his sister had just said.
- Don't you mind that your son is Stark and not Clegane?
Sandor smiled and closed his eyes. His mouth curved slightly to the "good" side of him.
- I still have a hard time assimilating it ... but that my son is Stark is something that does not give or take away ... .- He took a deep breath - ... They may have forbidden me to enter the affairs of the kingdom, but since then I'll see to it that he knows what it's like to really live in this world ... A world full of murderers, where you kill or get killed ...
When he finished speaking, Jon and he locked eyes. Nobody said anything, until Sansa decided to change the direction of the conversation ... It was enough for today ... Jon seeing what Sandor meant to the people of Winterfell and his daily work, could help his doubts are dispelled.
- How is your life behind what remains of the Wall? .- She asked them interested. There was almost nothing left of the old Wall. The undead dragon had taken care of it, on its journey to Winterfell.
Tormund rested both forearms on the table holding his wine glass.
- Life is hard ... but it is what it has to be ...
- It's real ... it's a simple life- .. added Jon, looking away from Sandor -... no games of thrones ... just living day by day. We hunt, we feed ...
- We make love with great northern women ... - added Tormund, raising his voice and smiling, nudging Sandor - ... but never forget - his voice changed abruptly and became much more serious -... that from time to time some of us, we see shadows in the night ... although they may just be memories ...
- The people beyond the wall are still watching ... - Jon told them - ... never forget ... and now ... he finished his glass and went to Tormund.- Would you mind accompanying the Queen to her rooms ... I want to speak with Clegane ... .- he corrected himself - ... with Sandor ...
Sansa looked at Jon annoyed.
-It's not necessary, Jon.- she said to her brother standing up, visibly disagreeing with leaving them alone -... There is no honor to defend ... not anymore ...
Jon nodded.
- I know ... but let me do things as they should have been done ... This conversation should have been had by your father, my uncle, in another life ... - he looked into her eyes - ... for once let's do something normal ...
Clearly, it was clear that her motives were sincere. Their lives since the fateful day they left Winterfell with King Robert Baratheon had been anything but normal.
Sansa got up and slowly nodded. She gave her brother a kiss on the cheek and went to the living room door. Tormund drained her glass ... he had no intention of antagonizing his friend and almost his brother ... he would leave the Queen and then return.
As soon as he saw the door close, Jon began to speak.
- I am not a man who beats around the bush and less so at this point in my life ...- he said as he poured more wine into both of their glasses -... Nor am I the one to question my sister's decisions , but I need to know your version of the facts ...- she stared at him-. You are...
Sandor interrupted him.
- Yes I am-. he told her in a deep voice. It was not necessary to continue, it was very clear how she saw it. -... everything you think of me is true ... In my life there is only fire, blood, death, and cowardice ... and each and every one of my scars, which I know you find hard to look at ... How could it not be like that! ... I can't even look at them myself ...- he picked up the glass of wine and drank it in one gulp. Jon did not say anything waiting for him to continue -... but Sansa, despite seeing him ... knowing very well what I have been ... has given me the opportunity to leave everything behind ...
Jon shifted uncomfortably from the chair. He brought his hands to the fire. Ghost rested her head on his leg.
- I get it ... but ... damn it! apart from all that ... you're old for her ... -he shook his head energetically -... you're not an acceptable choice from any point of view I can imagine ...- he licked his lips , and inadvertently made a small dagger that he carried on his belt. He he glanced at it -... when I read the crow that Tyrion signed. The marriage, the pregnancy ... I thought I would come and kill you ...- Sandor lowered his head and said nothing- .. Everything that went through my head was black. I could only imagine something like Ramsey. I was unable to imagine, darling, love, tenderness ... in you! ... I couldn't ... but then I kept reading and that damn dwarf, .- hit the table with one of his fists- .. he just made defend yourself ... Defend your absolute devotion to Sansa ... and if I know something about him is that he does not lie, in something like this he would never lie ... He feels something very deep for my sister ... He respects her a lot ...
Sandor refilled his glass. From the moment Jon asked Tormund and Sansa to leave, he already knew that he was going to end up drunk ... Confronting who he had been, was what unhinged him the most, because he had no excuse ... no justification . That was his story. No more no less.
Jon leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms.
- I do not pretend to be the guardian of the honor of my Sansa ... she is older ... and she has already made it very clear what you are for her ... but I want to know what she is for a man like you ... and it is sincere , I can bear it ...
Sandor stroked his beard and turned his gaze to the fire in the hearth that was blazing hard.
- She is everything ...- he took a breath- .. I admit that at first in Landing she only seemed like a poor girl in a nest of snakes ... and I never thought it would last long. She was so innocent! ..- he lowered his head slightly- ... Right away I began to have contradictory thoughts towards her. On the one hand, it hurt me, the humiliations of the bastard of the boy king were unnecessary, and she endured them with a fortitude that I have not seen in real men ... but on the other hand, and as I grew older I realized that It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I wanted her with all my being ...
Jon snorted without concealment. Even Ghost got up. Sandor kept talking ...
- ... but at the same time I knew that I would never be able to touch her ... Not even the night of the sewage fire. Drunk and desperate I fled from the battle ... and went to her rooms ... - Jon's gaze said it all. Two knives were digging into Sandor. He shook his head-. When she arrived, I was lying on her bed ... and alone, I asked her to come with me ... to run away with me from all those who wanted to hurt her ... and when she refused, I asked her to sing to me a song... .- Sandor remembered that moment vividly, hearing Sansa's voice in his ear again until it made him cry ...- then I ran away leaving her there ... .- he put his hands to his forehead and lowered his head -... I've always thought that I should have taken her even though she didn't want to ...
Jon took a breath again. The expression on her face was hard ... there were still no concessions in her. He refilled both glasses of wine.
- Sansa has already said how she feels about you ... but even so it is very difficult for me to see what is under those scars ... - he took the glass but did not drink - ... although I also know that you never did I hurt Arya when she was in your power ... You took her to my brother, even if it was to ask for a ransom, and then you saved her from the red wedding and much more ...
- I understand you, but I can assure you that she would let me kill for her ... There is a connection that only she and I feel ... We both lost the ability to love ... and the ability to believe that someone could ever love us ...
- ... but Sansa is beautiful ...- said Jon without understanding Sandor's argument.
- Sansa has scars in some ways deeper than mine ... both outside and inside ... - he tried with all his might to make himself understood, even if his were not words - ... She was mortally wounded to life just like me ... and together we have not only recovered trust in another, but also the ability to love and the desire that we never thought we could awaken in anyone ... A love and a desire without interests ... only us ...
Jon put his hand to his mouth. He remained a few seconds watching it.
-It will cost me, Clegane ... it will cost me, I will not deny it ... .- he sighed. His face reflected the complexity of his emotions -... but I understand what you are saying, that you have found in each other the ability to trust and love again ...- he stared at the fire and at Sandor he seemed to see that a veil of cloudless sadness-... I still have not achieved it, I think I am empty inside.
Sandor nodded.
- That's how we felt ... she saved me and I saved her ...
Hearing him say that she couldn't help but nod. She slowly took the glass from her and with a nod from her invited him to do the same.
-So be it! ... You have all my respect, because you are old enough to need my blessings ... .- she said smiling -... Hearing you I only wish, that one day, I can say the same ...
... and Sandor somewhat relaxed for the first time all night, he clinked her glass with him, toasting that it was so.
Tormund carried out the order he had been given and accompanied Sansa. She this, apart from having left them alone, she was also somewhat nervous about something she had just heard.
- Really, are there shadows at night?
Tormund breathed out hard, his strong chest rising and falling. . He gripped her arm tightly as they walked through the shadows of the arcades of Winterfell's courtyard. It was a cold, very cold night. Ice was beginning to form in the basins where the horses drank ... but for both of them that was normal.
- My Queen ... The North is big and coarse, there are areas that cannot be covered even by us ... Areas where the cold is more than terrifying ... and there no one knows what can come to live and to die, if something is capable of doing it ...
Tormund noticed how Sansa trembled. He allowed himself to lightly caress her arm.
- Do not worry my lady, as we have said, the people of the North will always watch, and more so now that we are all united ...
Sansa slightly twisted her head and stopped walking, hearing him say that.
- And who runs them? she asked, interested.
Tormund smiled.
- No ... Don't go around ... Jon doesn't want to know anything about having power ...- he lowered his head and licked his lips -... A group of strong men makes sure that everything has order.
Sansa walked back down the hall, leaning on her huge companion.
-It is so unfair everything that has happened to him ... The real king ... the one who could unify the North and the South under his crown ...
Tormund cut her off, clicking his tongue.
-Something that I think you would not be very pleased ... .- he told her, taking some confidence from her ... Jon must have told him a lot about her.
Sansa smiled in amusement, feeling like an open book before that great man. She nodded.
-I recognize that he would be entitled to it, by birth and he should be the King in Landing ... but the North has to be governed from the North.
- You are absolutely right. -Tormund put her left hand to his heart-. The people of the North are free ... and that is the important thing ... .- they arrived at his Sansa's room -... Don't worry about Jon, he has everything he could wish for ...
She nodded. It was true that his situation had her somewhat worried. He had suffered too much.
- I can't help it ... It's all problems, the food ... keeping the heat up is getting harder every day.
- There is plenty of food there ...- he took out a huge and clearly very sharp knife- .. You just have to know how to hunt it ... and we are born knowing how to do it ...
He gently took Sansa's hand.
- Do not fear for your brother ... That is his town now ... and it may be difficult for him to leave the cold of his heart behind ... but .- he smiled mischievously and lowered the volume of his voice to tell him in confidence- ... There is an incredible woman who can do it. Her name is Sybil ... she is tough, she knows how to listen, and above all she is patient. Your brother looks for her ... he feels good about her ... but he has to lose his fear ...
Sansa took a deep breath upon hearing that. She pressed her lips together smiling and without thinking, she kissed Tormund on the cheek before entering her room.
That night she had two reasons to be happy ... There could be hope for Jon and beacuse since she had left the room, she had not heard screams, no noise of fighting ... and that was good...
Will continue...