Always on my mind

This was inspired by Willie Nelson's version of the song. I've always felt Matt owed Kitty a few words here or there and this song reminds of their dynamic. Set after season 8 or there abouts.

I'm not new to fanfiction but I am new to Gunsmoke. So, comment away if I didn't get their voices right, plus Matt is a little wordy since I had the song as part of the story.

Chapter 1

Matt lay on the hard ground under the shade of a cottonwood tree. It had been more than a day since Buck stumbled over a patch of loose rocks and threw Matt over the horn of his saddle. He had held onto the reins but landed hard on his right hip. He was sure something was broken since he couldn't stand without severe pain and there was no strength in his leg. He struggled to remove the saddlebags and canteen, then loosened the girth on his saddle allowing it to fall to the ground.

After dragging himself on his belly, provisions trailing behind, towards a group of trees he let Buck loose to graze and hopefully find water for himself. Painfully Matt rolled over at the base of the big cottonwood, sweaty and spent from the effort and slipped into unconsciousness.

Though unsure how long he was out, Matt new it had been hours. The sun was down and a chill had set in causing Matt to shiver against the cold. His hip ached painfully but he was determined to try again to stand. Any hope of a minor injury was lost when Matt pushed up to a sitting position. Pain shot through his pelvis and a wave of nausea swept over him. Crumbling back to the ground, Matt swore up to the night sky.

He had been on horseback for most of his life, how could he have been so careless to let his mind wander while on unfamiliar terrain. Matt had decided to cut across from Hays City to Larned to handle some government business. Kitty had wanted him to be home for Mary Ellen Botkin's wedding the coming weekend and this side trip would allow for just that. The thought of Kitty in a new dress, a special smile just for him and the added bonus of holding her close for a dance or two had him daydreaming as Buck loped along and before he knew what was happening, he was on the ground.

Matt wiped his brow and pulled his saddlebags closer. His canteen was mostly full and he figured he could stretch it for 4 or 5 days if he stayed in the shade. His food was another matter. He had restocked in Hays but in his current state, with no fire or anyway to move about, Matt figured jerky and cold beans would last him well after his water ran out.

He again cursed himself for taking this side trip but something in Kitty's request to attend the wedding with him, struck a chord. He had let her down so many times and to her credit she always strode into each sociable, wedding or barn dance, new dress and all on Doc's arm, head held high while the highbrow ladies snickered and whispered. He knew what they were saying and so did Kitty but other than a few tears and an occasional broken knick-knack, Kitty never complained. Truthfully, he didn't know why she stayed with him, he was grateful, but he knew deep down Matt Dillon did not deserve the love of one Kitty Russel, he welcomed it, craved it even but deserving it was another matter altogether.

As dawn broke on the third day, Matt was starting to feel feverish. He had wired Chester he was on his way back from Hays City, so at least he would be missed in a day or two, trouble was he hadn't thought of cutting over to Larned until after he was on the trail, anyone out looking for him wouldn't come this way. Matt drifted in and out of sleep, while awake he listened for a passing traveler but heard nothing. He hadn't seen Buck for a whole day and figured he had wandered off to look for water. His saddle was left out where it fell so maybe it would draw attention if someone happened across his path.

Matt was struggling to stay coherent. His fever hadn't broken and his hip hurt more with each breath. He was now unable to remember how long he had been lying there. He guessed it was five days but he was asleep more than awake so he couldn't be sure. He no longer though about being rescued or healing enough to rescue himself, his only thoughts were of Kitty and how one man can be so blind.

Chuckling, Matt could hear Doc's crabby voice, "Matt Dillon you're a fool. That girl loves you and she may not wait forever for some overgrown lawman to claim her!" The truth of Doc's words hit him square in the chest.

"Matt Dillon you really are a fool", he whispered into the night air before slipping into sleep once again. Matt's sleep was fretful and full of visions of a beautiful redhead with liquid blue eyes.

…As the wedding march played Kitty's hand tightened on Matt's arm. She sat beside him in the pew, beautiful as a summer's day. They rose as the bride approached and Matt suddenly longed to be the one at the alter waiting for Kitty to walk to him. He was no longer afraid to take a wife or have a family. He only knew he wanted Kitty to be his forever. The music stopped and the preacher asked for them to bow their heads to pray. Matt closed his eyes and prayed his own prayer. When he raised his head and opened his eyes, he was now at the foot of a bed in a room with Doc fussing over Kitty. He was scared at first until Doc moved away and he saw Kitty holding a swaddled baby in her arms.

"Look here baby, it's Daddy. Come here Cowboy and see your son."

Matt 's feet were made of lead but Doc grabbed his arm and urged him forward. "Come on, son. He's just perfect."

Tears welled in his eyes as Matt took the small bundle from Kitty. He never knew this much love for anyone thing, except maybe his mother. "Kitty", his voice cracked with emotion. "I love you."…

A crack of thunder pulled Matt from his dream and he struggled to control his breathing. It was so real, so prefect that he wished he would have died before he woke so he could be in heaven with the memory. He lay for a moment thinking of the dream, he knew he probably won't last more than another 24 hours. He hadn't moved in days; his water ran out a least a day ago and his fever was making his head pound. Matt was never afraid to die, dying was on his to-do list since he became a lawman but somehow out here, knowing Kitty was waiting for him, dying scared him. His will was written years ago and amended a few years after meeting Kitty. He had written her a letter, confessing all he couldn't say into the open air but suddenly it wasn't enough.

He was going to miss another wedding and Kitty would go with Doc and Chester, disappointed but still loving him, her man. Little would she know that she would never see her Cowboy again, her final disappointment becoming her last goodbye. Matt screamed and pounded his fists into the dry dirt, the smell of rain in the distance a balm to his weary soul. He sucked in a breath and reached a hand into his saddlebag.

Kitty, always a practical gift giver and given him a small leather-bound notebook one Christmas. Matt had thought it frivolous but accepted it with love, as it was from Kitty. Funny thing was he used it all the time. He never realized how useful it was but after a few months he needed to replace the small writing pad and asked Mr. Jonas to keep several in stock. The thought of the notebook brought Matt back to the present and he dug around in his bag until he felt its well-worn leather cover.

Matt knew he needed to make his peace with Kitty. For the life of him, he couldn't think of a reason for not telling her or treating her the way he should have. It was stubbornness he guessed. All those years of saying a lawman had only one love, one duty and it was for the law. Realizing now his error, was too little, too late. Matt shifted so he could better hold the writing pad at an angle allowing him to start his letter to Kitty.

Kitty,

I hope this letter finds you and I pray it will give you some peace, for now I know loving you outright would have been the easy thing to do, the right thing to do but no matter what I showed on the outside, on the inside you were always on my mind.

Maybe I didn't love you, quite as often as I could have and maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have. If I made you feel second best, Honey I'm sorry I was blind but you were always on my mind.

I know I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times. I guess I never told you, I'm so happy that your mine. So many little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time but you were always on my mind.

Kitty, please tell me, tell me your sweet love hasn't died and if I get one more chance to keep you satisfied. I'll keep you satisfied.

All the little things I could have said or done, I just never took the time but Honey, you were always on my mind. You are always on my mind.

Drops of rain started to fall and mark the paper so Matt signed the letter with love and tucked the notebook back in the saddle bag. He reclined back to the ground and let the rain mix with the tears sliding down his cheeks.

When he woke next it was to the sound of boots and raised voices, on instinct Matt tried to sit up and grab his gun only to be gripped with pain. He cried out and immediately, Chester was at his side.

"Mr. Dillon, Mr. Dillon, don't ya' move. Doc's on 'is way in tha wagon. How'd ya' git way out c'here, Mr. Dillon. I like to of never found ya'."

Several of Jake Wirth's men were shouting for Doc to head this way and Matt still wasn't sure it was real or just another dream until he saw Doc shuffling up, bag in hand and yelling for Chester to get out of the way.

Chester mumbled, "Forevermore, Doc. I just talkin' to Mr. Dillon.'

Doc knelt on the ground next to Matt and took his wrist in one hand while running his other across Matt's forehead. Doc bowed his head and said a silent prayer before shouting, "Men get that wagon over here and load him easy. We've got a long ride ahead of us."

…

Chapter 2

Three days later Matt laid in Doc's room with Kitty at his side. She looked to be dosing in the hardbacked chair but as soon as he stirred, she was wide awake.

"Matt? You, okay? Do you need me to get Doc?" a slight panic in her voice.

"No, no Honey, I was just reaching for you hand." Kitty took his offered hand and smiled down at him, so glad he beat the odds one more time.

Matt smiled and relaxed, drifting off again thanks to one of Doc's powders. Kitty heard Doc in the outer room and slipped out of Matt's grasp to talk with him.

"Hey, young lady. How's the patient?"

"About the same, how long do you think he'll be down this time. I've seen bullet wounds that didn't take him out like this. I guess I'm used to him fighting tooth and nail to get back into action."

"Well, this was a real close one Kitty. Gonna' be a good while before he can do any Marshalling, that's for sure. Why don't you get him a change of clothes and his shaving things, I'll help you get him cleaned up. Might make a new man outta' him. You never know maybe he'll decide to start courtin' a certain beautiful redhead we all know now that he's got some free time." Doc winked and scrubbed is mustache. Kitty laughed for the first time in weeks, grabbing Doc for a hug, she kissed his cheek and went out the door to fetch Matt's things.

At the jail, Kitty went to the small dresser by the door to look for a change of clothes. Matt owned so little but he always managed to have a change of clothes. True to form, a shirt, pair of tan trousers and underwear were neatly folded in the top drawer. She next picked up Matt's saddle bags off the table and began unloading them to find his shaving kit.

Chester had left town to look for Buck as soon as they had Matt safely up at Doc's. Kitty could still hear his shaky voice "Mr. Dillon won't be none too happy until we find 'im, Miss Kitty. I've done wired all tha towns 'round there but I ain't heard nothin'. I just gotta' go myself." Kitty smiled at Chester's loyalty to his boss and continued to unpack the bags.

"Oh, Cowboy." She sighed. How can one man be so happy on such a sparse existence. A little coffee, a bit of bacon, a few cans of beans and nothing else but the open prairie. Kitty's fingers landed on the worn leather of the notebook she had given him years ago. Her heart skipped a beat to know he carried it with him on his trips out of Dodge. She pulled it from the bag, intent on stacking it with the rest of the contents when a little nub of a pencil dropped to the table with a click. Kitty picked it up and opened the cover to set in back inside before securing the string closure.

Her eyes fell on the scrawled words covering the paper, not wanting to pry she closed the cover but not before she had seen her name at the top of the page. She scolded herself for wanting to look again, if Matt had wanted her to see it, he would show her when he was able but the page called out to her like a siren. Promising a song so beautiful that she couldn't resist just a peek.

As Kitty read the first few lines her knees buckled and she reached for the chair beside her. The words came fast and sharp, like the siren had promised, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. Matt's words of sorrow and regret, mixed with the ones she had so longed to hear. He loved her, he wanted her and he wanted to try and please her as much as she wanted all those things.

Kitty read the letter twice more, then tucked the pencil back inside before finishing her task. Bags unloaded and the items stored away, she left the jail with Matt's clothes and shaving items and headed back to Doc's.

Matt was awake when she returned and he smiled when she entered the room. "Looks like I'm in for a bath, you care to join me, pretty lady?" Matt teased with his best Texas accent.

Kitty hmphed a laugh and set the clothes on the chair. "You wish, Cowboy. Poor Doc would get the vapors if he caught us in the bath together."

Matt sighed dramatically and patted the side of the bed. Kitty came close but didn't sit afraid to jostle the bed and hurt him. "It's okay, Honey. You won't hurt me."

"Okay but let me get some water first."

Kitty was wiping the last of the shaving soap off Matt's neck when he grabbed her wrist and brought it to his lips for a kiss. Kitty flushed at his intimate gesture with Doc just in the next room.

"Matt? Not here." He pulled harder on her arm to bring her closer to him. Nine years of hiding was a hard habit to break and Kitty was starting to panic.

"Why not? You think ol' Doc doesn't know what's between us? Do you think there is a person in Dodge or even the state of Kansas that doesn't know? Tell me Honey, do you really believe we've ever fooled anyone, except maybe Chester?

She eyes were wide and tears threatened to fall but she still tried to pull her arm from his grasp. "Matt what are you saying?" Kitty knew what was in his letter but she also knew he thought he was going to die. The words are imprinted on her heart even if Matt never said them to her but here he is, Matt Dillon, kissing her in public and wanting to do it more than once.

"I'm saying, I've been a fool. A stubborn," Matt was cut off by Doc's voice from the outer room.

"Mule-headed, oaf of a public servant and darn lucky you stayed with him this long!"

Matt laughed before continuing "and darn lucky you stayed with me this long. Look Kitty, I had a lot of time to think laying out there and I realized that I was missing out on us. You love me completely, without question and it's about time I did the same for you."

'Hallelujah!" came Doc's reply. Matt and Kitty both laughed.

"Hey, you ol' cow doctor. How about you go tend a sick horse or something!" Doc poked his head in the room and looked at Kitty. "Don't forget what I said about the courtin." Before tipping his hat and leaving the office.

They sat together in silence for a few minutes, both wanting to say something but not finding the words. Finally, Kitty spoke, looking at her hands in her lap. "Matt, I um, I read what you wrote. Out on the, well, while you were hurt. I..I didn't mean to see it, honestly, I just, I was getting your clothes and well, I read it. I'm sorry if you, you didn't want me to see it." She kept her head down and waited for Matt to speak.

"Honey, Look at me." When she didn't move, he added, "Please" Kitty raised her eyes and looked straight into his soul. Matt's breath caught at the love he saw for him in those blue depths. "You see, Kitty. Laying out there gave me something that I rarely have, time. Just time to think and not worry about the next bad thing to come. I realized each thought I have starts or ends with you. I'm not sure how it happened, because God forgive me, I tried to stop it but my love for you was too strong. My heart won out years ago and I just was too scared or too bull-headed,"

"Mule-headed" Kitty sniffled

"Right, mule-headed to do the right thing. Well, that stops now. I meant what I wrote in that letter, Kitty, you are always on my mind. I love you and I promise to do and say the things that make you happy. I can't promise to make every sociable or supper date but I will promise to be your man until I take my last breath."

Kitty was openly crying now, tears of joy and tears for the years of doubt and heartache. She wouldn't trade one day since she first saw her Cowboy but his words of love written in that small notebook will remind her, she is not only in his heart. She is also always on his mind.