The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off on vacation somewhere. More madness from my tiny little brain.
A Weekend On Davenport Drive
"All right you lot," Mallory looked at Archer, Pam and Krieger in her office. "I've got an assignment for you three. And it's so simple even you idiots won't be able to screw it up."
"You would think that…" Archer began as he got a drink from the bar.
"Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "I'm assuming you are all aware of the name Marianne 'Mitzi' Davenport?"
Pam spoke up. "Isn't she that society heiress that was running around with that Wall Street broker who was not only running a Ponzi scheme Madoff would be proud of, but also trafficking cocaine in piñatas?"
"The very same," Mallory nodded. "It all started to go downhill when some of those piñatas showed up at a children's party. One to the daughter of a Federal agent. And another to the son of a judge."
"Yeah that would do it," Krieger nodded.
"You are also probably aware that Robert Dukes the Fifth has skipped bail and fled the country," Mallory went on. "The Feds suspect that Davenport may secretly still be in contact with Dukes. But they have no proof."
"So where do we come in?" Pam asked.
Mallory explained. "Your assignment is to go to Davenport's house in the Hamptons and not only look for clues, you are to plant bugs all over the house."
"Don't you need a warrant for that?" Archer asked.
"Don't you think you're channeling Lana right now?" Mallory snapped.
"Right, what was I thinking?" Archer admitted before taking a drink.
"Davenport is in Miami for the weekend at a friend's fashion show slash charity event slash gay wedding slash protest…" Mallory explained as she handed some dossiers to everyone. "Apparently fashion shows have to be more than one thing now. Anyway, this weekend is the perfect opportunity to get in there unnoticed."
"Davenport Drive. Oooh, fancy!" Pam whistled at the picture of the mansion. "That looks like Alexis Carrington's beach house!"
"Actually, I know for a fact that house was once pictured in an episode of Falcon Crest," Mallory shrugged. "Your cover is that you are installing a new security system. Not that you will need it much, even the servants aren't there. Apparently, most of them quit and the few that remained stay at her main mansion."
"Then how do we get in?" Archer asked. He had thrown his dossier over his shoulder. "It's obviously a gated community."
"If you'd bothered to glance at your dossier before you tossed it to the floor like your dirty underwear," Mallory glared at him. "You'd know that you have been provided temporary pass keys for admittance."
"Wouldn't it be funny if that Dukes guy was hiding in that mansion all along?" Pam asked. "Like in that movie. You know? The South Korean one that won the Oscar for best picture."
"Parasite," Krieger told her.
"She's asking the name of a movie Krieger," Archer scoffed. "No need to insult her."
"Parasite is the name of the movie!" Krieger told him.
"Hang on," Archer did a double take. "A foreign movie won Best Picture? That's allowed now?"
"You really missed a lot when you were in the coma," Krieger told him.
"Just don't miss this opportunity for The Agency to get in good with the Feds and increase our ratings!" Mallory snapped. "There are still people over there who hold a grudge over past incidents."
"You mean like the time Archer accidentally killed that one witness against the mob?" Pam suggested. "That we were supposed to watch. But Archer totally botched?"
"Hey!" Archer snapped. "It's not my fault the guy died because of alcohol poisoning!"
"You're the one who supplied the alcohol!" Mallory snapped. "And made the poor sap drink it! When he never had anything stronger than decaf tea!"
"I was bored and wanted a drinking buddy!" Archer protested. "It's not my fault he had weak genes! I mean what kind of mobster doesn't drink?"
"Arnold Rothstein," Mallory looked at him. "We're getting off topic. This is a chance for us to impress the Feds for a change! And make up for past mistakes."
"Like the other guy we killed…" Pam added.
"That one wasn't me!" Archer snapped. "That was Krieger who accidentally electrocuted the guy!"
"I was so sure the electric pickle would be a great weapon," Krieger sighed. "I so wanted it to work."
"Well technically it did," Archer admitted.
"Not that guy," Pam told them. "The other-other guy! The one Archer ran over."
"Okay technically that was me," Archer asked. "But only because I couldn't figure out reverse on one of those stupid European electric cars!"
"You're going to have to figure out a new place to work if you screw this up!" Mallory shouted.
"You say that all the time," Archer told his mother. "It never happens."
"One day it might," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "It's nice to dream."
Later that day in the Hamptons…
"Wow!" Pam whistled as she looked out of the van at the mansion before them. "This place makes Barbie's Dream House look like a dump!"
Krieger was driving the van which had been made up to look like a professional security system van. The words KRIEGER CODE SECURITY SYSTEMS were on the side along with an image of Piggly with lots of green letters inside the body. They were all wearing blue uniform like jumpsuits.
"Are you sure you can bug the place Krieger?" Pam asked.
"Please," Krieger waved. "Compared to Tunt Manor this will be a piece of cake. Which is funny because I could go for pie right now."
"Me too," Pam nodded as the van parked in the driveway.
"Oh, wait a second," Archer realized something. "Hang on."
Archer went into the back of the van and knocked on a large box. "Carol! We're here!"
"Finally!" Cheryl popped out of the box. "Took you long enough."
"Why did you smuggle her in the box?" Pam asked. "I mean nobody here has a problem with her coming along as long as she doesn't burn the place to the ground. And nobody is supposed to know we're here in the first place."
"It was her idea," Archer told them.
"Since we've rebooted to the original series I had to stay true to that particular running gag," Cheryl said as she got out.
"Of course," Pam sighed.
"Come on guys let's go!" Archer told them.
"You're really excited to get to work today Archer," Krieger said as he got some equipment.
"I'm not," Archer told him. "I just want to see what drinks are in the bar inside. I grabbed an empty flask by mistake before we left."
"You spent the entire drive sober?" Pam asked.
"Sober-ish," Archer admitted. "I had some Irish Cream and Kalua flavored gummy bears that I keep for emergencies. I tell you though, I had no idea how much work it takes to keep on top of everything in my life."
"Especially since you don't have a valet anymore," Krieger added.
"Eh, servants are more trouble than they're worth," Cheryl waved. "Don't get me wrong, it's fun to order them to do things. Humiliate them and make their lives miserable. But you always have to worry about if they're going to steal from you. Or murder you. Or rat you out to your parents."
"Aren't you going to carry anything?" Pam asked Archer as she picked up a box full of tools.
"I'm supervising," Archer smirked. "Besides I'm injured. I have a cane."
"Don't pull that bullshit on me!" Pam dumped the box full of tools into his arms. "I'm not Lana. Or Cyril."
"Damn it," Archer groaned. "What the hell is in this box? Gold bullion?"
"If I had gold bullion lying around you think I'd be working on a weekend?" Krieger asked as he picked the lock. "And not buying tickets to the next Rush concert?"
"Rush is still touring?" Archer blinked.
They went inside the tastefully decorated mansion. "Swanky…" Pam whistled. "Pretty classy."
"Eckh," Cheryl made a sound of disapproval. "It looks boring. Where are the stuffed animals? The weapons on the walls? The bloodstains of former servants?"
"Where's the bar?" Archer asked as he put down the tools. "That's what I want to know!"
"Is your bar radar off today?" Pam asked cheekily.
"Apparently," Archer looked around. "Oh no wait, there it goes. I just had to get acclimated to my surroundings." He went into another room.
"I wonder what I can set on fire?" Cheryl looked around.
"No fires!" Pam said. "The point is for us to set up the surveillance equipment and have the target not find out about it!"
"Fine I'll just steal something," Cheryl waved. "If I can find something that's not completely boring."
"Take some silverware," Krieger suggested.
"Ooh! I wonder what kind of knives she has?" Cheryl's eyes lit up.
"Found it!" Archer called out. "Boy it was all the way back here. No wonder I didn't sense it right away."
"I could use a drink," Pam shrugged.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"Yeah let's get wasted while we work!" Cheryl agreed as they went into the next room.
"Just like the good old days," Pam snickered.
Inside was a huge elegant living room. The bar was way in the back. "There's some really good drinks in here," Archer perused the bar. "Hey! She's got a couple bottles of Double Eagle in here!"
"Ooh I always wanted to try that," Pam's eyes lit up. "Come on share the wealth Captain Thigh!"
Archer paused. "Ehhh, you could do better." He poured a few glasses.
"Yeah, I'm off my game a bit," Pam admitted as she took a glass and drank it. "Whooo! That's good shit!"
"Let me taste," Krieger did so. "Ya! That's good!"
"Check it out," Cheryl had turned on the TV. "This bitch has gotten Net Dizzy Plus Ultra!"
"What's that?" Archer asked.
"New streaming service," Pam told him.
"Like Netflix?" Archer asked.
"It's comparable," Pam shrugged. "Hey I just realized! The new TV series Wandering Ultimate Heroes just dropped today! All ten episodes!"
"Oh yeah," Archer realized. "That's based on the Ultimate Heroes movies isn't it? Those used to be pretty cool."
"You missed like about five of those movies in the series while you were in a coma," Krieger told him.
"No, I got caught up," Archer told him before having a drink. "I watched them in my new office. It's got great wi-fi."
"Say you want to…?" Cheryl began.
"Drink scotch and binge watch Wandering Ultimate Heroes? Hell yeah!" Pam finished the sentence.
"Oh," Cheryl paused. "I was going to say trash the living room and rip up all the pillows. But yeah. That works too."
"Well I guess a few episodes can't hurt," Krieger admitted. "As long as we don't leave any evidence we were here."
"All we're going to do is drink and watch TV," Pam said. "It's just a couple of hours. It'll be fine."
Almost 11 hours later…
The gang was sitting on the enormous couch, surrounded by empty scotch bottles and lot of pizza boxes. There were pizza stains on the couch, floor and walls. "Wow," Archer admitted. "That was a good show. Too bad it was just a one shot and there won't be a second season."
"I know," A young man with long black hair half hidden by a denim cap, wearing jeans and a red jacket remarked as he drank some scotch out of a bottle and ate some pizza. "Good special effects too."
"Who the hell are you?" Archer did a double take.
"I'm the pizza guy," The man said. "You invited me in hours ago."
"Oh right," Archer remembered. "Right before we had the pizza fight."
"Oh, that's where we got all the pizza," Cheryl looked around. "Did we order this much?"
"No," The pizza guy shrugged. "You guys just took it out of my van."
"Oh," Pam winced. "Sorry dude."
"No biggie. Honestly, I was probably about to be fired anyway," The pizza guy shrugged. "This isn't the first time I've been invited into a house to eat and drink with the customers. Unfortunately, those porn movies are way off."
"Not exactly that many lonely desperate hot housewives willing to have sex for pizza huh?" Pam asked.
"More like lonely desperate divorced guys crying about their failed marriages," The pizza guy told them. "Not really much of a turn on. One time when I was first starting out, I was kind of kidnapped by this office who refused to pay for their pizzas."
"Kind of kidnapped?" Pam asked.
"Honestly, I'm pretty sure I could have just walked out of there if I felt like it," The pizza guy admitted. "But I didn't feel like going back to work. And being kidnapped turned out to be a pretty good excuse."
"Usually is," Cheryl nodded as she took a drink from a bottle.
The pizza guy looked around. "This place rocks though. Good drinks. And the bathrooms here are sick. Are those toilets made of gold?"
"Apparently," Krieger shrugged. "Or at the very least gold plated."
"Hey shitting in a gold toilet is one of the things on my bucket list," Pam told them. "Or at least it was."
"Well that explains the smell," Archer sighed. "Well uh…"
"Dave," The pizza guy said.
"Dave," Archer said. "Are you gonna go or…?"
"Eh I'm kind of buzzed," Dave admitted. "Don't think that it's a good idea to drive."
"Right," Archer nodded. "Safety first."
"I think it's time for me to do something different with my life," Dave admitted.
"Like what?" Krieger asked.
"Like work for a different food delivery company," Dave told him. "I hear Food Runners gives their delivery guys perks like coupons and stuff. And you go to better houses."
"Live your dream, Dave," Archer snorted as he drank. "Live your dream."
"This is the nicest house I've ever been in," Dave said. "Is it yours Archer?"
"Oh god no," Cheryl laughed. "We're just illegally installing some wiretaps while the owner is away."
"Carol!" Archer barked.
Pam added. "It's okay. We work for a spy agency and the owner's a bad guy. Well bad woman."
"PAM!" Archer shouted.
"What?" Pam asked.
"So, none of you people own this house?" Dave asked. "And you're just watching free tv in here? And drinking her booze?"
"Pretty much," Archer sighed. "Look she won't be back until Monday so I'd appreciate it Dave if you didn't say anything to anyone. I mean it."
"Oh no problem dude," Dave waved. "My lips are sealed."
"Good because if you blab about what we're doing here, they will be…" Archer told him. "Literally. Carol here has enough glue to do it."
"Hey man I'm cool," Dave remarked. "I think I will take a dump in that gold toilet!" He got up to go to the bathroom.
"I like Dave," Pam remarked.
"You like…" Archer paused. "Pick a name in the phone book."
"Well it better not be my hometown's phone book," Pam said. "Lot of judgmental bitches there."
"Sounds like my high school," Cheryl scoffed. "Muffy Vanderburgh."
"Who?" Krieger asked.
"One of my best friends in high school," Cheryl explained. "Muffy and I met in a dance class when we were kids. We were also in a lot of other classes. Riding class. Penmanship class. Calligraphy class. That mandatory fire safety class that stupid judge sentenced us too. The safe driving class that other stupid judge made us go to."
"I can see why you two would hit it off," Archer remarked.
"Muffy made everything fun," Cheryl said. "We were practically inseparable. Well except for that one summer her parents sent her to Fat Camp. Didn't work. Muffy was a fun rich blonde but she could eat air and put on weight."
"Really?" Krieger realized something. "So, your best friend was blonde and overweight…?"
"And a slut," Cheryl added. "She would do it with anyone and anything."
Archer and Krieger looked at each other. "Really?" Archer asked.
"Interesting," Krieger remarked.
"Sounds like a fun gal," Pam asked. "Whatever happened to her?"
"Remember that driving safety class I mentioned?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah," Pam nodded.
"She should have paid more attention to parts of it," Cheryl added. "Like the part about not eating while driving and the other part about not parking on train tracks."
"Yikes!" Archer winced.
"I know," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I barely got out of the car myself before it got smashed! I told her to look out and move! Not my fault she insisted on grabbing that box of curly fries that was stuck below the seat."
"Damn things are pretty addictive," Pam nodded.
"It was a nice funeral though," Cheryl added. "Well what I saw of it. I snuck out during the middle to go to her house and steal her jewelry. What? She didn't need them anymore! And they looked better on me!"
Krieger waited a beat. "I feel like we should be doing something right now. Should we be doing something right now?"
"We're supposed to install the surveillance equipment," Pam reminded him. Then looked around. "And probably clean up this place."
"What's the rush?" Archer asked as he poured himself another drink. "I mean we have all weekend, right?"
"I mean as long as we get it done before Sunday…" Pam rationalized.
"You want to illegally squat in some rich bitch's house?" Cheryl asked. "I'm in!"
"It's not like we haven't done it before," Krieger nodded.
Dave walked in. "I just crossed one thing off my bucket list that I didn't know I needed!"
"Cool," Pam nodded. "I guess you'd be heading off huh Dave?"
"Well I'm still pretty buzzed," Dave said. "Mind if I call a friend of mine to pick me up? I can wait here."
"Eh can't you just wait outside?" Archer looked at him.
"My friend works for a Chinese take out place," Dave said.
"I could eat," Pam grinned.
"Shock," Archer groaned. "Still…"
"And this take out place sells bottles of wines," Dave added.
"Why didn't you lead with that?" Archer asked. "Call him. And put in an order of twelve bottles of wine. And some General Tso's chicken. Guys what do you want to eat and drink?"
"Just two orders of everything should be good enough," Pam rolled her eyes. "Including the wines. Hey I saw a pool table downstairs in the basement when I was snooping through the house a little. Anybody want to play?"
"I'll play a few rounds while I wait," Dave said as he took out his phone.
"Eh why not?" Archer shrugged.
Later…
"You brought five guys here to pick you up and drop off our order?" Archer asked. Five well dressed young men had arrived and were putting down cartons of takeout.
"It was a big order," Dave said. "Say can Tom here use your bathroom for a minute?"
"I really have to go dude," Tom, a young mocha skinned man with fashionable casual clothes spoke up. "And I always wanted to take a dump on a gold toilet."
"Why not?" Pam shrugged as she pointed. "John's down there, dude."
"Thanks!" Tom went off.
"You know these guys might as well go to," Dave pointed to his friends who were all wearing nice clothes.
"Why are you all dressed up?" Archer asked.
"What? You want us delivering food like slobs?" One of Dave's friends asked.
"Good point," Archer nodded.
"Hey let's play some more pool while we're waiting for the guys?" Dave suggested. "One more round?"
"Fine," Archer grumbled. "But only because I want to win back my twenty bucks!"
"Me too," Pam agreed.
A short time later…
"God damn it," Archer grumbled as he handed twenty more bucks to Dave.
"Pleasure doing business with you," Dave grinned.
"Bad news," Tom said as he walked up to them. "You'll never believe it. Our van battery ran out."
"Oh man," Dave said. "That is bad luck."
"But the good news is that I called my buddy Chet who works for this chicken wings company," Tom said. "He can come pick us up if there's an order."
"What's the number?" Pam took out her phone.
"I've got it," Tom took out his phone. "Just tell me what you want."
"Whatever they have times three," Pam said.
"Cool," Tom nodded. "I'll make the call. But it's going to be a while."
"Want to play more pool?" Dave asked.
"Yes!" Archer fumed. "And this time I'm going to win!"
Later…
"Damn it," Archer handed twenty more bucks to Dave.
Three well dressed young women walked in. "Cool pool room, Dave!"
"Hey Samantha, Mindy, Katie!" Dave waved. "Good to see you made it!"
"Wait, they deliver chicken wings?" Pam asked.
"No, the wings didn't come yet," Tom walked in. "But these are friends of ours."
"We were just driving around and our gas just ran out," A tall blonde said. "Craziest thing. Can we stay here until we call a cab?"
"I got a better idea," Dave spoke up. "Why don't we call Chuck. He'll pick you up."
"Pick Up Chuck," Pam snickered as she drank some scotch out of a bottle. "Get it?"
"Uh huh," Cheryl remarked. She made a small smirk and took a drink out of a bottle. "I think I'm gonna go upstairs. I'm bored and you won't let me set fires." She left the room.
"I'd better watch her," Krieger sighed as he went up. Tom directed the ladies to go with him.
"One more game of pool?" Dave asked.
"Yeah, I want to see you beat Archer's ass again," Pam remarked.
"Hey! Those were flukes!" Archer snapped. "And he beat you once too!"
"Beginner's luck," Pam waved.
"Prove it!" Dave challenged.
"Yeah let's see you beat him," Archer challenged.
"Challenge accepted!" Pam threw down her empty bottle after she finished it in one swig. "I'll rip your ass a new one. Figuratively."
Later…
"God damn it," Pam grumbled as she gave Dave twenty dollars.
"Nice doing business with you," Dave grinned.
Archer then noticed something. "Do you guys hear music?"
"Yeah and it's pretty loud," Pam said.
"Must be the TV," Dave said quickly. "You guys keep playing pool. I'll tell them to keep it down." He left the room.
Pam waited a second. "That doesn't sound like the TV to me."
"Are you sure?" Archer asked. "It has a killer stereo system."
"Come on," Pam waved. Archer reluctantly followed.
What they found when they emerged from the basement was that the house was full of young people they didn't know. The music was playing loudly and there was a party in full swing.
"Son of a bitch…" Pam realized what was going on.
"I think I just figured out the real reason why Dave can't hold a job," Archer blinked.
"Archer!" Pam snapped. "We're supposed to be on a secret mission here and now this house is full of people!"
"What are we going to do Pam?" Archer looked at her. "Call the cops?"
"Right," Pam realized. "That would backfire on us big time."
"You think?" Archer groaned.
Cheryl walked up to them carrying a bottle of expensive alcohol. "I can't believe you morons fell for the 'I need my friends to pick me up but their cars keep running out of gas' party scam! HA! HA!"
"You knew?" Archer asked.
"Kind of obvious," Cheryl scoffed. "Nobody dresses up to deliver food!"
"Where's Krieger?" Archer asked.
"I threw him in the closet," Cheryl pointed to a closet down the hallway.
"Oh, for crying out…" Pam rolled her eyes. She went to the closet door and quickly unlocked it.
Inside was Krieger making out with an older brunette. "Hey guys!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Meet Dave's mom!"
"Dave called his mother?" Archer blinked.
"Dave invites me to all his good parties," Dave's Mom shrugged. "Especially if they're cute guys like this one!"
"So, if you don't mind…" Krieger grabbed the door handle and closed it shut.
Archer was stunned. "Now I have officially seen everything…"
"Archer what do we do?" Pam asked.
"The only thing we can do," Archer shrugged. "Enjoy the party!"
"YEAH! LET'S GET WASTED!" Cheryl giggled. "I'm gonna skinny dip in the pool!" She wandered away.
"I'm into that," Pam said as she started to take off her outfit. "Later tater!"
"All right," Archer looked around at all the lovely women. "Sterling Archer. Back in action…" He moved off to find a date. He moved to one young woman. "Hello!"
"Goodbye…" The woman rolled her eyes and walked away from him.
"HEY!" Archer barked. "Hang on." He looked down at himself. "Of course! I'm wearing coveralls! Duh! Maybe there's something in a closet I can find? Other than Krieger?" He went off to change.
A few hours later…
"Hey Pam," Archer walked up to a hot tub where Pam was sitting with some young men. She was naked but the water covered up most of her body. He was wearing a tuxedo.
"How's it going Archer?" Pam asked as she took a drink from another bottle.
"Downhill and right into a tree," Archer grumbled.
"Where did you get the tux?" Pam asked.
"I raided a closet upstairs," Archer asked as he sat down on a nearby chair. "It wasn't easy. Half the men's clothes either didn't fit me or were unfashionable. I had to settle for black dress jeans with this suit because the crotch was too tight! And not in a good way!"
"You can't tell," Pam looked. "They look good."
"Thanks, I make it work," Archer asked. He then noticed Cheryl passed out on a deck chair covered by a towel. "Speaking of which what happened to Carol?"
"Had one drink of hooch too many," Pam shrugged as she took a swig. "I'm keeping an eye on her. Krieger still in the closet?"
"Yeah," Archer grumbled. "And he's doing better than I am! I've been getting shot down all night!"
"How are you striking out?" Pam asked. "You're Sterling Archer!"
"Well for one thing," Archer grumbled. "Half the women who showed up are under 18 and even I'd think twice about doing them. I mean I think about it but…"
"Yeah don't want to trod back in that minefield again," Pam agreed.
"I just got off the stupid sex offender registry in Gstaad," Archer grumbled.
"I thought Anka convinced her father to drop the charges," Pam asked.
"She did," Archer explained. "But they still kept me on file as a possible. Plus, I went back to Gstaad and…Let's just say there was an incident with a prostitute, a pineapple and a lot of marmalade and leave it at that."
"Ah," Pam nodded. "What about the ones who are legal? Or at the very least look legal?"
"I don't know what's going on!" Archer asked. "I've been using my best pickup lines. I have a glass of expensive alcohol in my hand. My hair is perfect tonight. I'm wearing a tux. Well half a tux. But I'm still better dressed than most of these other guys. I have a bitching cane. Yet none of the women I want would give me a second look."
"Sorry Champ," Pam shrugged. "Even Babe Ruth the Sultan of Swat and Twats had his slumps."
"Maybe it's because I'm not in my element?" Archer admitted. "I mean have you heard the music these people are playing? It's all this electronica crap or rap lyrics I can't even understand because they're talking too fast."
"That's the music the kids listen to today," Pam shrugged.
"And Mother always complained about the music I listened to," Archer grumbled. "But back then at least it had a beat and you could get laid by it!"
"Careful Archer," Pam chuckled. "You're showing your age."
"I can't believe I'm saying this," Archer sighed. "But I think we should go to work."
"I disagree," Pam told him. "I say keep calm and party on!"
"Pam I am in charge of this mission," Archer told her. "And as your supervisor I order you to get out of that tub and help me install the surveillance equipment!"
Pam gave him a look. "You're not my supervisor."
"Pam I'm ordering you to get out of that tub and help me!" Archer snapped. "I will not take no for an answer!"
A short time later…
"Okay so this green wire connects to this blue one," Archer muttered as he worked on some complicated wiring in an electric panel in the large wine cellar. He had a black eye. "Then that means this red one goes here…Or is it the other way around? Damn it. Krieger makes this look so easy!"
"Everybody else is slacking off and I'm working," Archer grumbled as he fiddled with the wires. "This just goes against nature."
"Fine. I can do this. I'll tell Mother I did everything myself. That should impress the old bat. Ugh now how do I get this wire to…? Oh, I can just hook it up to this. This isn't so hard. I should be done with this in a few hours without any problems."
SPARK!
The wires started to spark a bit. "Okay that's a problem…" Archer winced. "Hang on! I know what to do!"
He grabbed a bottle of scotch and took a long drink. "There. That should do it. Whoo! That does have a kick. Now I guess all I have to do is connect these two wires and…"
ZZAAPPP! SPARK!
"Whoa!" Archer stepped back as the sparks flew out of the panel. The sparks then started to turn into little flames. "Okay…Okay so there's a tiny fire. I can handle this. I can keep this from getting out of control."
Exactly fifteen minutes later the entire house was up in flames. People were either fleeing the scene or standing around recording with their phones watching it go up in flames.
"Wow," Krieger blinked as the gang stood to the side. "This got out of control."
"Yup," Archer sighed. "It did."
"I mean this really got out of control," Krieger added. "Even by our standards."
"Well maybe if you labeled your wires better…" Archer looked at him.
"Man," Pam whistled as she held an unconscious Cheryl. "Ms. Archer is not going to be happy about this."
"No, she will not," Archer winced.
The following day in Mallory's office…
"HAPPY?" Mallory screamed as she threw an empty bottle at the team. (fortunately, it missed Archer's head.) "WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE HAPPY ABOUT SUCH AN ENORMOUS COCK UP OF A MISSION?"
"We didn't get caught?" Pam suggested.
"Not helping, Pam," Archer sighed.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory glared at the group. "Not only did you idiots fail to install the bugs or get any proof…You got drunk, threw a party and burned down the house?"
"Technically Dave was the one who threw the party," Archer pointed out.
"Who was Dave exactly?" Mallory asked.
"The pizza delivery guy," Pam said. "See he said he was too drunk to drive so he invited his friends to bring over Chinese food and pick him up. But then their car battery broke down…"
"So, they invited some other people to bring food and pick them up?" Mallory asked. "And so on, and so on…? Why didn't you stop them?"
"Archer was too busy getting his butt kicked by Dave at pool," Pam explained.
"He got money from you too!" Archer protested.
"So, to recap," Mallory was frustrated. "You. Sterling Archer. The world's greatest spy was hustled by a pizza delivery con artist?"
"It would seem so," Krieger admitted. Archer glared at him.
"And where did he come from in the first place?" Mallory's eyebrow twitched.
"Well we invited him in as we were watching TV…" Pam began.
"I am starting to get the picture," Mallory growled. "I have to ask, why the hell did you invite a food delivery person into the house in the first place?"
Archer paused. "You know I'm not really sure why. I was a little buzzed on the Double Eagle. It had more of a kick than I thought."
"I did," Cheryl nodded. "Two and a half bottles of that knocked me right out."
"Shame it wasn't permanent," Mallory sighed. "And how did the fire start? As if I didn't have a clue!" She glared at Cheryl.
"Hey! Don't look at me!" Cheryl protested. "I was passed out drunk at the time and I missed it!"
"I don't suppose you'll buy the story that the kids at the party started it huh?" Archer asked.
"Who do I look like?" Mallory snapped. "The local cops who would rather hunt donuts than arsonists? Lucky for you they did buy that little theory. But I'm not! So, spill!"
"It wasn't anyone's fault," Archer protested. "That equipment was faulty!"
"My equipment wasn't faulty!" Krieger protested. "You probably weren't installing it right!"
"It was very complicated Krieger!" Archer snapped. "And anything that catches fire like that so fast must be faulty!"
"Why were you installing the equipment and not Krieger?" Mallory asked.
"Because Krieger was getting laid in the closet!" Archer snapped.
"And you weren't?" Mallory was stunned. "Wow. You really are in a slump, aren't you?"
"I am not in a slump!" Archer snapped. "I just wasn't in my element there that's all!"
"Sterling, anywhere there's booze and women in short skirts is your element," Mallory pointed out. "But I'm more concerned about you starting a party and fire on the same mission."
"Told you it wasn't me," Cheryl snorted.
Mallory fumed. "Just when I think you idiots can't do anything more to prove how incompetent you are, you top yourselves!"
"Blame Archer," Pam spoke up. "He was in charge."
"WHAT?" Archer shouted.
"Everything was all his idea," Cheryl nodded.
"We were just following orders!" Krieger protested.
"TO GET LAID IN A CLOSET?" Archer screamed.
"I may have misinterpreted that one," Krieger coughed.
"You lying pack of…" Archer began.
"ENOUGH!" Mallory shouted. "First of all, I'm cutting your salaries in half for a week! And secondly you will be spending the rest of this weekend cleaning Krieger's lab! And the microwave in the break room!"
"Not the microwave!" Cheryl protested.
"Ewww," Krieger winced. "That's disgusting even by my standards."
"Aww man," Pam groaned. "It's got that weird smell and…"
"CAN IT!" Mallory ordered. "You three are getting off easy! In my opinion."
"Mother there's four of us," Archer told her.
"Oh, I'm aware of that Sterling," Mallory growled. "Because I have some extra special punishments for you! After all you were in charge!"
"Since when?" Archer protested.
"You are going to not only clean my kitchen top to bottom, you're going to be doing my errands for me for the rest of the month!" Mallory snarled. "And God help you if you screw that up!"
"Mother I'm not going to…" Archer began. Mallory calmly got up and grabbed him by the ear. "OWWWW!"
"What was that?" Mallory snarled giving it a vicious twist.
"Yes Mother," Archer winced.
"Good," Mallory growled. She let him go with a shove that made Archer fall out of his chair. "One more thing, Krieger do you have Dave's mother's number?"
"I think so," Krieger asked. "Why?"
"I'm considering hiring Dave," Mallory remarked. "It would be nice to have someone competent on my staff for a change!"
"Maybe Archer should be a pizza delivery guy?" Cheryl giggled.
"You know?" Archer winced in pain.