October 23rd, 2021
Since I began writing here again in 2016, my life has taken so many 180's it feels like I'm just spinning in circles. I've had relationships end, a back injury that changed my professional goals, and now I'm living on my own for the first time ever. To make a long sob story short, I've been roasting in a pressure cooker of stress the last five years.
Writing takes a lot of planning, time, and effort. It is hard work, but it's also the most fulfilling and rewarding accomplishment I've ever experienced. I still remember the day I finished The Sacred Rays, my first completed and longest work. It took two years and nearly 90,000 words. At the time it was the most important thing to me, to the detriment of my grades. Even though that piece is not what I would write today, and I honestly couldn't tell you very much about the story itself anymore, I will never forget how it made me feel.
The problem I've faced the most whenever I tried to write the last couple years has been comparison. I don't mean follows or views or other authors' stories. The big comparison that I care about is how writing makes me feel. Where Courage Ignites and Leave It All Aboard are two great examples of stories that felt like they burst from my fingertips. I barely outlined, and I couldn't contain the flow of ideas that came to me. Especially with Where Courage Ignites; it felt like I was chosen to write that story by some invisible force gifting me with the sight of the events that happened.
I still find stories that blossom in my head. This is it, I think. This is the one. This is the magic I've been waiting for. And I take out my phone or laptop, open a note, and I try to write. Then, when it doesn't excite me like it used to, I feel so deflated and empty. I started to believe that maybe writing just isn't what it used to be to me anymore.
I spoke to a counselor earlier this month who told me to aim to write something daily. I didn't need to feel a specific way as I wrote or hit a word count. Instead, I just needed to write something. Sounds straightforward enough, but it worked better than I could have imagined. Doing the action itself without adding expectations has helped me get back into the swing of things.
If anyone else out there has been struggling with maintaining an interest in writing, know that I totally understand what you're feeling. Even when things were magical, it was still a lot of work. So just hang in there. Take a hiatus if you need to. Adjust your expectations for yourself. Chances are, you're being way too hard on yourself, love.