It starts with a whisper.
"Yes or no?"
Kevin opens his eyes.
The world tilts a little and he's not where he's expecting to be. Namely, he's on the sofa and it's both too soft and too hard and it makes Kevin ache in weird places. Usually, he wakes up in his bed after a night at Eden's, but apparently tonight his so-called friends decided to drop him off at the nearest cushioned surface.
To be fair, Kevin is big and they're… not. He has often wondered how they manage to move him when he ends up losing consciousness for a bit.
Or, to be more accurate, shit-faced drunk and often passed out in his own vomit.
He hasn't been brave enough to ask. He knows Nicky might help if he's not too wasted himself, and Aaron might give a crap when he's in a good mood. But in reality, Kevin knows that it's Andrew and Neil who do all the work. Andrew's strong enough to carry Kevin's weight but the logistics of his size probably require Neil to pitch in too. Kevin has snaps of memories involving their voices, many insults and instructions, and more than a few bruises where they probably banged his body against door frames.
Tonight, though, Kevin had been more careful with his drinking. He'd stopped before his vision was completely blurry and he even had a glass of water between his sixth and seventh drink. He remembers walking out of the club himself, albeit not very straight, and getting into Andrew's car. But despite his restraint, five minutes into the ride he felt nausea start to rear its head in. If he were to throw up in Andrew's car he would never hear the end of it, so he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply for a few seconds to calm down.
He must have fallen asleep and he was clearly drunker than he had thought if they carried him all the way here without him waking up.
Kevin blinks with heavy lids and sees the bucket they had unceremoniously placed on the floor right underneath his face, but luckily the nausea is gone. His head still buzzes a little, though.
"Yes."
Kevin looks up without moving his head, remembering the question that woke him up just moments before.
His bedroom was much darker than this living room, so even with just the streetlights coming in through the windows, he's able to see…
What was he seeing?
The bedroom door is wide open and a bed is in immediate view. Neil's bed. And that's clearly Neil there. Andrew too.
It takes an embarrassingly long moment for Kevin to realize that Neil and Andrew aren't just having a chat or sharing a cigarette.
Sitting side by side, Andrew leans over Neil and kisses him, more gently and carefully than Kevin had ever seen Andrew do anything, ever. His hand curls up around the collar of Neil's shirt while Neil leaves his hands on the mattress next to his legs.
Kevin's heart starts hammering in his chest. He knows Andrew and Neil have a… whatever they have, but he had never seen them kiss. No one has, he thinks. In fact, this is the first time he sees either of them be openly affectionate with anyone. The foxes in general are not big on affection, and God knows he has his own issues too, but Neil and Andrew seemed to be on a league of their own. Kevin can tell Neil cares about others through certain actions and attitudes, but Andrew? Violent threats to whoever might hurt someone he's protecting is the only love language Kevin has seen him speak.
But now Kevin is watching as Andrew takes Neil in his hands as if he might die if he doesn't touch him. The kiss escalates quickly and Kevin is reminded of one of those romance movies Nicky likes, heads tilting from side to side, Andrew pulling Neil closer, tongues slinging against one another…
He imagines.
He can't see very well and he feels shame and heat pooling in his stomach when he realizes he wishes he was closer. How often did one get to see Andrew Minyard showing any kind of emotion? How often did one get to see the two more secretive people he knew completely unguarded? How often did one get to see the curve of Neil's neck as he kisses Andrew back or the gentle way in which Andrew slips his other hand under the hem of Neil's shirt?
Damn. This self-justification is getting away from him.
Kevin is fully awake now, no trace of drowsiness or tiredness in his body. He's alert and on edge, knowing he's watching something he shouldn't. The fact that the door is open it's just evidence that they think Kevin is passed out. Perhaps they even did it on purpose to hear if Kevin starts choking on his own vomit.
The thought is both depressing and slightly heartwarming.
His heart jumps when Andrew suddenly moves, and Kevin closes his eyes. He's breathing too fast to pass off as asleep, but maybe they can't notice from their position. He doesn't hear anything except some quiet shuffling, so after a few more seconds, he thinks it's safe to open his eyes again.
Even with the display he had witnessed before, he hadn't been prepared for this new sight.
Andrew's sitting on Neil's lap. Kevin has to stifle a surprised sound his throat was begging to make.
Andrew's back is to Kevin so he blocks most of Neil, except his dark, jeans-clad legs and his arms, which he still keeps firmly next to his body, hands on the mattress. Kevin would find it strange if he didn't know about Andrew's aversion to touch. It's interesting to see it play out in front of him, though.
It looks less like Neil has Andrew on his lap and more like Andrew has Neil trapped beneath him but either way it's alluring and Kevin can't seem to look away, his breath catching in his throat. It's not even particularly sexual, though, he can tell they're still kissing and Andrew's hand is still underneath Neil's shirt, roaming. Kevin has never seen Neil without a shirt on. He wonders if it'll come off.
Kevin closes his eyes again, but this time out of his own shame and guilt. He shouldn't want to see Neil shirtless if Neil clearly doesn't want anyone to do it. Anyone but Andrew. And it's not as if Kevin isn't curious, but he also thinks that there's nothing that could make Neil so unsightly that should be covered up. Neil's attractive, Kevin can admit that, and even after the events in Baltimore, his opinion hasn't changed. So yeah, Neil's torso is probably covered in scars (he and the other foxes once entertained the idea that he just had a really hideous tattoo; it was mostly a joke) but Kevin doesn't think that would turn a shirtless Neil into something he doesn't want to see.
He just had never realized how much he did want to see it.
He opens his eyes again, slowly, wondering which circle of hell he belongs to for knowing this is wrong and doing it anyway.
Neil still has his shirt on, and Kevin doesn't know if he should be glad or disappointed, but then it doesn't even matter because now Neil is trawling away from Andrew's face, kissing his jaw and then his neck and Kevin feels his stomach drop so fast it almost makes him dizzy because holy fuck Andrew is tilting his head to the right, giving Neil access and is arguably the hottest thing Kevin has seen.
There's no skin showing and they're barely moving, but the way Andrew offers himself so willingly to Neil makes Kevin's insides feel like a wildfire. He had never seen him so vulnerable and eager. And Neil goes for it equally as excited, kissing, nipping, licking, and shit, Kevin is definitely hard now, there's no denying it. He's glad for the tight pants he wore to the club which keep things from being too visible, though by now he thinks there's no way Neil and Andrew will pay attention to anything but each other. Neil is now facing Kevin after all, but his eyes are closed as he continues to taste the skin in front of him. Neil's hands remain down, but Kevin can see the tension there as they grip the edge of the mattress.
He wonders if he'd be able to do that. To keep his hands to himself even as someone sits on his lap, kissing and touching him. He's never had to and he imagines the temptation would be intense, but he thinks he could if he was asked.
As if in cue, Andrew grabs Neil's wrists. He brings Neil's hands up to his head. "Here," he says in a low voice and then slides them down to his shoulders. "And here."
A shiver goes down Kevin's spine as he sees Neil take advantage of the permission he's been given, burying his fingers in Andrew's light hair and then grabbing and squeezing Andrew's strong shoulders. Kevin has paid close attention to Andrew's arms for a long while, admiring how seemingly easy it is for Andrew to get such thick, shapely muscles. But now he thinks there might be something more to his attention than mere envy.
Neil and Andrew are kissing again and Kevin briefly wishes they were sideways so he could see them properly, but then the whole world stops.
And perhaps Kevin really is passed out somewhere and this is just a weird dream, because there is no way in hell his eyes are telling him the truth.
Andrew is moving down, kissing Neil's neck on his way but not stopping, not stopping, not stopping, until he's on his knees in between Neil's legs and fuck fuck fuck Kevin should look away now, should close his eyes, should make a noise or move so they're alerted and close the door or stop altogether but he can't. He's frozen and he can only see with his mouth hanging slightly open as Andrew undoes Neil's pants and lowers the zipper. The sound is too loud in the silence and it somehow makes this feel real.
Neil raises his hips off the bed briefly so Andrew can pull his pants, and presumably underwear too, down until the fabric is pooled around Neil's ankles, revealing Neil's strong, lean legs. Kevin's breathing is coming in fast and he hopes they can't hear him. He's nearly glad that Andrew is completely blocking all of Neil that might be on display, otherwise he doesn't know if he'd be able to keep himself together. His pants are uncomfortably tight and he'd give anything to just press his palm down on himself to get some relief.
Or, almost anything. He's not willing to give himself away and risk not watching this.
Andrew's head dips.
"Ahh…" Neil sighs, low and lustful and so sincere that Kevin has to bite his tongue to keep himself from making a similar sound. He had no idea Neil would even be capable of sounding like that and that Andrew of all people would be the one to make him do it.
Andrew looks up at Neil and reaches to put a finger on his mouth. "Quiet. You'll wake him."
"We could play an exy match next to his head and he wouldn't wake up," Neil answers in a whisper. It makes Kevin wonder if this has happened before, other times when he was actually out of it.
"Junkie," Andrew says before Neil kisses his finger and then wraps his lips around it. Kevin feels himself twitch at the sight.
Andrew seems affected too, as Kevin thinks he can hear him grunt before pulling his hand back and lowering his head back down.
Neil gasps, though, slightly more quietly now, and his hands move to Andrew's hair. He's looking down at Andrew with an expression Kevin had never seen on Neil's face and it not only makes Kevin harder but, somehow, also makes his chest hurt with an unidentified longing. Does he want Neil to look at him like that? Or does he want to look at Andrew like that?
Kevin's not making sense. He's still too drunk, he bets.
And so, the longest minutes of Kevin's life begin.
He watches avidly as Andrew's head bobs up and down, his hands moving from beneath Neil's shirt to Neil's thighs and back, switching between rough and delicate in a blink and Neil seems to enjoy both.
Kevin's heart is going faster than ever, both because of what he's watching and because of the fear of being caught. It would only take Neil an accidental glance around to lock eyes with Kevin and Kevin doesn't know what would happen then. Andrew might actually murder him.
But how can he not look when Neil throws his head back in bliss, his chest heaving, the long stretch of his neck exposed, his throat moving when he swallows… death might be worth it.
"Andrew…" Neil moans and it sounds like a warning and a promise and a prayer and Kevin can't take it, his chest is too tight, his mouth too dry, his hands too empty.
Neil's hands tighten around fistfuls of Andrew's hair and his hips buck slightly off the bed while Andrew holds him down, and Kevin can't see but he can imagine and he does, image after image flashing in his mind until he's unconsciously rocking his own hips in a futile search for friction as he brings his hand up to his mouth and bites down hard.
Neil moans again, low and deep, the sound embedding itself into Kevin's chest so he knows he'll remember it forever. And then, as if in slow motion, he brings his head forward, most likely to look down at Andrew, but there's a split second when his face is lined up with Kevin's, his blue eyes open and lips parted, and everything in Kevin's body screams in panic because he swears their gazes crossed.
Kevin shuts his eyes and drops his hand next to his face before freezing completely. He feels his heart beating on every inch of his body, but especially on the hardness between his legs. A drop of sweat runs down his neck and he's trying desperately to keep his breathing under control, but there's nothing else he can do at this point.
When he manages to make the blood rushing in his ears to subdue, he hears Neil's ragged breathing and nothing more. That must be good news.
"Are you okay?"
That's Andrew. Kevin's heart picks up again, and despite his fear, he can't help but notice the softness in his voice, the concern, the care.
"Yeah, I just… I thought I saw…" Neil is silent for a heartbeat. "Nothing. I'm amazing. You're amazing."
"Shut up."
Kevin can picture them kissing but he doesn't dare open his eyes yet. He waits a couple of seconds and then carefully peers through his lashes. Neil is leaned forward, Andrew's face in his hands as they kiss and Andrew draws circles with his thumb on Neil's knee. They look so casual, so normal, that Kevin can almost pretend they're anyone else and not Andrew and Neil. Because if they're anyone else, this is easy. He doesn't have to feel guilty, or confused, and this would just be an experience that caused a logical, physical reaction on him due to the sexual nature. It would have happened to anyone.
But they're not anyone. They're Andrew and Neil. And Kevin doesn't just have a hard-on. He's got something rumbling in his chest that he can't name.
They move and Kevin snaps his eyes shut again. There are steps and the door creaks.
"You think he'll be fine?"
Andrew. His voice is careful again. He doesn't speak like that around Kevin, but he is speaking about Kevin.
"If he hasn't thrown up yet I don't think he will. We'll hear him, anyway."
The door closes.
Kevin's whole body relaxes. He hadn't realized how much tension he was carrying until now.
He rolls onto his back and sighs, hands dragging down his face.
What the fuck just happened.
Before, he would have sworn that the idea of Neil and Andrew being intimate would be not only weird but also repulsive to him.
Now here he was, with his mind a jumble and his body ready to fight any rationalisation he might try to come up with.
Kevin pops the button of his pants open and snakes his hand in past the waistband of his boxers. He nearly weeps with relief.
It's too late and he's too messed up to keep thinking. He's ready to just feel.
He starts reliving every second of what had just happened. The sounds, the movements, the details. His mind helpfully inserts himself in the situation too, though he keeps switching perspectives, not sure if he wants to be in Neil's place or Andrew's. Which… is something that he'll unpack at a later time. A problem for another day.
He hears something through the closed door, a groan, the scuffle of clothes, something, and whatever it is, it's enough to send him over the edge approximately one minute after starting. How horrifyingly embarrassing.
As he lies there, spent and completely dazed, he has only two thoughts; he'd have to get up before them in the morning to clean up, and even worse than that, Kevin would now have to pretend.
Pretend he hadn't heard or seen anything. Pretend he didn't know what Andrew sounded like when he was turned on, or what Neil's face looked like when he came. Pretend he hadn't learned how they acted around one another and how different it was from anyone else.
Pretend he didn't want them to act like that around him, too.
Kevin closes his eyes once more that night. It takes him a while to shut off his brain, but when he does, he enjoys the dreams that come, where he doesn't have to pretend at all.