"So, basically what you're telling me is that Fin is the only one who isn't driving you crazy." Don Cragen grinned.
"Why do I get the feeling you're enjoying my pain just a little too much?" Olivia laughed, snuggling into his arms.
"Oh, I am, very much so. You and Elliot always had me in such a tizzy I didn't know which way was up. I just call this sweet karma." Don teased.
"Mean." Olivia stuck out her tongue, earning a playful spank to her bottom.
"Seriously, baby, it sounds like you're doing just fine. I'm so proud of my girl. I knew when I retired from SVU that I was leaving my squad in capable hands, and I was right." Don smiled, giving Olivia an affectionate kiss on her forehead.
"Daddy… can I ask you a weird question?" Olivia hesitated.
"Nothing is weird between us, baby, you know that. You can ask me anything." Don replied.
Olivia got up from the couch to retrieve her bag. When she returned, she was holding a familiar object in her hands.
"I'm actually surprised that old paddle is still in one piece after all these years." Don commented with a nostalgic smile. It was the paddle that he had used to keep his detectives in line all those years ago, and now Olivia used it to discipline her own detectives.
"After you retired, I thought about burning it, but it actually does come in handy once in a while, if for no other reason than for the sake of my own sanity." Olivia smiled.
"It's better than drinking. You said you had a question for me." Don reminded her kindly.
"Well… I had to use this on Thursday, on Amanda… and afterwards, I was looking at it and feeling… I guess 'homesick' is the best way to describe it? I know that's the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one. Don't get me wrong, I used to hate it when you had to punish me. But I miss the way I used to feel afterwards, when you would hug me and hold me. Like I had a totally clean slate, with everything forgiven. I love being the Captain of my own squad, but it's so much responsibility, and I know I've made so many mistakes."
"We all make mistakes, sweetheart. God knows I made plenty of them, I certainly wasn't a perfect Captain. But I think I understand what you're asking me. Go to the spare room and I'll be there in a few minutes. While you're waiting for me, I want you to think about the mistakes you think you've made and be ready to tell me what they are." Don instructed.
"Yes, sir." Olivia said obediently, visibly relieved that he seemed to understand what she needed without making her flat out ask for it.
Olivia got up from the couch and went to the familiar spare room, kicked off her shoes, and climbed up onto the bed to wait for him. When she was his detective all those years ago, whenever she needed to be paddled or caned at work, she was usually told to report to his apartment after work for a second dose of discipline. She wasn't just his naughty detective, she was his beloved daughter and he would deal with her as such; if she needed to be spanked at work, then she needed to be spanked at home, even if she didn't actually live there. Olivia glanced around the familiar room. It hadn't changed much; the walls had a fresh coat of paint, but everything else was the same, even the comforter was still in good shape since she hadn't slept here in years. She felt the familiar butterflies in her stomach as she looked down at the paddle in her hands and began to think through what she was going to tell him when he arrived.
Don walked into the spare room and was somewhat concerned to see Olivia sitting on the bed with tears streaming down her pretty face. He looked into her chocolate brown eyes and saw a tremendous amount of guilt - guilt that he suspected she had been carrying for years, and he instinctively knew that this was about more than just procrastinating on paperwork or butting heads with IAB. Don sat down next to her and took her hand in his, gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.
"What do you need to tell me, sweetheart?"
The whole story came tumbling out in a jumble of words, and by the time she was finished, one thing was perfectly clear: Olivia Benson had been haunted by Mike Dodds' death for far too long, unable to forgive herself for what she perceived was her fault. She wasn't necessarily asking to be taken in hand for her behavior, although that was certainly part of it. But even more so, she was asking for a cleansing of her soul so that she could finally forgive herself and let Mike Dodds rest in peace.
"Baby, none of that was your fault. Absolutely none of it, and I'm sure that Dodds fellow would agree with me."
"But we didn't search Munsen. That was my fault." Olivia insisted with a trembling lower lip.
"No, baby. You assumed that all of his weapons had already been confiscated, which was a reasonable assumption given the circumstances. How many close jobs have you handled throughout your career, hmm? Probably thousands. It sounds like this Munsen guy went off the deep end. It happens, men like that know they're losing their control and they end up hurting people. That's on Munsen, not on you. Now, should Dodds have been wearing a bullet-proof vest? Yes, absolutely, and you should have too, young lady, and we will be addressing that. But even that was not necessarily your fault. Like I said, you reasonably assumed that all of Munsen's weapons had been confiscated, all you went there to do was escort Lisa Munsen and her children out of the house, and thank God you got those kids out of the house before anything happened. And before you say it, that wasn't your fault either. It was better that they were outside with you rather than inside witnessing their father holding their mother at gunpoint."
Olivia quietly listened to his lecture. She knew that what he was saying was right, she just couldn't bring herself to acknowledge that she hadn't necessarily done anything wrong, except perhaps showing somewhat of a lack of good judgment in not wearing a bullet-proof vest. It wasn't that he didn't sympathize with her feelings; he understood the pressure and responsibility that came with being in charge. But he wouldn't allow her to beat herself up unnecessarily.
"Yes, sir." was the only thing Olivia could think of to say in that moment.
"Good girl. So now I'm going to help you be able to forgive yourself, and remind you to always wear your vest. Stand up, I'm sure you remember the drill."
She did indeed remember all too well. She stood up from the bed and hesitated for only a split second, gathering her courage before pulling her jeans and panties down to her knees and draping herself across his lap.
"Do you remember your rules or do we need to go over them?" Don asked, resting his hand on her bottom.
"No screaming, no kicking, no getting up, no reaching back." Olivia recited the rules she knew by heart even all these years later.
"Good girl. We're going to start with my hand and then move on to the paddle."
"Yes, sir." Olivia sniffled.
Olivia jumped in surprise at the tremendous sting of the first swat, quickly followed by another, and another, and another, each one just as painful as the last. They were both older than they were the last time Don had disciplined her in this room, but obviously he was still perfectly capable of setting her naughty bottom on fire. Olivia lay over his lap for several minutes feeling the sting of the spanking and thinking about his lecture. Tears filled her chocolate brown eyes and she finally started to cry.
"D-Daddy?" Olivia whimpered.
"Yes, baby?" Don continued to spank.
"It- ouch! It r-really w-wasn't my f-fault?" Olivia choked out.
"No, baby, it wasn't your fault. It was an unfortunate tragedy, but it wasn't your fault."
And with that, Olivia felt a weight being lifted off of her that she didn't even realize she had been carrying and she began to sob. Don spanked her for several minutes longer until he was satisfied with the cherry red color of her bottom. Then he paused and let her rest across his lap for a few minutes while he listened to her sob.
"Get up when you're ready and go to the corner, sweetheart." Don instructed.
Upon hearing his instruction, Olivia cried harder, but she didn't argue. Sitting in the corner on her spanked bottom was just part of the process. She indulged in her tears for a few minutes and then pushed herself up from his lap and walked to the corner, reluctantly planting her sore, red bottom on the hard wooden chair. She prayed that he wasn't going to make her stay here for very long. She knew that she still had a paddling coming and she just wanted to get it over with so that he would hold her. Less than five minutes later, she heard his voice releasing her from the corner.
"Come here, young lady." Don stood up from the bed and picked up the paddle.
Olivia jumped up from the chair and shuffled her way over to him.
"Now it's time to deal with your not wearing a bullet-proof vest when you really should have been, and we're going to address that with the paddle. Bend over."
"Y-yes, s-sir."
Olivia took a deep, shuddery breath and bent across the bed with a pillow under her hips elevating her spanked bottom. She often used the paddle to keep her detectives in check, but it had been years since she'd felt it on her own bottom and she was surprisingly nervous, although she knew full well that Don loved her and would never cause her serious harm. Olivia reached over and picked up a pillow to hold in her arms. She still remembered the consequences for reaching back to cover herself and that was the last thing she wanted.
"You don't have to count, I just want you to focus on thinking about your behavior."
"Daddy, I'm sorry." Olivia choked on a sob.
"You are already forgiven, baby. Just try to relax and cry as much as you want, it's almost over."
Olivia immediately burst into a fresh round of sobbing as the paddle crashed down on her bottom over and over and over again, clutching the pillow in her arms tightly. One of her legs bent slightly, but she immediately forced it back down and crossed her ankles to resist the urge to kick. She had forgotten just how much the paddle hurt.
"Daddy, no more! I'll wear a vest, I promise!" Olivia sobbed.
Don tried to ignore her cries of pain and focus on giving her a thorough paddling. He had never met this Mike Dodds that she spoke of, but he couldn't bear the thought of the same thing happening to her that had happened to him. Children were supposed to bury their parents, parents weren't supposed to bury their children, and if he could prevent such a tragedy from happening again, then it was worth giving her a sore bottom to sit on for a day or two. Olivia finally went limp across the bed, exhausted and sobbing hysterically, and Don immediately threw the paddle down as if it had burned him. He sat down next to her limp body and gently rubbed her back and stroked her hair.
"You're a good girl, baby. It's over, just cry it out."
Don sat on the bed with his back against the headboard and let Olivia snuggle into his side and sob on his shoulder, wrapped securely in his arms while he continued to rub her back and assure her that her punishment was over and that she was very dearly loved. She sobbed for quite a long time until she finally began to calm. She finally stopped crying, but she stayed snuggled in his arms and just let him continue to comfort her for a while. She was in charge of so many people, it was nice to be comforted for once rather than having to do the comforting. Don smiled at her as she drifted off to sleep in his arms. When he was certain she was asleep and wouldn't wake up, he carefully extracted her from his arms and laid her down on the bed to rest. He kissed her forehead and tip-toed out of the room to go order her favorite take-out to surprise her with when she woke up.